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Old 22nd February 2013, 12:55 AM   #1
melissaellen
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Desperate for advice

Hello to everyone who is kind enough to be reading this.
I have to admit i am desperate for advice.
My story is very long so here is the basics.
I was married for 15yrs and have 3 children, However my husband was violent and it got so bad if i hadnt walked away i wouldnt be here now.
That was 5 years ago and after going through horrific times me and the children got safe settled and a new life.
I met the most wonderfull man 2yrs ago who showed me how to trust live and love again we had a wonderfull life my children love him as a dad especially my youngest who is 9 and autistic.He knew our background and helped us through bad times, he promised he would never leave and be with us forever, were totally in love, untill 9 months ago when he said....i dont love you anymore. To say i was in shock was a understatement. I then found out he had been on sites chatting and webcam sites for [ its obvious so i wont say it] he lives with us so i told him he needs to go as i couldnt have that, he promised not to do it anymore if he could stay as it would destroy him to not see kids. This is where i am cut up because we get on brilliant, share everything, he is the best dad, we go out, why would he stay if he dont love me but cares for me when he could easily walk away? i am deeply hurt, my head is a mess,and i dont know what to do. can anyone give me any advice? thank you, melissa x
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Old 22nd February 2013, 09:49 AM   #2
Raymond
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Re: Desperate for advice

You did the right thing to confront Melissa. What he is doing is a diversion of the sexual drive to other women online or on screens. In short mental adultery.

He may well have come into the marriage with this habit already.

As for grounds for seperation I think it depends. If he is adamant and unrepentive of it then it won't really be a marriage. However if he is working to rid himself of the habit for the sake of the marriage and the intimacy you should enjoy that is something else. Only you can judge where he is at. If he wants to beat it you can cooperate with him. There are organisations that help in this.

You could try getting the movie "Fireproof" which features a husband doing porn but comes to repentance and actually smashes his computer up. You could watch it together. It is an acting movie about a marriage problem.

Not saying he is molesting anyone but it would be wise to keep an eye on your children as stepfathers plus porn are high on the statistics for child abuse. I don't want to frighten you but it would be wise to be aware of that.
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Old 22nd February 2013, 11:56 AM   #3
melissaellen
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Re: Desperate for advice

Thank you,
The sites that he used were not hook up sites but thats only the ones i meknow about.
When it came out he said he done it as a diversion a release from reality of life, he works away from home and is only at home 2-3 days a week.
I am wondering if this is my fault because of my past i am quite scared to put all my walls down and i put all my efforts into keeping my children safe and looking after little girl who needs 24hr care.
He does have plenty of places he could go if he wanted too, and i never leave the kids alone.
I am wondering if he is staying because now he isnt doing t the feelings are coming back? i am sure that getting attention and needs met by women that you have no emotional attachment to can block real feelings though i could be wrong.
Thank you so much for talking to me i am very gratefull and has lifted my spirits telling someone.
Melissa x
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Old 22nd February 2013, 01:53 PM   #4
Raymond
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Re: Desperate for advice

I have two things to say Melissa. First is whenever we have heard that phrase "I love you but am not in love with you anymore" there was always a third party involved in the end. i.e. another woman (or man if a woman). I hope I am wrong but the pattern seems pretty consistent.

I am wondering if he is staying because now he isnt doing t the feelings are coming back? i am sure that getting attention and needs met by women that you have no emotional attachment to can block real feelings though i could be wrong.

You are right in that flirting or porn can block real feelings towards one's wife. In the case of porn the normal sexual drive is being diverted to others on a screen. An emotional affair can have the same result. Him staying doesn't necessarily mean he has stopped his habits. Many will go on two timing for years whilst still living with their spouse. You need to get some discussion with him going about this to find out what is going on. That is much better than second guessing.

I wouldn't blame yourself for this. Many do this because they can. There is not a valid reason always although I suppose that if a wife is withdrawing from sex then the man can be open to more temptation than normal although nothing ever justifies it. I don't know if that is your problem or not Melissa.



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Old 22nd February 2013, 04:03 PM   #5
chosen
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Re: Desperate for advice

Melissa are you actually married?
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Old 22nd February 2013, 04:58 PM   #6
melissaellen
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Re: Desperate for advice

yes we are married its our anniversary on wednesday
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Old 22nd February 2013, 07:46 PM   #7
melissaellen
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Re: Desperate for advice

Thank you Raymond & Chosen,
I feel much better now i have spoken,i am quite sure he hasnt met anyone but then i was sure he would never hurt me.
Since i found out he has been bringing his laptop and phone indoors something he had stopped doing.
Relate said we had concentrated on us being a family and forgot about us as a couple, we had one appointment.
I would forgive and love him deeply but on the other hand i dont want to waste years on loving someone again to not have it in return.
Melissa x
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Old 22nd February 2013, 08:20 PM   #8
chosen
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Re: Desperate for advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by melissaellen View Post
Thank you Raymond & Chosen,
I feel much better now i have spoken,i am quite sure he hasnt met anyone but then i was sure he would never hurt me.
Since i found out he has been bringing his laptop and phone indoors something he had stopped doing.
Relate said we had concentrated on us being a family and forgot about us as a couple, we had one appointment.
I would forgive and love him deeply but on the other hand i dont want to waste years on loving someone again to not have it in return.
Melissa x
Only time will tell if he is prepared to stop what he was doing Melissa.I think its very likely that he was doing this long before you met. Obviously you cant know what he does when you arent there and he is away. I think you need to make it clear that if it carries on you will need to leave. He seems to be focusing all of his emotional and sexual energies on other wome,n and not on you, so no wonder he thinks he has lost his love. However they do say the honeymoon period stops after 2 years so it maybe that he is wanting more 'excitment', but that isnt real life and he needs to know that.

Has he been married before? What is his past?
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Old 22nd February 2013, 08:44 PM   #9
melissaellen
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Re: Desperate for advice

Yes he was married before it lasted 12 yrs untill he came home early from work one day and caught her in bed with his best friend he found out it had been going on for over a year.
He gave up his home and job to be with me and kids and said he had never loved anyone like he did me.
I never had any reason of doubt before.
Sometimes i see the love still in his eyes which is making this so hard, before he said he didnt love me anymore we really were soulmates.
Melissa x
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Old 22nd February 2013, 09:16 PM   #10
Raymond
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Re: Desperate for advice

I wish I could have more hope here Melissa but if he is saying that he no longer loves you and is doing this stuff on the internet etc. it is hard to hope. It must be either them or you. What does he want to do? You cannot live like this. There is at least mental adultery going on here.

When you say that since you found out he has been bringing his laptop indoors from the car can you explain what that means?
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Old 22nd February 2013, 09:49 PM   #11
melissaellen
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Re: Desperate for advice

Yes sorry Raymond i should explain better.
When he was doing what he was he would never bring his laptop indoors when he got home from work he always used to keep his phone on him and on silent.

Now since finding out the laptop and phone both come indoors.
He says i can check them if i want but i cant do that.
When i ask why he does it he says he is really trying to get me to trust him a bit more as he took all my trust away.
Also it feels like he is back as before when he done what he did it was like living with a stranger.
He didnt talk smile or want to join in with anything.
Now he smiles talks and takes us out like we used to.
Melissa x
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Old 22nd February 2013, 11:00 PM   #12
melissaellen
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Re: Desperate for advice

Also forgot to say and not sure if it contributes to his behaviour or not but 3 months before he started doing what he was i had to undergo a radical hysterectomy.
It was either have the operation or suffer.
He was very upset on the day and told the nurse that he had spent his life finding me and was now going to loose me to soon.
He looked after me and supported me through it all
x
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Old 23rd February 2013, 09:53 AM   #13
Raymond
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Re: Desperate for advice

I would say things are looking up Melissa. It does seem as if he is trying to turn the corner and keeping off this stuff allowing you to check his phone and computer. This means he is being more open. I do hope that is the end of this stuff and that you will be able to enjoy normal intimacy again as a married couple. Have I got it right?
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Old 23rd February 2013, 10:44 AM   #14
melissaellen
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Re: Desperate for advice

Raymond you are so right.
For the first time in nearly a year on monday we were close again.
My last question will be do you think this is worth saving?
Do you think i can turn around the i dont love you?
melissa x
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Old 23rd February 2013, 11:44 AM   #15
Raymond
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Re: Desperate for advice

He does seem to be wanting to restore the broken trust Melissa.

Love isn't just about feelings in a marriage. It is an act of the will as well. He would have made promises in the marriage ceremony that are relevant in a marriage.

Yes I think the marriage is worth saving on the face of it.

As for turning around the I don't love you. That phrase is very common when spouses are straying in affairs, flirting and even porn. These things are like a leak on the intimacy and love in a marriage. I think that what he said could have been coming from the activities he got involved in. His mind was full of illicit thoughts that do kill marital love. Maybe he now regrets what he said. I don't know.

What I do know is that it is up to him to restore your trust in him. Part of that is confirming his love to you. I do not think it is your responsibility to turn it around other than being a good wife. He was the one who strayed. It wasn't your fault.

If he has now stopped this business you will see a change and you already have by what you have said. I know that those words he said will be sticking in your brain but I would leave that until you have a good opportunity to discuss it when you are feeling closer.

Last edited by Raymond; 23rd February 2013 at 11:52 AM.
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