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Old 23rd February 2013, 01:58 PM   #16
melissaellen
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Re: Desperate for advice

I cannot thank you enough for your kindness & advice
I am not only smiling on the outside but also in my heart that now i see a glimmer of hope.

I will be certain to let you know how things are going, i wish i could somehow re pay you for your help time and advice.
Melissa x
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Old 23rd February 2013, 06:54 PM   #17
chosen
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Re: Desperate for advice

Melissa Ihope that it works out. Let us know how things go.
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Old 24th February 2013, 10:43 AM   #18
Raymond
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Re: Desperate for advice

Glad you got to that place Melissa. We all have to catch the little foxes that destroy the fruit of the vine at times. Song of Solomon 2:15.
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Old 3rd March 2013, 12:11 AM   #19
melissaellen
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Re: Desperate for advice

Good Evening everyone.
Just a quick update, found out today that my husband HAS been having a affair.
Have just spent the entire evening talking to the lady involved.
Melissa x
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Old 3rd March 2013, 05:48 AM   #20
chosen
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Re: Desperate for advice

Oh dear melissa I am so very sorry. Please talk to us if you need to.
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Old 3rd March 2013, 01:41 PM   #21
melissaellen
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Re: Desperate for advice

Thank you.
I have not slept, eaten, or told anyone.
I have not seen him yet he will be home tomorrow morning.
Needless to say i feel devestated and that i do not know what way to turn.
Its not my nature to be revengfull i also do not want to forgive quickly my trust has been totally destroyed. i want to go to bed and not get back out but i have my girl who needs care 24 7 how can i explain to her about this? she is severly autistic she is 9 but has the mind of a 4 year old.
I dont mean to sound desperate or rely on anyone but i need help.
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Old 3rd March 2013, 04:03 PM   #22
Forever
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Re: Desperate for advice

Maybe you can help us out here...how did you find out, and to what extent was the affair ongoing? Are they still "involved"? This is important because it should determine the direction that you may want to take next.
So sorry for your pain...but try to keep the two issues separate...your daughter is one issue which will not be resolved because she is what she is and needs you...but your husband is the issue that needs tending to NOW.
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Old 3rd March 2013, 06:14 PM   #23
chosen
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Re: Desperate for advice

Have you got a close friend or relative who you can talk to?Wecan help here as much as we can, but to have someone in person is better.

How did you come to speak to the other lady. Has it been going on all the time that you have been married?
Being that you have only been married a year, its hard to see how he can be trusted again isnt it.
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Old 3rd March 2013, 06:26 PM   #24
1aokgal
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Re: Desperate for advice

Hi Melissa..

Really sorry for your pain. Please do NOT make decisions based on what you are told by the OW because that source will lie. She has an ax to grind and may want the man to leave his family. She will help you scoot him out the door, right? Discount 90% of what you are told there. She is not the source you need to hear from. I would seek elsewhere for the truth. He may not tell you the whole truth either, but go by what is in your heart.

It would be helpful to know whow you discovered this and talked to her. I went through similar many years ago as others here have as well. Do not make hasty decisions and keep emotions calm. throwing a big hissyfit confrontation wioth your husband is not always the best way to approach this. Think about your best scenario and keep emotions in check to think rationally what you want to happen.

A one year marriage and he cheats does not show a lot of promise. That one year time should still be in the glow of being together. I wonder if he has the character to be in a marriage. It seems he came along as your rescuer, and then betrayed you. That dynamic can be repeated over and over if you put your trust too quickly and you are in need. The time may be you that you need to depend on your own ability. I hope you are close to family who can give you a network for a time, if this has blown away. Stay, and unless he is a changed man, that behavior may repeat. Maybe you need to go back to school or get some good job training and depend on your own work for a time.

You might laugh if you saw me sling my (then) husbands' bags out the front door of the apartment door into the hallway. I think the neighbors eyes were glued through the peepholes at that drama! I can laugh about it many years from that time today. It was a good decision for me to offload the guy. It was not the first time around for a discovery he had another life. I was done. I had a decent job and no tolerance for infidelity. It worked for me to file for divorce and that with two small children. Many couples can work through this OW issue. A marriage survives and can even be improved. So keep it cool and talk it through before making irreparable decisions.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 3rd March 2013 at 06:37 PM.
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Old 3rd March 2013, 08:33 PM   #25
Raymond
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Re: Desperate for advice

Hi Melissa. We are all very sorry to hear this.

We understood that he finished the online stuff and you were then closer.

Had he finished this affair or was it still happening when you discovered it?. How did you find out about it?

As Forever says our advice would depend on the circumstances but from what we have heard he has betrayed you and the trust has been broken. Mostly this will end a marriage apart from where there is real repentance and a desire to totally restore the trust. If he has hidden this from you up to the present time then it doesn't bode well. Whether he finished it at the time of finishing the online stuff we don't know.

Keep talking. There is good advice on here and we are concerned that you get through this in one piece.
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Old 3rd March 2013, 08:42 PM   #26
melissaellen
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Re: Desperate for advice

she has apparenly known him for a year, they met online with a thing called tagged.
I found out because his car broke down so i let him take mine so he could still go to work as he moved his work stuff he dropped a sim card.
I put it in my phone and sure enough messages from both of them.
Apparenly it lasted a couple of months he stayed there a few times.
They havnt seen each other for 6 months but keep in contact.
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Old 3rd March 2013, 08:58 PM   #27
Forever
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Re: Desperate for advice

Contact has to STOP. So what did you "get" from the OW? Is she willing to keep a distance from YOUR husband, or do you think she sees him as "easy prey" especially now after talking to you?

I think I would sit my husband down and CALMLY let him know that you have all the information that is necessary to call off the marriage unless he is willing to cease all contact with her...get a new phone and stay off the internet such as twitter, facebook and the like. If he is willing to give you his phone each day when he comes home and the monthly log of calls that he makes and receives...you may have a chance to repair the damages. If not, then where does that leave you?

You need your focus and energy for raising your three children...not for playing detective for a husband who fools around. Make that clear to him.

I kind of surmised that that was the time frame that she had been involved with him based on him saying the things he did back then...so at least she is being honest with you regarding that much.
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Old 3rd March 2013, 09:02 PM   #28
melissaellen
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Re: Desperate for advice

Have just spoken with husband
Said he would do whatever it takes to stay here and that we can get through this
I cannot answer him right now
Thank you all for being here for me
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Old 3rd March 2013, 09:15 PM   #29
melissaellen
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Re: Desperate for advice

He told her he was seperated.
He said he is going to call her tomorrow when he gets home in front of me then destroy the sim.
He also said he will never stay away with work again no matter how far he is
All i could reply was you need to understand how much i am hurting
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Old 3rd March 2013, 09:26 PM   #30
melissaellen
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Re: Desperate for advice

I have endured a lot in my life and always been strong and positive
But i cant do this the pain is unbearable
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