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Old 6th January 2011, 11:15 PM   #1
Henrick
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My wife wants out, why did'nt I fix it sooner?

12 years of marriage, 2 beautiful boys and it looks like it all over.

Married at 26 probably too young at the time and continued to drink as I did when I was single, after 5 years of mental torture for my wife I stopped drinking for three years and our relationship was great. Then started drinking again for the past 4 years and although not as heavily as previously but I was back to my selfish ways.

There has never been any physical abuse in our relationship and I am a great dad and husband in that I provide well and do my fair share at home etc, my wife even admits this but obviously not a good husband emiotionally towards her.

We had a situation on New Years eve where I left her at home with the children for 4 hours whilst I was in the pub, when I got home at 9pm I was informed that we were through and there was no going back.

Since then my wife is adminent that we are done and that we should stay friends for the children and move out when financially viable.

I love here with all my heart but once I have a drink I just dont think about how this will affect my wife.

I have promised not to revert back to the ways of the last 12 years (I promised this before when we had upsets but not as major as this one) and have booked to see a counsellor.

Can I win her back as I cant imagine life without her and family life with my children.

What shall I do, I feel so empty.........

Any advice, please help, thanks.
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Old 7th January 2011, 01:32 AM   #2
Forever
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Re: My wife wants out, why did'nt I fix it sooner?

Greetings Henrick,
Well, I am sorry you are suffering and in quite a pickle now, however, she is still in the house so that means there may be something that can still be done before the split up.
Given that you were capable of not drinking for three years and your relationship improved during that time, are you now convinced that you will need to stop drinking FOREVER if you want to try to keep your wife, children and home? Are they worth the exchange for that liquid pleasure?

Problem is, now she does not believe you will stop, she thought you had finished with that part of your life until you started up again, and she put herself at great risk because of her love for you.

So, as I see it, you will need to do more than talk, plead, and promise this time. You will need to bargain. What do you have that you are willing to put on the table THIS time besides words and just a couple years of sobriety?

Put the house (and every thing in it), 80% of your income, all your precious belongings, and the children "on the table" in a written contract drawn up by a solicitor. Tell her that if so much as one drop of booze ever goes across your lips again, that she will have all that is on the table (in the contract), no strings attached, to do with as she pleases. Frightful isnt it? She will have all of the marital assets, the children, most of your income (you can survive on beans and rice) and best of all, she will enjoy them with a new husband... all compliments of another broken promise, should you dare to be so selfish again.

Well, consider how frightful it has been for her, so much so that she is done. So you should man up this time and give her and the children what they need the most from you. This also means that you do not go to pubs or parties where alcohol is served...you will frighten her, create mistrust and she has had all the trauma she can stand. Nine years of the affects of drinking is a bit much...women get hit in their emotions and lose respect for their husbands too. Do you want your sons to grow up and be this way to their wives? They will get their example and "permission" from observing your behavior, rather than from the quiet desperation of their mum.

If you are not willing to do that for the rest of your life, you are not serious, and she knows it.

Please try to get her onto this forum as I would like to "speak" with her if she would.

Let us know how it goes.

Last edited by Forever; 7th January 2011 at 03:59 AM.
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Old 7th January 2011, 04:07 AM   #3
chosen
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Re: My wife wants out, why did'nt I fix it sooner?

What is it in particular that she doesnt like about the drinking? Is it the time that you spend out with your mates? is it the financial cost? Is it that you get drunk? is it that you get agressive when you drink? I only ask because even though I dont drink myself, I know many people who do like to drink and it seems to be acceptable to their spouses. Did you both drink when you met or did it start after you married?Did you change or did she?
It may just make it clearer to understand what it is in particular that she doesnt like.
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Old 7th January 2011, 10:08 AM   #4
Henrick
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Re: My wife wants out, why did'nt I fix it sooner?

Thanks Forever and chosen,

The thing in paticular my wife does not like about me drinking is that if I had a choice to spend time with my family or go out with my mates, 99% of the time I choose the drink. When I get drunk I am never verbally or physically abusive and come home and go to bed. Another issue is that when I go out in my wifes company I think I have to get both of us drunk in order to have a good time and this is also frustrating for her.

I wrote her a letter last night as below -

"I don’t know what to say, I can’t believe I have let you down so much, you deserve so much more and better as do the boys.

It physically and mentally pains me where we are at now and I feel an immense amount of guilt. When I think of what I determined as been “nothing issues” such as New Years Eve, I cringe at what I have done to you. I hate myself as a result. You are so strong in all areas of our life, family, work and I couldn’t have got this far without you, I have let you down and sincerely apologise.

I am in pieces inside as I am sure you are, if I could take all the years of grief back I would. I have had a rude awakening in relation my selfish behaviour and I am awaiting an appointment to see a counsellor to see if I can dig up my inner side to deal with this behaviour.

I haven’t even grieved properly after Dad died this year, I just bottle everything up and it needs to come out.

I will do whatever you want to move forward and would hope that maybe we could be ok as my life with you and the two boys is all I need.

Sorry

Love *******"

Before we were married we were both always out and once the children came along she became sensible and I just carried on.

Forever, what benifit could I potentially get from getting her on the forum.

Thanks to you both for replying as I have not discussed this with anyone, not family or friends and it's good to discuss it in this form.
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Old 7th January 2011, 10:50 AM   #5
chosen
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Re: My wife wants out, why did'nt I fix it sooner?

The letter sounds good.
Is there any way that you could compromise, such as you go out one evening a week with your friends, while she has an evening out with her friends or doing something else that she enjoys? Is there anyway that you can drink without getting drunk(it is possible you know). If it isnt possible for you not to get drunk, then maybe you do need to stop completely. but there are sometimes compromises. I can understand that she gets jealous of the time that you spend with your friends, maybe she feels second best.To me it isnt a reason to end a marriage, but maybe she is hoping that her threat will stop you going out and drinking.
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Old 7th January 2011, 11:02 AM   #6
Henrick
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Re: My wife wants out, why did'nt I fix it sooner?

I am willing to stop completely but she says "heard it all before" but its never been this serious before. She does feel second best and she is probably correct but I want to make ammends. We are a strong Catholic family and I would hate to believe this is the end. I am hoping that this is as you say a threat to make me realise what I need to do but I cant be sure and I know she has told her sisters that she wants to end it so how can she go back on that.
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Old 7th January 2011, 12:17 PM   #7
birdit
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Re: My wife wants out, why did'nt I fix it sooner?

It doesn't sound like it's the alcohol per se that is the issue here. Rather that she feels low down on your priority list and that you are not paying her or your family enough attention. It sounds like she thinks you would still be leading the life of a single man by going out boozing all the time. She probably needs to hear from you that you understand what her concerns are and that you take responsibility for how you have neglected her. She won't want to hear you say "i'll change i'll change" because she's thinking that you are only saying that as she has threatened to end the marriage. Take responsibility, acknowledge where you've gone wrong, don't beg or plead and give her some time and space to think.
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Old 7th January 2011, 12:29 PM   #8
Henrick
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Re: My wife wants out, why did'nt I fix it sooner?

Thanks Birdt
I have owned up to the fact that I have neglected her and I will give her space as suggested. I have also booked to see a counsellor for an initial consultation. I am just worried as she has told her sisters that she wants it to end that she will not be able to go back on this.
Really confused and upset.
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Old 7th January 2011, 01:06 PM   #9
chosen
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Re: My wife wants out, why did'nt I fix it sooner?

It would be very sad for a marriage to end over something that comparltively isnt THAT serious, and that can easily be corrected with willingness on both sides. If it were adultery or serious abuse then I could understand it, but surely counselling should the next step?It seems extreem to go straight to ending the marriage before trying counselling.

Last edited by chosen; 7th January 2011 at 01:14 PM.
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Old 7th January 2011, 01:40 PM   #10
Henrick
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Re: My wife wants out, why did'nt I fix it sooner?

I too think the same but she is not happy and I want to change. I think there is an image of greener grass as her sister broke up a few years ago and has now found her regained youth. But the difference with hew sister is that her husband walked away and was abusive.

I will try my best to give her space and hopefully time will rectify the problem for all our welfare.
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Old 7th January 2011, 01:47 PM   #11
chosen
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Re: My wife wants out, why did'nt I fix it sooner?

yes its good that you want to change and work on things. I really hope that she wont end the marriage because her sister seems happier. NOT a good reason to end a marriage especially as she has children to consider. It will devastate them. You do what you can to improve things, and hopefully she will realise that life as a single mum is NOT greener in anyway (been there done that).
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Old 7th January 2011, 01:58 PM   #12
Henrick
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Re: My wife wants out, why did'nt I fix it sooner?

Thanks I get a lot of hope and feel support from your wise words.
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Old 7th January 2011, 02:10 PM   #13
Raymond
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Re: My wife wants out, why did'nt I fix it sooner?

I think the drink is part of the problem as Forever has pointed out. Yes lots of people drink in moderation but getting drunk does have it's affects on one's personality, discipline and concern for others. As Chosen has pointed out and also Forever has also, if you cannot drink without getting drunk then don't drink at all. I think the problem is being ducked if this is not faced up to. That would be a big encouragement for the wife as a starter without anything else and would change a lot in the marriage.
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Old 7th January 2011, 02:21 PM   #14
Henrick
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Re: My wife wants out, why did'nt I fix it sooner?

Thanks Raymond, I have a love hate relationship with drink in that once I start I find it hard to stop but once I'm sober the next day I couldnt care for it. I am willing to stop for good in order to save my marriage as my parents broke up when I was 11 and it was horrible I dont want the same for my 11 year old or my 8 year old. My big worry is that its too late, all the signs from my wife are not good and this is one week later after the episode.
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Old 7th January 2011, 02:28 PM   #15
chosen
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Re: My wife wants out, why did'nt I fix it sooner?

Henrick, you cant change her mind for her, you can only do what you can to save things. Would she consider counselling? If she thinks that seperating or getting divorced will improve her life or give her a 'new youth', she is wrong. She will still be a mum, and a single one at that, with all the bad things that go along with that, such as litle money, no help with the children, probably having to leave the home and getting a much smaller home, her having to work full time to make ends meet etc.
I think its sad if she wont even try to work on the marriage. Ending it should be a very very last resort.
Just do all that you can to show her that you are determined, and she will have to be responsible for what she does.

Last edited by chosen; 7th January 2011 at 02:38 PM.
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