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Old 10th March 2013, 06:04 PM   #1
Roy7up
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Marriage In Tatters!

Hi all!

I married a wild one 6 years ago. It's been a challenge keeping going but I do love her so have put up with stuff most normal people would never do!

A year ago, I lost my business, our home got reprocessed, her father died and she suffered two miscarriages, the second one being particularly horrendous. We separated, with most of the fault being mine, not paying attention to her, not meeting her needs, etc, etc. 48 hours after telling me it was over, she had a one night stand with a guy she met at a pub. She said it was to finalise our marriage.
I understood this, and got my own place and began to sort myself out, and plotting my "comeback" within my marriage. The thing is, although we were apart, we were regularly in contact, so never really gave each other space.

I moved in with her 6 months later. She did stress that, although she loved me, she was not IN love with me but it may grow back. We agreed certain conditions that would fulfil our needs and for the first three months everything was fantastic - and she often told me she loved me.

However, she is a drinker - her whole family are, and I have always struggled with this. I have watched her drink so much, that I no longer recognise her. She becomes independent of any marital obligations, believing that going out, getting drunk and not returning until 9am the next day is normal.
This happens so often, I have perhaps reverted to my "cold self" again and as such, we have lost our way again, with her telling me she doesn't fancy/want/love me.
I'm diabetic (2years ago I was diagnosed) and have lost a lot of weight. I do look ill so I understand how unattractive I may appear to her. This is a big deal to her. She told me, that such is her unhappiness, and boredom, she couldn't promise to stay faithful in the future.

I have decided to move out because I don't want to be somewhere I'm not wanted - but it's breaking my heart because I love her implicitly!
She admits she needs professional help and intends to do so next week.

So people, what do you think? Is it over? Should I move on? Do you think, bearing in mind this is the second time in a year, that time will fix this? Am I wasting my time?
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Old 10th March 2013, 07:22 PM   #2
Raymond
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Re: Marriage In Tatters!

I think you ought to move on personally Roy. She has already committed adultery and says she cannot promise to be faithful. That is no foundation for a marriage. The ingredients are just not there, apart from any drink problem.

The only hope I see is the curing of this drink problem, but as it stands at the moment it would be healthier for you to let her go I think.
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Old 11th March 2013, 03:58 AM   #3
chosen
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Re: Marriage In Tatters!

I agree with Raymond. Unless there is committment and faithfullness what is the point.Not coming home till 9am, probably means she is cheating again as otherwise where is she all night? She sounds very immature, and to be honest, is this the sort of woman you would want to be the mother to your children?I know that miscarriages are horrible but I think its a blessing that there arent any children in this mess.

She seems to have no intention of ever keeping the promises that she made, and no matter what happens to our spouse, if we are committed we will never dream of looking for someone outside that relationship.
You may need to move on, learn from it, and make sure that next time you dont marry unless the lady has morals, integrity and maturity.
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Old 12th March 2013, 08:17 PM   #4
Roy7up
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Re: Marriage In Tatters!

Hi all! Thank you for the replies.

I have now moved out and the loneliness is mind numbing. I'm completely lost and don't know what to do.
We spoke on the phone last night (she was worried as to where I would stay) but it was a pretty neutral attitude from her. I told her not to write me off just yet, and that I would win her back. Her reply was that I must sort myself out etc etc, but didn't say either way as to if this would be considered by her. She said she would be cautious because she's heard it all before from me.

A few days ago, whilst sat enjoying a glass of wine, she began to talk to me. She asked if I really loved her. She asked if I was happy. My answer was yes to loving her but no to being happy due to her drinking/behaviour.
She told me she was unhappy too and handed me a letter, which she talked me through it.

It said I let her down. Numerous business adventures have failed and I seem to bounce from one drama to another. She cannot relax or live her life like this, not knowing if I can pay my keep or even if I have enough to buy a pint of milk.
My physical appearance has deteriorated and I look a mess. Where I was not so long ago a proud looking man, I'm now gaunt and uncaring of myself. I have lost teeth (in a prominent place) my hair is unkempt, I'm usually unshaven and where I have lost so much weight, my clothes just hang off me.
She is angry that I don't eat properly or regularly, or even inject my insulin when I should. She finds herself nagging at me to do these things and therefore, feels that she is more "mother" to me than wife.

Last time, when we got back together, we would spend Friday evening drinking wine and talking. Now all she gets is one word answers when I poke my head up from the iPad.

She feels I have issues from my childhood, (i have had an horrific upbringing) that reflect in my lack of physical affection towards her. She says, it's cold and lonely and a void is now between us. We are opposites, she likes tea, I like coffee, she likes to socialise, I like to be quiet, etc.

Yesterday, I read this note out again, as I have done 20 times already - but this time, I read it out loud to my best friend. I then realised. And it was like a hammer blow! It IS me! My friend proceeded to tell me there were far too many truths in it. I'm in shock.
I feel I have spent so much time blaming her for her drinking, I haven't looked at myself. She is a naturally happy person but tells me she hides behind the drink when unhappy. I blame her drinking for my failures I suppose!

What do you guys think? Can my marriage be saved? Has my "realisation" moment come too late?
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Old 12th March 2013, 10:29 PM   #5
chosen
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Re: Marriage In Tatters!

I think you both have issues that you need to face, she as well as you.She has cheated and drunk herself silly, so she is also responsible for the mess. I hope that she will not blame it all on you, we all have choices no matter what happens.
Its never too late if you are both committed, and can both recognise your own failings, but even if she wont, you can do all you can to get yourself sorted for your sake and for your future. Sort out your health, do more exercise, eat healthily, get your teeth fixed, inject your insulin every day.

She needs to begin to deal with her addiction to alchohol, maybe going to AA.
I think you could also benefit from some good marriage counselling.
Was there any reason why you had to be the one to move out?
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Old 12th March 2013, 11:27 PM   #6
Roy7up
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Re: Marriage In Tatters!

Hi!
I moved out because its a property that's owned by her mother. We also have her 40yr old brother lodging there (after his marriage break-up) so I felt a bit squeezed out!
She never asked me to move out but, I knew from her tone, it's what she expected and wanted me to do.
She has refused marriage counselling saying its too late for that.
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Old 13th March 2013, 02:25 AM   #7
chosen
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Re: Marriage In Tatters!

Well you can only be responsible for yourself and your behaviour, and not for her or her behaviour. As I said do what you can to get healthier physically and emotionally, so that whatever happens you will be better for it.
She will have to make her own mistakes and choices(and she has already made quite a few).

If a woman isnt prepared to be faithful or committed to a marriage then I am not sure how it can work. We know a couple where she drinks and is an alchoholic, and its very very hard work living with someone like that.
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Old 13th March 2013, 05:51 AM   #8
Forever
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Re: Marriage In Tatters!

Sometimes the things we suffer reveal our "default" character. You and your wife went through more losses in one year than many people do in a life time. Death, miscarriages, business loss, losing a home, and then your Diabetic issue which is also a great cause for ongoing concern.

This was not time for her to drink heavier or have a sexual escapade...nor for her to continue her wild life style. This was a time to pull together and be a support in whatever way each of you needed it to make it through. Being she is not willing to weather this with you, you will have to act on your own behalf without that benefit.

So you are not in the best form at the moment...that can and will change once you make a decision and the effort to take better care of yourself. Now you are facing the breakup of your marriage on top of all the other things you suffered...I feel so bad for you that it seems difficult knowing what to advise you to focus on first.

While your emotional well being is vital, so is your health...so I would say to take the next 8 weeks to get control over your nutritional needs and also taking your medication on a regular basis. You cannot control her, even though now she is the source of your greatest pain. That is going to have to be put on the back burner for just a bit, because your ability to survive this and come out a whole person rather than a completely broken body and soul is at stake.

Sit down and make a list of priorities...do not put her on the top of it yet. Put the marriage/her at number 7. List six important things that you will do for your personal self on a DAILY basis for the first 8 weeks before you even begin to list what you will do for the marriage. Dont forget to include finding a way for having your teeth fixed...maybe put that one at number 6...your appearance can be a "confidence breaker" so it is just as important as your health is. Start with that and see if you can manage to be consistant and productive...become a man that any decent woman "out there" would be happy to consider having FIRST...including your wife. Sometimes we have to divide our life into smaller components or managable parts before we can begin to blend them all together better to make a whole life worth living.
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Old 13th March 2013, 07:38 AM   #9
Roy7up
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Re: Marriage In Tatters!

Thank you all so much for the replies! It really does help!

Another sleepless night, going over and over things. Yesterday, I made a start with myself, but I think it's a long road ahead.
I've not heard anything from her (and don't expect to!) and it's her birthday today. This will be the first time in 9 years I've not been there to help celebrate. It's so hard to accept.
Her actual celebration will be on Saturday night and all our neutral friends will be there - again, it's hard to accept. This time last week I was involved in those plans.

It's amazing how day to day life continues and yet my world has falling apart. She seems oblivious to any pain or feelings and certainly holds nothing for any "special moments" we once shared.

Am I right in assuming that because I do all the pinning/chasing/needing its easier for her?
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Old 13th March 2013, 09:44 AM   #10
Raymond
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Re: Marriage In Tatters!

On the face of it it would seem easier to her. She doesn't seem to hold faithfulness as anything.

What sort of upbringing did you have Roy? Quite often things from our childhood can seriously affect our adulthood, but there are answers.
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Old 13th March 2013, 09:52 AM   #11
chosen
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Re: Marriage In Tatters!

Often when there is a marriage break up it can be easier for one than the other.It also depends on the support network, Women often have more friends and family around who are supportive and who she can talk to, while men tend to keep things to themselves and feel they need to sort it themselves .Its great that you are coming here though, and we get many men here for that reason I think. Just to be able to write it down and know that others care can help a lot. We will be here for the long haul.

I like forevers idea of a manangable list of to do things. Make a list of things(even small ones) that you need to do for your well being and health, and as you do them cross them off.Take one day at a time and try to get some exercise each day even if it is a brisk walk.if you have some guy friends and family who you can go out with and talk to all the better.

Maybe see the doctors to get checked out. My husband had diabetes, and gets regular check ups. I am not sure why you are looing weight, as usually the problem on insulin is gaining weight.
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Old 13th March 2013, 07:34 PM   #12
Roy7up
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Re: Marriage In Tatters!

Hi!

Again, thank you for the replies. I don't open up to anyone but such is the state of my mind, I can honestly say that you guys are just about keeping me going!!

My childhood was terrible. If any of you have read "a child called it" you can gauge it from that. And believe me, that is no exaggeration!!
However, I don't live my life from the past - in fact, I do the opposite. I have 4 children from a long term previous relationship (3 I adopted) and they are loved and were bought up to respect, love and to be honest. I judge myself through them.

I like the list idea. I have just implemented said list. 3 things are already done!!

I wished her a happy birthday today via text and I got a couple of chirpy texts back. Obviously, nothing of material meaning which leads me to wonder, does she believe we should be friends? I'm not sure i can accept that just now - not whilst I'm sat here wondering what the hell she is doing and what she currently feels for me right now!

I know we both need some space and I know texting her isn't going to help - but I'm struggling here, more so in the evening/night. Any ideas how to block that out??
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Old 13th March 2013, 10:42 PM   #13
chosen
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Re: Marriage In Tatters!

Yes I have read that book, and you have done really well if you have been able to get past that.Have you had any help with it all?

Its very very hard for a couple who have been married to go into some sort of friendship mode. My husbands ex wanted that. She didnt want him as a husband, but wanted to stay in touch so that he would help her out when she needed it. Not heathy and eventually he had to tell her that it wasnt going to happen any more. However at the stage you are at, so early on, I would say to keep contact, but keep it minimal.

I think that men find it harder to be alone than women generally, but when I was alone for 6 years I still had three children at home, 2 teenagers and a 21 year old.. Do you have any friends/family who you get go out with sometimes?Where are you actually living?


Brilliant about the list. I love lists, they make you feel you are achieving something and you feel better for being able to cross things off.

Do you see much of your 4 children? How old are they?
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Old 14th March 2013, 12:31 AM   #14
Roy7up
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Re: Marriage In Tatters!

Yes, I see my kids! They are 25, 24, 23 and 20. I'm currently staying with my youngest daughter!
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Old 14th March 2013, 01:09 PM   #15
chosen
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Re: Marriage In Tatters!

Ah thats nice. Good to have a supportive family.Mine are aged 27, 32 and 34. so a bit older than yours.
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