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Old 25th August 2010, 08:27 AM   #16
Raymond
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Re: A future after wife's affair?

From what I have read I cannot see any regret or repentance coming from your wife Chris. Unless that is there you don't really have a marriage just now. If there was repentance she would be working to restore your trust. There is help around as Morcamps has outlined but does she want that?

Raymond
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Old 25th August 2010, 09:19 PM   #17
koliver0821
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Re: A future after wife's affair?

Chris, believe it or not, her not coping is a response to stress. Her running away is the way she handles her problems. its much easier for her to run away then stand up and face the music.

You have a few choices. You help her with this process. If you truly love her and want to help her, you tell her you love her. Your not sure what will happen with your relationship but your willing to try and work things out. The only way we can figure things out is she is willing to talk about it. Tell her that she will feel better once she lets it out.

I know its weird, the darkest days in my marriage were the days that my wife literally laid motionless in my living room. she was practically paralyzed from depression. The next day, she came home after a night out with friends and confessed to the affair. From that day forward, her depression has gotten better and better. She is no longer "running" away from her problems. She thought by separating from me, that she would feel better. What actually happened was the opposite. When she kicked me out, she went into deep depression and realized it wasn't me that caused her unhappiness, it was her.......
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Old 29th August 2010, 01:22 PM   #18
chris1729
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Re: A future after wife's affair?

My wife is currently coming up with lots of reasons why she's dissatisfied with our marriage at present. I told her it sounded like these are the reasons she had the affair in the first place. She has now gone to bed, in the middle of the day.

Perhaps we're getting somewhere.
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Old 5th September 2010, 11:53 PM   #19
chris1729
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Re: A future after wife's affair?

Mischief has been happening at our house.

An egg thrown at the window, some plants destroyed then, on Friday, sattelite cables cut and two tyres punctured which will cost us a couple of hundred at least.

We've never had these kind of problems here before and, as this idiot of a bloke is still harassing my wife, I suspect it's him, or possibly his wife.

Fantastic.
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Old 7th September 2010, 01:08 PM   #20
Raymond
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Re: A future after wife's affair?

This is getting very messy now Chris. Obviously the wife has reason to be angry with your wife. If it is the husband then you could tell his wife. She will not be happy that he is still pursuing your wife.

It is not really clear to me whether you have your wife's repentance. This is very important if the marriage is to prosper. If you cannot trust her and she has no intention of regaining your trust then things do look bleak.
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Old 8th September 2010, 10:00 AM   #21
arcos
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Re: A future after wife's affair?

Chris

Just read your story.

Telling you something you want to hear is not going to help!

I have been through what you have gone through and can tell you that it is IMPOSSIBLE to forget BUT you CAN forgive!

In fact your SHOULD forgive... Forgive for your own sanity first. Which ever way it goes it will help you!

Once you have forgiven then it is up to HER to start making an effort to make the marriage work. Do not be the only one trying! It will drag you down and you will lose self esteem very quickly until you are rock bottom.

I believe in forgiving, it worked for me, it just didn't work for my marriage.

If you love her then do what you can to make it work just not at the cost of your own sanity!
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Old 8th September 2010, 01:01 PM   #22
Raymond
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Re: A future after wife's affair?

Forgiveness does release the person who forgives but will not always restore the relationship if there is not repentance. Accepting the adultery without the repentance could possibly make one a doormat and no marriage can operate properly with that. I would say that forgiveness cannot be received by the other person without his/her repentance.
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Old 3rd June 2011, 02:58 PM   #23
chris1729
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Re: A future after wife's affair?

Well, here we are more or less one year on.

I've been dwelling on the affair for the past few weeks, mainly because it's almost the anniversary of when I found out about it (the second time) and I'm remembering the disruption it caused to me at work- and that disruption is revisiting me now.

I told my wife I'd been thinking about the affair and that I really needed to know why it happened. I told her a couple of theories (the fact that I have two kids from a previous relationship or maybe she just needed some hot sex and I'm not the guy for that.) She didn't answer about the first and said it wasn't the second. Then she clammed up and went to bed (in the middle of the afternoon.)

Of course, if she can't tell me why the affair happened, I'm going to start making up my own reasons- 'cos that's how minds work. My imagined reasons will probably be wrong, but I'll have nothing else to go on.

Ho hum.
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Old 3rd June 2011, 03:55 PM   #24
chris1729
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Re: A future after wife's affair?

I'll tell you what, it's been quite interesting re-reading this thread, particularly the posts written last August when my wife was unable or unwilling to discuss the affair at all.

We had some counselling after that, but I felt it was going nowhere and suggested we stop, though I thought at the time we may need to resume. The problem was, it was becoming a bit "cosy."

I really feel that the first key thing is an answer to these key questions:

Why did the affair start in the first place? (October - December 2009.)

Why did the affair resume in January 2010?
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Old 3rd June 2011, 06:01 PM   #25
Raymond
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Re: A future after wife's affair?

Maybe she doesn't know why she had the affair but she was being unfaithful. No reason would actually justify an affair. It is adultery and normal grounds for a divorce. She knew it was wrong at the time one presumes but still went ahead until it was too late and the soul tie took it's affect. This will have been extremely messy to you and her. If she cannot see that it is wrong where is the future?

It appears that you have still not had her repentance which does show a lack of respect to you. Okay the marriage needs to be worked on and one can always do this, but doing adultery would set everything back and put the marriage into extreme danger. It doesn't fix any perceived problem in a marriage, just makes it much worse.

Would you say that she did it on purpose or do you think she has no control over herself?
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Old 3rd June 2011, 10:27 PM   #26
chris1729
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Re: A future after wife's affair?

Well, I can't possibly think she had no control over herself. I think she may also have had some misguided ideas that an affair can actually help a marriage. Well, it certainly hasn't helped ours.
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Old 4th June 2011, 09:33 AM   #27
Raymond
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Re: A future after wife's affair?

Thank you for that Chris. I just wanted to make sure that she wasn't one of those who cannot control their actions and needed a special kind of help.

As it is she has been unfaithful and of course an affair does not help a marriage. Quite the opposite in fact and she should be left in no doubt about this. It would have cut right into the intimacy that you should enjoy together.

The only other thing is the reason why she had the affair. You hinted that it might be part of her belief system but the fruit of this is devastation. Marriage is of such a nature and special intimacy that any behaviour like his will fracture what you have. How can she believe that it is alright. She must know deep down that it is not but just played around.

She doesn't seem to have repented over this and it is understandable that you are troubled over it. You have to treat this thinking as an enemy, not her, and fight it the best you can. Hopefully she will eventually come to repentance and be able to receive your forgiveness but I realise she is not there yet.

Have you thought of checking her reading and internet sites. Sometimes ideas like this are put across on sites that cause devastation to the marriages involved.
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Old 5th June 2011, 08:39 AM   #28
chris1729
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Re: A future after wife's affair?

I tried to talk to my wife about how we're feeling at the moment and it was a total brick wall, so it looks like my only option is to live with the past affair and put it behind us. That's not the outcome I was hoping for, of course, but I'll give it a go.

Obviously, my wife's inability to talk tells me something about her, though I'm not sure what... extreme difficulty in facing up to things?

Perhaps she really doesn't know why the affair happened. Is there anyone on here who's had an affair themselves who'd care to comment?
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Old 5th June 2011, 09:53 AM   #29
Raymond
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Re: A future after wife's affair?

I think the important thing here is repentance. If she is not even sorry about the affair it does kind of put a block on things in holding the marriage back.
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Old 5th June 2011, 01:24 PM   #30
chosen
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Re: A future after wife's affair?

Totally agree with Raymond. She needs to repent, admit that what she did was very wrong and damaging, and also to be willing to answer any questions that you want to ask her about it.
Have you thought about suggesting marriage counselling to her?
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