Sexless Marriage falling to pieces.....

[Ageing Grace]

Thank goodness some women have responded to this thread!

Jools is right, and I can't imagine any married woman would disagree. Obviously not all women are bored in the marital bed (or kitchen, garden & living-room floor ... ) but SO MANY are, it's a standing joke amongst married women. Men don't hear about it because we like to protect your fragile egos

Another side to this story has to do with the obvious emotional issues affecting your wife, Marky. It seems as if she enjoys relaxed intimacy - and is well capable of taking part - but, then, something suggests to her that it's "not right" and she - as you put it - walls up. For her sake, I'd like to think she could overcome the issue, whatever it be, and enjoy herself more permanently. But it didn't prevent you having a good relationship before, so I suspect it's not the root cause of your present difficulty.

I've just shown this thread to my mother. We had a good old laugh about how deluded men can be ... and we commiserated with the millions of women who have NEVER enjoyed sex much.

Individual sexuality varies. I'm lucky, in that I have a strong libido and have been fortunate with my choice of partners (physically, anyway). But I've still known my share of men whose lovemaking was so uninspiring, I'd find myself thinking: "Oh, crumbs, I suppose we've got to do it now." How sad.

I'm not exactly backward in expressing my desires, but some blokes are startlingly obtuse when it come to taking the hint! For a woman with a low-to-average libido, and average shyness (or inexperience) ... the end result can be a lifetime of routine dullness where joy might have stood

Not offering any specific advice here (yet, heh) - just confirming what Jools, and married women everywhere, have always known. It'd be good to hear some other takes on the subject, as no individual's experience is the same as another ...

AG

[Ageing Grace]

Originally Posted by Brotan

sex is an issue brought up in marriage counselling and when dealt with properly it may just save your marriage and create a wonderful sex life (it did for me and my husband)

Isn't Brotan wonderful?

A good sex therapist is worth their weight in gold, too - the trouble is finding a good one.

In our many ways, Marky, we're all suggesting that you make sure your wife understands her family life is at risk. At the risk of stating the obvious, you won't get far if you approach this from a "What's YOUR problem?" point of view (how sexy would that make you feel?) However, it's justifiable and healthy to open a discussion along the lines that your marriage is currently not at its best, and "How can WE improve our lives?"

Good luck. Please keep posting
AG

Wow, the responses are coming thick and fast.......

I totally understand the side of making her feel wanted and doing things to help move the relationship on....this is probably one of the most difficult parts of our releationship.....

I used to (sadly starting to give up) make a lot of effort at this, trying to cuddle up to my wife usually results in being pushed away, a cuddle at bedtime is a thing of the past as it becomes obvious that she doesn't want that sort of affection....

I defiantley do my part with the kids and it is very rare that I sit down before 9-10 of an evening after my full time work and the extra work I do of an evening...in this time I would have had some playtime with the kids, put my son to bed etc etc....

Over the last couple of weeks I have recieved txt messages while at work saying how she wants it too work and how she is going to make an effort but I can't make the first move as I am always pushed away, constant rejection becomes awfull after a while....

She doesn't come forward at all, no signs, nothing....and the few minor hints I have made have resulted in the usual brickwall....

I would like to think that maybe it has all got a bit boring for her but this has been going on for most of our relationship, sexless for 6 years, celibate for nearly 2 of those 6....we have only been married for 7.......

I believe she suffers from some sort of social anxiety, obviously from her past that stops her from letting anyone get close....I have pointed out that the relationship is going to pot and the knock on effect of us splitting up will be devastating too the kids etc but not even this kick starts anything....

On the occassions that we have had sex (in the past) she always says that she enjoys it and we should do it more but we usually go for another 6 months before we do it again.....

I am now at my wits end and personally can't see it carrying on much longer.....I am now so frustrated (sexually and otherwise) that I am becoming more and more arguementative which obviously isn't helping......

[Ageing Grace]

Yes, I see how your patience would be wearing out just as you need more of it!

Thanks for writing back, Marky. It is hopeful that she's texting you with what, I guess, are quite intimate messages - for her. I'm assuming you *have* said what you told us, that you daren't make the first move for fear of scaring her off?

It's certainly clear that she appreciates the problem, and would very much like to fix it ...

It also looks as though she's frightened of something: something that's still so powerful in her unconscious, it is capable of preventing her from enjoying a happy family life. If she can take away that "something's" power, she'll be better able to relax & will feel more confident.

Such a thing doesn't necessarily imply a major trauma, though that's quite possible given what you said about her past. Very controlling parents are a common cause of Generalised Anxiety Disorder, especially in women. The constant feeling of being "not good enough" leads to permanent stress - and, eventually, physical symptoms provoked by hormone & neurotransmitter imbalances.

Here are a couple of links, picked more or less at random:
http://www.merck.com/mmpe/sec18/ch251/ch251b.html
http://www.womentowomen.com/depressi...d/anxiety.aspx
http://psychology.suite101.com/artic...ar_of_intimacy

Clearly, feeling anxious and "not good enough" stops you enjoying your own body, never mind letting somebody else enjoy it!

Such things aren't usually too difficult to fix or, at least, to manage. The problem lies in making the decision to get counselling, when the "something" will fight tooth & nail to keep you from dealing with it! (I used to get a violent stomach upset before my appointments )

Since you have made the effort to discuss with your wife the serious threat to your marriage - and she's responded positively - this should be the ideal time to make a Relate appointment.

Or - if your wife's up to it - just make a resolution to have sex every day. Whether you feel like it or not! This time-honoured fix for overstressed, sexless couples has now been clinically trialled and found to work Of course, if there IS a deep-seated something, the 'daily dose' method won't be possible. You'll have to figure that one out between you ...

A couple of alternative approaches to beating the "something" would be for her to try EFT - a very fast-acting technique to overcome deep-seated fears (find a qualified therapist with the relevant training) or, if you're religious, prayer. Raymond had some great stories about prayer's power to release sexual inhibitions.

I really hope this works out well for you, Marky
As you're both in this for the success of your marriage, the signs are good (might not feel like it: but they are!)

Very best wishes,
AG