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Old 15th November 2009, 08:54 PM   #1
daydream believer
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Angry Angry but with no right to be........

I have been with my husband for 15 years and married for 11. We have 3 beautiful children aged 10, 7 and 3 but have been having difficulties in our marriage for some considerable time. Unfortunately our eldest son was very poorly when he was 3 1/2 years old which resulted in lots of hospital treatment and a very scary time for 3 years or more. I feel that we never really got over it, despite the support and counselling you receive. We have been separated now for 3 months. He lives at his mother's house and I, for now, live in the marital home. The main reason for our separation was due to his unreasonable behaviour. For days he would ignore me and the children, when he did say anything it was always to shout at us or criticise us. He became jealous of my friends, my social life and the people I met when I changed jobs. We have completely run out of things to say to each other that are not hurtful and have nothing in common except the children. However I even found myself going out alone with the children just so that we could get away from the tension in the house.

I have tried to remain friends with him but keep my distance as early on in the separation he would inform me that he could only be happy if I let him come home and should sacrifice my own happiness for his. Sorry if this is long winded.

However now he has a new friend . The wife of a male friend of mine who is himself going through a divorce. Myself and this male friend have always been close, and there have been times when he has brought his children over to the house to spend time with mine. We have always been upfront and honest about this to both of our spouses.Recently my husband has refused to speak to the male friend of mine (is this a guilt thing) as they work together and will even look at the floor if they happen to be in the same place at the same time. He appears to be jealous of my relationship with him but will not discuss it with me when I try to raise the subject and just shuts down.

The wife of my male friend has also commented in the past that she has no problem with our friendship (we have been friends for 8 years) however we have found out from other mutual friends that she has been emailing them asking them "what is going on" between us and has been saying lots of other particularly nasty things.

The reason I am angry is that we have now found out in the last 2 weeks that their own relationship (my husband and my friend's wife) has moved on and they are having an affair. Their are times and dates (some when he stays the whole night) that I know my husband's car has been outside her house however if I ask him if he has been out anywhere or seen anyone, the answer is "no I was at my mum's all night". I have witnessed his car being present all night and my friend's daughter has confirmed they sleep in the same room, kiss, cuddle and say they love each other. My husband has changed. I don't know how to explain it but it is a gut feeling. I know there is something going on but I can't prove it.

My friend's wife is saying that she will destroy him at his workplace and is posting nasty things about him on social networking sights yet it would seem that butter would not melt in the mouth in her case. My friend has asked his wife if she has commited adultery and she simply answers that she will only admit to it if she is caught in the act, whilst running him down and questioning his relationship with me to anyone who will stand still long enough to listen.

What is anyone to do about a situation like this. And if a husband has left the marital home and commits adultery is he still entitled to 50% of any profits from the house sale.

I was not in any rush to divorce, but I sure am now. I cannot believe that they can have such double standards. I do not care that he is with her. We have been through so much and I want him to be happy in the future. However I cannot stand the hypocrisy.

I am angry, but do I have any right to be......
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Old 16th November 2009, 10:59 AM   #2
Raymond
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Re: Angry but with no right to be........

If he is lying and in adultery your anger it is understandable. Seems to me like one big mess. He has chosen to walk out of the marriage and seems to be adultery. You seem to have accepted that your marriage is finished. If that is the case your main priority is what happens now?

I don't know about the 50/50 of assets as I have never been through it although a lot on here have and would know better than me and hopefully they can advise.

Raymond
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Old 16th November 2009, 10:20 PM   #3
daydream believer
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Re: Angry but with no right to be........

Thank you Raymond for taking the time to read my thread and reply.

Yes it is a mess. We have both accepted that sadly our marriage is over, but we both promised we would always be friends for the sake of the children and we would never lie to each other. I cannot abide lies. I have never lied to him. I have always been open and honest about my friendships and I have never betrayed him in anyway and I don't understand how he can do this to me and how collectively the pair of them can be so nasty when it is the two of them that are committing adultery and lying to everyone including themselves. Does guilt make you attack others. I don't know.

I have no idea what to do about the situation or how to approach the subject with him. I don't know where to go or who to turn to. I suppose the only thing I can do is divorce him on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour although like I said before, I was initially in no hurry to do so and thought a separation may help us decide the right choice and path to take.

I know it is probably silly to others for me to post on this forum when I, unlike others, have no desire to try and save my marriage. I may have considered and even tried before but I certainly wouldn't now. It's the lies and the nastiness.

I just hope we can move on from this for the sake of the children as right now, I find it hard to talk to him and listen to the lies, when I know he is with her every night, including last night....

After reading other threads, my thoughts were perhaps to write everything in a letter, not a nasty one, but perhaps explaining how if we are to remain friends and want to bring our children up to be well rounded, honest people that we have to be honest with each other. We owe each other that. Would that help. I don't know.
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Old 16th November 2009, 10:22 PM   #4
nik1h
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Re: Angry but with no right to be........

With regards to the split of equity.......

Unfortunately been an adulterer has no bearing on what share a person gets. How long each person has contributed and what they brought to the marriage has the biggest influence.

Looking at your length of marriage and the situation I would say a 50% split was the most likely outcome
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Old 16th November 2009, 10:56 PM   #5
daydream believer
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Re: Angry but with no right to be........

Thanks nik1h.

I think because I am angry about the lies, it just felt so unfair that he wants me to sell our home immediately so that he can get his half of the profit, probably to get a property with her. To uproot my children and start again when he cannot even be honest with me.

She seems to be influencing everything he does, to the point where on Friday he spent the grand sum of 1 hour and 20 minutes with his children. Told them he didn't have time to be with them longer and dropped them home.

I have found out from my friend (the husband of the woman he is having the affair with) that he collected his children from her on Friday around the same time. One can only assume that as soon as he knew she was free of the children he was straight over there.

The only thing I can do now is get legal advice. And love my children. I am not playing their game anymore. If they want to lie, then let them. I know the truth, and my true friends who have been my rocks, know the truth.
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Old 17th November 2009, 09:40 AM   #6
Raymond
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Re: Angry but with no right to be........

It is wise to get advice DB. In your position with the children you may find he will have to pay support to you. I'd get that advice. It may be possible to stay where you are.

Raymond
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Old 17th November 2009, 10:21 AM   #7
j92cool
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Re: Angry but with no right to be........

Hi Daydream

Yes most definately get legal advise asap you need to know where you stand in regards to the time frame for the sale of the family home etc. 50/50 split seems the most likely but he will need to pay child support.

In regards to the guilt thing yes there is a trend for the guilty party to blame the victum. By attacking you and placing blame on you for the affair somehow makes them feel better. Mine was also really nice for a month or two before he stuck the knife in.

I like the letter idea. Keep a copy to refer to latter just in case
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