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Old 22nd November 2011, 03:29 PM   #16
Hunnymunster
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Re: To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

[QUOTE=Helen_uk;67356]Hunny,

I don't think you need to explain, I don't think you've done anything wrong . You controlled the feelings you had for your friend because he was a married man and although you left temporarily you have done your utmost to keep the marriage you have together .

I think you're suffering from a mis-placed guilt complex and I don't think you had properly gotten over the death of your first H and are possibly still feeling grief and guilt from way back then.

I'm really glad you've sought counselling because those guilt issues need to be addressed and gotten rid of .

No wonder you feel you don't have the strength to make decisions with all that whirling about inside ![/

I think I have been too scared to make move , I lost my strenghth and will and am hiding behind this I can cope with anything mask Snd I did that until I saw the posts my H had written. I think that has tipped the balance and now I want to get out I realise all strength and will has deserted me as I am used to the situation and I know my H feels justified to his life as he feels my friendship was a betrayal to him,
So that's where I feel he is justified to say those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
I guess my guilt is, my feelings fir someone else wont die, even though we don't see each other at all.
I guess I feel though I never had an affair I am just as guilty as my H, though I know he will carry on with his secret life and I just stay stuck in limbo .
So basically I feel I have brought this on myself and lost my guts and life skills? 
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Old 22nd November 2011, 04:01 PM   #17
Helen_uk
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Re: To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

I can see you feel that way , it comes through in your posts . It's not true though . You didn't ACT on your feelings , you had morals .

We all have feelings and sometimes those feelings are about people we can't have for whatever reason. We also have a will though and you used that will to ensure you didn't do anything you should be ashamed of.

Your H wasn't meeting up with this woman as a friend, he was having an affair, he took her on holiday and boasted about the relationship , that's entirely different .

I also disagree that you've brought this on your self, I think you made the best of circumstances beyond your control and maybe you're not feeling strong enough right now to make those life changing decisions but you will get there .

I think counselling will help you see the reality and the differences and will give you back the strength you've lost . I really wish you had friends you could talk to because you sound so isolated .
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Old 22nd November 2011, 07:30 PM   #18
Raymond
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Re: To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

I've now read the whole thing though Hunny and now get the full picture I hope. I tend to be short of time in the earlier part of the week and don't always read everything properly. I thought there were two different men but they are one and the same. Much simpler.

In hindsight you should have confronted your husband when he had an affair and possibly left him when there was no repentance over it as in these situations the wronged party can become a doormat when they let it go and the other is not even sorry. Judging by his present behaviour he is still not sorry.

The mistake was made when you married your husband, but once married you honoured your vows, unlike him it seems. You could have easily been unfaithful to him but wasn't. It must be very hard to be accused of having an affair when you paid a cost to be honourable.

Really you are back to square one and will still need to build your self esteem and break the wrong control he has over you. You need to free your will to make the right decisions without being controlled.

Just one question Hunny. Do you think you had an emotional affair with the policeman?
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Old 23rd November 2011, 09:17 AM   #19
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Re: To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

Hi Raymond
The gates opened to an emotional affair 7 years ago after I found the first email my H wrote for Sex with strangers.
My guard dropped but in fact the opposite happened I found my heart closed to even have my friend as a friend and I couldn't bare him to talk to except to rant Snd rave about my H.
In fact he was too important to me to break the rules with because if ever I was single and if he was he was the only person I knew I could be me with and I could never, ever give him the wrong impression as if we had Ever gitton together as single people I needed him to know he could trust me 100%
You see my friendship was too important to me and it couldn't function at the bad times as u was scared people would get the wrong idea, rebound etc.
So when I started to have my troubles at home the friendship dissolved too.

Last edited by Hunnymunster; 23rd November 2011 at 09:21 AM. Reason: 
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Old 23rd November 2011, 09:47 AM   #20
Raymond
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Re: To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

You did well really Hunny athough you were under temptation to have an emotional affair. It sounds to me you were honourable for the policemans' sake and not your husbands. Would that be a correct analysis in the sense that you wanted to preserve his image of you as an honourable person perhaps in the hope that something might open up in the future if you left your husband perhaps?
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Old 23rd November 2011, 11:10 AM   #21
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Re: To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

Hi Raymond
Your analysis is correct to the policeman but I also couldn't have an affair either no matter what my H did I have still been loyal to him no matter what he did.
I think I find that more soul destroying , that my H thinks relationships are so disposable and thinks his actions mean nothing but childish fun, yet I turned away the chance of a better life with a much better person only to be treated like s nothing a disposable puppy dog. I felt too guilty to start a new life After my H,s first affair because my morals wouldn't let me look as bad as my H!!
I lost everything, my marriage , my friend, myself, my life, all because I have no guts!!
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Old 23rd November 2011, 01:13 PM   #22
Chamomile
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Re: To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

Hi

I often wondered what was actually the main reason why you wanted to continue living with your H who obviously appears to have some vices e.g. drink, sex etc?

Fear of moving out of your home where you're so used to?

Fear of renting a house/a flat which may be beyond what you alone can afford?

It sounds more like you are planning to stay put for various reasons as much as you wish you had "some guts" to leave?

whichever you choose, hope things will work out for you xx
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Old 23rd November 2011, 01:51 PM   #23
Raymond
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Re: To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

So the other reason for not having an emotional affair, apart from preserving your image in the policeman's eyes, was not wanting to go against your own personal morals I take it.

This is very commendable and is one of the things that preserves marriages but if he didn't keep the morals as well then there is obviously a betrayal by him.

He is saying he was unfaithful because you were. Does he actually believe that? Might there be an excuse for him in that that's what it appeared to be in his eyes. Could he have got the impression that you loved the policeman instead of him and on that basis was unfaithful himself?

Sorry for the questions. I am just trying to get to the bottom of it.
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Old 23rd November 2011, 03:27 PM   #24
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Re: To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

Hi
My H has always denied he has had an affair he denies everything.
He tries to use my friendship with the policeman as a smoke screen If I ever mentioned any thing in the past or if he sees him in passing , even though he knows we are not friends anymore he refers to him as my boyfriend!
This friend and I haven't spoken properly since my husband first affair 7 years ago Snd I accepted blame for his affair because he felt me Snd the policeman were too close as he was there fir me after u found my zh had sent an email to meet strangers for sex,
The policeman and I lost touch after that as it was best fir all and 4 years later my H took the girl away with him Snd that's where my thread began .
My H convinced me they were just friends etc and I beloved him, I got on with my life my marriage and then this year I found the old posts he had written in 2008 and there u found he had been bragging about his girlfriend , openly bragging about her, what she was like, arranging to meet other people with her Snd even told of a another weekend away he went with her that I didn't know off and the prior arrangements of getting to know her first .

Then he went on match.com as a single man this feb, now this he did admit to, he said he was messing about because u wouldn't agree to go to the Tt races this year( which he took his girlfriend to in 2008) as I didn't want to follow in their footsteps . I did go even though it broke my heart as by then I had read the posts but hadn't confronted my H as I was waiting to have a biopsy . I made sure he had a great time Snd I put his feelings first, I was the dutiful wife , yet I could hear in my head hid posts bragging about the campsite he camped with her( that's what you do TT week). Which was the exact site he took me to. I held it all together until 4 weeks ago and then when I came out with it all he just brushed it under the carpet because it happened 3 years ago , when I only found out the truth this year.
But he still denied it making put I had nothing better to do with my time than to fester, but I hadn't thought about it again until I was presented with his posts.
I told you my full story as I feel people don't tell all and the shadow you say casts over all my choices I guess .
But surely I can't carry on accepting bring a doormats when I did everything right and my zh goes the opposite way and gets away with it, I on the otherhand couldn't stray as he dud yet I feel the baddy and take what ever he dies as my punishment I guess. But that makes me angrier but makes me feel small and defenceless in my argument to stand up to myself !
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Old 23rd November 2011, 05:41 PM   #25
Chamomile
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Re: To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

Hi Hunny

I think we probably have a better idea about your feelings.

I'm not saying it's anyone's fault. But these things do happen more often with other factors such as drinking (his drinking). It's not like he's happily married is he? Marriage only works when two people are really happy together and working to achieve a good enough marriage. You don't really have a physical relationship with him anymore as you say. That could be one symptom for a relationship breakdown. He's bound to look out for opportunities else where (again not your own fault ) Your relationship is hardly thriving in that state..this relationship isn't a source of great joy.
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Old 23rd November 2011, 09:54 PM   #26
Raymond
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Re: To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

This friend and I haven't spoken properly since my husband first affair 7 years ago Snd I accepted blame for his affair because he felt me Snd the policeman were too close as he was there fir me after u found my zh had sent an email to meet strangers for sex.

I think the above is where it went wrong. He obviously took your close association with the policeman as an affair because of how close you were. Whilst you did not have an affair I think it is possible the appearance of an affair was given to your husband. I think he did pick up something about it. It turns out that the policeman was in love with you and you had feelings for him. However honourable your intentions were in your mind it would have been easy to give the appearance of an affair. Whilst you kept it honourable it may have been impossible to hide your true feelings for the policeman and this is what your husband must have picked up on. Knowing how jealous he can be this would not have been difficult. That is still with him now because of his remarks.

My feeling, you are not going to like this, is to tell your husband the full story of what happened if he is really interested to know. He can only appreciate what you gave up for the marriage when he knows how truly involved you were in your heart. I think wiping the slate completely with him will clear any guilt you are still feeling. The reason I say to do this is because he is your husband and I also feel it will give you the moral drive you need to then make the right decisions.

Wouldn't that help you if he came completely clean about whatever he was up to with these women? I think you need to start the ball rolling and fix the past before you can move on properly. I know it is a very humble thing to do but I feel it will free you. I am only asking you to be as honest with him as you have been with us by telling it like it was.
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Old 23rd November 2011, 11:23 PM   #27
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Re: To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

So what your saying is It Is My Fault my H strays
And that it's ok fir my H to do what he wants and that u am to blame.
That I have stood by him took everything he throws at me and u still didn't have an affair. Yet he can hurt me, have affairs etc and he is justified ?
My friendship was just that , my feelings stayed close to my chest.
My H has had numerous liaisons .
I haven't been in touch with mt friend fir 7 years and my H dies what he wants . Doesn't the same apply to me then after 7 years of this Snd still being the happy dutiful wife acting though he hasn't done anything .
Si what your saying is I can do the same if I am getting the same raw deal.
And Yes chamomile our relationship is still physical , as far as my H is concerned all is normal between us and has been all the time xx
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Old 24th November 2011, 09:53 AM   #28
Hunnymunster
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Re: To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

Hi
I started the talk this morning, starting from now and working backwards then in reverse i guess.
My only feeling is by doing this I am letting him off the hook by taking the blame myself which I really don't think that is far if you consider the way he had been all our marriage, the secrets and lies are part of hus personality and previous physical abuse too, all reasons he was divorced previously, which I didn't know till years later.
AND he joined a dating site then too when his then wife had,had enough , it seems his way at getting back at us gir not putting up with the set he is with us, though he us mortified and pretends it was all nothing.
Either way I am here to find the right path to get out if this turmoil and do the right thing no matter how bumpy the road and no matter if the truth hurts.
One thing I don't accept is that if a man is unhappy at home he will go looking else where, there is no excuse fir a man or woman to loom else where, if that was the case i too would have reason but it doesn't work like that .
Only selfish people seek elsewhere when the going gets tough and there is no excuse in the world to justify that .
Which really answers my own doubts how to handle my H.
As I said the talks have started and my head is already clearing in such a short space of time. 
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Old 24th November 2011, 09:57 AM   #29
Raymond
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Re: To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

No I am not saying that Hunny. It is always wrong to have affairs when you are married. Nothing justifies what he has done.

I think you may have given the appearance of an affair through your liasons with him and your husband has possibly reacted to that. What I am saying is clear or clarify honestly to your husband what actually happened from the beginning as you have done with us. I know it is a big thing for you but I think you need to think about it. Maybe your husband would have strayed anyway who knows, but possibly he reacted to what he thought was happening between you and the policeman. I think this will help clear the ground and put everything on an honest basis as far as you are concerned.

It is not about what he is going to do just now only something you can do to clear the path. It is obviously still on your husbands mind by the comments he made. You can only clarify your side of it. It could be that he will realise how much you have given up for this marriage. It may be that once you have done this you have taken away any excuse he may have in playing around as he does. If he doesn't respond you know where you stand.
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Old 24th November 2011, 10:59 AM   #30
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Re: To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

I agree with what you say, but my H was jelous of all my friends and my sons.
He uses my friend to get at me more than anything.
I think I need to approach this as you say but in the past I was open as we were only friends, it was only after my H went on a site for sex and joined a dating site where I later found out he saw a women behind my back for quiet a whlle, again I didn't find out for some time.
It was then I accepted how I felt about my friend and we parted as I blamed our friendship on my H affairs et c.
My h and I did talk then and we had a great relationship till he went away with another women.
I do see your point and will delve as much is safe for me as you know his history.
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