Trust gone- in long marriage.

[Marielle]

Four years ago we were living internationally because of work. During that time my husband had a three year relationship with a much younger woman from his office. He is a strong, stubborn individual. I found out soon after the affair started, however it went on for 3 years. He kept telling me that I was the one he truly loved. I stayed in the marriage because of the love I have for him not for the lame reasons he gave me. I cannot tell you how many times I cried and thought of moving out. I never did! I can only say that perhaps my praying helped me during the worst time of my life, the saddest time! ( The children are grown up.)
My husband does not deserve me, I know that but in the same token, I love him and us. I carry on with my part of the bargain, including the sex.

The trust is gone, however! That is the hardest thing I have to deal with on a daily basis. And the fact that something did die with along with the affair. I carry on and do my best with who I am. He has not destroyed who I am.

Unfortunately, On a daily basis I still dance with the devil - not sure of what I need to do with the marriage. It seems like I will always be the one to carry the torch in our relationship. I know that I sound weak and unable to make changes. I have given much time and energy on what my possibilities could be, but I can't seem to do anything other than to stay in the marriage. Most days, I am content - I have forgiven the affair, but not forgetting what he did to us as a couple.
women always ask how long it takes to forget an affair and the answer is that one never forgets.

To this day, I personally do not know how I survived the horrid ordeal of the affair.

Your insights are appreciated!

[chosen]

Hi marielle, so are you saying that you knew about his affair all along, and still stayed and still had sex despite the fact that he refused to stop it? For THREE YEARS? Did you ask him to stop? Did you say that if he didnt you would leave? Did you ever give him a choice, you or her?

MY own mother put up with my fathers very very long affair way after she found out, and I will never ever know to this day why she did that,(she died when I was 30) but it had a devastating affect on her and led to severe depression and suicide.

I know that I could never stay with a man who did that to me, and who continued cheating, lying and deceiving even after I found out. I wouldnt lower myself to do so either. I am very very different from my mother. IF I decided to stay, I would have said, you choose, her or me, and if he refused to stop that would have been the end no matter how much I loved him. It is no marriage when there is such a terrible disregard for you, the marriage, your feelings and for any sort of respect, faithfullness or moral values.
Do you think that your fear of leaving meant that you stayed with a man who was treating you so appallingly? Didnt you think that you deserved better?

I had to end my first marriage of 23 years after I discovered some terrible things about my then husband. I never hesitated. Was it hard? Yes, very, I was left broken hearted, with three children, hardly any income and a very uncertain furture. I never once regretted it.

Hi Marielle

God....It sounds so much like what I have been going through...!

Husband is away this weekend in London. I'm already assuming that he has more on other than what he is there for. Have you been reading online? It's interesting to read "signs" of ending marriage. I cannot say, we hadn't experienced these "signs and symptoms".

You're not alone. Please feel free to PM me if you wish.

Also, thing is, if he had one long-term affair, the question would be, "what else has been there"?

If he is an outgoing type who enjoys meeting new people, he's bound to seek more social and other stimulation from seeing new women and he may also be surrounded by younger female colleagues who may be attracted by his position and status.

I think mine is smashed already - once it's smashed, it will never go back the way it used to be. However, knowledge is power. At least, you can now look for truth.

Hi Marielle. Sorry to hear your sad story. It does seem unbelievable that he would carry on with an affair that you knew about. Of course, if he knew you would "put up" with it then that would give him the excuse to carry on. Did the ow know about you also? If you were the one he truly loved why the need for someone else, or maybe it was just the physical side he needed. How you kept a relationship with him in the bedroom must have been so hard for you knowing what he was doing. What an utterly selfish man.

I don't know whether you are very strong or incredibly weak. Strong to let it continue and stay in the marriage or weak to the extent that you went along with it. You should have given him an ultimatum, it sounds like you didn't because if you had and he had chosen ow then you would obviously have walked and if he decided to end it it would have, hopefully.

I agree the trust is now gone and it will never be the same as it was, it can't be. What other lies is he telling you. How do you know where he is when he goes out etc. A very hard position to be in for you and it must really hurt.

The only trouble is he has gotten away with it before so if he becomes bored and who's to say he wont go looking again. I trust that this previous affair has now ended.?

You are right he does not deserve you. How would he have dealt with it if you had had the affair?

Originally Posted by chosen

Hi marielle, so are you saying that you knew about his affair all along, and still stayed and still had sex despite the fact that he refused to stop it? For THREE YEARS? Did you ask him to stop? Did you say that if he didnt you would leave? Did you ever give him a choice, you or her?

MY own mother put up with my fathers very very long affair way after she found out, and I will never ever know to this day why she did that,(she died when I was 30) but it had a devastating affect on her and led to severe depression and suicide.

Do you think that your fear of leaving meant that you stayed with a man who was treating you so appallingly? Didnt you think that you deserved better?

Marielle

Yes. Chosen you are right!

Is this three year long affair, has he been with the same woman or it's just generally having some "affair" here and there? - meaning having affair with random women = casual non-string attached sex? If it is with the same woman over three years, then have you spoken to her? Does she know he's married?

Does your husband pay towards her living expenses like a proper "Mistress" meaning there's some financial / emotional involvement with her? Affair usually continues unless you confront him and her. If you're accepting, your h thinks it's OK to go on...

You really shouldn't be too powerless. After all, you're his Wife. If you were to divorce him, he will lose the house, money, assets etc. You're protected. This loose woman (!) isn't his wife.

Hi Crush. You're so right as well...Nice to see you there.

[Raymond]

I tend to lean towards Chosen's viewpoint. She made a stand and is now very happily married to a man she trusts.

Sex is a very important part of the marriage and represents an important part of the intimacy one has. Whilst being earthy there is also a a kind of sacredness to it which when broken through unfaithfulness does go to the roots of the marriage and this can be devastating. It is not being too heavy to call it a betrayal as that is what it is whatever the world wants to call it. If the betrayor does come to repentance and wants to mend and restore trust a marriage can be saved.

I know a lot of wives still stay with an unfaithful husband and put up with it. I really feel for them as it wasn't their fault that it happened or happens. It is obvious the marriage has been weakened and stays weakened. Yes one can still be a person in their own right. Nothing can take away from that but if the wronged party has the courage to end the marriage as Chosen did I wouldn't go against that. Not everyone can live in a marriage like that nor has to.

Hi Raymond

I can clearly see that you're a very spiritual man.

I believe wives do stay, perhaps as they still love their husband no matter what and to me, their love towards their cheating husband is probably akin to Agape. It would be unreasonable to force these women to leave when it is clearly their choice to "stay". There must be more reasons to stay than leaving.

My mother was very devout and she stayed with her husband (my Dad) no matter what. He had numerous women in his life and he even fell in love with one (whom he had known for years) when he suffered from dementia.

My mother's marriage was a place for self-growth and "test" as Murielle puts it. I used to question as to why she never got any divorce. Even after my Dad had to be looked after in a nursing home; she continued to look after him. Her love towards him was unconditional.

Now, I am much older and I respect her for it.
Murielle, hope I didn't go on "ranting" "at" you.

In my sincere friendship to you,

[Raymond]

I understand what you are saying Lost and I understand the Agape you are referring to. I wouldn't want to say a wife ought to leave. It is up to them what they do. Each has to find their own answers. However it isn't really a marriage with this going on as it is not reciprocal as my wife has just now commented over my shoulder. It will take two to have a good marriage of course.

It is interesting how we have two or three in this position right now and I truly pray each finds their answers. I would say that if they do leave they have good grounds if their husbands are being immoral. As Chosen says, sometimes the choice of them or me can bring a husband to their senses. One has to mean it though and that takes courage as of course he may choose his immorality. Whilst they can have their cake and eat it there is not much incentive to change I would have thought. Is there not the possibility of being a doormat in this position?

[chosen]

Absolutely Raymond.
Lost, as I said, my mother stayed and put up with my dad cheating while still living with her and it led to her suicide. THis is why God allows divorce for adultery. It destroys the marriage conevant and it destroys people.

MY take on it is VERY VERY different from yours. Staying with a husband who refuses to stop cheating lying and deceiving is very UNLOVING towards him, because it is enabling his appalling behaviour, it is preventing him from facing what he is doing and taking responsibiltiy for it, and it is not allowing him to feel the consequenses of his actions. It is leaving him in his sin and in his mess and for a Christian it is even risking his very salvation. Love needs to be tough in these sorts of situations, or things wont change and he wont change. Agape love isnt wishy washy at all, it can be firm and tough sometimes. This sort of sin is very serious stuff, so serious that in the OT times those who did it were executed.

Sometimes it may be easier just to turn a blind eye, but that will never stop it and nothing will get sorted out or put right until the wife(or husband if its the other way round)sets clear loving firm boundaries. Maybe some women are afraid that if they give their husbands a choice they will not choose them, but that is a risk that has to be taken, and who wants to be with such a man anyway. Maybe they are afraid of being alone after many years, but to me I think, what can be worse than living with a man who treats you like dirt and shows no love or respect for you. To me that would be far far worse.

I am not talking here about a person who has cheated once but has fully repented and is doing all they can do make it right.

[Forever]

I had an aunt who stayed because she feared what would become of her husband...thinking he was "santified" by her own faith in God (because they are "one") and that HE would go to hell if she left him. She also believed that her good and faithful behavior might be a living example to him of the kind of Love that God has for us. Her husband was not a serial cheater...he did have one short affair while serving as a church Elder, and was caught and exposed by a church member and then asked to leave the church. He did, but she stuck by him till he died...she died a year later.

Then there are those who have children to think of...these women fear for their future (or are ill prepared to try and build their own future) and decide that they would be better off if they "look the other way" for the childrens sake.

Then there are those who stay because they do not think themselves worthy of anything better than what they have, and confuse that idea with love...they have no human dignity or concept of self worth...perhaps they were brought up in an abusive home...so putting up is their "normal".

Then there are those who believe God WANTS them to stay (and perhaps He really does...only those women know for sure). They push forward to that end and become lovely stronger people with His help...knowing that their husband will give an account to Him on the other side if he does not repent.

Then there are those who's husbands treat them like a Queen (aside from their secret life)...these women weigh what they are likely to get in another man...and find that they dont want to risk what they already have in favor of getting another man who does not have to "function" from a guilty conscience.

Most men usually do not suffer from these issues (reasonings)...they will "jump ship" in a flash if it is their wife or girlfriends doing the cheating.

Forever

Great post. Thank you for sharing.

Raymond & Chosen

I hear what you're saying. There is an article over this site about the topic. Useful resources. (Thank you, to the site owner)

[Raymond]

Funny that. I was speaking to someone I knew a long time ago who told me that he came home to find another man in his bed with his wife. The next day he put all her belongings in suitcases and out on the road, including her and that was that. He is now with someone else and seems happy. Is it one rule for the men and another for the women? I admire his courage in a way but I know all men cannot be like that much less wives.

We had a wife on here who stuck to her guns and her husband eventually came home fully repentant without which she would not have accepted him back. It had a happy ending but it took courage for her to make a stand. Wives do have some power.

As Forever has pointed out there can be reasons for staying that may not be the right reasons but we are all weak. We have to find our strength in God which He can supply abundantly.

Hi Raymond

Thank you for sharing.
Your words are full of wisdom and you give excellent, tactful guidance.

I wouldn't have considered staying IF mine did not go see his GP to discuss our problems and seek our couple counseling.

It's a really tough time for us. His OW contacted me of late and she started to play mind games with me. She must have realized by now that she was being used as his free pros****t over the past three years. Only time will tell whether they stop seeing each other.

Thank you again.