Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  
Old 25th August 2009, 12:47 PM   #16
Purple lady
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Please help me sort this

I have just discovered that he has texted my best friend 541 times in the last month and rang her constantly by hacking into the itemised phone bill ...................... no feeling, no thoughts, just feel dead at min
  Reply With Quote
Old 25th August 2009, 01:00 PM   #17
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Please help me sort this

Sadly it all makes sense now.........................
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th August 2009, 08:52 PM   #18
crush
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Please help me sort this

Oh I am sorry for you but there is usually a reason for their sudden actions, like I said if they have a nice home etc why decide they do not want it anymore. It must be devastating for you but you will get over this, not now but in time you will. You need to find out how far this has gone and did you not suspect anything suspicious in your best friend. Friends like these you can well do without.

Just try to get through each day one at a time, maybe nothing has happened yet but from his actions I would prepare yourself, at least you do have the upper hand at the moment as you know what he has been up to. Have you confronted him about it yet? Don't believe all that he tells you though as in my experience they will lie, lie, lie to get themselves out of it and not make them look bad. You may even find he will try to put the blame onto you but don't accept any of it, you have done nothing wrong.
  Reply With Quote
Old 27th August 2009, 11:01 AM   #19
huting
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Please help me sort this

if yoy do not want to confront your husband or feel it may push him away, could you confront your so called best friend? see whats going on.

im thinking of you, please keep posting on here and let us know how u r, wishing u luck
  Reply With Quote
Old 27th August 2009, 02:17 PM   #20
Purple lady
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Please help me sort this

I havent confront anyone, i am too scared too incase i push them together, she is away at the minute on holiday, i have been a rock for her these past 9 years as she has had turblent times took her home with me, looked after her etc, i cant belieive that they would do this, there has to be some explanation, i really cant cope at minute and want to hide away from everything and everyone, i am soooo soooo scared of everything. He said this morning that he loved me and sometimes i feel hope and he has been no where without me so at the minute it can only be a phone relationship and hasnt yet developed to the next stage
  Reply With Quote
Old 1st September 2009, 02:47 PM   #21
Purple lady
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Please help me sort this

Completely falling to buts now, he still doesnt know that i know he is having a texting/phone relationship with my friend, it hasnt moved past that stage yet but they seem to want it to, i appear to be living in a constant state of fear and anxiety, i cant not be without him, its where i belong and where i want to be, i just want the whole thing to go away and for him to realise that 23 years of love and commitment cannot be taken away by a 4 week phone relationship.
  Reply With Quote
Old 1st September 2009, 06:26 PM   #22
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Please help me sort this

Purple Lady you may be in danger of getting into reality if you are not careful. I was always worried that you said you could not cope if he left you. You must change those words and don't confess them. Words are powerful. If it came to it you could cope and will cope.

I am one that thinks you ought to now confront. Her first and then him. Your fear will wrap around you and paralise you otherwise. As you are her friend you have the opportunity to calmly point out to her what you know. Hiding away and letting it happen is not wise when you can do something about it. Your confrontation may touch her conscience. Who knows?

You might be able to nip it in the bud by having the courage to confront her. Bring it out in the open so to speak. He can be left until later in your own good time, but confronting her may achieve a lot. She is heading for adultery if she is not careful and that is a very ugly thing regardless of what the cinema portrays.

Go for it Purple Lady. Save what is yours. It doesn't belong to her. She is stepping over a mark. The longer it goes on the more their emotions will interwine until it may be too late.

Raymond
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st September 2009, 11:12 PM   #23
jools
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 570
Re: Please help me sort this

Reading this brings back memories of what happened to me 3 years ago - except it wasn't a good friend of mine (though I knew her). I made the mistake of confronting him with the phone bills - of course he denied everything and said it was business etc. By the time I cornered her, he'd pre-warned her so she trotted out the same story.

Now I'm not suggesting "game playing" here. I'm just suggesting the best way to getting as close to the truth as possible. As Raymond suggested, see her first. With hindsight, what I should have done was see her (no pre-warning) - and then said (lying of course) that my H had confessed their inappropriately close relationship to me and then go on to ask her what's been going on. I mean you haven't said any untruths. That amount of contact is highly inappropriate with the husband of your close friend! Don't ask her IF anything's been going on - phrase it as though it's a foregone conclusion and see how she tries to wriggle out of it. I think you'll know from her reaction. Just what I would do if I could re-wind. My H's "friendship" didn't last, by the way.

Like Raymond said - you can and you will survive without him if you have to. But get the truth so you know what you're dealing with. Goodluck. I know how horrible it is to be going through what you are at the moment.
Love Jools XXXXXXXXXXXXX
jools is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd September 2009, 09:19 AM   #24
Purple lady
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Please help me sort this

She is away at the minute and not back until the weekend, so even if i wanted to i cant confront her face to face, we have been best friends for 9 years and she has been having a tough time in her current 10 year relationship (altho she is alot younger than me) and i have been there for her, offer her my house, support and everything and the whole time this texting/phone affair (I know for def they havent been together yet but are intending to try to be). We are all supposed to be going awy together next weekend and i am considering trying to hold out to then, we live quite a distance apart. She was aware that we were having a rough time and has been supporting me etc and i just cant get my head around this whole situation. I cant eat, sleep or concentrate on anything else, its like this great fear wrapped around my insides from my heart to me stomach and a constant state of anxiety. I cant envisage my life without him, never imagined i would have to, i have so many memories yet to make with him and so much life to have with him and without him there is no point to anything that i have achieved as it was all for us. Thank you everyone for all your kind words and thoughts and whilst i know that what you all say is based on experience, i have discovered that i am a coward (something i never thought of myself as) but i supposed what will be will be
  Reply With Quote
Old 2nd September 2009, 01:03 PM   #25
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Please help me sort this

Purple Lady you must try to save yourself. This friend (with friends like that who needs enemies) has to be confronted. The sooner the better. You have right on your side. Where is your jealousy? You need to confront as soon as you can and not go on this nightmare of a holiday knowing what you know. If you bring it out into the day it will expose the things that are not right. It's like lifting a brick where the insects scatter. Jealousy is wanting what is rightfully yours and what belongs to you. You need to get a bit angry here I think. Envy is the bad one, wanting what is not yours.

You say you are a coward. I say you have got it in you to do this and confront this woman and stand up to her. The fear is stopping you but you need to do it afraid regardless. There is no way she should be talking to your husband in the way you have described. Maybe you are afraid of your husband but he is in the wrong and in danger of doing adultery. You need to get to her by telephone, e mail or whatever. Face to face would be better but telephone or e mail is better that nothing. Go for it Purple Lady. Purple is the colour of royalty. You need to act like it.

Raymond
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd September 2009, 04:52 PM   #26
huting
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Please help me sort this

u r not a coward, ur scared of what she will say, of what u will find out, it is hard but u have to confront her if u truly want to keep your husband. its the only way. my h was talking to this girl my supposed friend, he spent 2 much time with her 2, it was platonic he says, but had i not confronted them both who knows what would have happened. the longer u leave it the harder it will get and the more feelings they will have for each other. u say u want your h then u need to do this. if hes going to go with her he will do thid regardless of if u confront them but doing this may save u. she is wrong and u need to tell her that. if it is just a friendship thing, act now. we will be your strength. u dont really have a choice if u want to stay together. u will always wonder what if.
  Reply With Quote
Old 7th September 2009, 02:27 PM   #27
Purple lady
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Please help me sort this

OK i managed to get the back bone to tell him i knew and also to confront her, he was horrified that i knew all that had been said as i retrieved his text messages, and i also confronted her, he was swore to no more contact with her but she is still in touch with him citing a broken heart etc and saying that she knows he said not to have any further contact as me and him were giving it a go but she still did. He has told me that we are giving it a go but he has been very attentive and good altho i dont know if thats out of worry due to weight loss and panic attacks or actually wanting to, so not sure where we are going at the minute, you were all right tho the minute that i said i knew i did feel a sense of relief...........
  Reply With Quote
Old 7th September 2009, 07:20 PM   #28
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Please help me sort this

Well done Purple Lady. For a minute I thought you was never going to do it. Keep an eye on her she has no rights in this.

He sounds like he was alright while he was getting away with it but now it's a different story. I think he may be scared of losing you and is now trying to play ball. Time will tell if there is true repentance and whether he will now try to win your trust back. You will know pretty quick.

It is your decision whether you want to go on with him but no doubt you have been put through a very traumatic time and need to asess things a bit.

Raymond
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th September 2009, 11:01 AM   #29
Purple lady
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Please help me sort this

Well she is texting him and saying that her heart is broken, that he was everything she every wanted and more, meanwhile she is emailing me for advice regarding her own relationship, he is not making contact or replying, i still dont know what i feel but as you say Raymond time will tell, at the minute idont feel strong enough to do anything else
  Reply With Quote
Old 8th September 2009, 01:11 PM   #30
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Please help me sort this

Purple Lady there are boundaries. Whatever this lady's problems are, your marriage is sacrosanct. She has been on the edge of adultery with your husband and your top priority is your marriage.

I wouldn't normally say this but her problems are not your problems. You and your husband are not the people who should be dealing with this because of the association she has with your husband.

There will be plenty of other people to counsel her for her mistakes. Neither of you should get involved. Make sure you have a clean break from her and don't be tempted to counsel her and certainly not your husband. Also don't feel sorry for her as that could leave an opening that would not be healthy.

You would not be using malice here, simply common sense in view of the circumstances

Raymond

Last edited by Raymond; 8th September 2009 at 05:50 PM.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 01:05 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright 1999-2020 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer