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Old 18th November 2002, 12:29 PM   #1
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What do I do now?

I was married to my first husband for 12 years and we had 2 children who are now 14 and 10. I divorced him finally because of emotional abuse. After getting divorced (about 6 years ago now) I brought my children up alone for over 4 years. During this time I became a Christian. I have suffered from depression for the last 10 years which I dont seem able to shake off and I know doesnt help my relationships.
I met my new partner on a Christian website (he is supposedly a Christian). After dating for nearly a year we got engaged and because of practical difficulties of travelling between our 2 houses, he moved into my house.
But since he moved in we have had a lot of problems, I have found that he seems very easy going but occassionally looses his temper. When this happens he shouts and threatens me, he has kicked down the bedroon door (I had locked myself in because I was scared of him) and pushed me around, he has even got asharp knife and threatened to cut his wrists in front of me, but he has never actually hit me. He is always apologetic afterwards and says he will not do it again. He has been to the doctors and asked for help with this but the doctor does not seem to take it seriously and won't help.
Last night we had another arguement and he lost his temper again. He was not violent but he shouted at me and said that I do nothing around the house, I drag him down and I'm always whinging, that I should get a job and I only want him around because he earns money. He then slept on the settee. This morning he kissed me before he went to work and said he was sorry, he has also phoned up and left a message on the answer phone saying he is sorry.
The thing is, I still feel really hurt by the things he said. I already feel like I am a bad mother etc and have lkow self esteem. Now I feel that he really thinks the things that he said about me. I also feel insulted that he could say I am only with him because he earns money - its like calling me a prostitute. I know when he comes home he will say he didnt mean what he said, I am a good mother etc and I shouldnt takew any notive of what he said before.
As a Christian we are suppoed to forgive and forget, and work at our marriages, am I being too sensitive? How can I work this out? Please advise me
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Old 24th November 2002, 04:40 PM   #2
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I would be the most concerned about your safety and the safety of your kids, if you feel in danger please consider how to protect yourselves, remove yourselves from immediate danger somehow, if it's your house then get him out until he can demonstrate he has reformed and if you still really want him. You say you were engaged so if not actually married yet that should be less complicated and maybe you are getting a lucky escape, finding out what it might be like if you do marry. He has problems of his own, together you would need more constructive ways to communicate if this is going to work. I hope this helps. Rab.
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Old 28th November 2002, 09:46 PM   #3
Join Date: Feb 2000
Posts: 1,115
I wonder if you've rushed into this relationship rather quickly. I know you said it was convenient to have one home. As a Christian, do you really think God wants you living with a man even though you are engaged. If you really want to work things out then why not take some form of marriage preparation course to see where you are heading and to find out what you need to sort out between you. Something like FOCCUS or Prepare sound suitable to your circumstances. You can find those programmes in Europe and USA.

If the violence is persistent then you really need to sort that issue out first not only for yourself but also for the children. You should consider asking him to leave until he has sorted out his problems. If you need some support then is there someone at church who can help you?

You can still forgive his behaviour but that doesn't mean staying in a situation where it may happen again.

Kate is offline   Reply With Quote

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