To chamomile,Chosen,Forever,Helen uk ,Raymond,willjos

You have all been good to me in your responses and I have looked deep into what you all have said to sort out my issues. I gelt I owed it to you all to hive you the full picture as I know you will all have different thoughts and opinions on what I am going to say.
18 years ago on 21 Nov my husband didn't come home from a diving trip, he drowned at 40 metres. That day was my last ever normal family day and all changed from then on.
That night the policeman who dealt with the accident contacted me to apologise that the story had leaked out to the press before I was told. I heard this mans voice and concern even though I was surrounded by family and friends his voice at the end if the line grabbed me so strongly, baring in mind i was in shock from the news my H was dead. I turned to my grieving sister in law and said , this may sound weird but this man is going to be important in my life!!
True enough he kept in touch, supported me through the legal process and became friends with each others families and friends alike. He was the mist remarkable human I had ever met.
I met someone and that's where life became complicated, he was going through a divorce and not coping, I thought I could be his rock but I was wrong.
His behaviour was irratic from gentle to scary, he could be a mouse or a lion at the switch if a button. I wouldn't stand fir his behaviour and stood up to him but this gentle man didn't do rows just through things or gave that look that made you back down straight away. Me being me only saw the gentle man and I felt my standing up to him was wrong and I gradually backed down .but that wax wrong, he would change after a drink ,I would annoy him and u didn't know why! He would storm off fir miles, come home covered in scratches self inflicted on his arms, body . I supported him thinking it was the problems with the ex.
We married against my will and instinct but there was another dilemma, i knew I was in love with someone else but it wasn't possible to tell him or do anything, so I guess I punished myself fir loving a married man and thought u could change the damaged one, I was wrong!
Things got worse, not a daily routine but unexpected, . We moved in with his parents in between moving house, the tension there was impossible. His parents treated me as though I had no rights, kept information about our house move till my H came home from work instead of telling me so I could deal with the phone calls. My H got mad if I mentioned anything and rows got worse. One night he attacked me while out with friends, I saw the look and new j had to get away, he guessed and follows me out to the car and wouldn't let ne get in, he was drunk and wanted ti drive. I got in the car and he too, he grabbed my hair and tried to pull it out and tried to snap my arm with pressure, I saw a police car but didn't cry fir help as I didn't want my H to get in bother .
The next day he acted as though nothing happened and he apologised. I think I died of shame that day. There was more rows storming off etc nothing physical just the look.
My friend kept in touch he didn't know any of this but sensed, my H was getting keloid of our friendship and it began to feel wrong. So when I moved I didn't tell him where we had gone, but he found us thinking I had forgot to tell him.
At the new house things were up and down with big gaps, things got smashed in temper, my H was slashing his arms sometimes( to everyone he was this quiet meek man who was kind, and he was 90% of the time)
He was keloid of my kids too and my friends and I slowly went quiet fir the peace and it worked.
We moved to Wales 10 years ago , and after a drink again or even normal ,say the wrong thing my H would storm off drunk in the car, I was scared fir him at times.
The only way to avoid this was never to aggravate him.

My friend and I spent more time together walks, he came to the hospital with me and my son when he was Ill and supported me.
Our friendship was that of totally honest friends but we both knew after years we meant more to each other but we would never cross the barrier. We tried to lose contact on several occasions but we missed the company.
Then 7 years ago I found my H had sent an email to mert for sex, my H said he was drunk and it was nothing
My friend helped me to rent a house and we decided we would make a go of it as a couple when the dust settled and he left his wife and I left my H
Within the day my friend couldn't cope with the guilt of what we had done, though nothing physical had happened it still felt wrong and I went home, feeling rejected to my H
By then I found out my H had been on a dating site and been meeting women and when I confronted him he blamed me leaving him and he wouldn't accept I left due to the sick email I found.
My friend and I never spoke after that, both loved each other but ashamed to be open as our morals were too high!
3 years ago I found my H took someone away and I contacted my friend as I had by then not one single friend left.
He told me to bury my head in the sand and get on with it. Unknown to me he left hus partner in hope I would at last do the right thing, leave my H and after a period he hoped we could be a couple , except he forgot to tell me
From here on it's a bit messed up and he hopped one day I would leave and I didn't except fir brief periods which you know from my other thread.
We lost touch this past few years and I openly regret not having the guts to leave my H for this man. But morals and guilt got in our way.
My punishment for this is I got the confirmation I needed that my H had an affair fir sure and went on match.com all came this year with my health concern

So there you are I feel guilty because I loved someone else and because I am weak and couldn't stand up to my H

I know what you will all think but I felt I owed you all the whole story and now you know why I punish myself and that I am scared to start a new life as fir the past 18 my life has been upside down,
All due to one phonecall that fatefull day
Hunnymunster