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Old 10th October 2015, 08:47 PM   #1
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Join Date: Oct 2015
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my life is a mess/loveless life

Hi, My story is incredibly complicated so please bare with me. I am not married but am as close to being married as you can get.

I have been with my partner for 12 years on/off, we met when I was 19 and she was 15, our relationship was always tough as she had control issues and I didn't have a great self confidence, we stayed together for the next 3 years although the relationship was never strong, I decided to break the relationship up in march 2004 but not before I had got her pregnant.
I stuck with my decision despite the arrival of our baby boy, we spent the first 18 months of his life getting on for the sake of the baby in a non-relationship basis until she met a new partner, things changed drastically and got nasty, I fought in court for the right to see my child after she made it difficult for me to see him, she also fell pregnant again with her new partner, by the time the baby was born I had acquired court rights to see my child whilst her partner had left her.
We started communicating again after the new baby was born (to be fair I felt sorry for her) after a while we fell in to old habits and decided to give our relationship another go, over time I took on the role as the new baby's father (to which she knows no different today) we then decided to have another child to 'cement' our relationship but even then I knew I didn't love her.
7 more years passed just getting along for the sake of the children. last year I was close to leaving her but we spoke and after a while agreed to try for another child (never learn) the build up to the baby's arrival was a distraction but we seemed to get on again and our relationship seemed stronger, the baby arrived and after the initial chaos of having a baby passed I realised I was once again in a loveless relationship, I don't particularly enjoy her company, we do not crave each others attentions mentally or physically, but I so want to feel love and be in love with someone who loves me back I have never had this.
A couple of months ago a girl at work who I have liked for sometime started showing an interest in me, she was in the process of getting out of her relationship, we text for a while and then we started cuddling and kissing in the quiet places at work, I knew then I had to break up with my partner before it went any further, she was shocked and very upset when I told her, I felt terrible but I had such a strong bond with the girl I was seeing I couldn't call it off, I didn't tell my now ex-partner the real reasons why I broke up though she had her suspicions.
Its now been 8 weeks since we split up, she still wants to get back together and says she loves me and wants our family to be complete, but I don't love her like that, I feel so guilty for what I have put my children through and she is a brilliant mother to them. The girl I am seeing hasn't been the easiest of relationships so far because she is still in the process of removing her ex from her life so it has been very hot and cold, I am in love with her and I know she has very strong feelings for me too, now I am scared that all this will come back to bite me on the arse. obviously I now see my children a lot less than I used to but I don't want to be trapped in a loveless relationship and have lots of regrets when I'm older and at the same time if my new girl doesn't work out I'm scared I'll be on my own.
With the involvement of children I know a lot of the above probably sounds very selfish and I do feel so guilty because of this.
Any advice would be appreciated
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Old 10th October 2015, 10:56 PM   #2
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: my life is a mess/loveless life

David in my opinion you have this all wrong, its not about what YOU want but what your children NEED. I think that you need to think of your children and not yourself. They need a father and mother to be with them all the time not occasionally, and you made the decision to keep on having them and you now have to be a man and be responsible and get back to them. They should be no 1 in your life for the next 15-20 years to be honest and if you didnt want that commitment then you shouldnt have had them.

The new lady clearly isnt ready for another relationship, if she was she would have stopped seeing her boyfriend (there is no reason for her to see him) and wouldnt be blowing hot and cold. Could she honestly deal with you having to spend most of your spare time with your children(which I hope you will be doing and are doing) for the next 15 years and more? Can you afford to pay maintenance for these children as well as look after more if this new lady wants children too?

Think of them, they need you, and they are entirely innocent in this mess. make every effort to work on the relationship with their mother, (why didnt you marry her ages ago?) instead of abandoning her and them. We mistakenly think that if we havent got his all consuming romantic love for our partner then its not real, it is, and when you think how many in the world have arranged marriages and they get on with it, and even if you love her as a good friend and companion that is enough. leaving her to manage alone with 4 small children is not right.

Last edited by chosen; 11th October 2015 at 07:09 AM.
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Old 11th October 2015, 07:24 AM   #3
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Re: my life is a mess/loveless life

Just read this
After all, the grass isn’t greener on the other side - the grass is greener where we water and fertilize it.
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Old 11th October 2015, 09:54 AM   #4
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: my life is a mess/loveless life

It does sound a mess to me. I also think you should be a father in the marriage for the children. She has said that she loves you so you have a home there with chidren to look after. I think your best bet is to make it work by loving her. I know you don't feel that but it is a case of loving her on purpose. You have gone too far to desert her. Feelings will always come and go but our wills can be involved too. In short love your children and love her rather than walking away from something you created.

Last edited by Raymond; 12th October 2015 at 04:37 PM.
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Old 11th October 2015, 04:27 PM   #5
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Posts: 2,076
Re: my life is a mess/loveless life

"now I am scared that all this will come back to bite me on the arse"

You said it pal, you have seen the future, do the decent thing by your partner and your children and stop chasing a fantasy bit of skirt that is quite frankly not as in to you as you maybe think she is, knock it on the head, swallow your pride and go home to the person who does actually love you, there is still time you can re-build and move forwards together as a family, you have so much more than you realise.
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