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Old 16th July 2014, 01:15 AM   #1
c088161
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Wife freaking out - moving out to pursue career/study

Hi there,

I would be very grateful for your opinions.

We have been married for several years and we're still in our twenties. We have a volatile relationship, however we love each other very much and usually end up sorting out our differences through talking things through.

I'm due to move away to pursue a one-year course following which we plan to live together again. My wife was very supportive of my application and celebrated with me when I was accepted, however less than three months to go before I start the course she had a bit of a breakdown and is begging me to defer the year.

This would be the second year I miss the boat and I just feel as though I will never get to do this course which means so much to me (better career prospects etc) and feel there will always be something to stop me from taking this step.

For some background, we married in our early twenties - too young to get married really - I was working full-time in a crappy low paying job and my wife was a student. I supported her through five years of university (paying all the rent, bills, maintenance costs etc) and she has only just completed her first year of work - a labour intensive but well paying job. I'm still in a mediocre job which I'm desperate get out of for myself and our future.

I hasten to add that my wife hates living where we are; she relocated here for university and ended up staying here to save some money as going back to where she's originally from would be expensive, but we're planning to head back there after my course. From her point of view me leaving would compound her misery and I understand where she's coming from, however I feel like time will be running out for me to do something I really want to do and if I defer it will get me on a downer for the next thirteen months.

The other thing is that she feels we'll break up if I move, which I don't think we will. She's worried I'll meet someone else and/or we just won't be able to get through it. She has lived away from me for a few months in the summer to work in her home town and stay with parents for a while, so although i'll be gone for a year, we've effectively done this before and been OK.

A potential compromise is me coming up to see her on every weekend that she's free, however I feel riddled with guilt about leaving her although I know deep down that she wants me to do this course. I do worry about her safety, but she'll be living with a flatmate (another thing she's dreading as she likes her own space, but I'm trying to show her the benefits of flatsharing - company/sociability, shared housework, security etc) and I'm going to research a few things that will keep her safe e.g. personal safety devices etc. I also plan to wine and dine her before I leave just so she remembers that I love her and will be there for her while I'm away.

I would love to know what your thoughts are.... am I being selfish? I feel so guilty yet I went through years of supporting her as best I could through her course.
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Old 16th July 2014, 09:43 AM   #2
Raymond
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Join Date: Dec 2006
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Re: Wife freaking out - moving out to pursue career/study

My gut feeling is to do the course if this is important for your future prospects. Once children come along you will need that.

It will be a test of your marriage no doubt but I think you have the right attitude and will be able to convince her of your love for her as she does sound a bit insecure about it. There will be temptations in that environment as she will know and you must let her know that she is number one from time to time as needed in any way you can without being distracted from your studies.
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Old 16th July 2014, 10:10 AM   #3
chosen
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Re: Wife freaking out - moving out to pursue career/study

I think it would be bad for you to be apart for so very long, and cant see why she cant apply for job there and move with you. Otherwise why cant you apply nearer your home or do the course on line?
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