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Old 4th November 2009, 02:32 PM   #46
jellybean28
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Re: just found out husband is having an affair need help

That's great news coolricrumble

Forgiving and letting go is not easy, but so far you seem to be doing a great job.

Just an idea here, you said you feel like you're making all the sacrifice here and that's understandable, maybe you could ask him to committ one night a week just for the two of you, like a date night, but he has to do all the organizing, place, time, babysitting, you may have another idea of how he can show he is committed to your marriage.

By him being willing to do something like this, it will help you to feel loved or if you want you could see it as a kind of punishiment, but in a really postive way which may help you move forward.

I do hope it all works out for you, keep us posted

Gillian
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Old 17th November 2009, 04:07 PM   #47
coolircrumble
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Re: just found out husband is having an affair need help

Things are going from bad to worse at the moment I just cannot seem to accept him back.

I still look at him and see him with ow and how different she is to me. He now never mentions anything relating to trauma that we have faced he carries on as if nothing is wrong and when I am a bit sad he just ignores it and acts is if everything is fine.

We have a big family gathering coming up soon and for our girls sake I am trying to keep the peace till that is over and then I think we need to seperate as I have come to realise the hurt runs way to deep to accept him back as my h although he will always be the girls father I need my own space to grieve for what he has done to me and our marraige and our future.

This breaks my heart to say it but there is no way forward for us.

Many thanks to everyone x
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Old 17th November 2009, 08:08 PM   #48
Raymond
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Re: just found out husband is having an affair need help

There is no way forward if you say there is no way forward Coolicrumble. You are confessing something and believing it and making it so.

Nobody said it would be instant. As said before trust is the thing that takes the longest to build but can be broken the quickest. If you see that it is possible for the trust to increase gradually over time there is hope. You seem to be a person that finds it very hard to forgive where somebody has repented of their wrong doing. People can do wrong, repent and get it right. Many learn from their wrongdoing.

If you can never forgive the marriage does seem to be over, but that will be a choice that you have made. It was his fault in the first place but if he has repented and wants to make it up to you then your forgiveness is now the biggest barrier. If you are unable to forgive, yes, it seems that the marriage is over.

Raymond
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Old 28th January 2010, 04:07 PM   #49
coolircrumble
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Re: just found out husband is having an affair need help

Hi all,
I havent been on for over two months and I am needing advice.

I said in my last post that my marraige was over and I believe it still is. I have decided to let my husband stay with us and we are trying to be a family although the girls do not know that we are no longer a couple. He refuses to believe we are over and I don't know if this arrangement is doing him, me or the girls any good.

Do these kind of situations work or is it better to make a clean break.

We still argue although not when the girls are around but I am sure they know what is going on but he will not tell them and I feel he should be honest about what he has done.

I am still so confused I know in my heart that if we had no kids I would have left as soon as I found out about his affair but for my girls I would do anything for (even living with him).
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Old 28th January 2010, 04:37 PM   #50
jellybean28
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Re: just found out husband is having an affair need help

Coolricrumble

Sorry to hear things aren't working out for you.

OMO the two of you staying together and being unhappy will affect the girls more than if you seperated. Children are so much smarter than we give them credit for, they will pick up on your unhappiness, which may have a negative effect on their behaviour and school work.

I don't think the way things are at the moment are good for any of you.
Have you tried seeing a councillor or relationship advisor?

At the end of the day you have to make the decision to leave or stay.
I feel you've already made that decision in your heart. You've tried to make the marriage work and it hasn't for one reason or another. No shame it letting it go, you've given it your best.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxHugs and love JBxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 28th January 2010, 06:29 PM   #51
RayCub
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Re: just found out husband is having an affair need help

I agree. Staying for the kids just wasn't an option for me. You want to know why?? Because I didn't want my children to feel responsible for me being unhappy for so many years to come. I never wanted them in the future to look back and think, "Mom could've been happy but she stayed because of US." That's a HUGE burden to carry around...I want them to see me happy, and that meant getting out.

Plus, I have two girls, and I want to teach them to stand up for themselves and put themselves first ALWAYS. I always want them to choose themselves first. I want them to be strong, independat women when they grow up, so I want to be an example to them. That's not to say that I want them to not give their marriages a chance if/when they get married and if they have problems, but I want to show them that a woman doesn't have to have a husband to make her happy or define her...

Kids KNOW what's going on in a house. They are observant, deep little creatures who pick up on every vibe in a house. They KNOW if you're happy. So, do yourself a favour and be happy. If that means getting out for you, then forgive yourself and just do it. Your kids are resilient. You all will get through this together.
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Old 1st February 2010, 06:16 PM   #52
Tom70
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Re: just found out husband is having an affair need help

this happened to me recently too. I felt devastated, shocked, angry, hurt and sad, sad, sad. I hoped at least I'd be able to talk to her frankly about our past relationship now it's over, but obviously we saw it so differently, it turned out!

Try venting out some of the feelings. The writing process - I find anyway - helps you understand things better and approach them in a clamer way. This is what I've been doing for a few weeks now and it helps me a lot!

Look up my blog: http://meshehiml.blogspot.com

Take care!
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