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Old 10th July 2014, 06:00 PM   #31
UkGuy
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

I'm starting to feel a little anger after thinking about things because it does seem she is having her cake and eating it. I want to talk to her soon, maybe Sunday this week and I'm either going to go with these two options:

Option 1: tell her I can't go on anymore feeling like this. I would prefer it if we talk about the children and that's it. I want my house keys back and here are your house keys. Also we need to make an appointment to get my name taken off the joint account. Finally, if you decide you change your mind about things or want to go to counselling together them I am willing to do that???

Option 2: continue as I am, go on this day out with to the theme park her (just us two), do more as a family and hopefully she will start to want to be with me???

I also don't want to hurt the children so I don't know what's best for them either? Only the other week when I was cuddling my little girl she said "I wish you and mummy would get together" could I cried right there and had a lump in my throat. Must be so hard on them too

Any other suggestions would be good but as you know my aim is to get her back? I'm hoping option 1 would make her think "I might lose him for good" and "he might meet someone else", and what life without me is really like as it's never happened before. I'm hoping she will then come round and would want to start dating again and taking things slowly...
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Old 10th July 2014, 06:22 PM   #32
Raymond
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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Originally Posted by chosen View Post
Raymond I agree that its not wrong to have separate interest and hobbies etc, and thats why I asked what his wife did when she went out. Its one thing to have a game of tennis or go to an exercise class, but its quite another for a group of women to go to pubs or clubs, where they will be meeting guys. Also I would be interested as to whether these other women are single or married.
I don't disagree with you about that.
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Old 10th July 2014, 06:38 PM   #33
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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Originally Posted by UkGuy View Post
I'm starting to feel a little anger after thinking about things because it does seem she is having her cake and eating it. I want to talk to her soon, maybe Sunday this week and I'm either going to go with these two options:

Option 1: tell her I can't go on anymore feeling like this. I would prefer it if we talk about the children and that's it. I want my house keys back and here are your house keys. Also we need to make an appointment to get my name taken off the joint account. Finally, if you decide you change your mind about things or want to go to counselling together them I am willing to do that???

Option 2: continue as I am, go on this day out with to the theme park her (just us two), do more as a family and hopefully she will start to want to be with me???

I also don't want to hurt the children so I don't know what's best for them either? Only the other week when I was cuddling my little girl she said "I wish you and mummy would get together" could I cried right there and had a lump in my throat. Must be so hard on them too

Any other suggestions would be good but as you know my aim is to get her back? I'm hoping option 1 would make her think "I might lose him for good" and "he might meet someone else", and what life without me is really like as it's never happened before. I'm hoping she will then come round and would want to start dating again and taking things slowly...
My take is to go on this date to the Theme Park and maybe a few more dates then make a decision on what you want to do. It seems that you haven't been out on your own with her that much since you broke up so it's kind of a new venture. You should get a sense if she is playing you around or not. Say go on three dates and re-asess the situation. If you still feel the same then go with Chosen's plan.
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Old 10th July 2014, 08:42 PM   #34
UkGuy
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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My take is to go on this date to the Theme Park and maybe a few more dates then make a decision on what you want to do. It seems that you haven't been out on your own with her that much since you broke up so it's kind of a new venture. You should get a sense if she is playing you around or not. Say go on three dates and re-asess the situation. If you still feel the same then go with Chosen's plan.
It's not a date as such it's going out as "friends". How would I know if she is playing me or not?
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Old 11th July 2014, 09:57 AM   #35
chosen
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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Her friends I know of are all married with children although her best friend who she sees often is going through a rough patch as she thinks her husband is cheating so I'm told.

I know some of them don't like me and I wouldn't be surprised of she talks to them about "us" and have their comments about the situation. I just hope she is telling me what she is thinking and not what they are thinking.
Well they probably dont like you because of what they have been told about you. When they go out where do they go?.
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Old 11th July 2014, 10:07 AM   #36
UkGuy
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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Well they probably dont like you because of what they have been told about you. When they go out where do they go?.
They don't like me from when we were together as when my wife would come back from days out with them and something they would say to her would make her upset or when they would arrange to meet and cancel on her etc so I guess I was over protective and in term they could sense I didn't like them and in turn they didn't like me. Plus the fact the way I was had some part in that too!

I'm not too sure what she does as I don't get involved as it nothing to do with me but just in to bars and meets for coffee etc with her friends.
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Old 11th July 2014, 10:19 AM   #37
chosen
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

Quote:
Originally Posted by UkGuy View Post
I'm starting to feel a little anger after thinking about things because it does seem she is having her cake and eating it. I want to talk to her soon, maybe Sunday this week and I'm either going to go with these two options:

Option 1: tell her I can't go on anymore feeling like this. I would prefer it if we talk about the children and that's it. I want my house keys back and here are your house keys. Also we need to make an appointment to get my name taken off the joint account. Finally, if you decide you change your mind about things or want to go to counselling together them I am willing to do that???

Option 2: continue as I am, go on this day out with to the theme park her (just us two), do more as a family and hopefully she will start to want to be with me???

I also don't want to hurt the children so I don't know what's best for them either? Only the other week when I was cuddling my little girl she said "I wish you and mummy would get together" could I cried right there and had a lump in my throat. Must be so hard on them too

Any other suggestions would be good but as you know my aim is to get her back? I'm hoping option 1 would make her think "I might lose him for good" and "he might meet someone else", and what life without me is really like as it's never happened before. I'm hoping she will then come round and would want to start dating again and taking things slowly...
After a one year separation I think you def need your own bank accounts and to be able to have privacy in your own homes.
I think you need to explain that emotionally you cant go on like this much longer, that it is taking its toll, and that if she isnt going to come back at this time there are a few things that will need to change.
Dont give her a massive list, but start with a few small things such as the bank accounts and the keys. If she asks what the hurry is, just tell her that you cant cope with the constant worry and indecision any more, that you you feel in limbo, and that you need to know where you are.

How is she ever going to have any idea of what it will be like as a single mum if she still has all the advantages of being married without the commitment? Including your income to do with as she likes? If she stays away, all she will have from you is maintenance for the children. You are sort of supporting her single life at the moment.
Then after a while longer, you can mention a few more things such as cutting the contact between you etc and you not running to help her out with things all the time and so on. Make sure she knows that if she wants to return and get counselling together you are willing. As you gradually allow her to feel what being single actually means, she will either want to come back or will decide to remain that way, but at least you will know where you are and can plan the future accordingly.

As I said relate do phone appointments which may be cheaper. I do know people who have been helped by going there. Otherwise there will be other counsellors you can find near you. Look them up on line.


Go to the theme park. There is no harm in that but why not begin to do more with just you and the children? Take them to places on your own. Maybe agree on a more structured set time when you see them rather than you babysitting while she goes out on the town.

I wish some of the others here would come on and speak to you, because some of them have had to do this 'enabling their wives to see what its like to be a single mum' thing and it often works.

You can always try writing this all down in a letter to her. I honestly dont think anything will change until you do something yourself. Why should it? She is happy the way things are. All the benefits of being married while living the single life.
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Old 11th July 2014, 11:14 AM   #38
UkGuy
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

After a one year separation I think you def need your own bank accounts and to be able to have privacy in your own homes.
I think you need to explain that emotionally you cant go on like this much longer, that it is taking its toll, and that if she isnt going to come back at this time there are a few things that will need to change.
Dont give her a massive list, but start with a few small things such as the bank accounts and the keys. If she asks what the hurry is, just tell her that you cant cope with the constant worry and indecision any more, that you you feel in limbo, and that you need to know where you are.


***She isn't living off my finances it's just she's using our joint account as her own bank. I just need to take my name off the account and I spoke to her last night about it and she was very down about things and she agreed to get this sorted next week.

I do need to tell her again how this is effecting me as the only thing she is concerned about is that I'm only willing to cut contact because I want to be with someone else(this is not true), It's almost like she doesn't believe me when I say how hard this situation is on me.


How is she ever going to have any idea of what it will be like as a single mum if she still has all the advantages of being married without the commitment? Including your income to do with as she likes? If she stays away, all she will have from you is maintenance for the children. You are sort of supporting her single life at the moment.
Then after a while longer, you can mention a few more things such as cutting the contact between you etc and you not running to help her out with things all the time and so on. Make sure she knows that if she wants to return and get counselling together you are willing. As you gradually allow her to feel what being single actually means, she will either want to come back or will decide to remain that way, but at least you will know where you are and can plan the future accordingly.


***Apart from the finance part I agree 100% and need to put something in motion asap. I may speak to her on Sunday about this.



As I said relate do phone appointments which may be cheaper. I do know people who have been helped by going there. Otherwise there will be other counsellors you can find near you. Look them up on line.

***im not sure how they can help me. I'm on here to ask and receive advice for my situation as it's hard to make the right decision. Once I know where I stand (either way) I will move forward. I'm not ruling out counselling but I would only do it as a couples things.


Go to the theme park. There is no harm in that but why not begin to do more with just you and the children? Take them to places on your own. Maybe agree on a more structured set time when you see them rather than you babysitting while she goes out on the town.

***what benefit do you see from going to the theme park with her? I know it's idea but do you think it's beneficial?

I do take the children out on my own most weekends so that's not a problem. There is also have huge problem which I haven't discussed yet and need to know what is the correct thing to do! My wife works 12hr shifts either 7am starts or 7pm starts twice a week. Her rota is monthly and her ****s are random. To this date I have been working around her for when I have the children and do the school run if required. If I do decided with no contact what is the correct thing to do in this situation, shall I still continue to work around her or do I ask for set days to have them regardless if she can't find additional child care??



I wish some of the others here would come on and speak to you, because some of them have had to do this 'enabling their wives to see what its like to be a single mum' thing and it often works.

***although I do really appreciate yours and Raymond help on this it would be nice to have more opinions on my issues.



You can always try writing this all down in a letter to her. I honestly dont think anything will change until you do something yourself. Why should it? She is happy the way things are. All the benefits of being married while living the single life.

***agree because nothing has really changed that much, maybe a bit more interest in me but in terms of her finding out what it's really like to be "single" then no it hasn't. Maybe I will write a letter to enforce what I may tell her very soon...
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Old 11th July 2014, 11:40 AM   #39
UkGuy
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
After a one year separation I think you def need your own bank accounts and to be able to have privacy in your own homes.
I think you need to explain that emotionally you cant go on like this much longer, that it is taking its toll, and that if she isnt going to come back at this time there are a few things that will need to change.
Dont give her a massive list, but start with a few small things such as the bank accounts and the keys. If she asks what the hurry is, just tell her that you cant cope with the constant worry and indecision any more, that you you feel in limbo, and that you need to know where you are.

How is she ever going to have any idea of what it will be like as a single mum if she still has all the advantages of being married without the commitment? Including your income to do with as she likes? If she stays away, all she will have from you is maintenance for the children. You are sort of supporting her single life at the moment.
Then after a while longer, you can mention a few more things such as cutting the contact between you etc and you not running to help her out with things all the time and so on. Make sure she knows that if she wants to return and get counselling together you are willing. As you gradually allow her to feel what being single actually means, she will either want to come back or will decide to remain that way, but at least you will know where you are and can plan the future accordingly.

As I said relate do phone appointments which may be cheaper. I do know people who have been helped by going there. Otherwise there will be other counsellors you can find near you. Look them up on line.


Go to the theme park. There is no harm in that but why not begin to do more with just you and the children? Take them to places on your own. Maybe agree on a more structured set time when you see them rather than you babysitting while she goes out on the town.

I wish some of the others here would come on and speak to you, because some of them have had to do this 'enabling their wives to see what its like to be a single mum' thing and it often works.

You can always try writing this all down in a letter to her. I honestly dont think anything will change until you do something yourself. Why should it? She is happy the way things are. All the benefits of being married while living the single life.
It's easier to reply as above when writing a reply by mobile.
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Old 11th July 2014, 02:29 PM   #40
chosen
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

She may not realise what this is doing to you, but how can she not realize how upsetting and unsettling this is? You dont even know if you will have a wife or marriage after all this.

You have been far more accommodating and patient than I would have been if my husband left me, but then I wouldn't have put up with any nonsense at all.
I am not sure how much longer she will think you can carry on this way, but she does need to know that if she doesn't come back, or if she isnt prepared to have counselling and work on things, you will have to have a life of your own that doesnt include her. That's what happens when a spouses leaves isnt it. I think she may be using this"oh so you have another woman do you" to keep you from changing anything or stopping the many things you are doing for her. Its really quite controlling in a way.

Well, go to the theme park for the kids sakes. I am sure they are looking forward to it.

I cant see that its a bad thing to be looking after the children when your wife goes to work if you can easily fit it in with your own job, but if she doesn't come back she may eventually need to sort that out for herself, maybe getting a child minder who can take them to school etc, or else get a job she can do when they are at school. She cant expect you to fit your life round hers for ever if she doesn't come back.

DO whatever is best for the children, they are the priority now really. I think that letter may be good thing. You can speak from the heart, you can say what you need to with no interruptions, and you can make it clear how badly this is all affecting you. Hopefully she will have more idea then of why you need things to change, and that this limbo situation cant go on forever.
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Old 11th July 2014, 03:34 PM   #41
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

[QUOTE=chosen;79210]She may not realise what this is doing to you, but how can she not realize how upsetting and unsettling this is? You dont even know if you will have a wife or marriage after all this.

***i try and put on a brave face and try to act positive, why would she want to get back with a miserable guy. I guess she's just masked by the whole imaginary other woman waiting for the green light to us to be over for good. I really don't know...


You have been far more accommodating and patient than I would have been if my husband left me, but then I wouldn't have put up with any nonsense at all.
I am not sure how much longer she will think you can carry on this way, but she does need to know that if she doesn't come back, or if she isnt prepared to have counselling and work on things, you will have to have a life of your own that doesnt include her. That's what happens when a spouses leaves isnt it. I think she may be using this"oh so you have another woman do you" to keep you from changing anything or stopping the many things you are doing for her. Its really quite controlling in a way.

***i guess I am accommodating as I want her back and for her to see I'm a good guy but maybe she is taking it for granted but maybe not for long.

Well, go to the theme park for the kids sakes. I am sure they are looking forward to it.

***The theme park is just meant to be me and her, no kids. That's why I was unsure I about things. I want to go but will it help with getting her back? This will be the first time since the spilt with have done anything just me and her. I see it has a big step although she says as "just friends".

I cant see that its a bad thing to be looking after the children when your wife goes to work if you can easily fit it in with your own job, but if she doesn't come back she may eventually need to sort that out for herself, maybe getting a child minder who can take them to school etc, or else get a job she can do when they are at school. She cant expect you to fit your life round hers for ever if she doesn't come back.

***Yes I can imagine if it did end for good and I need want to meet someone this could be quite weird but the kids are my main concern so I'll carry on as I am and continue to be a good dad for them.


DO whatever is best for the children, they are the priority now really. I think that letter may be good thing. You can speak from the heart, you can say what you need to with no interruptions, and you can make it clear how badly this is all affecting you. Hopefully she will have more idea then of why you need things to change, and that this limbo situation cant go on forever.

***the letter is a good idea
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Old 11th July 2014, 06:01 PM   #42
chosen
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

I really hope that she isnt just stringing you along and hasnt already made her mind up on this.

MY husbands ex did this. They were separated for a year, during which he prayed and fasted one day a week for the restoration of their marriage. There was no attempt made by her to work on things, they had no counselling, and when he did get to go back, she had really made her mind up and not long after she met another man and divorced him. As it happened it was the best thing that could have happened, as shortly after that we met and later married, but of course it didn't seem like that for him at the time.

OH OK I assumed it was for the kids that she asked you to go. Well you arent just friends, you are husband and wife, so she cant expect you to be happy with that arrangement. Its either married or not, there really isnt an in between.
There is no harm in going I suppose, but not sure what the point is, and it may be hard for you to be with your wife alone all day just as 'friends' .

I just cant personally see the point of a separation unless its either while 1) the couple work at their marriage, have date nights. have counselling, and generally do all they can to restore their relationship or 2) as a prelude to divorce.
This 'limbo' situation where nothing is happening, and you are sort of married but also sort of single isn't going to achieve much is it?
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Old 11th July 2014, 06:59 PM   #43
UkGuy
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

To me she seems like she really doesn't know from when we spoke, the look in her face etc.

Basically I asked her to go to the theme park for a date but she said she wasn't ready for a date and wants to be single so I said forget it then and then she sort of changed her mind and said she would go but as friends.

I totally agree with you on the limbo and going nowhere but I'm going to say something, hopefully on Sunday.
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Old 11th July 2014, 07:06 PM   #44
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

Bit of an update today: she rings me this afternoon and ask if I'm still going out tonight. She then text 3 hours later and says am I still going out as she going to her friends daughter party with my children but my daughter doesn't want to go so would I have her if I've changed plans and not going out. I message back and say yes I still am going out tonight.
She then rings me 1/2 hour later and say can I come and collect my daughter and have her for 1/2 hour and drop her back home. I say I'm getting ready to go and there won't be much time as I will be leaving shortly. She then has a massive go and me like I don't care and puts the phone down on me!!!

I can't win! Why is she like this? She's made me feel like I'm a bad parent now
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Old 11th July 2014, 07:54 PM   #45
chosen
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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Bit of an update today: she rings me this afternoon and ask if I'm still going out tonight. She then text 3 hours later and says am I still going out as she going to her friends daughter party with my children but my daughter doesn't want to go so would I have her if I've changed plans and not going out. I message back and say yes I still am going out tonight.
She then rings me 1/2 hour later and say can I come and collect my daughter and have her for 1/2 hour and drop her back home. I say I'm getting ready to go and there won't be much time as I will be leaving shortly. She then has a massive go and me like I don't care and puts the phone down on me!!!

I can't win! Why is she like this? She's made me feel like I'm a bad parent now
You need to be firm in this, she is being quite controlling. She is expecting you to drop everything so that she can do what she wants. She needs to know that you have a life as well. You were right to be firm. OF course she was angry, because you are standing up for yourself at last.
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