Is it time to end this marriage?

[dipy123]

My husband and i have been married nearly 10 years - he is 18 years older than me, constantly drinks and everyday upsets me in one way or another.
For the first 5 years of our marriage everything was great both sexually and romantically although he has never been champagne and roses person. After about 5 years we had to move to spain to look after my father-in-law as his health was deterioating quickly and we soon lost him. We somehow got into swingers parties and because of our age difference i was/am the more adventerous of us both and found many 'mates' whereas he just drank and watched - i always asked his permission for me to participate in these arrangements as i expected him to find a lady to enjoy. I managed to get him to return to the uk as our sex life was going down quickly and the arguments were more and more progressive. Getting back here things have been great for him as he is retired he goes out whenever he wants to socialise generally to the pub where he drinks far too much. Whilst across in spain whenever i came back to see relatives i also saw a guy i met on the net and had wonderful sexual encounters ironically we now live in the same area as my 'lover' who i am sorry to say has refused any contact with me now or even any emails. I feel so alone - noone to love me noone to care. When i go to bed at night he says he will be with me shortly - hours later i return to the lounge to find him sleeping or still watching TV with a beer in hand. I am his 3rd wife and he is my 2nd husband - he has hit me before now but in a drunken stupor i have hit him but generally i am a very gentle emotional person who wouldn't hurt a flea. Now we're thinking of returning to spain within a year of being here is this a good idea? His sexual libido has completely gone and i am left with girly toys - should i bring this relationship to an end and start again - i have health problems with sleep epilepsy but controlled unless i am really stressed. If anyone can advise me i would really appreciate it. Thank you for taking the time in reading this

[chosen]

dipy
are you really surprised that things have gone badly wrong? Getting involved in swingers parties and committing adultery will deeply and badly affect any marriage. What you did was so wrong and will have deeply affected and damaged the love and intimacy you had together. Faithfulness and trust is vital for any marriage and yours has been shattered by your cheating.
You choose to marry a much older man, so you have to accept that he wont have the energy and stamina that you do.
Some good marriage counselling may help a lot, I am sure that neither of you wants yet another marriage break up, but I cant see that moving back to the place where you were involved in all of the immoral sex will help at all. You probably need to settle and not keep on and on moving around.

[Raymond]

I agree. Sexual faithfulness is fundemental to a happy marriage. You say he agreed to this. I say he is plain stupid to do that. I don't think things can go anywhere until this is sorted out first.

Sex outside a marriage is poison to any real meaningful relationship.

You have been together for a long time. Your marriage can be saved. But to save it you both need to put the past behind you and work in healing your hurts. Don't try and revive what you had. Look forward to a renewed relationship.

Start fresh. Without sex. That is an area where your relationship needs healing. Go to a good caring marriage councellor. Preferably a Christian one. Work on becoming friends.

Marriage is about bonding and communicating between two people. Communication is not only talking, but hugging, caressing, doing small things that show we care for our partner.

Sex is not central in a marriage. Intimacy is. The focus of sex should be sharing the experience of intimacy with your partner, not the actual sex act. Sex is extremely deep and is an important part of bonding with our partner. That is why sex with someone else is so devastatingly damaging.

Your husband's libido might be down because of the damage to his soul and sexual psyche from your swinging, and not his age. He might have agreed on the surface, but deep down resented your swinging. Keeping contact with your lover could have further damaged your relationship.

There are many ways to keep an active intimacy even with a low libido, but the attention and focus is on sharing and one's partner and not oneself.

You wrote: "When i go to bed at night he says he will be with me shortly - hours later i return to the lounge to find him sleeping or still watching TV with a beer in hand." This sounds like avoidant behaviour. By looking to others you might have turned him off sex. Your swinging could have caused his low libido. A libido is not only due to physiological reasons, but also psychological.

There is hope for your marriage, if you find each other and heal from the damage and hurt your sexual activity has caused.

[Raymond]

I can't really add to that. John has hit the nail on the head in my view.

[chosen]

Originally Posted by Raymond

I can't really add to that. John has hit the nail on the head in my view.

yes I agree.

[dipy123]

thank you all for your replies - thing is i don't fancy my husband anymore we're not religious so counselling is out of the question. My husband actually tried to arouse me a couple of days ago whilst we were in bed and i didn't feel anything from him in fact i froze. perhaps moving from where we are in the uk to nearer my family up country, he has very little family left now. Again thank you all for your replies.

[ronnoco]

Hi Dipy123,

You don't need to be religious to have marriage counselling or guidance.

Relate offer a free 45 minute session to anyone. I would strongly recommend this. Even if you do it by yourself initially as it might help you understand what you want.

I wonder if you freezing up the other day was because deep down, you are thinking about being with your lover.

It does sound like you have kinda made your mind up already and if this is the case, of course going to be fighting a loosing battle.

All the best.

[chosen]

Originally Posted by dipy123

thank you all for your replies - thing is i don't fancy my husband anymore we're not religious so counselling is out of the question. My husband actually tried to arouse me a couple of days ago whilst we were in bed and i didn't feel anything from him in fact i froze. perhaps moving from where we are in the uk to nearer my family up country, he has very little family left now. Again thank you all for your replies.

The fact that you have cheated with many men will have deeply affected the way you see your husband, but that can be helped by you now being faithful and keeping the vows you made when you married him. You have no reason to divorce him, he has done nothing wrong.
You chose to marry an older man, and now you want to get rid of him. I think that some good marriage counselling will help you both a lot as will you staying right away from other men.

We cant always rely on how we feel or whether we think we fancy someone any more. He is your husband and you are his wife, and loving someone and being faithful to them is a decision.

[Raymond]

I think you would have made soul ties with the people you slept with and that certainly does affect the marriage relationship.