Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  

Go Back   2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums > Advice > Marriage Help

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 12th March 2014, 09:45 PM   #31
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: ex-wife's BF smacking my kids! So upset and angry

I think she is giving you the run-around. You need to be more firm and say that if he stays, you will take it further, and give her till Friday to decide. Until you give her an ultimatum she will carry on messing you about. If he is still there then, then you may need to move back in and contact SS.
Whose name is the house in?
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th March 2014, 06:13 PM   #32
cabbage
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 29
Re: ex-wife's BF smacking my kids! So upset and angry

hi all, the house is in both our names.

I spoke to both my ex and the bf last night. I have asked for full disclosure of his past convictions. He gave them to me!

They run from late 1990's up to 2009 and do not involve any children or minors. They are mostly against his step father and male friends. They include;
Theft, common assault, deception, burglary and criminal damage, fraud, affray, theft of vehicle, assault ABH, drunk in charge of vehicle, disqual driving, dangerous driving and deception. In all he has received a lot of fines, on tag, DTO, ban's, 3 years in prison, community service and probation!

Just totally shocked me!
cabbage is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th March 2014, 07:27 PM   #33
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: ex-wife's BF smacking my kids! So upset and angry

I don't know why your wife stays with him, even from just reading about him in the last thread. Does she need rescuing herself as well as the children?

It might be worth speaking to her alone about his suitability to be around your children in the future. If you can swing that and work out something it would save a lot of legal wrangles. I am amazed that he gave you that list.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th March 2014, 08:24 PM   #34
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: ex-wife's BF smacking my kids! So upset and angry

Quote:
Originally Posted by cabbage View Post
hi all, the house is in both our names.

I spoke to both my ex and the bf last night. I have asked for full disclosure of his past convictions. He gave them to me!

They run from late 1990's up to 2009 and do not involve any children or minors. They are mostly against his step father and male friends. They include;
Theft, common assault, deception, burglary and criminal damage, fraud, affray, theft of vehicle, assault ABH, drunk in charge of vehicle, disqual driving, dangerous driving and deception. In all he has received a lot of fines, on tag, DTO, ban's, 3 years in prison, community service and probation!

Just totally shocked me!
Wow.
Not good. Did you ask them what they were going to do in light of what you said?

Last edited by chosen; 13th March 2014 at 10:40 PM.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th March 2014, 12:01 PM   #35
ronnoco
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 391
Re: ex-wife's BF smacking my kids! So upset and angry

I would imagine it will be extremely hard to convince your wife to leave her bf. After all, she has been with him for best part of 6 months now. She wants to be with him.

We can all see that he is really nothing but trouble, but for some reason, your wife has lost her way and she wants to be with him. She is clearly very troubled but unfortunately, she probably doesn't realise this herself.

Sometimes, people aren't happy and just don't know what they want. They don't even sometimes understand why they are not happy. They think that someone else will bring them back to life, make them happy and give them what they are looking for. It probably will for a while, but it wont last because the don't really know what they are looking for in life.

If I was take a guess, I would suspect your wife has been through some real trauma in her past and in it's all connected with her behavior. Of course, we can only judge people on their choices and actions, and hers are terrible in both cases.

I think for now, you have to choice whether to contact the authorities for advice or not. Is your wife interested in you having primary custody? i.e. you are their primary carer and she has them at weekends or like you do, 3 nights a week, etc

This would be ideal. Perhaps you could try and sell it to her in a way? It would be ideal if you were that primary carer because that would give you a lot of leverage and control of the children. If the kids came home and said they had been smacked, you could just deny her access. This happens a lot, especially to dads like yourself. Some dads who do nothing wrong don't see their kids for months because the mum (the primary carer) just says "no"

It's a very difficult and quite complicated situation. Well done for staying level headed and going about thins the right way.
ronnoco is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th March 2014, 02:05 PM   #36
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: ex-wife's BF smacking my kids! So upset and angry

I still think it is worth a try at this stage Cabbage before all the legal stuff starts. You say she loves the children and you could appeal to that side of her. Once swords are drawn on both sides it will be too late. You have nothing to lose in trying. Only you will know if this is worth it or not.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th April 2014, 01:38 PM   #37
cabbage
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 29
Re: ex-wife's BF smacking my kids! So upset and angry

Hi all, and once again thank you for your comments.

I would like to update you all with the current situation, so in a nut shell;

A few weeks after he disclosed all his crimes to me I got a phone call very early from my ex saying that she was scared and could I come round to the house asap. The kids where there so i went round. I went into the house and they were both arguing in front of the kids. She told me that she has asked him to leave as she had found out that he had been steeling money from her and taking money out from an old credit card of hers. Basically he had been committing fraud!

My prime concern was to take the kids out asap and let them get on with it. She took the house key from him and kicked him out then I got the kids out into my car.

That day I went round the schools to have him removed from picking my children up and warned the schools that if seen they should ring 999. The silly cow of an ex had given him permission to pick my kids up!!!

A few days later she reported it all to the police who as far as I am aware are still looking into the fraud. I help her gather all of the evidence against him.

He had applied for about 30 loans in her name, of which he had the money from 2 of them!
He had been arranging to sell her car and had the spare key!

When the police eventually went after him we then found out he had been using a false name. My ex and I didn't even know his real name. He was banned for driving and has no driving license! His car wasn't his and had no tax or insurance. He doesn't even have any children, the child he was on about was not even his. His DOB was also incorrect. So basically everything we thought we knew about him was false.

This all happened about a month ago and I thought that my ex had finally got rid of him for good, until I have recently found out that she is back in touch with him!!!!!

Ever since we found all of this out she hasn't stopped texting him and ringing him. I have seen her mobile phone bill!. Sometimes 50-100 texts a day and phone calls for hours. My ex doesn't know I know this!

Then out of the blue only a few days ago my ex said that he had been in touch and that I was to expected some texts of him. So about 10 minutes after some texts came through from him. Threatening me, telling me to stay away. The texts said that he had been back to our house and having sex with her again, staying over etc.! I have never replied to any of these messages from him.

So now I don't know who to believe?? She is denying it all but I don't believe her.

Then he text again saying that my ex got beaten up in a nightclub a few weeks ago and had marks all over her body! When I asked her about this she said she got caught up in a fight and the bouncer accidentally knocked into her!! Something fishy is going on and I honestly believe it was him or one of his mates who has beat her up!

So, basically I have had enough. He has admitted to her that he has caused criminal damage to my car.

This week I am seeing my solicitor and I am going for fully custody of the children as their primary carer. I honestly don't think the children are safe with her and I can't let them go through all of this again.

I may ask her to just hand them over to me to save going through all of the courts.

If she doesn't I will stage a multipronged case and contact my solicitor to get the ball rolling with custody. I will go for an injunction against him from coming anywhere near me, my house or my kids. I will contact social services, the police (as she may be in on the fraud and for all I know colluding with him and to report the criminal damage and threats), and her family as I am sure non of them will know exactly what is going on! That should be enough pressure on her to hand me the kids and the house!

Either way I think I have an good case!

So, what should I be asking my solicitor this week?

What are your thoughts?
cabbage is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th April 2014, 01:42 PM   #38
cabbage
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 29
Re: ex-wife's BF smacking my kids! So upset and angry

Also forgot to say that he has not been arrested yet for any of this! and is till getting away with it as he been committing fraud on some of my ex's friends, just days ago!!!!
cabbage is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th April 2014, 03:54 PM   #39
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: ex-wife's BF smacking my kids! So upset and angry

You wife is completely mad quite honestly. She will be left responsible for all those loans take on out in her name, apart from the fact that he has lied about absolutely everything and she doesn't even know who he is. How can she not see how evil he is?
You need to do all that you have said and tell the solicitor all that you have here. Those kids aren't safe there any more unless she stops all contact with him. Do all you can to get those children full time. She is acting appallingly. As long as she is with him she needs to be kept away from the children.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th April 2014, 08:31 PM   #40
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: ex-wife's BF smacking my kids! So upset and angry

You have a very good case Cabbage and the children's safety is paramount now. I hope you have a solicitor who specialises in that area and will know the ropes. They do tend to specialise in different areas so you need one with experience in custody. I was rescued myself when I was five from my mother and put into another orphanage. She had visited us but never took us back to the convent so the police had to search for us for about three months. The police did the right thing in that situation as we were descending into squalor and neglect. You need to keep going at it until you get somewhere. Those children need rescuing.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th June 2014, 06:34 PM   #41
cabbage
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 29
Re: ex-wife's BF smacking my kids! So upset and angry

hi all, things have moved on!

I have applied for a child arrangement order and I have contacted all the authorities. We have had the first hearing and the judge has made my ex sign an undertaking to have no more contact with this ex bf. She faces 2 years in prison if she breaches this undertaking. The judge also deiced its ok for the kids to remain with her. CAFCAS have done a report and have submitted it to the court.

Its likely that i will be withdrawing the order as I am running out of money and I don't see any point in going to the next hearing as the decision has already been made. It's cost me almost £2k to get to this point in court and legal fees but I feel SO MUCH BETTER, knowing that my kids are out of this potential danger from the crazed ex bf and the slightly irresponsible mother!
cabbage is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th June 2014, 09:15 AM   #42
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: ex-wife's BF smacking my kids! So upset and angry

Glad you are feeling better cabbage because he is out of the way. How does it stand for your access now? Did they sort that?
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th June 2014, 08:57 PM   #43
cabbage
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 29
Re: ex-wife's BF smacking my kids! So upset and angry

hi, access is fine and is as it used to be. the courts had no involvement. Got the CAFCASS report back today and they don't have any concerns. Looks like i will be dropping the case. I am much happier and I just hope she has learnt from all of this?

The help and advice on here has been very important to me.

Thank you all
cabbage is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th June 2014, 09:29 PM   #44
ronnoco
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 391
Re: ex-wife's BF smacking my kids! So upset and angry

Well done Cabbage - you have done great! Seriously, you should be proud of yourself.

People do things sometimes that we just don't understand and can't explain.

All the matters now is you doing everything you can to give your children as much stability as possible.

It will take a long time but you will heal and probably become a stronger person from all of this.

You did it the right way and got the right result :-)
ronnoco is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th July 2014, 01:09 PM   #45
cabbage
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 29
Re: ex-wife's BF smacking my kids! So upset and angry

hi all, just wanted to update you all with what's been going on:

her ex bf is in jail for all the fraud and driving whilst banned, not sure for how long but its something!

the child arrangement order has been withdrawn. i done it in person in front of the judge and the CAFCASS rep as adivsed by my solictior. the undertaking still stands. she has a new bf now!!

the kids are doing really well and I have 2 holidays planned with them in the summer! can't wait. access is fine, i see them and have them for sleepovers twice every week and every other weekend.

Me and the ex have been to mediation over the finances. we have had the final meeting and we have come to an agreement!!; i'm still not sure how i feel about it, all a bit of a shock really;

my pension cash value is 82k, the equity in the home is 50k, marrital debts in my name 30k, in her name 20k. we have basically gone 50/50 on everything and we have agreed that I will sign the house over to her and in turn in the she will have no right of claim to any of my pension or spousal maintenance (all to be put in a consent order). i will not be resposible for any of the mortgage. we are keeping the marrital debts as they are. she is keeping all of the house contents. (worth about 8k). we have had full financial disclosure. i was suprised as her total outgoings for all bills came to 1550k per month and her income (including her salary, and child maintenance) is 1920k per month!

what are your thoughts? i just feel as if its a big thing for me to just sign it over but Im trying to think of the benefits in the long term!

i do feel that she is still unstable and stupid with money. i feel as if its a big reposnsbiltiy for her to own the house out right and i just hope and pray that she keeps the house and finishes the short mortgage that is left. at the end of the day its an asset for the kids.

me, on the other hand; i'm still living at my friends house. i have no assets, 30k of debt to contend with, no chance of getting a mortgage for at least 5 years! but i'm trying to look at the long term deal here. iv'e still got the kids an that's all that has ever mattered to me, but i know i will get back on my feet!

thanks
cabbage is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 09:37 PM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright ©1999-2024 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer