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Old 31st August 2013, 07:09 PM   #1
davej
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wife left me for a woman

Help and advice please, i have been happily married for nearly 10 years and with my wife for a previous 10. I was told recently that she loves me but is not in love with me.She said she hasnt loved me for 2 years which came as a shock even my mother in law cannot believe it.At the same time she told me she was in love with someone else, a woman.We have 2 children aged 10 and 15 (who has learning difficulties) she has moved out and is now living with the other woman whom she has known for a total of 2 months.She met her through becoming a ladies football team manager , when she asked me if she should do it i backed her all the way.
The eldest is living with me and the youngest lives with her when hes not in way then she brings him here.Im so confused , hurt and so are my children .
Please help i dont know what to do :-(
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Old 31st August 2013, 08:25 PM   #2
chosen
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Re: wife left me for a woman

dave that's tragic. She is making a massive mistake, and its pretty certain that her new relationship will end in tears but that's no comfort to you of course. Poor kids, to be abandoned like that must be so hard. Its probable that she has been seeing this lady for a long time, hence the lies that she hasn't loved you for 2 years. They all say that, and they all say that 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' nonsense when they meet someone.

She does need to take her share of parental responsibility, so you will need to ensure that she does that, even if it through a solicitor, and that is for BOTH children . Maybe if the other lady sees the reality of having 2 children, one of whom has learning difficulties, she may change her mind about wanting to be with her.

Dave, do you have anyone you can talk to and who can give you that regular support? We can help you here by listening, and giving advise that we think may help, but that's not usually quite enough.
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Old 31st August 2013, 09:06 PM   #3
toellandback
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Re: wife left me for a woman

Hi Dave.
If you can bear with me , I can share a story with you. It may help , it may not. Hopefully there is something you can take from it.
My first wife and I , ten years married, four lovely children, but we were so young. I was 18 my wife a year younger when we married. My wife developed severe epilepsy soon after our first child was born. I worked full time , cared for her , helped with the children. My mother in law died around the same time, cancer. I watched as my wife fell to pieces in front of me. I was no man then , just a boy, didn't cope well. All I did was try to pretend it wasn't happening.
Long story short, my wife left me for a woman. My sister in laws sister !! Boy that was hard , my wife gay ??? Surely not. Truth is my wifes lover surrounded her with a circle of people I could not break through. Got myself in all kinds of trouble.
We divorced two years later. Today my ex wife has three more children by a man she has been married to for 15 yrs.
She says today that it was because she loved me so much and I wasn't there that she needed to be away from men altogether. It wasn't that she was secretly a lesbian. Simply that she associated her hurt with a man, me.
Some years later she professed her love for me and does till this day. My children did suffer , but they never lacked love. Be there for them.
I could never go back , but its worth noting that she came back , just a little late. I hope something in this helps. Any questions please let me know Dave
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Old 31st August 2013, 10:02 PM   #4
chosen
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Re: wife left me for a woman

I think that Barry has a point Unlike what society will tell you, I dont believe that people can change from being hetrosexual and being with a man for 20 years, to suddenly being gay. Its just not going to happen. Maybe she thinks that her life with this lady can be easy, child free. lazy and peaceful. She is abdicating her responsibilities and commitments and that's very very selfish. I hope that she comes tot her senses before its too late, and she looses her children and her husband.
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Old 31st August 2013, 10:15 PM   #5
davej
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Re: wife left me for a woman

many thanks for advice and kind words.We are still friends but i dearly and truly love her , i have even told her that you can never go to far to come back.She as taken all her clothes but as left numerous items that she says she will collect in future but doesnt know when.She has since told me shes not a lesbian but has fallen in love with a woman , says she doesnt look at woman like that and prefers men ?!To make matters worse she has told me im a wonderful man and a great dad its just that she doesnt love me anymore. She and new partner put pictures on facebook of them arm in arm and kissing. she has now closed her facebook account because she didnt want to get grief off people !so as you can see im confused. She has been told by regular lesbians what will happen ie family turn back on her (not happened) , people will think shes having a midlife crisis etc..and she believes everything they say. Just to add hal a dozen of her new friends are policewomen who think men are vile creatures and she has started to talk like them as if shes been a lesbian for 30 years or more , just adds to my confusion.
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Old 31st August 2013, 11:35 PM   #6
chosen
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Re: wife left me for a woman

A lot of lesbians dont like men, and of course that wont help her attitudes. Its troubling to hear that police women have such terrible attitudes towards men as well. They will no doubt try and turn her more away from you, and brain wash her into being man haters like they are.
She is really fooling herself by denying that what she doing is acting like a lesbian. I mean what is living with a person and having a physical relationship with them if it isnt that?

IT may be advisable actually for you to have the children full time anyway. I mean would you want then spending much time with women like that? What in earth will they pick up form them?
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Old 31st August 2013, 11:50 PM   #7
toellandback
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Re: wife left me for a woman

I'm telling you Dave, these ppl will poison her mind. I've seen it. Experienced it. If you believe in you , stay honest, stay strong. I guarentee things will change. But does take time
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Old 31st August 2013, 11:55 PM   #8
davej
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Re: wife left me for a woman

Im not homophobic in any way and i do know some lesbians who have brought up healthy and "normal " children. However i do agree with the brain washing thing happening. I have lost my job through all of the stress and worry , i have a mortgage to pay and am not entitled to any benefits until the family tax credits run out in a month ! also since she as left she a has got her self well paid job which she starts in a week i am feeding the children with handouts and yet shes spending what little money we have on food for her and her new partner who incidentally has a job ! The worst of it as well is she said her new love reminds her of me when we first met !!
i dont know what to do or say anymore !!

Last edited by davej; 31st August 2013 at 11:57 PM. Reason: missed part of post
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Old 1st September 2013, 12:05 AM   #9
chosen
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Re: wife left me for a woman

You need to get legal help asap to ensure that she pays maintenance for the children and maybe also to pay towards the mortgage if the house is in joint names. If you need benefits then she will be forced to contribute by the govt. You may need to close the joint account if she is spending all your money.
If they both have well paid jobs, then they must support you if you have the burden of looking after the family. Its unbelievable that she is so blind to what she is doing by not even helping you financially.
Did you not get sick leave with your job Dave?

The citizens advise bureau may be a good place to start if you live in the UK.
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Old 1st September 2013, 07:46 AM   #10
davej
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Re: wife left me for a woman

No i did not get sick leave and was told that my head wasnt straight so i couldnt concentrate , id only been there just 3 months (trial period) and they couldnt support me so had to let me go. I dont hate my wife i still love her dearly.But i know this isnt her , she was always kind , generous , loving , always thinking of others and would always put the children first. As ive said she is the total opposite now , her new 2 month known friends are now her best friends and all her old friends dont mean anything to her anymore.
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Old 1st September 2013, 10:54 AM   #11
chosen
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Re: wife left me for a woman

That's why you need some good advise to make sure you and your children get financial support. Maintenance isn't counted against benefits so you wont loose out.

She may come to her senses, but in the meantime think of the kids. If you have a child with special needs you may be able to get a carers allowance.

Please please get good legal advise. She has to be made to contribute. Have you told her that she needs to pay towards the child and the house?
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Old 2nd September 2013, 11:00 AM   #12
ronnoco
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Re: wife left me for a woman

[QUOTE=She was always kind , generous , loving , always thinking of others and would always put the children first. As ive said she is the total opposite now , her new 2 month known friends are now her best friends and all her old friends don't mean anything to her anymore.[/QUOTE]

It's amazing what an affair does to a person. I've seen this happen myself and have heard the same many times online and in books.

People who were once lovely, become selfish. They only think of themselves and do anything to justify their actions. They become like junkies. Their brains are producing chemicals which are off the chart making them believe they are "in love" but usually, as we all know it ends in tears. I'm sure there will be a point where she comes crashing down to earth.

Question is, would you be willing to forgive her and take her back? - look at how she is treating you and the kids...it's terrible!
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Old 2nd September 2013, 11:47 AM   #13
davej
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Re: wife left me for a woman

Yes maybe i am stupid but i will forgive her , but not forget. As long as my children are happy my feelings are secondary.I am trying to hold everything together for my kids and myself and must admit i finding it very hard !
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Old 2nd September 2013, 01:41 PM   #14
ronnoco
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Re: wife left me for a woman

You're not stupid, you just love her and you want the best for your family, no shame in that at all.

Sometimes people do make some terrible mistakes. I'm always reading in the papers how some marriages can be stronger if they can survive an affair. Maybe it does happen a lot in the real world, I don't know?

I feel for you, I know it must be really tough. Hang on in there but make sure you are getting the money you are legally entitled to. use the CSA calculator to work out how much your wife should be paying you. If needed, go to the CSA as like you said, for you it's all about the kids.
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Old 2nd September 2013, 03:50 PM   #15
chosen
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Re: wife left me for a woman

If the one who is cheating is really sorry and repentant and does all they can to build up the trust again then there is hope. I have known couples who have gone on to have good marriages, but I cant help thinking that it could never be quite the same again.
When there are children its even more important that their needs come first. Its almost certain that she is heading for disaster, but how long that will take to happen no one knows.

ronnoco is right, in that you need to now make sure she is paying towards the childrens upkeep and also help toward the mortgage if the house is in her name. You have to get good professional advise on that.
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