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Old 11th June 2014, 11:34 PM   #1
doonp1970
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Join Date: Jun 2014
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Unhappy Will my cheating Fiancee come back to me and should I take her back..?

My Fiancee and I have been together for eight years, it was wonderful for at least seven of those and we were best friends, lovers and soulmates I really thought we had both found someone we never wanted to be parted from, I proposed to her on bended knee on her birthday while we were on holiday in Spain and we have been engaged for 3 years, neither of us were particularly after the big white wedding so we were happy just to be engaged we were both totally committed to each other. We were a great team and helped each other, I night-schooled her to pass her English and numeracy exams for her present job and we were both over the moon when she passed, but over the last 9 months or so our relationship seems to have become strained, she withdrew from me and there wasn't the usual intimacy between us, our sex life was still good as it always has been but not as frequent as I might like, the tactile little things like kissing when we met and just little touches of affection seemed to stop and I felt she was behaving as if she was withdrawing emotionally from me. I did the worse thing because of my suspicions and one night I checked her phone and found text messages to another man, loving messages not the type you send to a friend, We've had little messages of affection that we send to each other and she even used the same messages of affection that she used to send to me.
I was absolutely destroyed, I felt like my whole world had come crashing down around me, she had also sent messages to her friends that spoke of me in a really derogatory way, I was livid and shaking with anger and betrayal. I confronted her and we had a heated exchange with me doing the shouting and she broke down crying and begging forgiveness. After we had calmed down she told me through her tears she was ashamed of herself and was so sorry for hurting me, she said the message's were from an old friend, possibly boyfriend who had contacted her through social media, she assured me she hadn't cheated on me just been stupid and sent these texts, she said she had never met up with him which I believe as one message said sorry for not meeting one night when he had asked her to meet up and she hadn't gone, she said she hadn't cheated on me just sent the texts. I'm very old fashioned and I am totally loyal I've been devoted to her through eight years and even when I have had offers I have never even entertained the thought, I have never and would never do that to someone.
We got through the weekend as she was working shifts and I tried to put it out of my mind but I couldn't, I asked her to leave so I could have some time to think and she took a suitcase to a friends house, we spoke a couple of times in those 3 weeks and i totally forgave her and asked her to come back, she gave me no indication of wether she would or not. After 3 weeks of hanging on and going through hell every day I needed closure as I was a mess, she came round and we talked, I told her if she didn't love me I would not stop her going but she couldn't do it, through tears she told me still loved me and I do totally believe her but didn't want to come back, at one point she used the word yet but it may have been a slip of the tongue. I said we had got through this and now she was going to throw away eight years and if she still loved me I didn't understand why she would do this, I tried to persuade her and practically begged but she said we had got in a routine which we had and she just wasn't happy although still totally loved me, I work long hours from home and am often on the computer till late while she goes to bed early and I go downstairs and have a beer every night I finally realised we had been living separate lives to some point but I would have changed this behaviour in a heartbeat if I knew it would lead to this, but I'm a typical bloke and don't notice these thing till they hit me or maybe I'm just blaming myself for the breakup, to be honest it has been an issue for a while.
She kissed me and left.. She said she wouldn't ask me or expect me to sit and wait for her, but to be honest I would sit and wait for ever I still totally love her with all my heart. She has had a history of depression which I have always supported her through giving her time and space when she needed it, she is staying at a friends who I can't help but think is not helping the situation, she has just come through a very messy divorce and is probably slagging me off, she also takes in lodgers and would probably love her to take up residence. She will have to have contact with me eventually as the rest of her stuff is still here and her dog is with me, she's losing her entire lifestyle as I have a beautiful house from before we met and alone she could only afford to rent a small flat or something.
I feel like my heart has been ripped out, my friends say I should go out and date but I can't even think about it, I don't want to build up 8 years with someone else.. I'm totally leaving her alone no message or text's so she can hopefully have time to miss me and come to her senses, the problems we had were so easy to fix I just though it was the routine that couples got into after a while and I tried to tell her I could change this in an instant but she said she didn't believe I would My question is do you think she will come back..?
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Old 12th June 2014, 10:15 AM   #2
chosen
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Re: Will my cheating Fiancee come back to me and should I take her back..?

This is a bit hard for me, because I believe that marriage is vital and dont understand why people get enaged for years(which is supposed to be what you do while you prepare for the wedding,)and not bother to marry. However, if you are both very keen to make it work then make an appt with a relationship counselor. If she wont agree, that sort of shows that she isnt really committed.
I would be worried about the other man, the fact that they had actually agreed to meet even if she didnt actually go, is very serious.

Of course couples get into a routine, that's life, and if she cant accept that she will never be happy in a relationship.

I think you need to ask her to tell you what her intentions are. I think she may know. The fact that she told you not to wait for her says a lot to be honest. I also agree that her living with a newly divorced woman is a bad idea.

It may turn out to be a good thing you didnt marry or have children.
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Old 13th June 2014, 09:41 PM   #3
ronnoco
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Re: Will my cheating Fiancee come back to me and should I take her back..?

Hello,

Sorry to hear you are going through such a rough time. I totally understand how you feel because a very similar thing happened to me. You just can't believe what has happened. You are in shock and denial of how something that seemed so perfect has ended up where it is now. Google '5 stages of grief' - you will find it very useful.

I think this is a very important statement : -

Quote:
Originally Posted by doonp1970 View Post
She said she wouldn't ask me or expect me to sit and wait for her
My wife said the same thing. The reason I think she said it was because she had already made her mind up that she didn't want to be with me anymore. It almost felt like she wanted me to move on to ease the guilt of what she had done. People who cheat turn into complete strangers.

Don't blame yourself. Your partner was having an emotional affair at the very least. It's incredibly dangerous to a relationship because it divides the heart in 2. She is feeling lust and infatuation for this other man and probably brotherly/best friend love for you which has caused you to end up where you are now. It sucks, I know.

I wouldn't recommend going out on any dates - you need time to yourself. You are doing everything right. Don't contact unless you have to. Doing what is known as a 180 (Google divorce buster 180) is the right thing for this situation.

Focus on no 1 now. I would always recommend joining a gym or doing exercise as it releases feel good endorphin's. Change your appearance, treat yourself to some new clothes, take up a new hobby but most importantly, keep yourself surrounded my loved ones. Friends and family are essential in these times of crisis. Try not to be alone too much.

In all honesty, you deserve better. You deserve someone who like yourself is loyal, full of integrity and knows they would never cheat. If she did come back, how would you know you wouldn't be going through the same thing in 2, 3 or 5 years? You could be married with kids and have this happen in the future.

Keep your chin up bud - one way or the other, you'll get through it because tough times don't last but tough people do.

All the best.
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Old 14th June 2014, 01:41 AM   #4
chosen
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Re: Will my cheating Fiancee come back to me and should I take her back..?

I agree with ronocco about no dates with anyone else. To go out with another woman while you still love this lady would be cruel and unfair to the ladies you dated. Even if this relationship ends you would need some time to heal and recover emotionally.
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