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Old 3rd August 2009, 08:20 AM   #1
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not in love, maybe haven't been, not sure what to do

I come here baring my soul. This is the first time I have written/verbalized my thoughts, and I figured since this is a marriage advice forum it would be a good place to start.

In short, I have come to terms with... not realized, but stopped denying... that I am not in love with my wife.

I'm 28, and have been married for 4 years. I respect and care about my wife, and she is one of the most kind hearted and loving people I know. But, when I think about her or look at her, there is nothing. No desire, no chemistry, nothing beyond thoughts of an old friend.

A few years before our wedding, we broke up. I was leaving town; and I told her, and meant it, that I didn't love her. Of course it hurt, but we went our separate ways. i had to stay in town to clear up some final things before moving, and ended up getting back together with her. Honestly I don't know why, I was probably being a stupid horny boy. But, I ended up at her place, and we stayed together. I moved away, and we kept in contact via phone and email. For some reason I decided to get her a ring, and when she came to visit I proposed.

Why? I suppose... I was content, comfortable, settled. So I went with it. We have no kids, no house, nothing joined except rent, some bills, and a car. Even our banks are separate.

Fast forward to now. She moved to where I did. We get along, respect each other, sleep together, and have sex. In bed I do what I can to please her because I feel it is the right thing to do. But, I'M not happy. I feel broken, holed up in myself to make someone else happy in my lie. I've considered an affair or one night stand, but I would never do it as I respect her and our vows too much. I crave an emotional attachment more than anything, but I distance myself from women to keep from getting attached to anyone and betraying my wife.

At this point, I'm just not sure how to proceed. I'm fairly certain that counseling won't do anything...

So, thoughts, advice, insight. I'm all ears.
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Old 3rd August 2009, 02:24 PM   #2
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: not in love, maybe haven't been, not sure what to do

Pray, maybe get some counselling for yourself and also speak to a mature Christian married guy from your church. who can listen and advise and pray for you. Go together to marriage courses and marriage enrichment weekends.
You made the decision to marry her knowing what you do now, you have no reason to leave or divorce her. You have to stop even thinking of an affair or similar , anyway what makes you think that having an affair with a woman with no moral standards will find the imtimacy that you want?this will only make things far worse for you and her, She sounds like a lovely person, so learn how to love her and be thankful for what you DO have and stop focusing on what you DONT have.
Much of marriage isnt the lovey dovey bit, it is about companionship and friendship and sharing life together. You may not have the marriage of your dreams, but sometimes the fantasies that we have arent anything like reality anyway.

Being discontent with our spouse is the best way to ruin a marriage.You may not think she knows how you feel but my bet is that she does.It is so hurtful for anyone to be married to someone who doesnt really want them, and would rather be with someone else. The grass is always greener, or so it appears,( it isnt, it just looks that way till you get closer to it.

God can and will change you, and enable you to see her with his eyes if you ask Him and if you are willing to focus all of your energies on her and stop wondering 'what if' or whether another women would make you happy. maybe she would and maybe she wouldnt but you are married now so need to be faithful.
If a women is prepared to have sex with a married man then she isnt worth having anyway in my opinion.

Last edited by chosen; 3rd August 2009 at 02:31 PM.
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