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Old 1st August 2004, 06:50 PM   #1
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marriage feels like it is falling apart

I really need some husband and I have been married for almost a year and we have had such a rough time. Our communication has broken down so seems we can never just sit and listen to one another...I have my side...he has his...and neither one of us wants to budge. From the get go...I felt like my husband was not "in love" with me...although we were friends and had a great friendship and seemingly great relationship..there seemed to be some passion missing in our relationship. My husband has been married before and his wife left him and married another man. He acknowledged his responsibility in the marriage and accepted also seemed like he had changed alot..he became a Christian after his divorce and seemed like a changed man. He confided in me his issues with sex addiction which involved pornography. He was in counseling and in a tight accountability group with other guys who could ask him the tough questions. We went to counseling before we got married and felt we had worked through some issues. I trusted him that his "issue" was being taken care of...and it has, for the most part. He does fall sometimes and quickly confesses it to me and apologizes...but his "past" has affected our sexual relationship in the present. We waited to have sex on our wedding night and he was my first. From the get go, I felt like this marriage, being is second, and our sexual relationship was not a sacred/special event for him. Being sexually active before and being exposed to a wide range of "stuff" having sex inside a marriage for him, I felt, was no big deal. Marriage, I felt was just a convenience for him...a place for him to get his needs met without feeling guilty. We talked about sexual expectations before we got married and felt from our conversations that I would be respected in my limitations. However, I felt from the beginning like he was pushing or was not the gentle man I needed/wanted him to be in bed ....for example...although I was "timid" our first night...I felt like he pushed to have sex with me...and despite my pain...I stuck it out...and he kept pushing...there were many times after that I would be in pain and he would never say "im sorry" or even stop...again, I stuck it out. Some of the sexual language he used and how he said things...were turn off's to me--I felt they were borderline pornograhic. I never felt like sex was an emotional thing between us but was more about reaching climax. Seeing that the lack of intimacy was an issue for sex addicts and that we talked about it during counseling...I would mention this to him...saying something like...I don't feel emotionally connected to you right now...during our 2 minutes of foreplay. He would then turn over and's no fun if you lecture me and then he would go to sleep. He also expects sex at a time when it is convenient for him...we can never agree on a time.....there have been times when he has come into bed and just expects me to satisfy him without having intercourse with me...More recently there was a particular thing he wanted to try and I did not feel comfortable, granted it was not "kinky" ...just not something I was physically or emotionally comfortable with at this time...when I said "I really dont' like this" he said "I know you don't" and then proceeded to go forward with it...I then said "fine" not wanting to make a big deal about...he then left the room and said..."You just ruined the whole thing"...bottom line is I don't feel that I am respected sexually in this relationship...these kind of interactions have really turned me off to sex with him...and we now have sex about 4-5 times a month...I just don't like it...and feel like our sex life is all about reaching climax...and I really am starting to feel used...he blurted out to me early on that his only expecations of me as a wife were "cleaning and sex" ....basically he wants a maid and a prostitute...

This kind of attitude has spilled into other areas of our life...communication, life together in the house...I feel like he wants things the way he wants them when he wants them. We are both very strong willed people and this makes it hard when you have disagreements...I feel a lot of times he turns situations around to blame me for them...or try to make me feel guilty for whatever...I refuse to accept the guilt and say "its not my responsibility"

We have had a rough time and it feels like we have about 1-2 days when we don't fight...we both are at our wits end...emotionally I feel I have left the relationship...I don't feel loved and don't feel cherished...I feel like he can be so controlling sometimes and I am so scared to give up any dad was very controlling/abusive towards my mom...and even though my husband would never physically abuse me...I still feel I am going to lose control.

I admit and accept that I have my own "issues" that I have carried into the relationship....I have a temper and have said very hurtful things to a way of getting back at him for hurting me/controlling me...I do not have the tools to fight fair or to know how to commuincate in a way that I am being heard....

We both are fed up with the relationship and are ready to start seeking separation...we treat each other as we hate each other...there is no love in the relationship and feel there is no hope for going forward...I feel I have lost respect and trust of him and he the same for me...

To make matters worse...I have no friends to confide in and to help me...I feel I made a huge mistake in marrying him...and feel there is no way out...I feel stuck in a miserable marriage...
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Old 2nd August 2004, 05:55 PM   #2
Join Date: Feb 2000
Posts: 1,115
marriage feels like it is falling apart

You really do seem to be in a very unhappy situation. Is there anyone in your husbands church that you could go and talk to, or a counsellor you could visit together.

Try looking in the Mariage Clinic at the internet and cybersex section where there is info about dealing with pornography.

Keep in touch


Last edited by Kate; 10th August 2004 at 12:55 PM.
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