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21st April 2014, 03:51 PM
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#1
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Registered User
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 7
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Wife wants separation...
Greetings,
Just thought I'd punt this out there before the inevitable happens.
Been married for nearly 5 years, living together and have a 3yr old at the moment. Things took bit of a nosedive once we had our son, meaning things have gone stale in our marriage, there is no affection, contact or intimacy of any kind. Finally it all came to head and we started seeing relationship council. Turns out there is 2-3 years of resentment towards me built up - without communicating this... Mainly due to time taken up at weekends due to hobbies on my part..
Wife now wants to seperate, as she is irrecoverably unhappy and see's this as the only thing to do, have tried asking her what I can do to change things. but its all gone too far in her mind.
I'm upset with what will happen to my son - not having a permanent daddy figure etc. She has said that wants to remain amicable with everything and will never deny me seeing my son etc. etc.
We never really argue, or fight, she has said we just co-habit and are just friends.. Not married anymore as she says.
Have arranged to stay with my brother - on a trial separation. But decided not go as its just doesnt feel the right thing to do. She now wants to go down the mediation route to make this official, but didnt want to do it as we could make arrangements ourselfs.
Not sure what to do next really....
Peace
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21st April 2014, 05:32 PM
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#2
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
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Re: Wife wants separation...
Wow this is so sad. She wants a divorce just because you spent too much time at weekends on hobbies???And she never even told you how she felt????
This is madness. This is a pathetic reason to end a marriage if you don't mind me saying so, and you have to wonder if there is more to this that you know about? DO you think she is being completely honest?
I would definitely not leave, that would be a disaster for the marriage and your child, and fight for this marriage. Have long term counselling. Tell her that not long ago you both promised to stay together till death do you part for better and for worse, and hang on in there for the long haul. She must stop even thinking of divorce, you have a child now, and begin to strengthen what you have and see this through.
Marriage will have ups and downs, thats life, and in the main the married couple are best friends and companions. She has responsibilities now to her son, he needs his dad with him all the time. She cant just run away at the first little thing.
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21st April 2014, 06:39 PM
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#3
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Registered User
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 7
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Re: Wife wants separation...
Things have been a bit sour for ages now, Since the whole libido change, pnd possibilities, I just assumed that when things are the way they are, its the stress of bringing up a 3 yr old.
I get the issues of the past and the resentment thats manifested into something big, But in her eyes there's no way back. And its not what she wanted from a marriage etc. Have been to see MC, not much help, As it appears to me that her minds made up. I dont want to beg to force the issue or let my son grow up in a resentful atmosphere. She thinks we can just stay friends.
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21st April 2014, 06:51 PM
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#4
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
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Re: Wife wants separation...
She has allowed this to build up for so long and she should have communicated a lot sooner. Really this is a teething problem that has been allowed to build up out of all proportion. As Chosen says marriage is for the long haul and the problem you seem to have is her lack of communication. Does she expect you to read her mind? I think it would be a great shame if this marriage ended just for that. I would encourage you to fight by getting it across that you didn't have a chance to address the problem as it was not communicated to you. I really hope you two can bring it around and avoid a an avoidable tragedy.
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21st April 2014, 08:01 PM
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#5
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
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Re: Wife wants separation...
The worst thing you could do would be to leave your home and child. Its seems that you are giving in so easily, and how many marriage counselling sessions did you actually have?
This isnt a big issue, its something that most couples would work at and over come quiet easily. She has no reason to end this marriage, and its sounds like you are allowing her to throw you out, be separated from your son(which will deeply damage him), and end the marriage without standing strong and not giving in to her.
Her expectations of marriage are probably far too romanticised and unrealistic. What did she think it would be like?
There are many things such as marriage courses and marriage help weekends etc that you can go to together. Many of them are very good. You dont have to agree to a divorce or to leave you own home, and especially you don't have to leave your own child who needs you.
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21st April 2014, 08:11 PM
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#6
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Registered User
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 7
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Re: Wife wants separation...
Another talk, Would appear that the plan is to trial a seperation to reassess feelings etc, i have asked her what would actually make her happy. She reckons she can think of nothing that would make her happy in the marriage anymore. (Nice)
And that a trial is the best thing. I also asked if there was 'someone else'. That convincingly dismissed, I do trust her, she's not that type. On a side note things havent been right for ages Both her's and my parents both had a loveless marriage . Mine are still together but hate each other (and that did affect me as a kid). Her mum is on her own . (Threw the dad out). So i can see he point. I think the thing in my own mind/heart is that i'm struggling to remain positive or enthusiastic about fighting for this...
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22nd April 2014, 01:27 PM
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#7
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
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Re: Wife wants separation...
I think it is worth fighting while you can, even if it is difficult.
I would find a way to highlight the lack of communication that has brought the marriage to this point, especially the fact that had you known that she felt deserted you would have adjusted your activities. Perhaps you can try to give her that attention now if you get opportunities and slowly change things?
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22nd April 2014, 02:06 PM
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#8
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 391
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Re: Wife wants separation...
Meatthecleaver,
I know how you feel when you say you can see in her eyes that she has given up - this is exactly how my wife was. Absolutely noting I said made a bit of difference, it was too late and there was nothing I could do. I hoped she might be having some sort of crisis but in my case, it turned out that there was another man in the picture.
As sad as it is, a bird can't fly on a broken wing and everyone has free will - you can't force her to see reason - it just seems such a shame. I think many people are disillusioned about marriage and what it will bring. I also think lack of communication is one of the biggest problems in relationships - I have learnt from this myself.
I hope you can stay together but if you can't, you can still be a fantastic dad to your child. I have mine almost 50% and have a wonderful relationship with them. Honestly, I really do. Things haven't turned out how I would have wanted be we are so close and they love spending time with me. They are my no1 priority and always will be.
If there is nobody else, maybe life will teach her. There's always hope and I wish you the very best.
Last edited by ronnoco; 22nd April 2014 at 02:21 PM.
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22nd April 2014, 08:00 PM
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#9
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
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Re: Wife wants separation...
A separation would be the worst thing because that will almost certainly lead to the end of the marriage. You moving out is giving in. Why not suggest that she moves out and you stay without your child? Its she who wants this so why do you need to move out? The thing is that if she is going to end a marriage every time she meets something that is a bit hard, she will end up with multiple marriage failures and a very confused and messed up child.
Why not suggest that you stay together and have regular counselling for a year, and think again after that? Ask that she puts everything into that year and doesn't mention divorce or separation at all.
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24th April 2014, 09:17 AM
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#10
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 228
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Re: Wife wants separation...
Hi there. I just read your post and how many of us have been where you are. It takes a leap of faith to do it but give her exactly what she asks for. In a nice understanding way. Stay strong , make it clear every chance you get to let her know you want to save your marriage but don't give way to anger or frustration. Most of all don't give up. It's far to soon for that. She fears a loveless marriage and a loveless future maybe. Best way to show your love now may be to understand, listen, be gentle. Worked for me to some extent. Got my wife rethinking about things.
It is hard. But constant pressure at this stage will get you nowhere I feel. Good luck
__________________
Barry
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25th April 2014, 09:17 PM
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#11
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Registered User
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 7
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Re: Wife wants separation...
Chosen, Ronnoco, and toellandback
Had another talk the other day, again it seems that she is waiting for me to instigate things. Have mentioned that I dont think its fair that I move out, as its not fair on my son or myself being punished because she is unhappy.
Again, toellandback thanks for your words, its kind of where I am heading.. Spole with parents who said I should not move out unless I have full legal backing etc. Just dont want to get to that stage just yet. She is adamant we can sort this ourselves without getting legal proceedings just yet.
When I mentioned about her moving out, or we share the "out of home" time. She just said"I've said all I want to say"... then nothing. I firmly believe she has made her mind up, but wants me to be the scape goat and make the decision for her.. I'm kind of leaning towards what "toellandback" said, and giving her what she wants. and doing in an amicable way (which is what she said she wanted).
Have plans to move in with my brother temporarily, to give her space. Just dont know what the legal implications are with me doing this........... Have spoken about mediation - but again the costs involved with doing this make it less attractive!.. My Bro reckons I should think about myself, do I really want to be with a person who has no interest being with me, also everyone who says to fight for it etc etc. is it really worth fighting for something that the other person doesnt want?! I'm feeling I have more respect for myself at the moment than that.
Will update further .. Thanks.
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25th April 2014, 09:37 PM
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#12
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
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Re: Wife wants separation...
I think you are making a massive mistake by moving out. Nothing will improve by you being apart, and it will hurt your child. She can have what she wants by moving out herself if that is what she must do. Far too often I see husbands and fathers giving in to their wives who want out of the marriage. Legally you need to stay there. Get some good legal advise and listen to your parents. Be a full time dad and leave the ball in her court. Tell her you aren't leaving your home or your son, and let her make the next move.
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25th April 2014, 09:51 PM
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#13
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Registered User
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 7
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Re: Wife wants separation...
Kind of what I'm doing at the moment, just rolling with it, and leaving it to her. See what she does next, she know exactly how I feel. so will see.
But I must say, My son is my No.1 priority over staying with the wife, is that wrong?!
I dont really want to end up staying with someone who doesnt want to be with me. is that wrong!?
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25th April 2014, 10:41 PM
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#14
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 391
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Re: Wife wants separation...
When my wife told me she wanted to leave me and gave me "the speech" I moved out the very same day.
I tried my absolute best to try to get her to give it a go but I could see it was a lost cause and personally, I didn't want to stay living with someone who has just told me they don't love me the way they should, that they had felt this way for a long time, that they didn't want to be with me and there was absolutely nothing I could do to change her mind.
Staying would be a terrible environment for me, her and our 3 children and it's just not the sort of person I am. I know I couldn't have handled living with her and 3 children in a 3 bed house. Why would I want to stay with someone who doesn't want me? I deserve to have someone who loves me the way I love her. I would have done anything for her.
I know a chap at work who stayed living with his wife for 3 months while they tried to sort out the situation and he said it was pure hell. He use to have to remind her to not text her fancy man whilst they were sitting in the same room together. Seriously, pride alone wouldn't allow me to endure this diabolic liberty.
I had hoped that my wife was having some sort of mlc and that me moving out would make her see sense but for my situation, it wasn't the case as there was another man in the picture.
I will say that though that the day I moved out was utterly terrible. My daughter was in tears, it was the single worst moment of my life. However, kids are like rubber and they adapt very easily. I had mine for 40% of the week from the day I moved out until the present day.
I don't know your set-up but I brought my wife out of her share of the equity on our house. She wanted to move out asap and I didn't want to loose the family home. I lived with my parents for 7 weeks whilst we sorted all the legal stuff out then moved back home. I have a fantastic set-up now. I'm not saying this is what I would have wanted but there is a solution to every problem.
Everyone is different. Every situation is different but deep down in your heart, you will probably already know what you want to do. Do what YOU think is best.
Hang in there buddy. Tough times don't last, tough people do!
Last edited by ronnoco; 25th April 2014 at 10:53 PM.
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25th April 2014, 10:45 PM
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#15
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Registered User
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 7
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Re: Wife wants separation...
Thanks for the words, Does somewhat cement whats going through my head. Nice to have some incitefull replies especially on a forum. Thanks chaps..
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