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Old 26th July 2006, 10:13 PM   #1
blessing
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Question What do you think Christians?

My husband has abandoned me 7 months ago now, when i ask him why he left he just replies with we both know why, I then say i don understand and he says he cant be bothered to go into detail its already past now.

When I think of all the reasons it could be all i can come up with is that we argued a few times (big misunderstandings) but i never cheated or anything like that. He is a christian goes to church and all and i tried for counselling but hew says no and i also get a strong impression that he is not at all interested

I was thinking of divorcing the only thing stopping me is fear that i may never be forgiven by God if i should ever meet someone else in future and remarry.

People have been telling me that i may have to stay single for the rest of my life and if i dont i am outside of Gods will then he wont be able to help me then.


I have tried all i can to save us but i cant do it by myself, I pray to God and tell him I ment my wedding vows and I agree that marraige should last forever but what else can i do. I am 26 years old

any advice please
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Old 26th July 2006, 10:26 PM   #2
Dave
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Re: What do you think Christians?

There is a really good book Divorce and re-marriage in the church which I think you'll find really helpful. It will help you understand your current situation from a clear biblical perspective, and why our God is a God who forgives.

Dave
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Old 26th July 2006, 10:56 PM   #3
Helen
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Re: What do you think Christians?

Blessing,

You could try telling him to 'humour' you. If you honestly don't know why he abandoned you, ask him to spell it out. But, if memory serves, your husband is the one who left because (as far as he was concerned) it was a marriage of convenience. He married you to get into the country and, now that you have served your purpose, he has abandoned you.

I tend to think God and the Church are very understanding. They have to be! Society has changed so much since Biblical times... I am not saying discount everything your friends and advisors are saying but God is good and forgiving. I am sure there will be a way for you to leave this marriage and remarry in the eyes of the Church, untainted. I have no experience with the book that Dave is recommending but it has got to be worth a look. Also know YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON! You were willing to enter into a genuine marriage with this man. He is the one who has forsaken the covenant of marriage becase he is the one who walked away. And he is the one who will have to live with it...

Read the book, speak to more open minded advisors and get on with your life. Do not allow yourself to be stuck in the place you are in because your husband chose to walk away. THIS is the reality. Come to terms with it and move onwards, and upwards...with the support of your church.


Helen
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Old 31st July 2006, 03:54 PM   #4
blessing
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Re: What do you think Christians?

Hi there thankyou for your response


Can I just tell you also that a 3 to 4 weeks ago my husband started calling me on my mobile after completely blanking me for months enquiring about my weekends, it seemed like he missed me or something so i was just friendly but kept the conversation short but i found that after that he would call and ask me questions like "I hope you dont mind if i call you" then i would say "do what you like its up to you" and he kept on calling maybe once or twicw a day until one sunday after noon he called from a witheld number and i would not answer until he opened up his ID i knew it was him all the time but we talked for a few hours then he asked if i would go to the cinema with him, i avoided the question 3 times but as i was about to end the call he asked me again and i said ok.

After we spoke i thought may be he had come around and this was his way of coming back to me. Later on that day he phoned again just to check that i hadnt changed my mind about the cinema I told him no then he replied oh good i am just gettin my hair cut got to make an impression. So again i thought he must be really keen.

We went to the pictures and in all the time i have known him i never saw him so distracted by me i was in disbelief he was paying no attention to the film most of the night he would stare at me and tell me how gorgeous i looked and how he cant keep his hands off , it felt a little strange because during the last 2 years he was the total opposite.
Over the course of the next week or so we were intimate and he told me he wanted to give me all the things that he not given me whilst we were together but still in shock i didnt know how to answer and as this hadnt happened before i gave him the benifit of the doubt and observed his behavior over another week, he kept visiting I even mentioned that my charger for my mobile had broken and by my supprise the next day he had bought me a new one. You might say so what but please understand this new attitude was so out of his character and out of the blue i thought that he had gone away and realised that he was wrong and come to his senses. and so it went on until afew more days went by and i felt quite close to him it was his birthday soon so i took him out and bought him a pair of jeans that he picked himself and a few other things but soon after i realised he wasnt calling me no where near as often as he just did so i decided to asked him what he wanted out of the relationship and why he opened up they way he did only to be hurt as he didnt respond how i would of liked,
he said that he wasnt looking for anything and that i should get on with my life. when i questioned why he got so close to me and why he whispered sweet nothings in my ear then withdrew he replied " in jamaica when a guy likes a girl he would always test her by arranging to meet her then stitch her up and treat her badly" i asked him why and he said because this way you know if that girl really wants you if she sticks around after that . My husband has since asked the councellor to help him but he didnt say he wanted me back we share the same councellor by the way
I told my councellor what had happened and he believes i shouldnt rush for the divorce but that my husband has deep emotional issues that need to be delt with. But it may be a slow process with no guarantee of us getting back together

I was so upset one day i sent him a text message telling him i see how he says and does things to use and get what he wants from people and that my mind is made up about him now because he only used me. and he replied

to let you know how much your text affect me i cut up the jeans and was going to post them through your door with filth all over it but i stopped in the process.

I told this to the councellor and he said just forgive him a person who responds this way has problems and needs help.
I told my H that i would prefer not to communicate with him but
He has since then sent a photograph to my mobile of me and him saying not a bad picture

One part of me wants to divorce and make a fresh start the other wants to see if i should wait and see if there is anything left for me to work on after he gets the help from the councellor to open him up please give me your thoughts honestly and thanks

Last edited by blessing; 31st July 2006 at 04:19 PM. Reason: spelling err
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Old 31st July 2006, 04:45 PM   #5
Helen
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Re: What do you think Christians?

Blessing,

In a way I can understand what he is saying about how things are done in Jamaica. Men do seem to have lots of women around them over there and it does seem to be a cultural thing. Maybe this was something that he observed going on between his parents? That said, your husband doesn't have to play out that stereotype just because that is the way things are done there. He isn't there any more. He is free to make his own choices. He knows he married a Christian woman who has more expectations of him. What is so bad about admitting he loves you - if he does?

I am curious - have you been in contact with the Immigration Services? If you have, that might be a clue to his 'renewed affection' towards you. Perhaps he has received a letter telling him that his position here is not as secure as he thought it was? If you have been to the Home Office or spoken to immigration, I would be cautious in your dealings with him from now on because you don't know what his motivations are. You cannot afford to be sucked into something that might ultimately be damaging to you.

At the same time, I understand your dilemma - what if his actions are actually a cry for help of sorts? I would be honest with him about how you feel. You are not into the games he is playing. If he wants to be a husband to you he should come home and be a husband to you. What you do not want is to feel tormented by the way he switches his attention on and off all the time. The way he is kind one minute and cruel the next. You need him to be straight with you. What does he want from you? Why is he sending you the photos? And, as you say, why is he whispering sweet nothings one minute and then turning his back on you the next?


Helen
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Old 1st August 2006, 09:50 AM   #6
blessing
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Re: What do you think Christians?

Hi Helen I did ask the immigration a few questions and told them the situation at the begining of the year but the pretty much said that once a person has there indefinate leave to remain in the country there is nothing that can reverse that as i was not intoxicated when i got married and my signature was on the application. The only thing they said i could do was try to get the marraige annulled but i couldnt do that either because we had consumated it. So they just said sorry we cant help. I dont think they contacted him.

Today i am going to bring the marraige certificate to my solicitors to start the divorce proceedings but i am wondering if i should wait just alittle longer.

He called me two nights ago asking what i meant when i said he used me he didnt even have a clue after all the conversation we had about it
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Old 1st August 2006, 11:32 AM   #7
blessing
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Re: What do you think Christians?

Hi all

I have been reading alot of other posts and some people say they are waiting on evidence on their partner so i wanted to ask, if you are separated how long should you wait for someone to change their mind and come home , do you wait to find out if that person has cheated, although they say they havent and still dont want to come back how long should one wait and does anyone know of any indicators that tell you when you should be gone or get a divorce even if there is no mention of unfaithfulness. any help
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Old 1st August 2006, 12:34 PM   #8
Helen
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Re: What do you think Christians?

Blessing,

Given that it is now more than 6 months since your husband left, it is probably too late to divorce him immediately for unreasonable behaviour as some of these things are timebound (i.e. You have to file within 6 months of 'discovery' (i.e. him leaving or behaving unreasonably for the last time, or cheating); otherwise the court will view it as you accepting the situation. In that circumstance you would normally have to wait until you have been separated for 2 years). So you may have to wait another year and a bit before your divorce comes through. With that in mind, I see no difference in holding on to the divorce papers for a while - but you may wish to check these details with your solicitor.

In terms of how long to wait, that really is up to you. Your situation is less clear cut than most. In my case, I had the evidence of infidelity before I separated from my ex. This was the case for most of us on the site. The difficulty you would have with infidelity is the fact that you are no longer with your husband. He might argue that you are separated so, technically speaking, he isn't cheating. Although you are married, if he found someone else the courts would not look at it as a factor. It is the things that happened between you when you were together that will be assessed. Even infidelity isn't that clear cut. I am sure courts would consider all the circumstances before making a decision but with infidelity, you also have to file for divorce within a certain time frame.

The problem you have is you don't know why your husband wants a divorce but his behaviour could be said to be unreasonable. Have a chat with your solicitor and think about whether hanging on for a bit longer is worth doing. If you have nothing to lose through doing it, I would consider it seriously. If your husband continues to come and go and give you conflicting messages, then you will have your answer. Perhaps you could speak to your church about how much time to allow yourself and your husband in this situation.


Helen
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Old 1st August 2006, 09:43 PM   #9
blessing
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Re: What do you think Christians?

Thanks Helen i didnt realize there were these timeframes i will chat with my solicitor
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Old 6th October 2006, 12:01 AM   #10
Shasta
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Re: What do you think Christians?

I don't believe in divorce baring adultery or abusiveness. Not to say it could never happen to me . . . Things happen.

But know that there is no such thing as "never forgiven by God"
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