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Old 1st February 2003, 11:08 PM   #1
Joyce50
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Marriage problems

Don and I have been married a little over a year. I have had 5 surgeries since we got married. I told him of my health problems when we met. He has been un empathetic about my surgeries. His communications skills are very poor. He is 46 I am 50 and we both have been married before ( he 3 times , me 2 times )
We have been in counseling with a Pastor and his wife from our church, this helps. We both see a therpist and on ocassion Don comes with me to see mine. My therpist feels Don is very immmature and has many problems. :-(
If I were not a christian ( Don is also) I would have given up on this marriage months ago. But I know Satan goes about robbing , killing and destroying and I know he does not want this marriage to succeed. Which makes me fight all that harder.
Don is verbally abusive, although he does not see it as that. I have cried till I can't cry anymore, ( I am on antidepressents) He works for the railroad and has a cushy job where he gets paid whether he works or not and only gets called to work about 1 time a week , this puts us together all the time. This has not helped. He does not understand that when he is mean and nasty it drives me away. He is a very needy person. Even when he is on the road with his job he wants me to hang on the cell phone for unlimited amounts of time. He claims when there is nothing to talk about that me wanting to hang up means I don't want to talk to him. I just can't see walking around with the cell phone glued in my ear for hours on end. Don had been an addict some years back ( alcohol and drugs) but my therapist told me he is still displaying addictive behaviors even though he is not using. She suggested I go to AL ANON to help me with my feelings and be able to better cope with Don's behavior. I guess I just need some feedback from those who understand what I am going through. I have pplaced Don in God's hands and told Him " he is your problem, please fix him." I know I am far from perfect but I have been through years of theraphy to get through a tough life and I do recoginize all the problems I am facing. Talking to Don is almost impossible his anger flares too quick. I was married for 20 yrs till he left me for another woman because of my health problems. So I learned a lot about working through problems through those years. Even though I have had 5 surgeries in the past year( 1 back surgery, surgery on discs in my neck, a serious foot surgery, knee surgery and a breast reduction to help with my back and neck problems ) and have had long recovery periods of course Don is very upset that I haven't been much up to lovemaking. Of course perhaps if he romanced me and hadn't forgotten my birthday again this year that would help my feeling loving. I had breast reduction surgery 3 weeks ago and Don goes around complaing that he gets no sex. ( my therapist and I feel Don had sexual addiction problems during all his adult life ( Don just told me about this about 4 months ago) Nothing has been normal or easy since we got married. I am not a hard woman to love or live with. HOnest. I was in love with someone before I met Don. He treated me like a queen and I had no trouble treating him like a KING. We broke up because he had some personal issues that had nothing to do with me.
Don thinks I am just plain frigid and selfish and think of no one but myself. I do love him I Know he has great potential with God at his side. I am starting to think he may be bi polar ( I am going to talk to his dr Monday about this ) This would explain so much about Don.
How do I get him to get a clue about how to treat a woman and how to love a me? Everytime I start to feel loving and think just maybe it will end up in lovemaking , Don opens his mouth and says something so hurtful it drives me away. I have had many abandoment issues in my life so it doesn't help when he threatens to leave the marriage once a week!!! Why do I want to get close to somenone that threatens to leave me all the time??
Can you suggest a good site that will help Don get a clue about marriage and how to make a woman feel loved? I am desperate. We have had great things prophesied over us about A ministery God has for us as a couple but if the marraige ends this will never come to pass. I don't want to miss out on what God has for us
Don didn't do anything for my 50th B'day last Jan and he didn't do anything for me this JAn for my B'day!!!! He claimed " I didn't know where we were with money .) Although in the week preceeding my B'day he spent almost $200 on himself. {SIGH}
I am so terribly frustrated. Well I am done rambling. Hopefully there are folks out there can help suggest sites or ideas that will help us.
God Bless all of you!!!!!
Thanks in advance!!!
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Old 3rd February 2003, 07:53 PM   #2
Kate
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Join Date: Feb 2000
Posts: 1,115
Dear Joyce,

It's good that you have your pastor supporting you and access to counselling. From what you have said your husband has a lot of issues to deal with and you've had a fairly tough life yourself.

You ask where there is a site that can show your husband how to treat a wife well.

There are some good books such as the Five Languages of Love and His Needs , Her Needs, that might be of help. You could read them first and see if he is willing to. From your posting I can hear that you are longing to be shown love and tenderness.

If you look in the Basics Relationship Skills area on the site, there may be some articles you could print out for him. The other possibility when you have completed your counselling is to go on an enrichment weekend. (If you're in USA, some of these programmes like Marrioage Encounter operate there too.) They are about building strong marriages and the couples who lead them are good role models - perhaps the way they relate may encourage your husband to think about what makes a marriage go well.

If you are really concerned about addictions and depression then you would be wise to seek some information about suppport groups like AL Anon.

I wonder if you are aware of the support groups available for carers and spouses of those suffering from bi-polar disorder.
http://www.gtonline.net/community/mindinfo/bipolar.htm has a list of local Bipolar Disorder support groups in the UK - there may well be somethign similar in USA. It also has a list of symptoms too. The UK national umbrella organisation's details can be found here:
http://www.doh.gov.uk/mentalhealthcontact/index.htm
The web site for the Manic Depression Fellowship is at http://www.mdf.org.uk.

In the end you can't change your husband - only God can. You can pray for him. And you can ask God to show you any way you can learn to find more of your security in Him, so you can find the strength to love your husband through his faults and problems.

I hope this has given you a few ideas to explore to give you some hope for the future.

Best wishes

Kate
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Old 3rd February 2003, 11:52 PM   #3
Joyce50
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Posts: n/a
marraige repair

Dear Kate,
Thanks for your reply :-)
We have His needs Her needs on tape :-) We ahve listened through once but I believe we need to continue listening until Don "gets it ."
I have not yet purchased the Five Languages of Love.
But I will. Thanks for the websites. I will ck them out.
This morning Don and I had a long talk and he did admit he thinks he is physically addicted to Vicodin ( he is taking for an undiagnosed chronic pain problem we are currenlt trying to diagonse) he admitted that he needs to go back to AA and probable Narcotics Annoymous. I have every plan to call Al Anon tomorrow and find out where the meetings are and when and will begin going. I am commited to seeing this thorugh as long as he is willing to seek help to end the destructive behaviors.
He has even gotten into my purse and taken my morphine and oxycontin that I take for chorinc pain problems. He at least admitted this to me. He said " if you love me you would give me all I need." I signed a Narcotic agreement with my Dr and part of that contract is I will NOT GIVE THE DRUGS TO ANYONE ELSE, I know this includes my husband. Yet he continues to beg me for my narcotics and my muscle relaxers ( I have fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome and severe back pain due to degenertive arthritis) He does not see that this is taking much needed medication from me. Also his railroad job forbids the use of any drug that can alter brain function. He took one of my muscle relaxers and I did not know he also took 2 Vicodin until after the fact, he was drugged and out it for 10 hours and would have been in terrible trouble if he had been called out to work.
He continually emotionally manipulates me over the drugs and tells me I am a terrible wife and I do not love him because I refuse to give them to him and I am so sick of it and it makes me feel very resntful. :-(
I have begun hiding the drugs in different places every day ( we have a large house thank goodness)
A Bi-polar dignosis has yet to be proven but I am going to pursue this.
I feel so blessed to have found our site. I know God brought me to it :-)
I will keep you updated if you would like.
Did I tell you I am a nurse? This helps me greatly to understand exactly what is going on pplus I have been in therapy since 1983
not because I am so totally screwed up but because I have had so much crisis and trauma in my life. I went on social security disability in 1995 after getting ill everytime I tried to work. I know how much work Don has to do to change but I also told him this morning that he will only get through it and heal and destroy the destructive behaviors if he gets into the Word and gets where he had been two years ago with the Lord and continues in theraphy( which by the way the therapy centher we go to run by the Assembly of God so it is all christian based therapy ). Don was saved in the 80's I was saved in 1973.
We go to a fabulous church( about 3500 memebers and growing very fast and we have a fabulous pastor.) It is a non denominational spirit filled church. On the pentecostal side.
I don't know if you have heard of Joyce Meyers or Ceflo Dollar, Kenneth Hagin., Kenneth Copeland/ Benn Hinn, jesse Duplantis. These are some of the ministeries we follow on TV and many come to teach at our church. Well I guess I am done filling you in on a little more about us. I am a very open person. After so manyyyyyy years of theraphy I know you have to just keep at it for things to heal and get better. I am far from perfect and know I have issues and am working on them 1x a week in theraphy on top of seeing the pastoral couple at our church 1x a week. I told my hubby this morning we can get through this and it will gte better if we just put all of it in the Lords hands and work on our marriage everyday. Don has never had a functional marriage ( 2 only lasted once year ( he married the day after his second divorce ) his 3rd marraige lasted 10 years with the birh of 3 kids now 18, 16, 14 his 16 yr old daughter is pregnant and due next month. They live in Arizona. MNay of Don's neices and nephes have real probems I suspect one neice is Bi polar. His mom is a SWEETHEART
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Old 3rd February 2003, 11:55 PM   #4
Joyce50
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
marraige repair

Dear Kate,
Thanks for your reply :-)
We have His needs Her needs on tape :-) We ahve listened through once but I believe we need to continue listening until Don "gets it ."
I have not yet purchased the Five Languages of Love.
But I will. Thanks for the websites. I will ck them out.
This morning Don and I had a long talk and he did admit he thinks he is physically addicted to Vicodin ( he is taking for an undiagnosed chronic pain problem we are currenlt trying to diagonse) he admitted that he needs to go back to AA and probable Narcotics Annoymous. I have every plan to call Al Anon tomorrow and find out where the meetings are and when and will begin going. I am commited to seeing this thorugh as long as he is willing to seek help to end the destructive behaviors.
He has even gotten into my purse and taken my morphine and oxycontin that I take for chorinc pain problems. He at least admitted this to me. He said " if you love me you would give me all I need." I signed a Narcotic agreement with my Dr and part of that contract is I will NOT GIVE THE DRUGS TO ANYONE ELSE, I know this includes my husband. Yet he continues to beg me for my narcotics and my muscle relaxers ( I have fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome and severe back pain due to degenertive arthritis) He does not see that this is taking much needed medication from me. Also his railroad job forbids the use of any drug that can alter brain function. He took one of my muscle relaxers and I did not know he also took 2 Vicodin until after the fact, he was drugged and out it for 10 hours and would have been in terrible trouble if he had been called out to work.
He continually emotionally manipulates me over the drugs and tells me I am a terrible wife and I do not love him because I refuse to give them to him and I am so sick of it and it makes me feel very resntful. :-(
I have begun hiding the drugs in different places every day ( we have a large house thank goodness)
A Bi-polar dignosis has yet to be proven but I am going to pursue this.
I feel so blessed to have found our site. I know God brought me to it :-)
I will keep you updated if you would like.
Did I tell you I am a nurse? This helps me greatly to understand exactly what is going on pplus I have been in therapy since 1983
not because I am so totally screwed up but because I have had so much crisis and trauma in my life. I went on social security disability in 1995 after getting ill everytime I tried to work. I know how much work Don has to do to change but I also told him this morning that he will only get through it and heal and destroy the destructive behaviors if he gets into the Word and gets where he had been two years ago with the Lord and continues in theraphy( which by the way the therapy centher we go to run by the Assembly of God so it is all christian based therapy ). Don was saved in the 80's I was saved in 1973.
We go to a fabulous church( about 3500 memebers and growing very fast and we have a fabulous pastor.) It is a non denominational spirit filled church. On the pentecostal side.
I don't know if you have heard of Joyce Meyers or Ceflo Dollar, Kenneth Hagin., Kenneth Copeland/ Benn Hinn, jesse Duplantis. These are some of the ministeries we follow on TV and many come to teach at our church. Well I guess I am done filling you in on a little more about us. I am a very open person. After so manyyyyyy years of theraphy I know you have to just keep at it for things to heal and get better. I am far from perfect and know I have issues and am working on them 1x a week in theraphy on top of seeing the pastoral couple at our church 1x a week. I told my hubby this morning we can get through this and it will gte better if we just put all of it in the Lords hands and work on our marriage everyday. Don has never had a functional marriage ( 2 only lasted once year ( he married the day after his second divorce ) his 3rd marraige lasted 10 years with the birh of 3 kids now 18, 16, 14 his 16 yr old daughter is pregnant and due next month. They live in Arizona. Many of Don's neices and nephews have real probems I suspect one neice is Bi polar. Several are on medication. I have never seen such a Large disfuctional family!!! His mom is a SWEETHEART and we get along great. She assures me when Don is in the word and living for the Lord he does great.
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Old 4th February 2003, 03:02 PM   #5
Kate
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Join Date: Feb 2000
Posts: 1,115
It was so good to hear you had been able to talk with your husband and that you have such good support through your church.

Do keep in touch.

Best wishes

Kate
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Old 29th July 2003, 08:07 AM   #6
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Posts: n/a
Re: marraige repair

Quote:
Originally posted by Joyce50
Dear Kate,
Thanks for your reply :-)
We have His needs Her needs on tape :-) We ahve listened through once but I believe we need to continue listening until Don "gets it ."
I have not yet purchased the Five Languages of Love.
But I will. Thanks for the websites. I will ck them out.
This morning Don and I had a long talk and he did admit he thinks he is physically addicted to Vicodin ( he is taking for an undiagnosed chronic pain problem we are currenlt trying to diagonse) he admitted that he needs to go back to AA and probable Narcotics Annoymous. I have every plan to call Al Anon tomorrow and find out where the meetings are and when and will begin going. I am commited to seeing this thorugh as long as he is willing to seek help to end the destructive behaviors.
He has even gotten into my purse and taken my morphine and oxycontin that I take for chorinc pain problems. He at least admitted this to me. He said " if you love me you would give me all I need." I signed a Narcotic agreement with my Dr and part of that contract is I will NOT GIVE THE DRUGS TO ANYONE ELSE, I know this includes my husband. Yet he continues to beg me for my narcotics and my muscle relaxers ( I have fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome and severe back pain due to degenertive arthritis) He does not see that this is taking much needed medication from me. Also his railroad job forbids the use of any drug that can alter brain function. He took one of my muscle relaxers and I did not know he also took 2 Vicodin until after the fact, he was drugged and out it for 10 hours and would have been in terrible trouble if he had been called out to work.
He continually emotionally manipulates me over the drugs and tells me I am a terrible wife and I do not love him because I refuse to give them to him and I am so sick of it and it makes me feel very resntful. :-(
I have begun hiding the drugs in different places every day ( we have a large house thank goodness)
A Bi-polar dignosis has yet to be proven but I am going to pursue this.
I feel so blessed to have found our site. I know God brought me to it :-)
I will keep you updated if you would like.
Did I tell you I am a nurse? This helps me greatly to understand exactly what is going on pplus I have been in therapy since 1983
not because I am so totally screwed up but because I have had so much crisis and trauma in my life. I went on social security disability in 1995 after getting ill everytime I tried to work. I know how much work Don has to do to change but I also told him this morning that he will only get through it and heal and destroy the destructive behaviors if he gets into the Word and gets where he had been two years ago with the Lord and continues in theraphy( which by the way the therapy centher we go to run by the Assembly of God so it is all christian based therapy ). Don was saved in the 80's I was saved in 1973.
We go to a fabulous church( about 3500 memebers and growing very fast and we have a fabulous pastor.) It is a non denominational spirit filled church. On the pentecostal side.
I don't know if you have heard of Joyce Meyers or Ceflo Dollar, Kenneth Hagin., Kenneth Copeland/ Benn Hinn, jesse Duplantis. These are some of the ministeries we follow on TV and many come to teach at our church. Well I guess I am done filling you in on a little more about us. I am a very open person. After so manyyyyyy years of theraphy I know you have to just keep at it for things to heal and get better. I am far from perfect and know I have issues and am working on them 1x a week in theraphy on top of seeing the pastoral couple at our church 1x a week. I told my hubby this morning we can get through this and it will gte better if we just put all of it in the Lords hands and work on our marriage everyday. Don has never had a functional marriage ( 2 only lasted once year ( he married the day after his second divorce ) his 3rd marraige lasted 10 years with the birh of 3 kids now 18, 16, 14 his 16 yr old daughter is pregnant and due next month. They live in Arizona. MNay of Don's neices and nephes have real probems I suspect one neice is Bi polar. His mom is a SWEETHEART
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