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Old 14th June 2004, 07:17 AM   #1
confusedHusband
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What's wrong with me?

I can't help but think that there is something wrong with me. Let me give a little background and then I will share my confusion with you.

BACKGROUND
My wife and I started dating in '97 and we had a very good relationship. Sure we had our fights but we always got over them. The thing I appreciated the most about my wife was the fact that she spoke her mind. Even if it ticked me off she said what she had to say, we argued and then we got over it. We had a really good relationship. Even the sex was good. She was semi-willing to try new things but I never tried to force her into doing anything that she was uncomfortable with. However, one thing that she absolutely refuses to do is talk about sex. She always seemed to enjoy it but I could tell something was missing. She never reached her climax. I have asked and asked what I could do to make it better. I was willing to try anything. I mean anything. But she would never tell me what she liked. She was so uncomfortable talking about it.

Anyways, we got married in 2000 and the sex became less and less frequent. Had a child in '03 and our intimacy came to a dead stop. When our child was conceived I could name the exact day that it happened because that day was the only option in a four month span.

Now, I can't blame all of this on her. After we were together for a while (cant remember exactly how long into relationship maybe in '99) I became comfortable with her. Too comfortable. I began focussing on my job (as I had just started a new company) and my schooling (still in college). We grew farther and farther apart as she was working 50+ hours a week.

Over the course of the next few years I pushed her away. She wanted to cuddle - I said NO. She wanted to make love - I said NO. The only thing I can attribute my actions to is childish ignorance. I have a beautiful lady wanting to be close to me and I discard this gift as if it was the wrapper of a $0.50 candy bar. What was I thinking?

Well she stuck with me and I guess she toughened up. She stopped trying for intimacy. It was around 2002 when I started wanting more out of our relationship. Again my ignorance shows up and I expect her to just be able to twist the love nozzle back to the on position and things would be back to the way they used to be. When I finally do start trying she is very cold and very distant. She lets me know that I did this to myself and she is scared if she opens up again she will just get hurt all over again.

So for the past couple of years I've been trying a lot harder. I've remembered holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. I tell her that I love her at least five times a day and I try my best to show her that I do. I help with our child. I have made a sincere attempt to get close to her again. I knew this would not be an overnight task but I feel that I've been patient.

CURRENT QUESTION/DILEMA

Over the past few weeks I've made a sincere attempt to initiate intimacy with my wife. Evertime, (i'll list a few examples later) my attempt is met with sarcastic comments and an attitude that totally turns me off. I'll give you two examples of this so you can see what I'm doing wrong and how I can fix it.

Number 1
We were going to go out with some friends later that evening and my wife had taken our child and gone swimming with a friend. She was going to drop our kid off with my mom and come home to relax for a while before going out. Shortly before she got home I was preparing. I had cleaned most of the house and put her favorite potpouri on the stove. I had picked some wildflowers and made a trail of them from the outside door to the bedroom door. In the bedroom was a room adorned with scented candles (more than 20) and a freshly made bed. I was also running her a bubble bath. When she arrived home (seemingly refreshed) she looked down and said "Who dropped the flowers?" She made her way into the living room and saw that they continued into the hall then she glanced over at me and said "You think you are going to get some don't you? I didn't say anything even though this bothered me. She took a few more steps and made a similar comment about getting some (even though she swears that she only said it once). She opened the bedroom door, saw the candles and said "You think you're slick don't you?" I bit my tounge again. I went up behind her, wrapped my arms around her hips and started kissing her on the neck. She pushed off and said she needed to use the restroom. Fine! After about five minutes I hear her saying something to the effect of it being her time of the month. Nothing else was needed. If it wasn't dead already - That killed it - DEAD!!!!

Afterwards when I told her how I felt she said "What did you expect? Me just to jump in the bed and have sex with you! That is no different that you saying to me 'Lets do it!'." Honestly, I expected her to come to me and hug and kiss me. Without saying a word; I expected us to be in the bed (w/in a matter of seconds) enjoying each other.

Number 2
10:30 PM Wife is lying in bed so I get under the covers. Have small talk while I cuddle up to her. I rub her back and neck and start to kiss her neck and shoulder. No response; so I ask if she is too tired and she says she is. I hold her a little longer, kiss her goodnight and roll over so she can sleep. 45 minutes later both of us are still awake, she rolls over and puts her leg on top of me in a hinting manner. I try to kiss her but she turns her head b/c she don't like to kiss. I kiss her neck and rub her back but this tickles. I know she don't like me to move directly to the private areas but she won't let me touch anywhere else. I kiss her breasts and rub her crotch. She says I'm not doing her breasts right, grabs them and won't let me touch them again. Still rubbing although she doesn't seem to enjoy it in the least. I ask her to tell me what to do. She states "I can't tell you what I like, I can only tell you what I dont like." Fine! I've tried everything that she used to like (that she will let me do to her) so I tell her that I will do anything if she would just tell me what it is. She looks at me like I just slapped her and called her a WHORE. At this point I'm just dying to do something right (and to give her one ounce of pleasure) so I reach for her panties to begin intercourse. She gives me the same look and informs me that she has to use the bathroom. Once again - DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I broke down to tears this time. I tried to tell her how I felt and she told me that she was worried about me. SHE THINKS I'M CRAZY!!

When I try to talk to her about it she gets very defensive. She says that I'm making too much of it. I MISS THE INTIMACY. I know that our passion of our dating days is gone but is passionate love making once a week too much? I'd be happy for now with just once a month. If I kept my mouth shut I could have sex with her probably a couple times a week but if I just wanted to get off I'd fly solo. I want it to be where both of us try desperately to please each other. I want the gazing into each other's eyes and the passionate kissing.

This has helped just getting this out of my head and onto the keyboard. But basically I want your opinions on the following:

1) Are my expectations reasonable?
2) Am I being too selfish? or making too much of this?
3) What can I do to help my situation?
4) What will hinder or hurt my cause?
5) Any other opinions you have to offer.
6) WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?
7) Please pray for me and my wife!!!!!

Thx - confusedHusband
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Old 14th June 2004, 12:07 PM   #2
Kate
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Join Date: Feb 2000
Posts: 1,115
Re: What's wrong with me?

Dear Confused Husband

We women can be so confusing! but you're right that we need to be woo-ed. In fact sometimes we just need to be held with no agenda! That will sound tough in your situation where nothing is happening.

I suspect that your wife is feeling very hurt and threatened by physical intimacy. Do you think you need to ask her forgiveness for the mistakes of the past?

Where the threat of intimacy comes from, I'm not sure, but she obviously doesn't find it easy to talk about sexual things. I wonder if the key is there in enabling her to tell you how she feels about making love.

Does she need to be reassured that you want to make her happy rather than just having sex? I can hear it in what you have written, but does she know it? Especially if her early experiences with you didn't involve full pleasure for her, she may have developed a sense that it's all about you getting pleasure, not her.

I don't know what books you have read but you might like to look here. The Act of Marriage is a good one to look at.

Hope that gives you some ideas to mull over.

Kate
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Old 14th June 2004, 09:57 PM   #3
Claire
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Re: What's wrong with me?

Hello,

Speaking as someone who's been in your wifes shoes I think she probably feels like you don't want to make love to her...you want her to perform. You set the scene and she enters, stage left, and she has to act the part you've written for her and say her lines and she will enjoy it and you will all be happy....only it dosn't quite work like that. I know you were trying with the flowers and all, and for anyone in a happy marriage that would be a really nice touch, but for your wife who probably thinks constantly that she's not working right because she dosn't want to have sex all the time it is just a huge scary pressure and there isn't anything more likely to turn a girl off that pressure. I know it's difficult but try to remember the more pressure she's under the less she'll want to do it, and even after you ease off on the pressure she'll still be very very wary of you and your intentions. Give the girl a break...is there something she does that pesters you?? Me and my husband kind of used humour to get over my stress about sex, we agreed that I'd stop pestering him to take a sicky if he'd stop pestering me for sex...gradually we got back into a normal routine...it's suppose to be fun, you make it to serious and it becomes hard work. Good luck.
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