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Old 11th April 2014, 08:25 AM   #16
Raymond
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Re: wife's past is haunting me

I don't think there is a problem with a man marrying so early as 1okgal says. It is not necessarily about being able to cook and do housework it is much deeper than that. I think men are different from women in that respect.

As to marrying a woman who has slept around for so long it would all depend on her present attitude. Has she changed her liberal view on life? Did you not know about this when you married her Melevy? If you did and still married her then you accepted it and it is a bit late to bring it up now when nothing can be done about it. If she hid this from you or deceived you then that may be something else. I don't think it is profitable to pine about something that can't be changed or mourn about something that you can't now have. I think you have to move on in the reality you are in. There will be problems but these can be overcome with the right attitude.

I think you are correct. Sex is something very precious and should only be shared in marriage, but that is not the reality of your present situation.
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Old 11th April 2014, 09:11 AM   #17
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Re: wife's past is haunting me

Hi Melevy,

I really think you should follow 1okgal's post. For me, it says it all.

Sex is different for everyone. For some people it is an expression of deep rooted love. For some it's just a physical act to provide satisfaction. For some it's both.

The fact is, you have been happily married for 13 years. She hasn't cheated on you. She has been true to you for all that time which itself is a testament to you. If she had only ever slept with 1 other person before you, she may have always been wondering what it was like to sleep with other men (a bit like the original poster) What would you rather have?

The past is the past. Analysing it could destroy what you have now and you run the risk of getting to the point where you become obsessive over it. It can lead to a form of mental illness and take over your life. It's not fair on you and it's not fair on your wife because she can't change the past. Forgot about the past, concentrate on the future. If your wife was diagnosed with a serious illness today, you would seriously regret wasting so much of your precious time thinking about this stuff - it would all be out of the window in a flash - trust me, it would.

We all don't realise how lucky we are. I drove down the road yesterday and they had the Police "fatal accident here" signs. Terrible things are happening every day. Be grateful for being happily married. You can't change the past but you can shape your future. Put this to rest and be grateful for having a lovely wife to share life with. It's not so good being alone!

All the best.
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Old 11th April 2014, 11:21 AM   #18
chosen
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Re: wife's past is haunting me

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Originally Posted by 1aokgal View Post
According to statistics on remarriage after death of a spouse, It is not uncommon that men marry sooner than women. When the marriage was a good one, a man hopes to replicate that good marriage with a spouse. It is no reflection on the first spouse that a man can feel incomplete without his partner. Some men are dependent on the wife as a homemaker, they lack skills to live alone.

The trouble here is, why it is alright for a man to have a sexual past, but women are so harshly judged for their sexual decisions? She had a past. She related too much history, to my way of thinking. You did not need to hear so much about her ex-boyfriends or lovers, when she was single. That is stupid to relate such personal information. That is, after all, the past. She loves YOU. She chose to join her life with you. This woman is NOT a belonging that has scratches and dents! She is a human being who lived single for years. Her sexuality belongs to her. Did you think you deserve NEW? Why do people choose to complicate life when it is so simple?

Someone cares for you. In this whole selfish, uncaring world, a woman has bound her life with yours for the past 13 years. What do you need to hear to prove she is a decent woman and is indeed your wife "until death do you part?" You are NOT young! There is no DO OVER. The vows have been taken. Forget the past. Live in the present and be happy. What if there was no future and you had a terrible illness? Life is so short! You have had a 13 year test drive with this wife. Isn't this a good marriage? It is not a good marriage if this PETTY issue puts you in such a spin (13 years later) to question whether she is fit to be your wife!

You are blessed to have found each other, and to be loved. You can make something very good of your life together. Don't think about the past. Don't bring up the past in conversation. Be fair and loving and cherish this woman who cares for you.
If you can't do that, go get a therapist before you blow yourself out of a marriage which you will regret.

We are not here to judge this woman as, "she had very low morals!" We do NOT know about her life or what decisions she made or why.
Many woman equate having sex, with being loved. Women use sex to get love. Men and women are wired differently and it is true that there are times, as the 60's, when there was a new sexual freedom for women. Many women made decisions they later came to regret. No one should relieve their conscience by making confessions about their sexuality to a husband or lover. That is private and should remain in the past. It sounds to me as if this wife was urged to "tell it all" and now "that truth" is the whip to beat her with. I say "grow up."
It wasn't a judgement it was an observation.
I am also a great believer in compete honesty and openness in marriage. There should be no secrets, past or present.

Last edited by chosen; 11th April 2014 at 03:28 PM.
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Old 11th April 2014, 11:27 AM   #19
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Re: wife's past is haunting me

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Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
I don't think there is a problem with a man marrying so early as 1okgal says. It is not necessarily about being able to cook and do housework it is much deeper than that. I think men are different from women in that respect.

As to marrying a woman who has slept around for so long it would all depend on her present attitude. Has she changed her liberal view on life? Did you not know about this when you married her Melevy? If you did and still married her then you accepted it and it is a bit late to bring it up now when nothing can be done about it. If she hid this from you or deceived you then that may be something else. I don't think it is profitable to pine about something that can't be changed or mourn about something that you can't now have. I think you have to move on in the reality you are in. There will be problems but these can be overcome with the right attitude.

I think you are correct. Sex is something very precious and should only be shared in marriage, but that is not the reality of your present situation.
Its is said that it takes 3-5 years to recover from the death of a spouse. I know men who have married again while still grieving for their first wife, who they are still in love with. Yes I understand that many men hate being alone, but that isnt a good reason to jump immediately into a new relationship and marriage. Surely its a time of grieving and of coming to terms with the loss of your spouse, of healing, and of learning to actually look after yourself.
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Old 11th April 2014, 01:18 PM   #20
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Re: wife's past is haunting me

I don't think one can make judgments about what the grieving time ought to be. Everybody is different. I know a pastor whose wife died recently but who was re-married within six months to everyone's amazement. Knowing personally the man and knowing what a good pastor he is I have no qualms about it. It is between him and God.
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Old 11th April 2014, 03:34 PM   #21
chosen
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Re: wife's past is haunting me

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I don't think one can make judgments about what the grieving time ought to be. Everybody is different. I know a pastor whose wife died recently but who was re-married within six months to everyone's amazement. Knowing personally the man and knowing what a good pastor he is I have no qualms about it. It is between him and God.
Wow I have never heard of anyone marrying in 6 months, even those who were already seeing the other women before their wife finally died(and I know 2 who were doing that as well). At least they had the decency and respect for their former wives and her family and the children to wait over a year. All I know is that you cant possibly recover from such a trauma as the death of your partner in a few weeks, unless the marriage wasnt good anyway. I think its a bit like after losing your spouse through divorce, when people do jump into new relationships far too soon to avoid having to live alone, and that can also be a disaster.
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Old 11th April 2014, 05:59 PM   #22
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Re: wife's past is haunting me

I didn't count the time but it was pretty quick. Could have been eight months or something. I was amazed at the speed. Yes he did have a very good marriage. His children are mostly in leadership throughout our churches.

I don't know the ins and outs of it but they look right together as he looked right with his previous wife. One cannot work everything out.
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Old 11th April 2014, 09:28 PM   #23
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Re: wife's past is haunting me

There is NO time clock on the heart and social etiquette today. We find love when we are ready to move on from grief over a death or finality, after a divorce. If that first marriage had prolonged illness with years spent dealing with the Cancer or malingering illness, that husband was ready to move on and find companionship and love.

We don't have the custom of Suttee, as in India, to throw ourselves on the funeral pyre when we lose a mate. There is no disrespect to a dead person about how long we live alone before we find that unbearable. It is not that easy to meet post 50, as any out in the dating world can tell you. This lady has been his wife for 13 years! It seems pretty disrespectful to HER to have conjecture about her sexual past for incidents that cannot be changed. We have the numbers game in melevys' body count estimate for the 20 years she was single. I sure kissed a pile of frogs at the evening end, but didn't crawl in the nest with them! This body count or degree of her sexuality comes from his overwrought imagination. Nobody should spell out complete sexual exposure or body count stories to a lover or spouse. BIG mistake. That person has a right to know about health issues.

I say this supposed body count is a silly fantasy. In any case, who and when, how or how many, should have been an issue she kept to herself. It sounds like she has come to regret her "tell all " confessions to a man who has ego needs damaged, because she had a life before him! Did she count his years of marriage/number of sexual acts he had with his first wife or ex-girlfriends? Lets'make life more complicated by bringing up dead issues from 13 years before! How much upset has this past issue caused in this marriage, while he grills her about her past, I ask. So many singles out there who would give anything to find a partner.

I think this couple were blessed to find each other. I was divorced six months, and was pretty cynical, and not keen to marry again. I met a man at a military officers club dance where I went with friends. We married 25 days later. We are together 35 years and he is my great love.
I hope Melevy gets some good counseling before he damages his marriage beyond repair! I think he owes his wife an apology for raising these silly questions today. Can't you just be happy?

Last edited by 1aokgal; 12th April 2014 at 12:51 AM.
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Old 12th April 2014, 12:35 AM   #24
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Re: wife's past is haunting me

Perhaps this is indelicate, how men view virginity. Sel62, with the very nice wife of 16 years, chooses to question his wife about her virginity (or lack thereof), as he can't get over that his wife since she told him he was not the first for her. Maybe he thinks that moments with her would be full of great memories and a beautiful experience. It seems it is now more about control and jealousy for him that there was someone else all those years ago. This seems such a lot of upset for a past moment in time. Two children and 16 years, and this is his wifes' reward for being a good wife? Why is that old history an issue?

From a woman...that "virginity moment" is vastly over rated. That first sexual act was horrible, uncomfortable, painful and full of a lot of mixed emotions that only time could sort out. It didn't matter that act took months to reach a point of acceptance and a with a patient lover. It was quite awful and not something worth to recall. It took some time and understanding to learn what brings pleasure to ones' own body and to know how to please a partner, especially if one had no prior information about the subject. My first was my, to be, husband, but it was a moment to get past, not to enjoy.

I think men and women view this first sex act completely different. That possession may be prized too highly. Modesty and self respect is still there regardless. How do other women see this subject?

Last edited by 1aokgal; 12th April 2014 at 12:49 AM.
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Old 12th April 2014, 03:17 AM   #25
chosen
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Re: wife's past is haunting me

Quote:
Originally Posted by 1aokgal View Post
There is NO time clock on the heart and social etiquette today. We find love when we are ready to move on from grief over a death or finality, after a divorce. If that first marriage had prolonged illness with years spent dealing with the Cancer or malingering illness, that husband was ready to move on and find companionship and love.

We don't have the custom of Suttee, as in India, to throw ourselves on the funeral pyre when we lose a mate. There is no disrespect to a dead person about how long we live alone before we find that unbearable. It is not that easy to meet post 50, as any out in the dating world can tell you. This lady has been his wife for 13 years! It seems pretty disrespectful to HER to have conjecture about her sexual past for incidents that cannot be changed. We have the numbers game in melevys' body count estimate for the 20 years she was single. I sure kissed a pile of frogs at the evening end, but didn't crawl in the nest with them! This body count or degree of her sexuality comes from his overwrought imagination. Nobody should spell out complete sexual exposure or body count stories to a lover or spouse. BIG mistake. That person has a right to know about health issues.

I say this supposed body count is a silly fantasy. In any case, who and when, how or how many, should have been an issue she kept to herself. It sounds like she has come to regret her "tell all " confessions to a man who has ego needs damaged, because she had a life before him! Did she count his years of marriage/number of sexual acts he had with his first wife or ex-girlfriends? Lets'make life more complicated by bringing up dead issues from 13 years before! How much upset has this past issue caused in this marriage, while he grills her about her past, I ask. So many singles out there who would give anything to find a partner.

I think this couple were blessed to find each other. I was divorced six months, and was pretty cynical, and not keen to marry again. I met a man at a military officers club dance where I went with friends. We married 25 days later. We are together 35 years and he is my great love.
I hope Melevy gets some good counseling before he damages his marriage beyond repair! I think he owes his wife an apology for raising these silly questions today. Can't you just be happy?
However, men do marry again before they have grieved for their previous spouse who has died, and while they are still in love with them. I know a man who has now been married again for nearly 3 years who still cant seem to really get over loosing his first wife. He met his new wife a mere 4 months after his wife died. He was no where near ready for a new woman in his life. His new wife had lost her husband 10 years before, so it was different for her. Its not fair for the new wife.
We will have to agree to disagree on this, because I would see it as very disrespectful to marry again within a year or even two, of my husbands death, especially for the first husbands family and the children. People cant seem to wait these days, and always want to jump into a new relationship/marriage far too soon.

I think it can be very different after a divorce, even though for me it was 3 or 4 years after my marriage ended till I could even contemplate another man in my life or my children's lives. My husbands marriage had never been very happy, and they had already had a one year separation before a short reconciliation when she met another man, so, for him, despite praying for a miracle, it was actually partly a relief for him when she ended the marriage. He didn't grieve too much or for too long, because there wasn't much left to grieve for. Of course not all marriages where one spouse died were happy ones either, and I am sure that makes a difference to the grieving times. I cant see me ever wanting another man if my DH died and I certainly wouldn't be looking to marry again. He would be a very hard man to beat
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Old 12th April 2014, 03:26 AM   #26
chosen
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Re: wife's past is haunting me

Quote:
Originally Posted by 1aokgal View Post
Perhaps this is indelicate, how men view virginity. Sel62, with the very nice wife of 16 years, chooses to question his wife about her virginity (or lack thereof), as he can't get over that his wife since she told him he was not the first for her. Maybe he thinks that moments with her would be full of great memories and a beautiful experience. It seems it is now more about control and jealousy for him that there was someone else all those years ago. This seems such a lot of upset for a past moment in time. Two children and 16 years, and this is his wifes' reward for being a good wife? Why is that old history an issue?

From a woman...that "virginity moment" is vastly over rated. That first sexual act was horrible, uncomfortable, painful and full of a lot of mixed emotions that only time could sort out. It didn't matter that act took months to reach a point of acceptance and a with a patient lover. It was quite awful and not something worth to recall. It took some time and understanding to learn what brings pleasure to ones' own body and to know how to please a partner, especially if one had no prior information about the subject. My first was my, to be, husband, but it was a moment to get past, not to enjoy.

I think men and women view this first sex act completely different. That possession may be prized too highly. Modesty and self respect is still there regardless. How do other women see this subject?
I can understand totally that many would struggle if their husband or wife has countless sexual partners before marriage. That's why I couldn't marry someone who had slept around. I am sure that's partly why God says to save sex for marriage alone. Its no good telling a man not to feel what he feels. If he is struggling he is struggling and needs help not condemnation.
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Old 12th April 2014, 06:52 AM   #27
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Re: wife's past is haunting me

The thing missing in these marriages seems to be understanding and forgiveness. If the partner did not live up to all expectations, we don't obsess on those fantasy desires. Whatever happened before in our partners life shaped them and made them the person we chose. We don't obsess about the past, not their past, nor our own past. We don't think about ex-lovers and wonder, "What if?" We put that past behind and live in the today.

The saddest words we often hear spoken in some of these marriages is," I don't think I love you anymore." That is pretty much the death of a marriage, because after love is gone, is nothing.
If there is still liking or respect left, one partner would never say to another, "I have ceased to love you!" I would think some inner pity might come into play there to say, one cannot wound another so harshly to say you have no feeling for your spouse left. It is impossible to work on a marriage where one says already, there is no hope for that.

If something happened to me I would want my husband to marry again soon, and not to be alone. I know that wouldn't happen with my husband though. I am such a strange duck, he could not replace me with three! I would not marry again, as my husband has such a hold on my heart, I don't see anyone could measure up. It wasn't that long my husband fought through Cancer. That fear of loss is real in me still. So today can never be replaced. We should work through problems and value what we hold in hand. Life is precious.
There is no "condemnation" in the intellectual, free discussions here on this forum.

As individuals, free expression should be acceptable here. Most who seek advice want different viewpoints on their situation. Humor and free discussion should be encouraged.
Christians, or not, we all can use input at times.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 12th April 2014 at 07:38 AM. Reason: spelling
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Old 12th April 2014, 08:50 AM   #28
Raymond
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Re: wife's past is haunting me

I think what can be mixed up in these things is the ideal and the reality. The ideal, in my mind anyhow, is that both a man and woman keep pure until they are married.

The reality is often different and it would be wrong to impose the ideal on someone where the reality had been something else. We are all damaged people, at least I am. I didn't come to marriage pure as my wife did. I can say that I kept pure as soon as I came into a relationship with Christ apart from the occasional mental slip when my mind strayed a bit too far. This state lasted for thirteen years. I have never told my wife my sexual history and she has never asked. I don't think it would help one bit if I did so I don't. I think that if we become new creatures in Christ then old things pass away and everything becomes new including old sexual history. I believe my past is forgiven and any wrong soul ties severed. I didn't know any better at the time.

I must say that for me married sex bears no relationship to the mish mash that happened before. The past pales in comparison to it.
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Old 12th April 2014, 04:30 PM   #29
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Re: wife's past is haunting me

Dear Raymond.

That is true about the ideal and reality. The pity of this confused world is young people are bombarded daily with a minefield of sexual images and reports. Our media examines in detail the scandals and secrets of those who would be our heroes, if not for irresponsible lifestyles.

The "Don't ask, don't tell" is how my husband and I dealt with past. He was a bachelor for years, and I was married before. I did not seek answers to questions that seemed obvious with that history. I'm glad he seemed too busy to bother with relationships and my past was unhappy and not worth relating. I'm glad I had rigid religious training in childhood, as it helped to have a barrier of modesty, where common sense was sometimes lacking.

Don't you feel sorry for young people today who must navigate through life with less expectations that marriage or relationships will be happy? There seems little fantasy
available for that "happy ever after" that we had as young people.
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Old 13th April 2014, 09:14 AM   #30
Raymond
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Re: wife's past is haunting me

I think once you overcome your sexual past and it has no bearing on the present then it is irrelevant to bring it up. I was not the same person when I married as I was before.

You are right there is less expectancy for a happy marriage these days and the media reflects that constantly. However I find the dream is very much alive in the schools we go into even though it is mixed with the cynicism imbibed from the soaps that they watch.
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