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Old 5th January 2005, 03:39 PM   #61
James T
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Lovey--- big double standard there. And surprising because alot of men turn to porn because they find sex with their wives boring. But here you are offering all sorts of things that would turn on, dare I say, MOST men. I mean, there is nothing hotter than watching a woman masturbate. And you are offering to go to strip clubs where women are performing? Many men can only dream of a wife willing to do that.

Sounds to me like you are a real firecracker. Sex should be fun and you are willing to make it so....so your husband doesn't know how much fun there is to be had. Instead he's retreating into this macho jealousy thing and in doing so cutting himself off from what could be a much hotter relationship with you.
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Old 5th January 2005, 10:17 PM   #62
Unhappy girl
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Hi. I haven't replied to a forum before so I'm sorry if this jumps in at the wrong place.

I'm looking for answers / an explanation for what's going on with my husband. I doscovered that he was masturbating with (quite mild) porn about a year and a half ago and confronted him about it. In fact at first I just found the pictures and was so naive I didn't realise they were for masturbation - he kind of let that slip out while trying to explain himself. Anyway it turned out there were loads of pictures and he'd been doing it for years but he agreed to destroy them. I destrpyed some when he failed to do so.

I then discovered more pictures, after he'd promised not to do it anymore and I went mad and hit him. He absolutely promised never to do it again. But he does and I know it but I daren't say anything to him. I found a load of stuff on his computer last night (I went looking - can't trust him any more).

I just feel sick all the time when I think about it. We hardly have sex any more - I don't fancy him because of this although he did say that he looked at porn partly because I didn't wear sexy stuff. I tried that and really have made an effort but he doesn't feel like it or just seems to be somewhere else when we do have sex.

There is also some really weird / sick stuff going on that seems to involve a stopwatch, cling film and s**t (his - in the cling film) and recording numbers next to letters/initials - it's obviously something to do with sex - anyone got any idea what that's all about?

I just don't think I can cope any more but I am terrified at the prospect of separating.

Any thoughts? Please help.
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Old 5th January 2005, 10:53 PM   #63
Concerned Reader
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Dear Unhappy Girl

I would be in shock - although it has been said that I am too easily shocked.

I don't think I could get over something like this and would take a copy of the images to a lawyer and ask for advice about whether this behaviour is grounds for divorce where you are.

Regarding an explanation of the behaviour, could a doctor or qualified sex therapist give you any idea of what is going on? I find it hard to think of any explanation which would outweigh my instinct to run far, far away.

I am sorry, this is a baffling thing to have to cope with.
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Old 6th January 2005, 03:57 AM   #64
Lovey
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Lovey--- big double standard there. And surprising because alot of men turn to porn because they find sex with their wives boring. But here you are offering all sorts of things that would turn on, dare I say, MOST men. I mean, there is nothing hotter than watching a woman masturbate. And you are offering to go to strip clubs where women are performing? Many men can only dream of a wife willing to do that.

Sounds to me like you are a real firecracker. Sex should be fun and you are willing to make it so....so your husband doesn't know how much fun there is to be had. Instead he's retreating into this macho jealousy thing and in doing so cutting himself off from what could be a much hotter relationship with you.
(jamesT)
Hi JamesT. Thanks for your response. He's definately not turning to porn because he finds me boring in the sack. He doesn't find me unattractive. I enclosed my first post so you can see what our sexlife is about. http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=1948 (Here is my first post)
We are now having sex once a day. He's always loved it and it is hot and sexy. We've got all the toys and feel very close and loving while we make love. He's loving it!
He loves to watch me masturbate - I've always done that with him. It's not an issue at all. What would be an issue for him is what he has been doing to me- jerking off to porn while I'm in the shower. He'd be upset if I did it. I didn't know that until now. We are just learning all sorts of things about each other as well.

Before I met him I had been to strip clubs, both male and female, with friends. It was a fun time but I wouldn't want it a part of my life.
Sorry, I only mentioned that so that people know how open I am and to find out how he feels about me doing sexual things without him. I'm not willing to do that anymore. I only want to be with him sexually.
I just don't have an issue with it. He never goes to strip clubs- never has been one to enjoy that- and doesn't like it. He thinks they're nasty! He is jealous because he is turned on by me, and doesn't want anyone else with me or me looking at porn. I didn't know that. I was trying to find out if he'd mind me doing the same to him, to figure out what I was dealing with, so I can get us help. (I have a degree in Psych, so I'm a self-helper when I can be. )
He's not macho or anything at all, actually.
He isn't cutting himself off from me.
We have a great sex life.
Our relationship is hot and loving. We're close in other ways. Our relationship just isn't about sex non-stop. I don't want to portray that.

My concern lately is that I wonder if he is addicted to sex. I really don't think so but he does have a huge apetite. We think that some of his issues stem from past abuse. They need to be dealt with as they include some some mistrust issues and such..
--------------------------------------------
Unhappy girl: I've heard of those films. Stayed FAR away from that sort of thing. I think it sounds a little scary and gross and is something that if you are not into you need to confront him with it and discuss it. It is a fetish. He looks at sh*t and it excites him. It's not unheard of. It repulses you and you now aren't attracted towards him. That's not going to help things. I would consider counselling - really. (We are doing it.)
Let him tell you how he feels about this porn he's watching and try to be impartial and don't lash out. Let him talk to you about it and not clam up. This I find really helps get things out altogether. It's scary, but better for your relationship if there are no secrets.
If you don't want your marriage to work, then go to a Lawyer right away.
If you do want it to work you need to know why- from him- he is using the porn and what he gets from using it.
I don't buy that you not wearing sexy things is the reason. That's bull. Trust me.
My husband looked at porn a few times a week and I wear sexy clothes, I have sex with him twice a day. It's not YOU. HUGS!
If he wanted you to wear sexy clothes he'd buy you them, and he'd be looking at lingerie models, not sh*t. He has a sh*t fetish and that is something you and he need to talk about together as a couple.
I am not in a position to help too much but I'm learning as I go, so I'll try to be here for you too.
Please try to confront him in a discussion way. Tell him you are concerned and afraid and ask him what porn means to him. If he is going to stop looking at it, he has to want to. He will only do it if he wants to and not for anyone else. That much I know!

Update: He hasn't watched in days. He is getting into therapy and I want to go with him. We're making love daily now and I feel good about it. I'm not pushing him away as I was.
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Old 6th January 2005, 05:18 PM   #65
April
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Unhappy Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

I just wanted to say to all of you, that I know exactly how you feel. My husband and I have been together now for 3 years, and we only have sex once a week, but because he is never in the mood, but he is always on the computer looking up porn, particularly women with big breasts. I myself am an A size cup, so it kinda makes me feel bad and insecure. Plus he buys Playboys everymonth and than tries to sometime hide them. I dont understand why a guy would only want sex once a week but masterbates probably 3 times a week. He always has excuses like he is just not in the mood, or is tired, or has a headache. I swear I married a girl! He is only in the mood in the morning, weekends only and when he initiates it. Its very sad.
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Old 7th January 2005, 07:31 PM   #66
Lovey
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

I feel really bad for you April. Is it the masturbation or the porn or the lying and sneaking that bothers you ? Is it that you just want more sex?
Have you approached him about watching it together? Or do you feel comfortable with that?

He's at that stage that he's not even tending to your needs. Have you ever had a big discussion with him about what you need and desire?
Let him know that you feel close to him with sex and that you would like it more often. Because the porn isn't inhancing your sexlife but detracting from it, It's making you now feel less of a woman and that's BS. That's going to breakdown the walls of communication.
My advice in all of this is not to let the communication lines down. Try not to make him feel bad about looking at porn, because that's not your intention. Your intention is to tell him how you feel and for him to understand it. Maybe your intentions are just to get more sex.

Your man is preferring the porn and masturbating to being with you - he's being selfish with sex. While once a week is fine for some, when it's not for you, I think that seeing someone would help get some of the emotions and issues out in the open.
The sneaking around is from the past. I've found that sometimes they feel like scumbags because they were taught that masturbation was wrong, so they feel a sense of shame doing it.

Don't let his looking at bigger breasts bother you. Big, small, they're all great. It is just a matter of getting his eye back on you and less on porn.
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Old 8th January 2005, 04:33 PM   #67
KellyJ
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

April: Your situation is bad but certainly not uncommon these days

When you do have sex has he had any problems performing? Is he able to get and keep an erection? Does he ever having trouble ejaculating? If so these are the physical manifestations of heavy porn use and that he is masturbating too much.

One thing you might try is to get him to stop masturbating and not look at porn for one week. This is easier than demanding he get off it completely. Make a deal with him. You will do something nice for him if he promises to abstain from the porn say from a Saturday to the next Saturday.

If he has a normal sex drive, you should see a big change in him sexually after going a week without an orgasm. That in itself might make him realize that real sex with you is much better than porn.
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Old 11th January 2005, 05:40 PM   #68
Another Wife
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Ah. Here it is at last. That place where people really tell how they feel about the presence of porn in their marriages. I, too, am married to a porn abuser. In my case, it really is addiction. He is a sober alcoholic and pill user who's always abused porn as well. It tends to come and go, as he is also bipolar and engages mostly when he's in a manic phase. Only the sheer volume of meds he takes does anything to stem the tide. I've been dealing with this for more than a decade. I can truly say that he doesn't use porn and masturbation as a substitute for me; his desire for me seems to increase in the same cycles. However, I'm having a lot of trouble maintaining my desire for him, despite a rather high libidio of my own. The issue just hurts too much. He has always lied about his porn use, even when I caught him red-handed. Furthermore, he goes in for the teen sites online, and this is especially troubling to me. We have three daughters of our own, one of them being almost 13. I've tried to get him to take the "father" perspective, to imagine someone using his children that way or his children being married to men who use porn as he does. He accuses me of trying to make him feel guilty. No, but if it does make him feel guilty, maybe he should think about why.

As a psychologist and wife of an addict, I can tell all of you wives that you can't try to control your husbands' addiction. That way is a sure path to heartache for you. We all have to be free to make our own decisions, but that also means you are free to make decisions about what you will and will not stand for. Best of luck to all of you; it's a crappy world.
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Old 12th January 2005, 02:08 AM   #69
Another Psychologist
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

I'm surprised hearing some of these things from a psychologist. Firstly despite what some antiporn crusaders have said, MOST men do NOT try and fulfill the sexual fantasies they see in porn in real life. The operative word here is FANTASY and if a man chooses to indulge his fantasy sexual desires in the real world it instantly ceases to be a fantasy and therefore loses it's arousal power and appeal. Too many other things get in the way. It is the unreal world of porn that he (and most men) are interested in. Reality is just that...reality whith all the dangers and pitfalls.

This is especially true of married men who like to see young girls. Now I should point out that we are talking about girls in their late teens here, although it's hard to tell how old most of them are. If he's looking at pics of girls without breasts, then that's anothing thing. But that aside, do you really believe he would go out searching for a teen willing to have sex with him...for free!? Yes, he could force her but let's be realistic here. He's just a horny husband who likes his porn. Not a rapist or a child molestor.

The same goes for a whole range of bizzare and extreme sexual fantasies that many normal everyday men, husbands and fathers, indulge in. Rarely do they "take it outside" Like I said reality is messy and dealing with real people is just not as satisfying as porn. Porn is easy, it can be anything you want with no holds barred. It is his own private world, that's why porn is a billion dollar business.

Being bi-polar is especially difficult and it's not hard to see why a man with such a disease would seek relief from his troubles masturbating to porn. Plus, you don't have the common wife-of- the- porn- user complaint of little or no sexual attraction or desire for you. That is a plus. If that WAS the case I could see you getting angry but instead you produce a red-herring.....you think he will abuse your daughters. Read the literature, it rarely happens. Remember, it's only a fantasy.

Cut him some slack.
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Old 12th January 2005, 02:41 PM   #70
Another Wife
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by Another Psychologist
Being bi-polar is especially difficult and it's not hard to see why a man with such a disease would seek relief from his troubles masturbating to porn. Plus, you don't have the common wife-of- the- porn- user complaint of little or no sexual attraction or desire for you. That is a plus. If that WAS the case I could see you getting angry but instead you produce a red-herring.....you think he will abuse your daughters.
Being bipolar needs to be treated medically and not with self-medication, be it porn or anything else. And actually I didn't state, nor do I think, he is likely to abuse our daughters. I've merely commented to him that he could take a look at his own behavior from the perspective of a father of daughters - which he happens to be. Do I think he's likely to have sex with some teen? No, not really, although it is a concern given that he is a high school teacher and has had more than one instance of crushes girls have on him causing difficulty.

Quote:
Read the literature, it rarely happens. Remember, it's only a fantasy.
I have read the literature. However, there are actually three literatures with which to concern myself, the lit on porn, the lit on addiction, and the lit on bipolar. I won't argue the lit on porn, since findings have been rather contradictory for decades. The lit on addiction is much clearer. If he's using porn as a substitute for alcohol or pills, then his use of porn isn't healthy... not for him, not for the marriage, not for anyone. Also, the lit on bipolar is clear that, when in a manic phase, the patient can have great difficulty separating reality from fantasy, and this knocks more than a few holes into your argument.

Quote:
Cut him some slack.
And enable his addiction? I think not. If you are a psychologist, then you know that is the worst thing I can do. I've done what I need to, released the outcome of his choice to use to him. Having done so, the consequences are his to bear. I do not restrict his computer time, ride his ass about his problem... or condone his behavior. He's a big boy and can make his own decisions. My point in posting initially was just to let some of the wives who want a way to make it go away know that there isn't any easy answer if the use has become addiction.
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Old 12th January 2005, 02:44 PM   #71
Another Wife
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by Another Psychologist
Now I should point out that we are talking about girls in their late teens here, although it's hard to tell how old most of them are. If he's looking at pics of girls without breasts, then that's anothing thing.
I meant to add that this is a shaky criterion for what's acceptable for the age of porn subjects. Our 12 year old is by no means abnormally developed, and she has breasts to equal many of the girls online.[/QUOTE]
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Old 17th January 2005, 05:37 PM   #72
Unhappy girl
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Thanks Lovey & everyone,

It's good to know that I'm not mad or over-reacting here. I still haven't decided what to do. I did ask my husband about it again last week (having discovered that he had been doing it again) and he denied it, point blank. He said that he had looked at the pictures, but just 'like blokes do'. He suggests there's nothing in it and he only looked at the pictures on the net. I know that's rbbish because he emptied out his shredder the very next day and nowe there are new, shredded girly pictures in there.

I think the thing that bothers me so much here (apart from the weird fetish that really is a turn off) is the constant lying. He gets defensive and angry and yet I know what he is doing - for a fact! The evidence is right there.

It is really affecting me as I think about it a lot of the time. I will probably go to counselling but doubt he'll agree to come with me, bearing in mind he denies it all the time. Oh well, better try something - it's driving me mad.

Good to know you're here though - thanks.
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Old 20th January 2005, 05:20 AM   #73
Lovey
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Unhappy girl, that is the best thing I think, is open communication, truthfulness on your part and why you dislike the porn so much and even counselling. It'll help.

I have found that not shutting down helps me. Keylogger has shown nothing since my last post. We're still making love as much as we do and it's been wonderful. I still have trust issues, and by all means don't think it's over. We await a counsellor's call.

To Another wife:
Quote:
As a psychologist and wife of an addict, I can tell all of you wives that you can't try to control your husbands' addiction. That way is a sure path to heartache for you. We all have to be free to make our own decisions, but that also means you are free to make decisions about what you will and will not stand for. Best of luck to all of you; it's a crappy world
I feel sad for you and what you're going through. I have no problem believing that you're a psychologist. I've got a psychologist friend going through the same.. only much worse than I am.. same scenario but worse, I mean.

You're right. No one can control anyone's addiction or anyone, unless they let you. I don't think it's a crappy world though. I think it's what we make it to be.

My husband isn't addicted. He never was. Not all of the husbands are.

I didn't make any demands on him to stop looking, we discussed it for days on end and he came to the conclusion on his own that he didn't want to be doing something that was going to cause me to be hurt, and therefore cause our relationship to deteriorate over time, as I've watched others deteriorate. I had never told my husband that his porn watching was hurting me, or that it was turning me off, until the last conversation. Strangely.. I pride myself in being quite good at communicating.. I assumed he realised that my being against him jerking off to it meant that I was hurt by it. He didn't know. He couldn't read my mind!!
He thought it was simple jealousy, which it wasn't.
I saw porn daily, being that I worked with it- so he didn't understand that it was hurt. Working in the industry is different than having porn in your life. :P

At any rate.. I am still frequenting this site to help myself and anyone else in my path!!!
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Old 23rd January 2005, 10:05 PM   #74
Janelle
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

The more my husband looked at porno on the computer the less sexually interested he was in me. And we are getting to the 12 year mark in our marriage and the sex is maybe once every 6 weeks and I have to badger him to do it. I read on another website that men who grow bored with their wives in bed have always sought out sex elsewhere and porn on the computer just means that he doesn't have to leave home. But I think the computer porn has caused this problem. If there was no porn he's think twice about going out somewhere to get sex. He might just be content with me.
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Old 24th January 2005, 12:18 AM   #75
Experienced
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

I don't know exactly where I should have put what I have to say into this thread, however I will tell all of you women to stick with it, you will eventually learn that just because your husband looks at other women does not mean that he will see you as being any less attractive, I have surveyed tons of my male friends on whether or not they would ever leave their girlfriend for a porn star or stripper, and if you want to hear something really funny, they all said no, that they thought that they were all whores; that they would not want thier girlfriends or wives or fiances to be anything like them.

I am not saying this to make anyone get mad, however men do like to look at women, and although it is dirty to us, it is still human nature, I am sure some of you have masturbated within your relationship, or own vibrators, or have school girl crushes on certain movie stars, and that's okay, just put emotion aside and think logically:

The love of your life loves you, and does not love any of these women. Life is too short for jealousy, so be strong and remember that he will still be sticking his penis into your vagina, and all these women are is just binary code (if on the computer) and because he can make love to you, that will always make you that much better.

If you are having trouble in your relationship with masturbation getting in the way, I would suggest that you find a book for couples, one really good one that I can suggest is called "A Couple's Guide to Loving" By: Andrew Stanway...it offers many ways of spicing up your sex life even if your's is already exciting, sex can always been improved and made more fun.

(And don't worry about me not understanding, I was the same way until I decided to do something about it, like make things more exciting...I have discovered a few things that have improved our sex life such as role-playing, bondage games, watching porno together, having sex in different locations, buying toys, etc. etc.)

Valentine's Day is coming up and it is the perfect time to make things a little more fun, find out if there is anything that he wants to try and if it does not sound interesting to you, research it before saying 'no'. If there is something that you want to do, be honest and ask politely. Good luck, ladies
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