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Old 8th March 2014, 09:35 PM   #1
cabbage
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ex-wife's BF smacking my kids! So upset and angry

hi, I have been on here before and the thread is now closed;
http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=8685
Re: Wife has been cheating, heart is torn, thrown in gutter and run over by the bin w

What is happening now is my ex-wife and I have just started divorce proceedings. I moved out of the home and she has remained in the house with our two kids who are 5 and 3. her bf has been living there for a few months now and we have both known that he has a criminal past and has show levels of violence. this weekend I have been looking after the kids and my 5 year old told be that her bf has been smacking my 3 year old on the back of the hand. sometimes "whacking him hard" and making him cry. this came out of the blue and I was very upset and angry. I didn't mention it again for a few hours and I spoke to my 5 year old again but this time I secretly videoed it and she told me everything again. I don't know what to do? is it illegal? should I do everything in my power to prevent him from seeing my kids?
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Old 8th March 2014, 10:47 PM   #2
chosen
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Re: ex-wife's BF smacking my kids! So upset and angry

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Originally Posted by cabbage View Post
hi, I have been on here before and the thread is now closed;
http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=8685
Re: Wife has been cheating, heart is torn, thrown in gutter and run over by the bin w

What is happening now is my ex-wife and I have just started divorce proceedings. I moved out of the home and she has remained in the house with our two kids who are 5 and 3. her bf has been living there for a few months now and we have both known that he has a criminal past and has show levels of violence. this weekend I have been looking after the kids and my 5 year old told be that her bf has been smacking my 3 year old on the back of the hand. sometimes "whacking him hard" and making him cry. this came out of the blue and I was very upset and angry. I didn't mention it again for a few hours and I spoke to my 5 year old again but this time I secretly videoed it and she told me everything again. I don't know what to do? is it illegal? should I do everything in my power to prevent him from seeing my kids?
What do you mean that he has shown levels of violence?

If this man has a criminal past and is violent, there is no way that he should be living with someone else's children let alone being allowed to hit them. I think you need to get legal advise, so that if she refuses to throw him out, you may need to try and get them to live with you.

If he has definitely shown himself to be violent in the past, you may even need to speak to social services. I cant understand what your wife is doing letting this man near the children.
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Old 8th March 2014, 11:08 PM   #3
cabbage
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Re: ex-wife's BF smacking my kids! So upset and angry

he beat up his friend whilst on holiday last September and got arrested. he threw a suitcase at her across the room but missed!previous is for abh and fraud. thanks

Last edited by cabbage; 8th March 2014 at 11:08 PM. Reason: update
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Old 8th March 2014, 11:15 PM   #4
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Re: ex-wife's BF smacking my kids! So upset and angry

I think my ex has lost her mind!
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Old 8th March 2014, 11:24 PM   #5
ronnoco
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Re: ex-wife's BF smacking my kids! So upset and angry

Hi Cabbage,

I remember your post very well.

I'm sorry to hear things are still so bad for you - I really am.

This must be so difficult for you. I would call everyone. Child Line, Social Services, Police, Citizens Advice Bureau, etc

My sister works for Children's Services. I will speak to her tomorrow and post back my findings.

If I were you I would move back into your own house. It's your house and you have every right to be there.

If your wife doesn't like it, tell her that you are happy to take custody of the children, tell her to pack her bags and go. You can sort a financial settlement on the house with divorce proceedings. Quit your job and get all the benefits in your name as the primary carer (you will get a lot, trust me )

Your wife is a "whirlwind" - she's not really the ticket. Something is deeply wrong with her but she is not your problem anymore.

Your only concern is those kids and their welfare. I personally couldn't have another guy hitting my kids. Just the thought of it fills me with rage.

Obtain as much evidence as possible from now on. Even if the moving back thing doesn't happen, you can still go for full custody. I hope you have been keeping a diary like suggested months ago? Don't worry about finances, they will sort themselves out. It's all about you and your kids now.

Good luck and I'll be in touch again tomorrow.
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Old 8th March 2014, 11:31 PM   #6
cabbage
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Re: ex-wife's BF smacking my kids! So upset and angry

ok. thanks.she has changed the locks! I have been keeping a diary
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Old 8th March 2014, 11:47 PM   #7
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Re: ex-wife's BF smacking my kids! So upset and angry

I think I am ready to do what is right. what I have always felt would happen. good thing is I can take 2 years unpaid leave if I wish! I am speaking to the police tonight and my solicitor on Monday!
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Old 9th March 2014, 12:16 AM   #8
chosen
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Re: ex-wife's BF smacking my kids! So upset and angry

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I think I am ready to do what is right. what I have always felt would happen. good thing is I can take 2 years unpaid leave if I wish! I am speaking to the police tonight and my solicitor on Monday!
had he actually been convicted of any violence, or merely charged?

Good for you, he sounds like a violent man who should not be allowed to live with other peoples children. However I am not sure the police will be interested, its more for social services. I cant think what your ex is thinking of here, allowing this to happen. If the house is a joint one then how is it she can change the locks? I wish that you hadn't moved out she should have done that..

You shouldnt need unpaid leave if you have them, they can go to a good child minder or nursery while you work, Millions of children do this. Plus how could you afford to live with no income for that long???I dont think you would get benefits if you have voluntarily left your job, and also its very hard to live on such a low income.
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Old 9th March 2014, 03:28 PM   #9
ronnoco
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Re: ex-wife's BF smacking my kids! So upset and angry

She changed the locks because she wanted to. Simple. Anyone can have locks changed. You could break back into your own house then have them changed againyourself if you wanted to (although I wouldn't suggest this)

Give her an ultimatum. Say you want custody or you are moving back in and stick to it. You are still married, you are man and wife. Ask this man to leave and if he doesn't, call the Police. get your Solicitor on the case asap. There's no way he can stay in this property if you don't want him there.

In think in your wife's state of mine, once the kids are off her hands, she wont want much to do with them anyway because she is clearly a terrible mother. This is a win win situation for you down the line with a custody battle.

Chosen - things have changed considerably since you raised your kids. You had it really tough. A man who leaves his job to be a full time parent to his kids would receive a surprising amount of child tax credits, child benefits and more. He could work part time perhaps as well. It wouldn't be easy but the Government will help considerably.

Get these kids with you Cabbage....

Good luck!
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Old 9th March 2014, 06:00 PM   #10
chosen
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Re: ex-wife's BF smacking my kids! So upset and angry

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Originally Posted by ronnoco View Post
She changed the locks because she wanted to. Simple. Anyone can have locks changed. You could break back into your own house then have them changed againyourself if you wanted to (although I wouldn't suggest this)

Give her an ultimatum. Say you want custody or you are moving back in and stick to it. You are still married, you are man and wife. Ask this man to leave and if he doesn't, call the Police. get your Solicitor on the case asap. There's no way he can stay in this property if you don't want him there.

In think in your wife's state of mine, once the kids are off her hands, she wont want much to do with them anyway because she is clearly a terrible mother. This is a win win situation for you down the line with a custody battle.

Chosen - things have changed considerably since you raised your kids. You had it really tough. A man who leaves his job to be a full time parent to his kids would receive a surprising amount of child tax credits, child benefits and more. He could work part time perhaps as well. It wouldn't be easy but the Government will help considerably.

Get these kids with you Cabbage....

Good luck!
OK. I remember that when I was a single mum working part time, my income in total was £900 a month and I was paying a mortgage out of that as well as everything else, and that was for 4 of us. All I got was the child allowance(which everyone got regardless of earnings), and free school meals for my youngest and free prescriptions. I think that for a few months I also got £10 a week income support(!) but that seemed to stop for some reason.
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Old 9th March 2014, 07:51 PM   #11
cabbage
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Re: ex-wife's BF smacking my kids! So upset and angry

hi, we have just met up,on our own with my eldest and my ex.i explained to the ex that our eldest had said something to me. so as a 3 we sat down and I asked my eldest to repeat what she said to me. so she told us both exactly what she told me. then later on me and the ex discussed it.ex said that she had told her bf to slap him on the hand if he needed to. she recons she wasn't aware this could be a criminal offence! I can't believe my ex would say this to her bf!so I told her it can't happen again or I will go to the police.i told her that I don't want him around our kids. either move out with the bf and give me custody of the kids or kick him out of the house! just waiting for the backlash and threats now! told her I will be contacting the social services tomorrow if she hasn't taken a decision to sort this situation out! gulp!
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Old 9th March 2014, 08:49 PM   #12
chosen
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Re: ex-wife's BF smacking my kids! So upset and angry

cabbage I really dont think that smacking a child is a criminal offence, especially if the person is in the position of being a 'parent' figure, and has a parents permission. However its not something that I would want happening to my child, by an ex spouses partner.
The issue that concerns me is that he has been violent in the past, but was he actually convicted for that? Did he got to jail? I think you have done the right thing to stand firm on this, and I hope that she will act. She may well just tell him not to hit the child again.
The hard thing is, that this will be an on going issue for you both, if one or both of you has new partners, who may well have their own children, and you deal with discipline of all the children in a fair way.
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Old 9th March 2014, 08:56 PM   #13
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Re: ex-wife's BF smacking my kids! So upset and angry

I think you did the right thing.

I wonder if your ex did tell her bf that slapping a hand was OK. Maybe he has a hold on her and she is trying to defend him.

I'm praying for you and your children.
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Old 10th March 2014, 11:56 AM   #14
ronnoco
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Re: ex-wife's BF smacking my kids! So upset and angry

I think John is absolutely right. This guy isn't a nice man, I bet she is just defending him because she is scared and manipulated by him.

I spoke to my sister who works for Children's Services. She said if he has a history of violence, i.e. criminal prosecutions and there is evidence that he has been hitting the children, i.e. they confirm this and particularly if there are marks and bruising, Social Services would put a lot of pressure on the mum to not have this man around the children.

The children could be taken away and re-accommodated (ideally with you) if they genuinely saw him as a threat. They take it very seriously. Especially if they can see visible bruising.

I think you have done the right think Cabbage. Stand your ground now, see your Solicitor and go for custody.
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Old 10th March 2014, 12:02 PM   #15
chosen
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Re: ex-wife's BF smacking my kids! So upset and angry

We dont actually know if he has been convicted of anything yet.
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