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Old 24th November 2011, 11:38 AM   #31
Chamomile
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Re: To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

Hi

I find Raymond extremely skilled in exploring the subject, Hunny.

It's interesting how your personality seems to have "evolved" since the thread had started. You sound more like a different person. You became someone who's more confident and is sure of herself.

You do sound like you do love your H. I wasn't sure before. Do you tell him you love him every day? Whether you like it or not, marriage isn't meant to be a shackle (control). We make sacrifices if we love someone as you did but you cannot control your H if he does not love you back in the same way. If I read what you said correctly, your h has some major issues and these things may need to be worked out somehow.

I think if you love someone, perhaps you can stop blaming the faults of your H and make a commitment of loving him. See if that would change him for any better. If you keep arguing with him over the same subject again and again, he is bound to feel attacked and he's not going to fall in love with you again if that makes any sense?

It depends on how much you love him. Sounds like you still do? xxx
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Old 24th November 2011, 12:26 PM   #32
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Re: To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

My H and I have acted like normal all the time, I had only mentioned the issues a few weeks ago I kept them to myself.
Chsmomile my H wont change , he had everything and more st home Snd he still strayed .
I have never hidden the fact that I loved my H that was the reason why I couldn't face what he did or take it in, but Chamomile how much do you take off them no matter how much you love someone , he wont change , just find more ways to cover his own tracks.
There is a pattern to him, he needs his kicks and the more I give the more confident he feels and the more he ventures away, ie match.com.
I know you mean well, but how can I ever trust him, loving him doesn't work , just builds his ego .
I couldn't have been a more forgiving, patient calm women who held nothing back.
He is a thrill seeker , enjoys lies, deceipt and gets his kicks elsewhere ,
Yes I am growing now , I spoke to him today and now he knows his chances have all gone, if he had found out I had been on march.com after everything else u would have been kicked out by him and he agreed.
Now I will take my time, he knows his chances all went through the window Snd I can't tryst him,
It's a start!!

Last edited by Hunnymunster; 24th November 2011 at 12:47 PM.
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Old 24th November 2011, 02:07 PM   #33
Raymond
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Re: To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

If you approach it as I say Hunny (I know it is painful) you will have cleared something from the past out of the way. It is as much for you as for him. By the sound of it he will still be unfaithful anyway, even so you need to explain to him and honour him. If he reciprocates and comes clean about his dealings and expresses sorrow well and good. If not you would have cleared all doubts about the past through your honesty which will leave you free and give you the strength I hope to make right decisions.

I am not saying you have done anything wrong in the past Hunny but the appearance of an EA was certainly there in his eyes. Although you kept clean there was something going on inwardly between you. You couldn't help that and acted as above board as you could. I think you owe him an explanation of that as your husband and I am sure it will go some way in helping you to see the way forward.
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Old 24th November 2011, 03:22 PM   #34
Helen_uk
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Re: To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

I'm not so sure Raymond . I tried that with the ex . He was convinced I'd had an affair at one point even though I'd done nothing of the sort . I tried numerous times to talk to him about it, he would have none of it . In fact he was the guilty one and it often happens that people who've done wrong project their own feelings of guilt onto their spouse.

I think no matter how Hunny tries to explain what happened to her H he will believe what he wants to believe, and I think believing she could be unfaithful actually makes him feel less guilty and helps him justify ( in his eyes ) what he's done .

I think Hunny should already have a clear conscience . Regardless of her feelings for the man she did absolutely nothing untoward and should feel totally absolved from any guilt. Bearing in mind how vulnerable she was after the death of her first husband I think she's done amazingly well to hold her life together as best she can .
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Old 24th November 2011, 04:40 PM   #35
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Re: To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

Hi Helen
That is my fear , men like him point the blame as he did when he went on match . He wants to be vindicated , men like my H have no soul and blame others fir there actions.
My H is a compulsive liar and plays the victim , as u did already his family will not believe what he is capable of because he us do nice and caring , that's how men like him get away with things, he even fools me to.
Thsnkyou Helen for the female side, though u understand Raymonds idea, ok if not design with a manipulative , lying control freak , who looks like butter wouldn't melt in hid mouth.
Men like him win all round and you want me to give him ammunition to justify himself.
No worries this worm has turned. 

P.s. My H did this with his ex, she had enough of his mental cruelty and absive behaviour Snd she left him. My H did his best to make out she was a bad mother and that she was having an affair .
It all came out though in the divorce petition of his abuse , mental cruelty etc, they were married for 6 years and she managed to leave with the backing of her family .
We spoke last year fir the first time and I was horrified to learn I had gone through the same except he has upped his stakes since we have easy access to the internet Snd mobiles these days compared to 20 years ago, though he did join a dating agency as soon as things got tough and the l

Last edited by Hunnymunster; 24th November 2011 at 05:16 PM.
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Old 27th November 2011, 02:38 PM   #36
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Re: To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

Hi all,
I just wanted to ask a question it's a bit silly really but I would like some thoughts.
As you know I had confirmation my H took another female on holiday with him to a race week he gies to every year fir the past 14 yes.
I went with him this year against my instincts as u wouldn't let him go alone, since then though have seen written proof he took his girlfriend .
My dilemma is a letter came on Friday from the ferry company fir him to pay fir tickets he reserved, to be paid by the end of feb!
My questions are?
Am I right to feel gutted that after everything he still has the nerve to leave the letter out to read?
Should I have to pit up with any mention if the TT?
Should he even be considering going to this event again?
And am I being selfish and childish thinking like this?
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Old 27th November 2011, 08:21 PM   #37
Helen_uk
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Re: To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

I think it's a bit insensitive of him , it does seem to fit in with his general lack of concern for your feelings .

Perhaps he thinks as you went with him before you'd be happy to go again ? May be an ideal opportunity for you to explain your feelings .
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Old 27th November 2011, 09:12 PM   #38
Forever
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Re: To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

Hunny,

It would be interesting to see who he ends up taking (being he has two tickets) if you decided not to go.
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Old 27th November 2011, 09:26 PM   #39
Chamomile
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Re: To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

Hi

Yes.
Hunny loves this guy after all these years of betrayal.

Do you think the guy left this evidence deliberately to give you an answer you were looking for?
Now, you have got a concrete evidence.

I don't mean to offend but I did agree with Raymond for what he said earlier e.g. your emotional attraction to the other guy. Suppose, you were already very unhappy in your marriage and even if you weren't even physically involved with other guy, you say, you were in love with the other guy.

Even though you sacrificed and you decided to stay in your marriage but you have once physically left your H to be together with the other guy. Your H must have seen it as a confirmation that his relationship with you is over and he is free to move on or play away. He doesn't sound like the type who would try to "work on" his marriage. He seems to be the type who would rather quit as soon as things go awry in his marriage.

This may not be something you were looking for but thought I'd post this.

I agree with Helen. You need to talk to him about your feelings.

Another thing is, you are not exactly in love with your H and that's why you left him before for the the other guy (who was married with someone else) you fell in love with. I guess your H move on quickly since that happened as he was left. Maybe, he started to play away before that.
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Old 28th November 2011, 12:10 PM   #40
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Re: To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

Hi
Not sure you read previous posts properly
I never left my H for another man, I left after I found an email written by my H to meet strangers for sex, 7 years ago
It was after I left that my H said he had met someone else in the week I had left and gone back
I later found out he had been seeing her as a single man for months before I left, he met her on a dating site.
3 years ago I found he had been away with a women and another couple fir a weeks holiday which he took every year.

It was only this years while I was I'll I found the posts he had written 3 hrs ago Confirming that he did have a full blown affair and that he had lied.
Around April this year I saw my H had joined. Dating site as a single man. I didn't confront him as I was waiting to have a biopsy.
A few weeks ago I confronted hi
And he denied the posts he had written as jokes and blamed my using him taking the other women away as an excuse not to go to the TT this year( he missed the last two). As his reason for messing on match .com
He left the letter about the tickets because he wants to go next year no matter how I felt and I was wondering if that is normal under the circumstances, not expecting to be blamed
My friend by the way which is in my previous posts hast been my friend for 7 years which I did make clear fir all
My questions where am I right to feel upset that he acts as though nothing happens and if I talk to him about it he will join a dating site like last time.
He gets angry if I suggest he can't go and he thinks I am being childish and unreasonable .
It's a long time away(June) but I will be subjected to watch old footage of TT races etc until June .
Thus makes me feel Ill, uptight and so stressed to see him act as though he hasn't done anything wrong .

The previous posts written with the good intent I am sure somewhat change the real events and your responses and seem to turn the table around as though I have had an affair .
My appeal for help initially was about why couldn't I find the strenghth to leave my H after all his lies, cheating, debts etc
I found myself staying in a marriage to a man who pretends he is single when it suits him.
He lies and I believe him more than myself and that's how it was till I found the old posts, then it all changed fir me, BUT I still couldn't act on the real evidence due to k
No guts and that's where being on this forum came into play, finding inner strength to stop being a doormat. Look past the nice man mask. See him for who he is and stand up for myself and to stop taking the blame for my H a actions
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Old 28th November 2011, 12:31 PM   #41
Hunnymunster
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Re: To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

P S
I have never blamed my H for his actions instead I take the blame myself. But given the chance I became the ideal wife and was what ever he wanted and didn't answer back.
I lost myself by trying to be the ideal happy wife
My repayment for still giving this man trust and letting him enjoy his life was he spent his free time with another s
Women, while I and my son did without holidays due to his debts and drinking, yet he still went away .
And again I put up with this because I hadn't enough evidence a d stupidly believe his word, what does he do but carry on with various dati g and chatting sites behind my back
I am no victim but how much do you let someone who says they love you walk all over you.
I can't let him do this to me anymore, this has broken me beyond a doubt. It is just as hard to let go Shen as a human I still feel for him, but this is due to being together and putting up with so much fir so long.
I love the man he was, not the person he has become, I feel I am living a lie behind my smile shi h is the only thing I have left, My SMILE.
I don't want or expect sympathy especially from this who do not know how I feel, but I wouldime practical advice Good and bad .
My H will do it all again no matter how nice a wife I become, no matter how good his life is, in fact I find the better and happier he is ,is the times he throws caution to the wind.
I saw him go to the car last night when he thought I was having a shower , he went to get another bottle of wine to swap fir the nearly empty one, to make it look as though he hadn't drunk much, except I had see. How many glasses he had drunk!
To me this proves he wll never stop, hiding,lying,cheating,scheming ,it's all a childish planned game to him.
I am 50 next year and I think I deserve a new life and. Fresh start, but to get there j have to accept I can't spend the rest of MY life in awe of this or any other man
I want to find the strenghth to walk away with my head held high , I would never expect another human female to be subtly made to feel worthless In this day and age.

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Old 28th November 2011, 12:36 PM   #42
Chamomile
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Re: To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

[QUOTE=Hunnymunster;67239]

My friend and I spent more time together walks, he came to the hospital with me and my son when he was Ill and supported me.
Our friendship was that of totally honest friends but we both knew after years we meant more to each other but we would never cross the barrier. We tried to lose contact on several occasions but we missed the company.
Then 7 years ago I found my H had sent an email to mert for sex, my H said he was drunk and it was nothing
My friend helped me to rent a house and we decided we would make a go of it as a couple when the dust settled and he left his wife and I left my H
Within the day my friend couldn't cope with the guilt of what we had done, though nothing physical had happened it still felt wrong and I went home, feeling rejected to my H
By then I found out my H had been on a dating site and been meeting women and when I confronted him he blamed me leaving him and he wouldn't accept I left due to the sick email I found.
[/QUOTE]

Hi Hunny

I was referring to what you said earlier:

"we decided we would make a go of it as a couple when the dust settled and he left his wife and I left my H.. Within the day my friend couldn't cope with the guilt of what we had done etc etc"

Hope this clarifies xx
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Old 28th November 2011, 04:44 PM   #43
Hunnymunster
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Re: To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

Yes that clarifies things though I didn't leave my H to be with someone else for the sake of being with someone else.
But I see your point !
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Old 28th November 2011, 07:21 PM   #44
Hunnymunster
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Re: To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

Do you believe I have contributed solely to my H,s behaviour and that I have gotten what I deserve , Chamomile?
I think you are wrong and you highlighted my response to my situation 7 years ago, forgetting the situation I lived in for years before , I feel you took it out if context and forgot my H,s lies etc in other areas of our marriage which u have put up with for 17 years.
I accept my part, I don't run away from the truth, but how much do I have to accept from my H, tell me that?
If I am getting pay back in your eyes, do I pay for my mistakes all my life and when is enough is enough?
xx
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Old 1st December 2011, 09:44 AM   #45
Raymond
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Re: To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

None of this is about running you down Hunny and I don't believe that is what Chamomile is saying.

Nothing justifies what your husband was/is doing.

What is apparent is that you reached a stalemate. Your husband had certainly got the impression you were having an affair earlier on. That appearance was easy to get from what went on with this policeman.

What I was saying was come clean with the real story to him and be open. Your reason for not doing this was because he is a cheat and was not worthy to know about these things. I think you missed the point there which was not about how good he was but about you clearing the past in your marriage and your part in the marriage relationship. I believe that is a right thing to do and would take away any fuel he is using from it to feed his behaviour.

Would he now change if you did that? Probably not but I think it is important to you and your moral wellbeing and might even give you the impetus to do the right thing about this marriage and not be a doormat.

Now I suspect that you might now defend yourself and point out your good behaviour with the policeman but if you do that you have missed the point again. You are dealing here with the appearance of an affair that was given to him. Coming clean about exactly what happened would go a long way to clear up the murkiness of the past for you. Who knows that it won't even change his behaviour.

Last edited by Raymond; 1st December 2011 at 09:49 AM.
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