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Old 17th October 2010, 06:47 PM   #1
Sal
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Question On the rocks?

My husband left me last week after returning to me for 8 years after he had an affair. He used to walk with God, and I still do, but has turned his back on Him, his lovely boys and myself to live on his own in a place of work with an outside toilet and hardly any hot water. He says he no longer thinks of me as a man thinks of a woman. Everything points to another affair, but he swears not - even to the boys. The jury is open as far as I am concerned. Anyway, reeling and not sure how to be. Sons are 15, 20 and 23. He is 49. At the moment I am having no contact except a necessary text regarding youngest a few days ago. I can't bear to see him or speak to him as it is so painful.

I can't believe I am going through this again. I thought we were rock solid and he was a 'changed man'. Clearly, I am mug of the year, but am wondering where God is in this as he promised me he would mend our marriage 8 years ago.

Did He mean just for a while? Not sure what to do or how to be. Any advice from people who have come through all this a bit more than me. Can't see the wood for the trees.
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Old 17th October 2010, 07:58 PM   #2
chosen
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Re: On the rocks?

Sal
I am so sorry for what has happened to you.It could be that this seperation is only temporary and that he will come back, but it could be that he has someone else again (those having affair will always lie as I am sure you know).Its hard for you to know but I am sure that you would rather know the truth either way.
I admire you for having him back last time,and being able to make a go of it, many couldnt.

Its hard to say what God meant, but I would like to ask how you knew that God promised that your marriage would be restored. I only say this becasue I have known 2 other people who have done this and are doing this. One was convinced that her husband(who had left her for another woman) would return and that God would restore the marriage, but after 5 years the divorce papers arrived and she accepted that this was the end.
Another man that I know at my church believes totally that God will restore his marriage, despite the fact that his wife is divorcing him. I dont know why she is divorcing him as I havent known him long and she may well have very good reason. He says that God has told him that his marriage will be restored, and if anyone suggests that this may not be the case, he accuses them of lack of faith. I am myself divorced, and I know so many in my family and friends who have had cheating spouses and who are divorced so I am quite realistic about the fact that it can and often does happen, but I cant say anything to him at all as I will be accused of the same lack of faith. I do wonder if all those who God may be using to speak to him are being silenced by him attacking them for their lack of faith. I feel that he may be wrong, and he may have heard God wrong, but only time will tell. If the divorce is finalised soon,(and it has been going on for ages and ages) then he didnt hear God, and if they are restored, then he clearly did. Sometimes, if we want something bad enough, we convince ourselves that it is what God has said. I have heard people say that God has told them things that he clearly didnt.

Now you may well have heard Him clearly, as your marriage was restored for 8 years after the affair,and things may improve again. I hope they do for all of your sakes. It sounds as if he has gone away from God as well. Has he got any close Christians friends that could talk to him?Anyone that he trusts and respects?Would he agree to go and see the pastor or a counsellor together? It does seem odd that he would stay for such a long time and then just go with no apparent warning for no real reason.
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Old 17th October 2010, 09:25 PM   #3
Raymond
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Re: On the rocks?

On another angle God always wants to restore marriages and He hates divorce as the scripture says but He never goes against our wills. For God to go against your husband's will would mean that He is going against the freewill that He has given him. He does not treat us as robots. Yes your marriage can be restored when your husband comes to God and does it His way but basically it is his own choice. There is nothing to stop you praying for him though as God can speak to him if he is open.

Last edited by Raymond; 18th October 2010 at 09:50 AM.
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Old 17th October 2010, 09:46 PM   #4
chosen
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Re: On the rocks?

Thats the point Raymond as I see it too. Gods desire is for good and godly marriages that never end in divorce. However as you said, if one spouse wants to give up,or cheat, or leave,or end it, then God cant and wont force them not to. The man that I know can believe all he likes that his marriage will be restored, but if his wife is seeking (and maybe praying for)a divorce then it wont happen. His prayers may be the total opposite of his wifes prayers.

However, never say die Sal, and dont give up without a fight. Get all your Christians friends to pray for him to turn around and come back. Pray yourself. Maybe get that book "The power of a praying wife" by Stormie Omartian, which is full of scripture based prayers for your husband. Dont make any rash decisions.Suggest counselling.

If time does show that he is cheating again, then you will need to decide and pray about what you will do, but hopefully it isnt that.

Last edited by chosen; 17th October 2010 at 09:54 PM.
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Old 28th October 2010, 09:04 AM   #5
Sal
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Re: On the rocks?

Thank you for your replies. I have felt too agitated to post on this as I can't settle to anything. I will tell you my walk with God 8 years ago as it was truly amazing. My husband had gone off to meet with the other woman, with whom he had rented a house and moved half our furniture into just down the road from us. I was praying and felt God say 'It is done'. This was about half an hour after he was due to meet her. Thought it odd for me to hear those words as I am not really that great at hearing God speak directly and the words weren't words that I would speak. However, when he came home he told me that she had been late arriving and that at the very time I heard the words 'It is done', he had fallen to his knees and said sorry to God. However, it didn't stop him being with her and her children for a couple of months, but I got our furniture back quite quickly! Various other things happened, but it was a massive battleground and I had a male friend who was dying of melanoma who spent a lot of time praying for him as he heard God tell him to go into battle for this marriage, even before my husband left.
Part of me feels that this is another separate incident and not related to the last time. I have heard nothing from God, not that I am trying to hear as am in shock and so disappointed. I just don't have the energy for this and have to trust God to do it all for me, hope others are holding me up in prayer and pray that God has good things for me in the future - wherever that may be - but that feels impossible at the moment. I am frightened of the future and see nothing but impassable mountains all around. I know that fear is of the devil, but there it is. I am only human!
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Old 28th October 2010, 01:06 PM   #6
Raymond
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Re: On the rocks?

There is faith in your posts Sal and also the confession of your weaknesses. None of us can do more than that. I once had a picture where someone was contemplating climbing a big peak with Jesus at the pinnacle. The truth of the matter was Jesus is at the bottom with us and we couldn't climb without Him anyway. He gets down into the pit with us and lifts us out as we follow and trust Him the best we know how.

Last edited by Raymond; 28th October 2010 at 06:21 PM.
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Old 30th October 2010, 08:33 PM   #7
Sal
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Re: On the rocks?

Had an email from him after I texted him asking what he was thinking. It had been making me ill not knowing what on earth happened and what he was thinking. Turns out he wants more sex and to feel intimate with someone. He has spent the last 6 months of our marriage on the computer, distancing himself from me emotionally and staying up drinking and not coming to bed with me etc etc. Suddenly, we are incompatible and he doesn't want me in any way - to talk to, be with or as a wife. It seems he is rewriting history and believing it. Can't decide whether to call it a long day and get on and divorce or wait. Waiting gives me no feeling of control over the situation and after going through this before 8 years ago, I just don't have the emotional energy to do it all over again. I fear the future, but having him back will be terrible too - certainly as he is now seeming to hate me. Also, how could I ever trust him again. My family and friends think he is disgusting and to get rid of him asap. Of course, they find it difficult to see myself and my children suffering so much. I don't want to do anything as a knee jerk reaction and then regret it. Any thoughts from anyone who has been in a similar situation?
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Old 31st October 2010, 10:32 AM   #8
Raymond
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Re: On the rocks?

So the reason is that he wants more sex and wants to feel intimate? Didn't he have this with you in marriage?

Are you sure that he wasn't doing porn staying up late on his computer? I hope not but it might fit the puzzle.
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Old 4th November 2010, 08:45 PM   #9
Sal
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Re: On the rocks?

It's possible, as he did get into porn once before. We did have sex in our marriage and although we were intimate he is quite an insular man. He has issues with being perfect and having bigger and better all the time. Everything he does he has to excel at. Maybe I just wasn't perfect enough and he is looking for that perfect woman. Dream on..
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Old 5th November 2010, 09:49 AM   #10
Raymond
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Re: On the rocks?

He may have been the victim of the deception that talks about sex a a separate entity when really it is about knowing each other physically. Knowing being the crucial word. It is about the couple themselves and if anything from outside doesn't sit well to who you are it doesn't belong and is not helpful.

I'd check into the porn thing, which is a kind of mental adultery. If it is that then you will have a pretty clear idea as to what is going on.
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Old 7th November 2010, 10:35 AM   #11
Sal
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Re: On the rocks?

He certainly seems to be implying that sex is a separate entity. Not sure how I can check the porn idea without asking him, but I may think of a way. I know how powerful porn is from the past and how it ruins peoples lives. Many thanks for chatting with me. It is enormously helpful.
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Old 7th November 2010, 11:56 AM   #12
chosen
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Re: On the rocks?

sal could you check his computer history and the sites that he has been on?
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