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Old 17th February 2002, 11:03 PM   #1
fotheringhamjennifer
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Unhappy my marriage

Hi

My husband has left me one year after I had an affair. I was very sorry for what happened and my love for him is stronger now than ever ever before buthe cannot forgive me and has left. He now has feelings for someone else. We had a christian wedding and though we did not put God into our marriage I now see the damage that has done and pray all the time for another chance. I pray for him to forgive me in his heart, he says he still loves me and I want him to realise that what he feels for this other girl is wrong and that things would get better if only he came home and could forgive.

I have asked God for forgiveness and ask any of you for advice and prayer in this matter,

Jennifer
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Old 19th February 2002, 04:07 PM   #2
Liz
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It is desperately sad that things have come to this stage for you. Have you actually been able to acknowledge the hurt you caused through the affair and been able to ask him to forgive you? It's not clear from what you've written when your husband found out about the affair and whether you have spent the last year trying to sort things out. Is your husband willing to seek help together with you to try to explore and find healing for the hurts of what you have been through?

If he is not able to commit to seeking help together, then there are a number of organisations that offer support especially for those going through difficulty who don't have their spouses co-operation. Those we know of are Covenant Keepers, Marriage Matters and Married for Life. They are Christian organisations, but we don't know much about how they work. If you are interested, it would probably be best to contact them and find out what they have to offer.

Do you attend a church? It might also be helpful to find Christians near where you live who would be willing to pray for and with you. We will pray for you too.
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Old 20th February 2002, 11:41 PM   #3
fotheringhamjennifer
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Thanks Liz

Yes I have acknoweldged the hurt and tried very very hard to put things right. I have recommitted my life to God this past week too and I think he can see the difference in me as he came to sort out some financial matters.

Our minister has offered to speak to him and I pray that he will accept as I believe it will help significantly - please pray for that too.

Thank you for the reference to the organisations, I will contact them and see what help they have for us,

Many thanks once again

Jennifer
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Old 13th June 2002, 06:57 AM   #4
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Jennifer,

I wish I had advice, but instead I am asking your advice. I also had an affair. My husband knows that something went on but he does not know the whole story. Do you recommend confessing the entire story even if it means that he might leave? Did you confess to your husband or did he find out through another source. Any advice you have at all for me would be so appreciated. My husband and I are just now trying to get back into church. I just don't know what to do. I want to be honest, but I'm scared to lose him. We have two children.

Sarah
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Old 16th June 2002, 03:10 PM   #5
Liz
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Dear Sarah,

I'm sure you long to be open with your husband, but sometimes it isn't wise to confess something like this without careful thought. It puts a terrific burden on your husband. One question worth thinking about is what is your motivation for telling your husband. Sometimes confession gives us a great relief, but if that is the motivation then go to a priest or pastor and ask them to hear what you have to say and to pray for you.

First and foremost your sin is against God and that needs to be dealt with. Then God will show you what amends you need to make. For some that may mean having to carry their secret to the grave, for others it may mean telling their husband at an appropriate time. Your husband may not actually want to know all the details.

I am sure that the Lord will help you to find a way through this.

Liz
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Old 27th August 2003, 06:31 PM   #6
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Thumbs down

why does it always have to come down to cheating, I have a hard time with dealing with cheating; because it is a selfish act and the damage is done. Why couldn't you have been this sorry from the beginning. Good Luck ***** **
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Old 30th October 2004, 11:27 AM   #7
Romancer
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Re: my marriage

I'm sorry to disagree with anyone on this site but I do think you absolutely MUST tell your husband about your affair. The guilt will eat away at you and you will be keeping a secret from him as long as you live! How can you do this to the man that is supposed to be completely intimate with you? Please see the info on honesty in marriage on the site: www.Marriagebuilders.com They stress complete honesty as the only way to fly. I agree!

The thing is, your husband is already suspicious. Do you want him writhing in torment wondering the rest of his life? He already does not trust you like he should and the longer you wait to tell him, the worse it will be for him. please do not let one more day pass without telling him or writing him of your wrong. He can get over it if he will remember that you really do love him and just made a big mistake. But if he can't get over it, well, that is something you have to face. If his love for you is not enough to get over a sin then how much does he love you?

The next thing you must do after confession is to be completely accountable to him. Tell him how you intend to let him know where you will be and with whom you will be every minute of every day until he feels he can trust you again. Tell him to check up on you, to spy on you, to do whatever he needs to do to feel safe again. But don't just rely on him to check on you--let him know yourself! You owe him that! Do not let him talk you out of it either. Call him regularly if you can, to tell him you love him, are thinking of him and then, when you going to be away from him, tell him where you will be and how long and every single time you are going to be longer than you said you would be, call him and tell him why you will be late and when you will be home.

Your 'sentence' for being untrustworthy is to be completely accountable. it doesn't matter how childish it may seem to you, you are having to build trust in him from the basement floor. And it ain't easy! He needs to KNOW (not trust--trust is gone) that you can be trustworthy. How can he know you can be trusted unless you prove it to him? And you must continue to prove it over and over and over until he is satisfied. That is the only way you can have trust back. Tell him you are going to prove you can be trusted and then PROVE it. Prove it by having an open life--he should know where you are, whom you are with, how long you're going to be every minute of every day! That is not too much to ask of you for his peace of mind.

And then never ever be alone with another man in any place for any length of time. Don't strike up friendships with other men, don't go to lunch with a business associate alone, never dress in any kind of immodest or provocative clothing, don't write to other men, don't even talk to them if you can avoid it for awhile--do NOTHING that would make your husband uncomfortable or jealous. In fact, go overboard in that area!

Trust is as delicate as a butterfly's wing--once broken it is as difficult to put back together as that broken wing. But it can be done! LOVE is the answer. And, as the Bible says, Love covers a multitude of evil.
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Old 30th October 2004, 08:23 PM   #8
Liz
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Re: my marriage

Dear Romancer

I hear what you say about honesty being needed to build intimacy. I too believe that honesty is very important. What I was challenging was the motivation for sharing. If that motivation isn't right, then the timing isn't right. If we are sharing a betrayal because of an enormous need in us to be relieved of the burden then that is no blessing to our spouse or our marriage. Far better to go and confess to a minister first and to gain peace with God, so that when the time is right you can share it in the right way. The act of repentance before God will give us the wisdom and humility to share with our spouse as He directs and in a way which heals rather than destroys.

Liz
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Old 31st October 2004, 01:25 AM   #9
Romancer
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Re: my marriage

Dear Liz, Yes I agree that timing and right motive is important! Get counseling on how and when to tell your husband but don't wait too long! Every day is another day he will think about the lie you were living. It is absolute torture for a mate to find out months or years later that his beloved had an affair--a thousand times worse than finding out immediately. Finding out soon makes him/her feel there is real repentance. He (or she) will think back over the past and wonder how you could take so long to tell him, how much more deceitful it is that you withheld that information for so long, why you didn't trust his love to forgive you, what else you have been witholding from him, etc etc.

Don't wait any longer than you must to get some counsel and then tell him! I think even if your motive is to relieve your own conscience it is still far far better than waiting too long. No healing can be done until the wound is opened. Not for you, not for him.

Romancer
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Old 8th November 2004, 06:04 PM   #10
Sierra
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You deserve what you get

The time for hand wringing, talking to your minister, worrying, praying and being sad was BEFORE you crawled in bed with your lover.

You deserve every bit of what you get and if your husband takes you back then he is an idiot. You will cheat again as soon as you can find a way to justify it just as you did before.

If my wife ever cheated she would be gone. Period. I would spare no expense in driving a cheating spouse from me.

I do not share. Period. Its a self-esteem thing. In return I offer the promise of reciprocal behavior. Its not fancy, but I will be faithful to my wife. In fact, fidelity aside I feel I have a responsibility to not even give her reason to worry.

I hope your husband can find try love in the arms of his new interest.

Dave
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Old 1st June 2005, 04:39 PM   #11
sophsl
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Re: my marriage

I also cheated on my husband after I found out he was cheating on me. Everything spiralled out of control after that and 3 yrs afterward in Jan this year I asked him to leave because I found out about another woman. After 3 wks of being separated we were talking about making another go at our marriage and we decided during that talk to confess everything. I confessed to what he had suspected all along (he confessed nothing), and he left with us agreeing we would try to work everything out.

It has been almost 4 mths and things have gotten worse, with him getting closer to the other woman. I have basically let him go, but is praying for the restoration of my marriage. I don't understand why when men cheat we forgive them, but when the shoe is on the other foot...He has not said my affair is the reason, only that he is not "emotionally connected to me anymore", it sounds like something the other woman is telling him (she was a "friend" and somone who helped him cope during our marriage troubles, pretending to be his counsellor). Anyway, try this website, it has helped me tremendously.
http://www.restorem.org/cgi-bin/index.cgi?page=index
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