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Old 10th February 2016, 03:40 PM   #1
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Husband likes giving Blowjobs


I need some advice/guidance and my google searches turn up nothing on the subject. I've been with my husband for almost five years now (married for two) and we're expecting our first baby in April. I adore him and he's always been nothing but a loving and devoted partner, however the last week has been rough.

Recently, I discovered some old emails (long before we were engaged) in which he discusses how much he likes giving blow jobs to older men. The emails are somewhat explicit and often include him exchanging pictures of his penis with men and receiving pictures of theirs to which he comments. This was obviously a shock. I'd never questioned or had reason to question his sexuality before. He was as straight as they came or so I thought. Doing further research, I also came across a number of profiles on a few gay dating websites (none active, I only found them because I know his normal usernames and passwords, plus at this point I was officially digging and went through his browser history to the websites he frequented (again, and thankfully, all before we were engaged)).

I confronted him right away, in a calm manner, since this is a very touchy subject. I didn't want to yell or scream because I wanted him to confide in me everything. If he was gay, I wanted to know, I didn't want him to feel as though he had to hide. Whatever the truth was I wanted to address it right away and figure out a way to move on. I didn't get the truth right away. I got versions of the truth and kept digging, assuring him that I was't leaving and that I still loved him/and viewed him the same way. I finally feel as though I have truthful answers.

Here's his explanationand I'm being somewhat explicit here in an effort to get the best possible feedback I can from all you lovely people)

When he was fifteen his best friend, out of nowhere, went down on him. This shocked him and made him uncomfortable, but we went along with it, eventually giving his friend a hand job. This happened one more time before my husband severed contact. When we was in his very early 20's he began chatting with guys on the internet and he ended up meeting with his first man, an older gentleman in his 50's. They exchanged blow jobs. My husband was never interested in kissing or foreplay with the men, and I do firmly believe this. He described the encounter as showing up, shaking hands, taking off their pants, doing the deed, and leaving. He met with this gentleman twice. There were three other men after this one over the span of a decade, two he met with once and the third he met with about five times, eventually trying anal with the last man, which was hard for me to hear and which he says lasted for all of two seconds with penetration before he forced the man out, confessing to hate it.

I know he never met with any men while we've been together, but in the early stages of our relationship there were a few explicit emails/pictures exchanged. He says he wouldn't call himself bisexual because he's never been attracted to men or interested in having a relationship with one. He is attracted to and enjoys looking at pictures of penises and liked, at the time, giving blow jobs. I believe this simply because when viewing the browser history from the past it was never gay porn he was after but pictures of penises. I asked him to tell me percentages of attraction/how often he veered towards one porn or the other and his answer was 80% female to 20% male.

I've managed to remain calm over this all week. He never expected any of this to come out and I know it's been difficult for him to tell me the truth, which I believe he finally did. He is very patient and answers all of my questions even when I ask him them a thousand times. He always thought if he told me the truth I would leave him.

Has anyone ever encountered a situation like this before? Now that I feel like I finally have the truth and my quest for answers is accomplished, I'm struggling with how to process it all. I know the world isn't black and white and I know sexuality isn't simply about one side verses the other, but then this is my husband. Our sex life has always been amazing and I don't doubt that he wants and is attracted to me, but I feel like my foundation with him and the things I thought I knew for certain have been rattled. I do believe that in time I'll come to terms with everything and it won't seem like such a monumental hurdle, but right now it's all I can seem to think about.

He assures me that he never wants to do it again. It was something he did in his single, carefree days and that that period is over, but inside I still have doubts. Any guidance/thoughts/perspectives are greatly appreciated!
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Old 10th February 2016, 07:31 PM   #2
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Re: Husband likes giving Blowjobs

Does he still look at porn now? Of either sex?
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Old 11th February 2016, 10:23 AM   #3
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Re: Husband likes giving Blowjobs

When you have been exposed to situations like you describe some of it can stay with you depending on the person. I was brought up in different orphanages and was sexually abused by the housefather for a period of a year or so. At 16 I was sent to a hostel with all boys. One of the boys there was the son of a millionaire shipbuilder and spoke with a clipped accent. He slept in our dormitory and one night whilst talking his hand drifted to my crotch. For some reason I didn't resist it. Maybe a pathway had already been made through the previous abuse. I don't know. He seemed to light up and we went to the bathroom and he did something, a few minutes in all. When he left the hostel he went to a better place where I once visited him and he suddenly went down on me for a minute just like your husband. I didn't know what to think and left and never saw him again. In my early twenties when I was very lonely I had another short similar experience with someone I met. I was kind of disgusted and don't know why I allowed it. I know I am not a homosexual but pathways seem to have been made. My friend who was also abused at the same place was more unfortunate and suffered from homosexual feelings for years.

When I became a christian I faced up to what had happened and over a period of time I managed to cut all ties with it within my sexuality and became literally disgusted with it and remain so to this day. I am very happily married by the way.

I think a pathway had been made through his young friend. Sometimes if you are close a soul tie can be made which makes you more vulnerable to it. The fact that he continued with it shows that something happened and he allowed it to develop. My friend who was abused said the housefather was a nice man, whilst I was rejoicing that he had been caught. His relationship made him more vulnerable I think.

It is good that he says he is finished with it but that should include all online stuff which would continue to feed it. That should include female porn as well really as that is mental adultery, but one thing at a time. In your husbands situation he would need extra help. What he has done is part of the homosexual scene and he has opened himself to a part of it in the past which can be difficult to dump without self discipline and dare I say it God's help depending on what the struggle is to get free of it. When you have been exposed to situations like you describe some of it can stay with you depending on the person. It is good that he says he is finished with it but that should include all online stuff which would continue to feed it. In your husbands situation he would need extra help. What he has done is part of the homosexual scene and he has opened himself to a part of it in the past which can be difficult to dump without self discipline and dare I say it God's help.

Last edited by Raymond; 11th February 2016 at 12:24 PM.
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Old 12th February 2016, 12:05 PM   #4
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Re: Husband likes giving Blowjobs

Hi Jess, I am truly sorry you find yourself in this situation, it must of been a terrible shock for you to find that your husband has "opened the batting for both teams" so to speak, or put another way that he has " dropped anchor with both Martha and Arthur", in his time, personally to quote Harold Steptoe "I have always been a straight crumpet man" but I guess it takes all sorts, also, when you say "my husband severed contact" I presume you mean emotionally ?, but not in the John and Lorena Bobbitt sense of the word ?, as that could be both very painful and messy all at the same time and no man wants to lose his Hampton do they ?, this sort of thing is bound to leave a nasty taste in the mouth and I feel for you, the only piece of advice that I can offer to you is simple, we all have a past and none of us are perfect it would be nave for anyone to summise that their partner had not had some sort of sexual previous experiences and it really is best not to probe, whether that be man and woman, man and man, woman and woman, man and sheep, that said I wish you well and I sincerely hope that you find both peace and clarity with this revelation, good luck.

Last edited by ralfgarnett; 12th February 2016 at 07:37 PM.
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