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Old 19th August 2009, 09:34 PM   #1
Rabbit In Headlights
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Midlife Crisis

Hi folks

I have been married for twenty odd years now and about four months ago when encouraging my OH to put some effort into our relationship was hit with the envitable " I dont love you anymore" He has left our home and has been living with relatives for the last three weeks. I am just devistated we went for councelling and he grabbed hold of her suggestion of a trial separation and went. I still love him with all my heart and am totally wiped away by this sudden decision, I have had to go on antidepressants to cope and its breaking my heart that he is just shutting me out as much as he can! I am on my own now with just the cat, although at present he is financially supporting me! Life looks pretty grim. He has popped back to visit once and I have kept my cool and our afternoon was quite pleasant, but its almost as if he has a wall which as fast as I knock a bit off he puts it back on! All of this is totally out of character for a very kind and loving man.. I am so desperate for him to come back and talk, but it is so difficult not having any influence over him and he just keeps saying he doesnt want to try! It so strange because I feel that he has the wall up because he knows I can get to him if that makes sense! which I can only hope that means that he has some feelings left for me!
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Old 19th August 2009, 10:05 PM   #2
Sugarplum
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Re: Midlife Crisis

Your H sounds very much like mine, we had been married for 26 years when one day he said to me" I'm not in love with you anymore"
A week or so later it came to light (by me snooping on his phone and internet) that there was another woman who he had met online even though I'd asked was there anyone else (to which he replied "no")

The wall they build is a common occurance, they become cold and indifferent to your emotions and I think like you say its to stop you getting in because that makes them feel guilty.
What my H did was totally out of character he was loving and loyal and I loved him (still do) to bits.........Its definately a mid-life-crisis all the family (even his mum) say there is something wrong with him, he has fallen out with his best friend over this and he seems to push everyone away.

I really feel for you, I know how difficult it is at the moment, I'm 8 weeks into the separation now and it still hurts like hell but being on here is a real help and people offer genuine support.
Pour you heart out and rant scream and cry......give your cat lots of cuddles and accept any help and support from family.
Read my thread (my husband has left me after 26 years of marriage)its so similar to what your going through.

Sugarplum
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Old 19th August 2009, 10:29 PM   #3
Rabbit In Headlights
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Re: Midlife Crisis

Thank you Sugarplum

I am just completely knocked for six at the moment! I am sure there is no one else at the moment, well I sincerely hope there isnt. At the moment I just feel like I need to try and show him that we can sort things out. I hope to god Im right as otherwise Im not sure what I will do!

Thank you for spending the time to answer my heart goes to you too being in the same situation. I really wouldnt wish this on anyone!
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Old 19th August 2009, 10:35 PM   #4
crush
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Re: Midlife Crisis

Hello and welcome - sorry you find yourself here, we are all experiencing the same sort of problems and it does help to vent on here. Everyone offers their support and encouragement and I am sure you, like I, will find this a valuable arena in which to help you overcome you present turmoil.

I like yourself found myself in the same situation nearly 5 months ago, read my thread also it may offer you some insight into the behaviour of your H. Mine also changed in character to such an extent as I did not recognise him anymore. We had been together almost 20 years and married for 13. We have 3 young children. The only difference is that my h left for ow. I thought he was going through a mlc but now I am not so sure.

Your h seems very adamant and determined and I wonder if there is someone else. I only say this because a lot of men do deny their existence, mine did for a short while anyway. For him to completely shut you out and behave in the manner he is seems to suggest that he has his attentions elsewhere. I do hope for your sake he hasn't as this only complicates things much further.

If he really does need time alone and you feel you can give it to him them maybe that is the way forward, but how long do you wait. You do have to consider yourself a lot, it is hard when all you can think about is him. It is early days for you yet and you must take one day at a time try not to look too far ahead. Make time for yourself and do the thing you want to do, this is hard to get motivated when you feel your whole world has been turned upside down but if you h can see that you are getting on with your life with or without him he may just realise what he is missing and make give him the wake up call he needs.

I wish you well and please keep posting on here we are all here to help where we can.
Take care
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Old 20th August 2009, 09:07 AM   #5
Raymond
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Re: Midlife Crisis

One has to look into the possiblity of another woman. May times this turns out to be the case in these scenarios but not always.

If you can reach him you can help him if it is just an isolation thing. Who knows what is going on in his mind. This is a very common problem that we see all the time on here. Love is an act not just a feeling. His place is with you. Feelings will follow loving on purpose and I hope he will come to see that.

A lot of times it will be the fantasy that the grass is greener on the other side but that is just a deception. One doesn't get a good life by breaking ones vows and deserting ones wife.

I really hope he sees some sense and has the wisdom to do the right thing which is to honour and love you.

Stay around. A lot have been and are going what you are going through. If you can get some clues as to what is going on share them with us. If nothing else some of us can pray.

Raymond
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Old 20th August 2009, 09:29 AM   #6
Rabbit In Headlights
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Re: Midlife Crisis

Thanks everyone, I am getting a few txts each evening but mostly instigate by me needing to ask something but his replies still have a kiss on the end, I do hope that is not habit! He is coming back on Saturday to sort anything out that I need doing, although I am trying to get on top of things myself even though it is scaring the sh*t out of me to do so I know I must. Just got to keep ploughing on hoping for the best for a bit, but I do agree there does have to be a point where enough is enough!
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Old 20th August 2009, 10:51 AM   #7
Raymond
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Re: Midlife Crisis

Maybe you can ask him to talk more about what is going on. If it is not another woman he should be open to discussing where he is at.

Raymond
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Old 20th August 2009, 11:42 AM   #8
Rabbit In Headlights
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Re: Midlife Crisis

Just been doing our accounts and found a payment to a letting agency, I feel so sick and empty, I have asked him to phone me. I hate all this avoiding me and refusing to speak only txting.. In bits at the moment!


ETA Just had a long phone conversation with him, and he said he felt pressured by me at the weekend (tried to make him feel loved and wanted) maybe not such a good idea.. but at least he was talking to me, will see him saturday can only hope for more talking then!

Last edited by Rabbit In Headlights; 20th August 2009 at 01:44 PM.
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Old 20th August 2009, 09:59 PM   #9
Sugarplum
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Re: Midlife Crisis

It's good that your H is willing to talk about whats happened, my H just wont even go there and as soon as I show one little bit of emotion (on the phone or in person) he goes very cold and either starts to walk away or tells me he's terminating the phonecall.
Has he had any councelling? Maybe you could suggest this to him and perhaps both go to relate. If it's not another woman then maybe this could be a way forward, my H wouldn't even entertain the idea of us going to get help (his mind was already made up because he was/ is having an EA although he still wont admit to there being someone else)

Is the payment to the letting agency recent? It could be that he's making arrangements to move into a place of his own and although it's hard on you and it makes you feel as though this is the end of your marriage it's probably for the best as it means he will have time to reflect and feel the sheer lonliness that living on your own brings. My H has moved into a rented place and is totally on his own.....well apart from communicating via phone and internet to OW in the USA. I'm hoping and praying that one day he will wake up and realise what he's thrown away and hopefully so will your H. In the meantime (like I've been told by lots of people) get on with your own life, stay busy, get lots of sleep and stay calm whenever you talk to your H.

Sugarplum
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Old 20th August 2009, 11:13 PM   #10
crush
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Re: Midlife Crisis

Stay strong it is so important you do so. Don't let him wear you down, I know he is doing what he wants right now and it is hard on you but you must let him do this. Hopefully he will come to his senses. You need to talk to him if he will allow it but that does seem unlikely at the moment. In times like these they do change in personality, I know mine has 1000% and you do not recognise the person you used to live with. They ply on the guilt trip that is all your fault and they have been forced into their decisions. This is utter rubbish and you must realise this.

Unfrortunately they do change and this is the hardest thing to bear, believe me I know and am living with this every day. My h is completely different in every way, his attitudes, outlooks and personality, I do not recognise him anymore and do not like him at all. It is so hard to accept what they have done and you may never get the answers you need it is so hard and am sorry for you. I try every day to forget all the hurt my h has caused me but I know there is no going back for me. You may think differently and hope your h comes to his senses. Mine did but I knew I could never take him back for all the hurt and heartache he had caused to me and our children. My H has ow and for this I willl and cannot ever forgive him for.

Time does heal it is hard but take each day at a time, maybe your h will realise what he has given up and maybe even in time you will move on and realise that your life may be better off without him, hard as it may seem you may feel this way. In the end it is your choice and your choice alone if you can ever forgive him and making your life such a misery. No one deserves to be treated and deserted in any way and believe me you do deserve better, I know you will be thinking but I love him no matter what but you deserve the life you dreamed of and he has obviously destroyed that for you right now and does he really deserve a second chance. You only come this way once and if you had done to him what he has done to you what treatment do you think you would have had and deserved.

Sorry I sound so negative but I am just being realistic and looking at my own situation. I have waited and waited for my h to return, I have been unable to work because of depression but 5 months down the line I am happy the divorce is going through because I know I deserve better that to be treated in way in which he has treated me. You do to.
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Old 21st August 2009, 09:13 AM   #11
Rabbit In Headlights
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Re: Midlife Crisis

Thank you so much Crush and Sugarplum.. I got a little pickled last night and sent a couple of annoyed txts.. He insists there is no OW and at the moment I believe him, maybe more fool me! It is the change in personality that I find so hard to cope with, the old OH would have done anything for me and very rarely said no, and maybe that was wrong he should have done. I have spoken to him practically every day for twenty nine years and its such a struggle not to now, I do miss him so much. He said last week when he visited I tried to pressure him too much which didnt help, all I wanted was to make him feel loved and give him a kiss. I feel so empty I havent felt loved for nearly four months now and it aches almost as much as toothache. Last night the blooming washing machine packed up and normally I would have gone to him and panic'd but I have managed to sort out a repair man for this morning.. maybe thats it I spent too long relying on him and now I have to rely on myself, I told him yesterday that maybe I had transferred my security from my dad to him when we got together but that was only because I loved and trusted him not because I couldnt do it, but then I never built my own security and now I must! Sorry its all got a bit waffley!
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Old 21st August 2009, 10:05 AM   #12
Sugarplum
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Re: Midlife Crisis

I remember a few weeks after my H left my vacuum cleaner packed up and I just sat and bawled my eyes out because he was the one who always put things right. I think every little thing just compounds but thats only because we let it so GOOD ON YOU for taking action and sorting things out I just ran to my big brother who tried to fix it for me but couldn't so I threw it in a skip and ordered a new one (if only I could do that with H....lol)

As for the OW thing, my H still skirts around the question about his EA with OW. He wont admit or deny it.
At first when I asked him if there was someone else he said no (3 times I asked him) but I knew better and eventually when he stupidly left his phone hanging around, me and my daughter found a pic of her (under favourite images) on his phone and also noted the times and length of outgoing calls to her in the USA. He was confronted with the evidence of his dirty little secret and insisted I had got it all wrong. Anyway suffice to say I found further evidence on a chat forum that they both use and he still wont admit there's anything going on even though the proof is there (that they love eachother) in black and white.

I still miss my H like crazy and a few weeks ago would have taken him back but not now, but I have forgiven him because if I don't then the bitterness will eat me up and cause problems for me not him. The trust and respect I held for him has also gone and it's another reason not to take him back.

Just hang on in there and take each day as it comes, you will cope and you will find yourself crying less and less, but you will always miss the life you used to have.....it's only natural.

Hugz Sugarplum

PS: you waffle on as much as you like it really does help to cleanse the soul.
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Old 22nd August 2009, 10:45 AM   #13
Raymond
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Re: Midlife Crisis

You are doing very well Sugarplum and have your head screwed on right I think.

Your situation is unbelievable really. One would not have thought there was so much power on an online relationship with someone far away. How much of that is sheer fantasy I wonder. It could never work in reality I believe. People can open up to an anonymous person online but the reality would probably be laughable.

Rabbit you are doing very well as well. I have seen how you are encouraging others on here. You will have the grace to do things or get the help you need without him.

I don't know what made this wall in him. Something is definitely not right somewhere. Who knows what he has been getting into. Is it another woman, the internet or something else.

Personally I think it is being led by only feelings instead of our heads or conscience as well. Love is bigger than our feelings actually. I muse about this because it is happening all the time on here. The same words. I love you but am not in love with you. What is that saying? That you are a slave to your feelings? The scripture speaks to me daily. Husbands love your wives. Husbands love your wives. Why would it need to say that if we were not prone to be controlled with only our feelings. Feelings are a wonderful servant but can also lead us astray so we need more than that as the anchor. True love thinks of the other and honours the marriage covenant.

Raymond
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Old 22nd August 2009, 10:53 AM   #14
katharine2712
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Re: Midlife Crisis

You are all lovely people i dont know what id have done without you i read all your replies as it helps cos we all seem to have gone through the same but slightly different problems if that makes sense . It feels as if i will never move on at times and am stuck in this black hole forever .
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Old 22nd August 2009, 04:27 PM   #15
Rabbit In Headlights
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Re: Midlife Crisis

OH came over as planned today, again he was late and when he txt to say so, I politely replied that he wasnt being fair always being late as I would have stopped what I was doing and then end up sitting around like a wallflower at a dance waiting for him. We did laugh about it when he arrived as he said he was only doing what I had asked and that was not to set me a time span to be fitted into and to be fair he did stay a bit longer.. Was quite frustrated as my son decided to come home last night think he wanted to see his dad but didnt say, he is twenty one and currently stopping over at girlfriends house as she is home from uni. But it made me feel he was stealing my time with OH, probably a bit petty! We did have a chat over coffee and I asked him what defination he was giving to the state of affairs at the moment and he replied its still a temporary separation. Told him it didnt feel like it much this week as I felt he was avoiding me till I took him to task about it thursday. Then got on with all the things I needed to ask and the few things that needed sorting so that I have things to do this week, when he was sorting clothes out he has lost a lot of weight and lots needs to be thrown out I looked a bit glum and he hugged me. Had a nice lunch together and I had got his favourite beer, and had bought him a little pratical pressie, that and him looking at a busy calendar and me getting myself together I think made him think. He told me he had a pleasant afternoon and things were much nicer doing things together than sitting around talking like someone had died. Today he seemed much more like my husband, the hardest bit for me was restraining my affection, although get a few passing touches and randomly kissed him on the cheek. He left promising to phone a bit more this week but we shall see I guess. So upwards and onwards for me if nothing else comes of this at least I will have behaved in a manner I can live with and have done my best! Love and hugs to all you and thanks for all the lovely replies.
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