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Old 16th July 2014, 05:08 AM   #1
SadNBrea
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Question wife won't commit

My wife and I have been having issues for a month now. She has identified several "issues" that have been building up for her, and they finally all came out over the last week or two.

Since being told of all my faults, she has made almost no effort to try and correct the problems, while I have gone out of my way to prove how important she is to me and every issue she brought up ( fair or not) I have taken steps to address.

Now, a month later, she still has me at arms length. She claims to love me, and claims to want to work on our marriage, but I feel it's all lip service. Tonight, she said she has this "feeling in her gut" that's holding her back from committing fully to fixing our issues.

What? WTF is that suppose to mean? We've been married for 3 years, its not like she has to divide if she likes me enough to date or not, I'm her husband!

We have solo and a joint marriage counseling session coming up next week, and I feel my only course of action at this point is to pull away from her. It takes two to make a marriage work, and I feel like im the only one doing anything--and that just kills me.

Should I start ignoring her as in not tell her I love her anymore, stop sitting by her on the sofa, stop giving her little arm rubs and other forms of affection? I get up early EVERYDAY to make her coffee,breakfast and lunch. I make her dinner and do all the house work. Hell, the only thing she does is her own laundry.

Now, granted,I don't work, I'm a full-time student,so I expect to do the household work, but do I do to much for her ? Does she not respect me? Does she not appreciate all I do for her? I've been trying to find a part-time job, and have even turned down two full-time jobs at her urging to make school a priority. I'm thinking that was a mistake.

I love this women more than life itself, but she appears not to share that same level of love for me. Should I start to pull back and just act like an uncaring roommate?
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Old 16th July 2014, 09:30 AM   #2
Raymond
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Re: wife won't commit

I don't know where she is getting this feeling in her gut not to commit or work on the issues. This is fundemental to a marriage. Marriage does need committment. One of the essential ingredients in fact.

Maybe you have become a kind of dogsbody with her earning the money and you the underdog. That would be a very short term view as the point of the study is for you to have a career.

My wife has chipped in and suggests that maybe you say to her I love you and am committed to you and the marriage and you have to decide if you are committed. Without that the marriage is going nowhere.
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Old 16th July 2014, 10:24 AM   #3
chosen
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Re: wife won't commit

Hopefully the counselling will help and identify what is going on.
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Old 17th July 2014, 12:12 AM   #4
SadNBrea
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Re: wife won't commit

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
I don't know where she is getting this feeling in her gut not to commit or work on the issues. This is fundemental to a marriage. Marriage does need committment. One of the essential ingredients in fact.

Maybe you have become a kind of dogsbody with her earning the money and you the underdog. That would be a very short term view as the point of the study is for you to have a career.

My wife has chipped in and suggests that maybe you say to her I love you and am committed to you and the marriage and you have to decide if you are committed. Without that the marriage is going nowhere.
I've said this, may times already. She told last night she's just not sure what's holding her back. I've told her I can't do this buy myself, and deserve a partner that wants to be married. This sitting on the fence thing isnt fair.

I
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Old 17th July 2014, 12:23 AM   #5
SadNBrea
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Re: wife won't commit

Last night, she told me she just wasn't sure. Before I left, I told her I loved her and her family and I deserved she try, I deserved she be honest with me, and that i loved here so much but would walk away from this marriage if she didnt start putting in the effort to try and save it. I then took a drive just to get out of the house last night, and was gone for about an hour. When I got home, she poked her head in the garage and stood by the door as I got out of the car. She made attempt to kiss me or holh me.

By the time I could take my shoes off and let the dogs out, she had just gone upstairs and went to bed. I got pissed at this, and slept in the spare bedroom. Not once did she attempt to ask me if I was OK or if I was coming to our bed.

In the morning, I heard her get into the shower. I actually got dressed and took off in my car. I was hoping she would come downstairs, see I was gone and at least text me asking if I was OK or where I had gone. Nothing. Not a single word from her all day.

I'm just going to stop doing little things for her like make her coffee, fix her lunch or dinner. I don't think she realizes how much I do for her that's way above just keeping the house picked up. I'm hoping she comes to appreciate all I do for her once I stop doing it.
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Old 17th July 2014, 08:36 AM   #6
chosen
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Re: wife won't commit

maybe she tales you for granted? Its hard to see if she is being totally honest here, but I think that a counselor will be able to help you both out. At least she has agreed to have that.
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Old 17th July 2014, 08:43 AM   #7
Raymond
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Re: wife won't commit

I think her saying she doesn't know what is holding her back puts a different light on it. I think she needs to get to the bottom of the problem, perhaps through personal counseling? I think your anger might make it worse. Maybe she has a genuine problem rather than choosing to behave this way and might need a little encouragement?
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Old 17th July 2014, 02:44 PM   #8
SadNBrea
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Re: wife won't commit

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Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
I think her saying she doesn't know what is holding her back puts a different light on it. I think she needs to get to the bottom of the problem, perhaps through personal counseling? I think your anger might make it worse. Maybe she has a genuine problem rather than choosing to behave this way and might need a little encouragement?
We agreed last night to stop talking about it. She feels we're talking in circles ( not sure how since I'm the only one making an effort to fix her issues). We have our first real counseling appointment on Tuesday
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Old 17th July 2014, 07:08 PM   #9
Raymond
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Re: wife won't commit

I hope it goes well. Her being willing to attend the counseling does show that she is needing help in this.
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