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Old 10th July 2005, 09:39 AM   #1
jeannie
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Unhappy re I need someone to talk to !

Things have at last come to a head, My H tells me he is not sure he loves me anymore and not sure he wants to be married ! Not sure what I am thinking. Both my children are grown up and left home and knows what is going on, I have told them not to take sides and we don't know the full story. My Son though wants nothing to do with his Father. My H is still here, and if I try to talk to him he says he has had enough of rowing, the fact is we didn't row. He was always a selfish person and I knew that and could deal with it but lately it has become worse and work is all that matters to him. It has been suggested to me that it might be midlife crisis, or stress at work. I still feel deep down inside there is another woman. He has constantly got his mobile in his hand and whereas before it was left on the table when not in use, it is not put away!

We are supposed to be having a week off work this week, but not going away. Normally this means doing things together but I am told he wants the car and going off at least three days, as we live in a small village it means I am stuck. I feel like being selfish back and getting up early and going off in the car. But where and I don't want to be alone.

I feel hurt, unloved , rejected and used and cast aside. Not all new to me as I do not have a good relationship with my Mother who is now elderly and using emotional blackmail.

Do I move out ( I really don't want to) and give him some space or insist he goes. He says he cannot turn his feelings back on and not sure if he wants to , but I still love him and want a hug and support and I cannot be expected to turn my feelings off.

What do I do
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Old 10th July 2005, 02:01 PM   #2
Kate
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Re: re I need someone to talk to !

Dear Jeannie

It must be very difficult to know how to respond to your husband. He seems to be dictating terms to you and that will be hard to handle when you are used to being manipulated emotionally by your mother.

It sounds as though over the years he has withdrawn into his work and instead of addressing his concerns about your relationship he has begun to build a life of independence, possibly with another lady. It is so easy for some to do this instead of recognising that marriage needs work and love isn't just a warm fuzzy feelign but soemthign that involves choices and our will.

Is it possible to suggest that you spend some of the time this week together - either just going out and having fun at some common interest or talking through what has happened. What do you think would enable your husband to be open and honest with you? How would you react if he did say there was someone else. it's worth thinking through these things before you get to that conversation. It's helpful to work out what you want and what your marriage means to you and then try to act on the basis of that. No-one can really tell you what is best at this moment, but do come back here and share how things are going.

All the best

Kate
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Old 10th July 2005, 02:56 PM   #3
jeannie
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Re: re I need someone to talk to !

Kate, thanks for the reply, it has got to the stage if he did tell me it would be a relief to know the truth. We have spent the morning avoiding each other and I finally told him that it was unbearable and I would like him to leave. Even though this was his idea originally he is mumbling of having nowhere to go.

He is now at work and walked out without even a goodbye, if I have done nothing wrong why treat me like this. Why not an apology ! I would love to go out with him and do something we used to enjoy. but he says he neeeds his space. He also said that he cannot turn his feelings back on just like that, but I cannot turn mine off. If only he would discuss it and let me know if there is any hope !
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Old 11th July 2005, 03:31 PM   #4
helenrw200
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Re: re I need someone to talk to !

Jeannie

I hate having to say this, but, it does sound to me as if he is acting out of guilt for something. I've found that with some men ( and probably women too )when they have done something they know to be unfair, simply can't handle it and try to shift the blame onto the partner . I had this in my first marriage when my husband started a number of affairs, he was in the armed forces and began an affair with his corporal's wife ( they lived 3 doors away from us ! )he became very short with me and I didn't know why, started needing " time away from the house ", even though he worked away on attatchment most of the time. The atmosphere became extremely strained and I felt I was being treated as if I'd done something wrong, though I couldn't figure out what. He would avoid talking to me, go into weird moody silences and seemed not to want to be in my company. If I confronted him, he pretty much said he didn't want any more arguments ( though I wasn't aware we'd actually had any ). Eventually we split up and it wasn't until many months later he finally admitted he'd been seeing other women and had felt guilty facing me. I thought this was a pretty poor excuse for treating me this way and said so, but I guess facing me compounded his feelings of guilt, and also by cutting the opportunities for talking he had less time with me in which to say something incriminating.

I'm not saying this is true of your H, it could be something totally innocuous and until he decides to open up to you, you're going to be left guessing. The only advice I would give you is to let him get on with it , but certainly if you feel like going out and he has no valid excuse for needing the car, then go , you can't control what he is doing, but you can take control over your own life and refuse to be dictated to.

I always think that saying you're not sure you love someone anymore is a real cop out , if you're really not sure then work it out, don't start to give out mixed messages , it is so unfair on the one receiving them . People do fall out of love and this can't be helped , it's hard on the partner who still wants a relationship, but the end of a relationship is at least a new beginning, this is no mans land and he's leaving you floundering, waiting til he makes up his mind, this makes me so mad.

jeannie, start to live your life as if he is no longer around,please don't let him treat you this way, nobody deserves what's happening to you . By showing him you can be independant, he may just realise how much he values having you around, and at this stage I really feel you have nothing to lose by doing this. I'm not saying live as a single person in the literal sense, but make decisions that suit YOU, do things that please YOU. You didn't ask for this and you don't have to take his indecision lying down.

Just my honest opinion, keep us posted.

Love

Helen
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Old 12th July 2005, 02:52 PM   #5
Delicious Walnuts
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Re: re I need someone to talk to !

I am a man in a troubled marriage, and I can corroborate helenrw on the blame-shifting. I have been guilty of numerous wrongs, and I have felt at times that I've gone so far overboard that there is no use trying to deal with it all. Instead of apologizing to my wife, I got angry, even if not directly at her - and all the same she is hurt and left wondering what she did. There is no way out but to be honest, open up, and deal.

I have only learned anything since my wife has gotten curt with me about what she really sees happening. Instead of trying to plan a life with someone who is not ready to address that life with her, she started to take comfort in other things and other friends. Now, after some soul-searching and growing up, I am beginning to understand how and why I should really fight for her and earn her love.

Your husband will regret it later if he simply marches off and leaves you. You obviously saw in him a humane and warm enough person to raise a family with, and if he is feeling guilty about something and pushing it on you, it shows that he hasn't simply turned into a soulless monster. His soul is suffering the guilt of hiding things from his lifelong partner. You may feel agonized at the moment, but you will be at inner peace with yourself knowing the truth about who you are, and if your husband does not realize this, he will find himself in pain, and just like my divorced father, he'll wonder why in anguish, because the denial of his guilt will go all the way to denying that you meant anything to him - which is absolutely not true!

I am not saying this to make you feel like you should lord anything over him. But you need to remember how important you are, both for yourself and for him. I agree that you should carry on with your life and not wait for him to come around to go forward. I am young and may not know a lot about how it feels to be in your situation, but I know on his side he's making a colossal error because I've been there.
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Old 28th July 2005, 01:23 AM   #6
Gypsywind
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Talking Re: re I need someone to talk to !

Work dillegently on your marriage. I had a friend who stormed out of his house saying he did not love his wife anymore and left his wife and family. He had intentions of starting another life with me! I did not even know what was going on and we both were close friends but I was married too, happily and then this happened.

He regretted all that he said to his wife in anger. Their relationship had spoiled a long time ago and I think he had reached the limit. Not having the marriage that he had always desired.

He has gone back to his family and realized that what he did was wrong and that he was acting like a child having a tantrum.

Many times people find themselves not having much in common once the kids are out of the nest. Most of your time and talents are focused upon the kids. Often times you put your marriage on hold and are parents and not focused on still remaining lovers in your marriage. This is crucial. The kids will be gone and it can be like it was before kids if you work on it.

Seek why your spouse is feeling this way. Take care of his needs and act as loving as caring as you can. Show a real interest in him. Talk and comunicate intimately and caringly. If he has an outside interest it will fade with an interested wife who he has a history and commitment with... I have experienced this myself. I had an affair during a very traumatic time in my life and regret the day I acted so foolishly. How could I have been so dumb and inconsiderate of the people I truly cared about my spouse and my kids.

Fight for him. He is worth it. You may renew a wonderful romance and life like I have and I tell you it is worth it.........Work on you and your marriage and you will see results I assure you. Don't give up..........Strive to make your marriage exciting. - Gypsy Wind.
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