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Old 15th September 2003, 05:52 PM   #1
Posts: n/a
Unhappy HELP, I married my wifes Father?!?

Ok, are you ready for this; I am only going to give you the facts and nothing else.

I married a pastorís daughter, we attend his church, and we have been married for almost two years now. I am 23 and my wife is also. We have no children and are active members in our church.

There has been a lot of conflict here and there between me and my wifeís dad, mainly because I do things without ASKING him if I should do them. Such as attending Bible College at a church he disagrees with. I told him I was going but I did not ASK him if I should go. My wife was torn between her Dad and me literally. We separated for awhile; this was right before we were married. After Bible College, we did get married; I did not go a second year because I thought I would lose my finance forever. My wife struggled with the fact that her dad would tell her how wrong I was against God and his Church for doing this and began to believe this also. I was in rebellion for going to a bible college at a different church.

While getting ready to marry my wife, before the wedding, there was more conflict. This wasn't Gods timing, we were rushing things, he knew that this wasn't Gods will right now, were just some of the things I was hearing. My wife and I had been courting for 3 years, I felt it was right only to marry her, I had a house ready and a car, plus a wonderful job to support us. But this time, thank GOD, my wife chose to go with the planned date and we did get married.

There are plenty of little situation that have gone on but now here is the big one I am facing now.

My wife and I have been praying and seeking God on moving away from my hometown and relocating into the country. We both agreed and began to seek GOD on this matter. Well about 1 month later an opportunity came up to leave our home town to move a couple hours away and start a new job with a great company. They would give me a 50% increase in salary, which was another thing I needed in order for my wife to stay at home to raise children we plan on having. So everything was great, I had an interview and they wanted me to start in two weeks!

I came home and told my wife, and she said it was time to tell her parents. Well, I did, and as expected I was accused of running away from GOD, abandoning the Church and our Ministry, and Being out of Gods will for my life. But they would still love us of course if we left. Well after it was all said and done, my wife went alone to talk to her dad and when she came back, she began questioning our true purpose for this trip. To make a long story short, it got real bad, she would leave and go talk to her dad everyday and come back yelling and crying that we were doing the wrong thing, we were running away from GOD, my own wife was saying these things, I could not believe it. It shocked and hurt me a lot.

So we had another family meeting and her dad boldly stated that this was not Gods will for our lives and he knows Gods will for our lives, that we would be getting ourselves into trouble and away from GOD.

I am so lost right now, I though I knew my wife, I thought I knew my purpose, I thought I knew GOD, but I am beginning to think I really can't know GOD, I am just a STUPID sheep that can't reason GODS voice from SATANS. That I need to depend on my wifes DAD to know the will of GOD for me. THIS IS all true, I need HELP, ADVICE, SCRIPTURES, PRAYERS, thank you...
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Old 15th September 2003, 09:17 PM   #2
Join Date: Feb 2000
Posts: 1,115

It seems to me there are two things you need to hang onto and bring into this situation.

The first concerns the heirarchy that God has for relationships in marriage. His word is quite clear - "For this reason a man (and the same applies to women) shall LEAVE his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." In marriage your first priority is to each other. As a God-fearing man your father should respect the sanctity of your marriage and allow his daughter the freedom to live her marriage vows in full.

Secondly the concept of running away from God is nonsense!! Firstly take a look at the story of Jonah - he tried and God simply turned the situation around - you can't run away from a God who is everywhere. Still in doubt?? - take a look at Psalm 139, and especially verse 7-18.

Underneath this it seems to me there is a great confusion of roles for your father-in-law - he's trying to be both a father and a pastor. I think you will build a much healthier relationship when you have a different pastor so your father-in-law is freed to be a Dad in a proper, distant, father role.

God bless

Kate is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th September 2003, 03:35 PM   #3
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Its me again....

Thanks for all your comments concerning my present situation.

Yes, my wife, from what I have seen, still believes that the final decision should be made by her dad. Although its only in certain areas and not in others. And I bet you can guess which area that is, our church.

In any decision we make whether it be going out of town for the weekend and of course, missing church, or doing something on a church night that would involve missing church, or something greater such as moving away, that really involves missing out on his church, her typical response is, You need to talk to my dad. That echoes over and over again in my head and I can't seem to get her to realize that we are married now, we have our own relationship, our own Mind of Christ, our own Will.

I have since accepted this offer of course, everyone acted like HELL had taken over our lives, being critical and presenting fear and doubt the minute we told them(Her Family). My mom was fine, had a peace, but all her family could say is, YOUR LEAVING THE CHURCH??!!! Her sister started crying because the one thing that bothered her was that she would be leaving the church.

Her mother started crying and said this couldn't be of GOD, because it was such short notice to everyone, no-one suspected it or had the change to be told we wanted to move.

Her dad just stated how this wasn't Gods will and He knew GODs will for me and my wife, that knowing Gods will only comes with maturity and He is mature enough to know.

My wife was fine with everything before and after the fact. She only started to begin to question it when she disappeared from our house for two hours and then came back questioning our true purpose. GOD would never let someone leave the church over a job, was one of her arguments. GOD would never have us make such a rash decision; GOD would never pull us away from our ministry, etc...

So, just the other day, my wife and I were in full agreement, we knew that family would disagree, we knew that we would be labeled and called rebellious or we would be "walking away from GOD", getting out from the covering. We knew and still prayed and asked GOD to provide a way out of the control and bless us in another way. For over a month we earnestly sought GOD on this issue and I trusted my wife to be bold on that day when it came. Instead she, I would say, was asked this, Surely did GOD say???, What about this and this. Fear was given to her in the form of, YOU are leaving GOD. She was motivated and she honestly believes that NOW, after I accepted the offer, after we found a place, after we told everyone, including our employers that, SHE prayed wrongly, she shouldn't have asked for those things we agreed on. She realizes now what she wants, and actually thatís a bigger surprise all together.

Her dad told her and I that HE knew Gods will for our life, it was to go to South Africa, really, HE saw it. To with stain from having children and give GOD a year or two overseas. Its a great thing, yes, BUT GOD hasn't told me yet.

NOW my wife insists that this is the TRUE plan of GOD, to go to South Africa, and to wait before we have a family. She says that it must be GOD, because GOD told her dad so. I said, GOD never told me, yet anyway. So I told not to bring it up at church, I must let you know this also, that our church is Non-Denominational, and is only about 30-50 active members. Very small and very close, yes, those who leave are usually labeled rebellious and walking away from GOD, my wife and I knew this and knew it would happen to us.

But she has done a 180 on me; I need to get us into some course or study we can do at home concerning MARRIAGE, its purpose and situations that may come, and our roles in it.

I am afraid to say and do this, but I will not be accepting the offer, although I do see it as an answer. We prayed that the salary would be enough for her to stay at home so we could start a family, and it was, it was 50% more that what I get now. It would have helped us get out of debt far sooner and I would have been a powerful witness for CHRIST, I believe wherever I went.

I must decline the offer now, NOT because I believe GOD has shown me the errors of my way, NOT because I would have been stepping out of GODs will for my life, NOT because I would be running away from GOD, but I must not accept it, NOW, anyway, until my wife has grown and I also. SHE came to a point were she considered almost leaving me because is was to hard to "do something she knew was WRONG". Thatís what she would tell me.

I donít even know what happened to our marriage through this situation; I was blown away by how my wife turned on me and very hurt. I need counsel of course, we both do, BUT I believe the best way for that is not through her DAD, but through prayer of course and some type of study I can buy, we can do at home. Any recommendations are appreciated. I hate to close a door only GOD could have opened but I also realize that if I give up my desire right now for this, that a greater door will be waiting for me. I have to believe that, only because my marriage is so important, and I need to have patience in my wife learning her true role in OUR family now.

Even though I know what would have been alright for me to just go, I can't stand to see my wife hurt as much as she was. Only GOD knew my wife would react this way, and if was just because of "comments made" than GOD only knows what HE has to show my wife now through this. I do believe her eyes will be opened to the selfishness that was displayed by her family, by others in the church, or there hearts will be harden even greater to that fact that GOD was truly lining things up for us, even if it was for a season for my wife and I to grow and her to realize our roles in the marriage.

I must seek GOD now for another door of opportunity, for another chance for my wife to stay at home, to raise our children, another chance for my wife to accept my guidance and not be swayed by others beliefs. Another chance to relocate out of town, which goes a lot deeper than I don't like where I live. My bother murdered a lot of people here to say the least, and is serving a life sentence. There is always a remembrance and a thought of people not accepting you on this basis. I donít use these as excuses to "get away". But feel time to leave. Our Pastor has left many churches in his time and even his family before he started his church out here where I am. For some reason, he don't believe the same for My wife and I, our place is under him, and him alone. Anything else is not of GOD.

I could go on for hours about what I have been through but I will end it here for now, I have told my wife we are not going and she is greatly relieved and thankful. She believes we are "doing the right thing". I did let her know that in GODs timing she would be shown somethingís about this situation that she doesn't understand now. And it didn't have to be this hard at all.
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Old 16th September 2003, 07:07 PM   #4
Join Date: May 2001
Posts: 1,393
Dear JoeSloppy,

Keep praying. If you are not where God wanst you to be, He will show you. Pray for unity of heart with your wife too and for God's order in your marriage and your church.

You wondered abotu study resources There are a number of books and articles here and some courses here. if you're in USA some of these courses are available there.

Kate has already pointed out some of the key issues and soem fo these resources will help you study the bible and discover God's design for your marriage. Together it is possible for you to discover what God wants for you. While there is authority in church leadership, it should be the authority that recognises it is under God and there to serve. It shoudl never come between a believer and their Saviour. Christians should all be encouraging one another to hear from God for themselves, while testign what thye here with those they trust.

May you both know the peace and freedom of serving God together.

Dave is offline   Reply With Quote

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