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Old 23rd November 2012, 03:30 PM   #1
dg2200
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Unhappy How to deal with a pity invite

Hello,

a situation has come up that I have not quite faced before, and I would need some advice, please.
My "in law family" on his father's side is very strange. Anytime we've been to visit, they never speak to me, and hardly even speak to him. As a result, I don't like to visit often, and finally dh has understood and felt a little of what I feel. When my father in law and his 2nd wife (not mother in law) are the only ones there, just the 4 of us, it's better, but I still feel like we don't have much in common to talk about and for a good part of the time I feel very awkward.

Now to the point: Dh has some work stuff to discuss with his brother in law, so he has been invited to their new apartment. No problem with this, only that we've known this for about a week and only yesterday his brother in law said to him he'd forgotten that they had invited Dh's father and his wife to dine. So he asked Dh to join them. THEN, Dh ASKED if it would be ok for me to come. They said sure.

So here's the thing. How do I deal with this "pity invite"? On one hand, I already felt bad about staying home alone, and intended to go out on my own, even though I hate nightclubs and not sure where I would have gone. So I guess what I feel is that it would be nice to go and have some company. On the other hand, that is exactly what I am afraid of - what kind of company? Will I just sit there all evening feeling uncomfortable?
I tried to explain to Dh the fact that he's only been invited because he would be there anyway, and if he didn't by chance happen to be, then we would not have been invited at all. I tried to explain my conflicting feelings about the situation, and he didn't say anything. He thinks this is just the way his family works, and they don't think of it as a "pity invite". But I have to make a quick decision, and I am still so unsure of what to do.
I thought of going with him and then leaving when he's done, ie not staying for dinner. I guess what I miss is some kind of initiative from DH's side to stick with me, to say he wanted to have dinner with me rather than with them, instead of him just being quiet about it and going "with the flow", as if he wasn't treated like a horse's behind himself. A pity invite for both of us, although he doesn't seem to have a problem with it, nor even realize it.
AND if I do go, I don't want it to just blow over. I want it to be understood that ithurts me and that I feel uncomfortable with it, at least on DH's part. I even feel disgusted when I talk to him about it and all he does is remain silent (and I speak calmly, believe me, no rage or such)
Does anyone have any quick advice? How to deal with this situation?

Thanks!
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Old 23rd November 2012, 08:28 PM   #2
Forever
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,408
Re: How to deal with a pity invite

Knowing that this family is "strange"...and as infrequently as they do get together, I would go and not just sit there full of self pity...bring a book or some knitting to do, and smile when anyone directs a comment or question your way.

This is just the way it has been for years...long before you entered the picture. Trying to force some kind of concession or challenge from your husband about the way their family interacts is not going to help change anything and will put a strain between you and your husband.

Cant you just suck it up for his sake? If it were a weekly thing, I would find a NICE way to "bow out", say, every other get together.

We women too often make unnecessary trouble based on how we feel...usually taking things personal which are really just deep rooted family dynamics. Dont go there.
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Old 23rd November 2012, 09:31 PM   #3
chosen
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: How to deal with a pity invite

Have you tried being chatty and talking to them? Maybe them about their lives and what they do as if you are interested?
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