Marriage In Tatters!

[Roy7up]

Mmm, so who is she suited for? Many have commented that I am good for her - she had calmed down and many friends have put that done to me. In a way, I feel that I'm giving up on her.

[chosen]

Thats your decision in the end Only you can decide whether to carry on trying with a woman who you cant trust and who comes in at 9am after a nights drinking and who knows what else.

[Roy7up]

I hear what you're saying. I don't like it, but I do understand.

[Forever]

I think a marriage should compliment BOTH people in it. People saying how good YOU are for your wife leaves you entirely out of the equation as to whether or not she is good for you too. That you have had sexual needs satisfied with her is NOT the only way a spouse should be considered as being a "good" match for you. There are so many other layers in a relationship to look at too...and looking at this for the long haul, I do not see any stability for YOU. Think back on all the years of turmoil...as you have said, you have put up with things that no one else would have...and what did that net you now for all those efforts?

Having said that, you can make a grand come back and see if that works out for YOU this time...if she still finds reason to reject you, then at least you will then be in prime form to seek out another...so you have not wasted any effort there.

She is suited it turns out, for men who want "experiences" before settling down for marriage...those who have a few "wild oats" to sow. Sorry, but she bends with the wind, and it is disturbing to think that perhaps she always will.

[Roy7up]

Well, Saturday night was long and tedious. I didn't go out so probably made it worse for myself. Knowing they were all less than 5 minutes away, made it all that more unbearable. I guess I bought that upon myself, when I could of seen friends and family.
A couple of mutual friends called me up to say the night went well and my wife was exceptionally well behaved - she didn't get drunk and was a pleasure to be with.
That confuses me.

Why behave now? Has she finally recognised that she may have a problem? Was it because she has finally listened to me? Or, has she really decided to sort herself out, starting with ending her marriage, cutting back on the drink, etc, etc?

I also don't get, why she hasn't reminded me that I still have things left at the house - she is a clean freak, and this is out of character for her!

It all gets me thinking, as she never asked me to leave, did she really want to end it? On Sunday, she was chatting to me via text as if we were sat next to each other.

In other news, significant progress is being made with myself. I look much better, dentist has been booked and I'm eating and injecting properly.
I'm still struggling to do this for myself and, I'm still leaning on the idea that I'm doing this to win her back.

[chosen]

Well no matter why you are doing it its positive.You only have one body, so look after it. As for why your wife is acting as she is, who knows. Maybe she knew that some friends would report back to you.
I hope that one or two of her friends are good enough friends to tell her what she needs to do and that ending a marriage is wrong. She is the one who cheated and she has no reason to end it.

In your situation, I'd tell the friends not to be a conduit of information about her outings. What's that all about? You need to focus on your needs and your life and not worry about her going out or drinking. Good for you that you take better care of yourself. Don't play Russian Roulette with your life and what you need with these injections!

There may be a day when you have to think hard to remember her name! Who needs a wife that shames you (and herself) with public displays of being drunk and making a show.
A woamn who openly tells you she can't be faithful is not a partner in life. That is not how a woman with any pride in herself or her marriage behaves. Life is too short to live in such a painful world as yours seems to be. Unless she makes a real detour from the path she is on then I would not feel any hope that you have a marriage to salvage.

These changes you make to care about your health and your appearance also has to carry over into your work and career. Keep yourself grounded and make things better. Not for her, but for you.

[Roy7up]

Sadly, I asked my friends how the night went. Such was my desire and need to know.....

I do believe that she had to be on her best behaviour in front of our friends - but that wouldn't normally stop her!

My confidence is shot. It's a combination of work failures, marriage issues and various other goings on, that I have unknowingly slipped into this black hole. It is not enough for me to do this for me - I stupidly still believe in her. I know I shouldn't and I hate myself for it.
The trouble is, when its good, it's the best - but when it's bad, it's the worst any relationship can be.

Dear Roy,

Sadly, many of us have been where you are..maybe not the exact scenario..but to love someone with different values who can break a heart without trying. When it is over there is sleeplessness, the obsessive thinking, and the wish one can turn back the clock. If you feel that way, that means you have the capacity to love another (more than yourself) and you know that to cherish another person makes life better for the long term. Roy, the problem is not that you love, but that maybe you made a wrong choice in WHO you love. Boy, who hasn't!

This is a time you have to hold onto your beliefs. You need to be the kind of man who knows that love is committment to another person. You have to realize that fidelity is everything to a decent relationship. One thing we should be able to be secure about, is that our mate belongs to us, only, physically and emotionally, until death parts us.
You have a right to expect that decency in the woman you share your life with. That was the promise you both made in the marriage. There is no sliding agreement about what it means, in a marriage, to be faithful.

May I suggest to you that your wife is likely an alcoholic. Meaning she walks like a duck, talks like a duck..and she drinks to the point you don't recognize her, you said. Likely, she is duck...an alcoholic. You can't make decisions for her..which is NOT to drink or not to stay out until 9AM. You seem to accept the status quo... as she said she "did not love you, etc. I think you should invest some meeting times to check into Alcoholic Anonymous support group, Alanon. This organization offers emotional support for the families, or those married to one who drinks beyond control. You are going through about the same problems as others who marry an alcoholic. Roy, you may get some understanding about what attracted you to this wild one who is out of control.

You don't deal with a woman who regrets her actions or asks for forgiveness! You are a good man and you deserve to be loved in every way by a woman who has pride in herself. Such a woman belongs only to you. She is not blasted out of her mind in a social group to the point illicit sex is a regular part of her life. Alcoholism ends one way..it devastates others around them and will end in death for the one who drinks themselves into an early grave. Maybe you have some family history of a drinker from childhood and that crazy law of attraction lured you in that direction to one who drinks?

Now you have to rebuild yourself and reinvent who you are. You must examine what is most important to you. If you have some strength in your faith, then now is the time to reach inside and prioritize those areas of YOU that you need to fix.

You are not the only one with work failure. We have all had a few hard lessons in career paths. I bought a personnel agency years ago and planned to make that a great success. Boy, that was a disaster! I lost my ladies shirt on this loser when I threw in the towel 3 years later. If only I had researched that business better. Was it my failure, or the fact that biz had failed before? What was the problem? The guy who sold this biz laughed all the way to the bank. It took me about 6 months to find confidence again. Was there a happy ending? Well, after going work in a competitive field I could make a decent living. There were times I closed my office door and cried in the morning..that's how down was my confidence.
I was afraid I couldn't make it. So getting all these elements in life to work is not easy. This is all part of the path life can take. When we fail, we try again, right?

I hope you can work things through to take better care of yourself. You must become happier in yourself...regardless of the outcome of this separation.

[Roy7up]

Hi all!

Here is my update!!!

On Wednesday last week, I received a text from her - asking for 2 months rent money for when I didn't work. It made me quite angry, as I was down on my luck and I would never of charged her anything if it were vice-versed!
I told her I would talk to her on Friday eve about it and sort it out then.

Friday eve came and we talked. She said she had a great night out the weekend before (her birthday) because she wasn't stressed out, and didn't feel the need to get drunk.
She also said that she didn't regret her decision to end the marriage and was committed to being a better person and mother to her 13 yr old son, therefore that's where all her efforts will lay.

She also said, that life was strange without me but didn't know if she missed me, saying it was too early to know.
She was cold as ice.

Our wedding anniversary is in 3 weeks and I asked her had she any thoughts/feelings about that. She said no, she has been keeping herself busy, blocking out all thoughts of it, however, she had considered going away at that time, for a couple of days.

I then presented her with a question. I have asked her to come away with me for that date - a) so she and I can at least have a last chance to look at each other, and know if its definitely dead or not, b) so at least we can have one last decent memory on our important date, c) it allows myself an opportunity to at least show her my progress and perhaps gain a tiny piece of respect from her, and d) if it doesn't work out, and she feels no different when we return, I can then have my closure on this marriage and move on with my life.

She said she wouldn't be bullied into agreeing to this but would consider it.

What do you think? Have I moved too soon? Am I thinking right?

[chosen]

Roy, she needs to remember that she hasnt ended the marriage and it wont be ended until she divorces you. I honestly dont know what to say about that idea, I wouldnt think I would want to spend the weekend with someone who had rejected me and was as mean as to ask me for rent when we were married and I was out of work!
You may need to get some legal advise if she is determined to go ahead.

[Roy7up]

I have today received a text from her, declining my offer of a weekend away for our anniversary.
She says, it's only been a couple of weeks, I must adjust to being alone and accept that it's over. She also says she doesn't like being pressurised into this, but she has thought long and hard before coming to this decision. She is also sorry.

Although its what I expected, I still feel, just by the mere fact that she took 3 days to "think long and hard" about it, that its not quite dead just yet.

However, it has began some closure for me - she is right in that, it IS over, life as we know it. So, for now, I must get on with my life and time will decide our fate.
I accept I need to change and re-invent myself, and huge efforts are underway. But, I feel she also needs to change but I don't have the faith in her to do so. I find that fact, so sad.

It's hard, I miss her so much but I know I cannot go back to that life ever again. I've been a fool for far too long.

I would like to thank everyone on here who has given their time and sound advise - you have no idea how low I was but, with your help, I'm slowly getting to grips with things. I'm still low, I'm still miserable, I'm still in love with her but, I am getting stronger.

Thank you all!

[chosen]

Yes she does need to change, but that is her responsibility and you cant make her. Drinking heavily and having casual sex every time things arent going her way is no solution, and may even lead to being an alchoholic.

Of course you feel low and miserable, thats only normal. Carry on the good work in getting yourself as healthy as you can and getting your life back.

If in the future if you feel able to begin another relationship, be very careful to choose a nice lady with good morals and lots of integrity.

An anniversary by definition is a celebration and recommittment to a marriage or relationship.
You have taken separate paths some time ago. She is determined in her self destructive behavior with drinking and illicit sex. She has broken the bonds that hold a couple together. You must detach and work on your own issues. Whatever is the motivation to why you were attracted to those negative traits and " the wild one" as you described her. There is a story in that attraction.

Sometimes people are attracted to the drama in such a person/lifestyle as a way to "feel more alive." One tries to get close to the flame of the other person. While it might be attractive in a lover for a time, it does not survive in a marriage. The flame burns out.
There is nothing boring about a moral, committed person who understands the meaning of love. Perhaps it was the hole in you that needed to be filled. If you think about your life, try to understand why you reached out to her. Some men think they can "tame" such a woman.
A man lacking in confidence might hook up with a woman with surface appeal, but one who lacks sound moral judgment. I hope you can work through this time, so you will look for a better life partner for the future.

[Roy7up]

Hi guys! It's been a while....!

Well, I have been separated for 14 months now. It's not been easy, but I accepted it was over, six months ago.
I think about her every day of my life - but I wouldn't return to her if my life depended on it. I have a lot of resentment towards her and also to myself. How could I have been so stupid to put up with her? What was I thinking? I resent her behaviour during our marriage but I'm more in cringeworthy embarrassment of myself!

The pain never goes away. I think about her/us always. I don't want to, it just happens. I don't think I will ever fully get over it. Is this normal?

She has legally changed her name. She has had a boob job. She has had 3 short relationships, the last one failing because he didn't bother with her on valentines day! She is back on the drugs and the drinking is as heavy as ever. And yet she still excels in life - gaining promotion at work, a pay rise included, a new car, having her garden completely renovated and out every week, including big weekends away!!

Me? I'm getting by. My health has levelled out, my appearance is better and I now have a little more pride in myself.
However, my confidence is almost at zero, and life seems to be passing me by. Our "mutual friends" rarely contact me any more, my own friends are all happily settled down and my kids from my previous relationship, whilst have been fantastic, are all busy with their own lives. I feel utterly lost.

Whilst I do think about my wife, I have absolutely no inclination to want her back - I will never touch her again, she is "soiled goods" now. She disgusts me. We have very little contact now, sometimes months pass before she contacts me, wanting to finalise our joint account etc.

It's the loneliness that gets me. I've got used to coming home to nothing, but weekend after weekend of staying in, having no where to go is driving me nuts!
I have been out on a couple of dates - but one got so drunk, it bought back bad memory's, whilst the other, although gorgeous, I couldn't feel the "click".
Where do people go after the marriage breaks down? How does one move on in life? I kinda feel I'm now just waiting for life to end. There is nothing to look forward to, I get up, I work, I come home, I sleep and repeat the next day.

The single life isn't what I imagined it could be....

I know, you will probably suggest joining groups, etc. I have no confidence. I don't feel I have anything to say, I mean, what do I do that's so exciting?

My marriage destroyed me in many ways. It has changed me in every way. I am envious of those that find a future for themselves - I wish I could find it for myself!