Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  
Old 8th September 2005, 02:46 PM   #1
katyb
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 31
My Husband commited adultery

I am 28 and have been married to my husband since i was 16 and he was 19. I am the only person he had slept with and i have only ever slept with him. In may of this year I discovered he had been sleeping with an 18yr old girl for 6 months. We have four primary school age children and up until this year when he distanced himself from me I have always been very happily married and loved and still love him with all my heart. We are still together and he finsihed with the girl when i discovered what was going on. My problem is this i am just devastated inside by hat he has done and broken between us. He is trying to fix this and i am doing my best to not judge or make it impossible for him to change. he is trying to show me love and commitment and remorse and i do believe he loves me and wants to be with me now and i certainley dont want to be without him but i am still finding it hard to live with the fact that no matter how much god or time heals me it will never change the fact that he had sex wih somebody else and i cry every time i think of it. i am finding it so hard to move on and think about it asll the time. i cant see me ever coming to terms with this and 50% of me wants to leave and start afresh on my own but the other 50% couldnt bear to lose him but he has ruined everything special we had
katyb is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th September 2005, 04:18 AM   #2
bubalen
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: My Husband commited adultery

dear Katyb,It seems to me youre making a big thing out of NOTHING !! So he made it with another,so what. You still love him and i'm sure he still loves you. Men are so much different than females. We need something different every once in a while. It has nothing to do with love, But bwe need that extra excitment to make us really seem alive,and young. It recharges our batteries so to speak. It's not that we don't really love the Special woman we've made a life with,But no matter how good she may be in and out of bed,we always need some thing else ,it's eighter that or or always thinking of someone else sex wise, for the lust of it. That's just the way men are. No matter what they teach in church, and that's the real truth. We're not looking for another tolove were realing looking to let out the lust most of us can't express in a marrage, things that are very farin(misspelled) to most females in a long relationship. Just try and let it be.
Lightn up, on the matter. It's really nothing to worry about.it's just the way the way the real world is. What's the big deal anyway. You still love him and he still loves you, maybe even more so now that he's been recharged. Let it be,and don't keep harping at it. Things will get back to nomal soon enough if you don't make this such a big deal.As long as he hasn't brought any thing home with him ( deseise wise )every things ok. Sincerely, Bubalen
  Reply With Quote
Old 10th September 2005, 04:48 AM   #3
Valerie
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: My Husband commited adultery

Bubalen, that rediculous. Accepting because every man needs a little piece of strange every now and then. What about us women? You guys loose it too...if you ever really had it. Come on, love is not envious, nor selfish, love endures all (you too)(men too). No exceptions.
  Reply With Quote
Old 10th September 2005, 05:14 AM   #4
bubalen
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Cool Re: My Husband commited adultery

So What, Lightn up! lOVE is not based on sex. A man needs to be recharged every now and again,in some form. For some it's to have a quick fling,others might turn to a working girl, and others might s tart to masterbate alot more than usual,some might do all. So what! The church makes this to be a big thing. All b.s. OPen your eyes, look what the church sets for an example, and they go and hide it. They should never have the right to say anything in the way of any marraige were sex is part of the whole thing. They don't know what there talking about,but that's a whole other story there. Just try not to make such a big thing of this,especially with your husband. He loves you "i'm sure " and you love him. Isn't that whats really important here. So your prides a little wilted. You should try never to let that enter into your relationship,as one can never have both and be happy. WE're not all perfect, and marragies aren't all perfect eighter. When a man has the need ,just let it be. He'll be much happier,and love you alot more for being so understanding. I know what i'm talking about, I've been married for some 25 years now too the same special girl. I still love her more than anyone else in this world, but i've been able to recharge myself a number of times along the way. I never have had any remorse or any bad feelings about it,nor does my wife. We just don't make such a big thing out of it like so many do. It's really quite natural when you think about it. Most won't admit to this fact of life, but a man has different needs than that of his partner,no matter how much there're in love. And a woman would be smart to let thigs be in this department. So lightn up and be happy. If you let mother nature take it's course things will be even better than they were before with the 2 of you,and you man will have more zest for life again,and just be a happier person,and love you more for showing such understanding. Sincerely bubalen.
  Reply With Quote
Old 10th September 2005, 05:58 AM   #5
bubalen
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Wink Re: My Husband commited adultery

Quote:
Originally Posted by Valerie
Bubalen, that rediculous. Accepting because every man needs a little piece of strange every now and then. What about us women? You guys loose it too...if you ever really had it. Come on, love is not envious, nor selfish, love endures all (you too)(men too). No exceptions.
Dear Valerie, I'm sorry that you feel that what i've said in all honesty is rediculous to you and would probley be so as your not a man, and don't have our drives. Woman don't really need sex to be happy and content with there life,they need feeling to be wanted and apprecated,and loved.Only when they find all this in a special man dose the sex thing become of some importance. A man on the other hand, we don't need half the things you wonderfull people do, but we do need sex and lots and lots of it. The free kind, no comitments no kiss, no feelings in that sort of way. That's only for some one ya really love. What we need is are fantanys for filled,without any judgementof any kind, Just wild wild sexual out let. Things that we don't usually do'as for most of us there's too much judement from our other half'or things you wouldn't want your other half to indulge in in the first place. You know wild things, we love this sort of thing ever once in a while. It just makes us come alive again. If you want lies to make you happy, then go to church,They have an answer for everything,half of it they don't follow them selves,and real marrage they know only what's written according to there ruels, but hardly any real everyday experence in it. Sincerely Bubalen
  Reply With Quote
Old 10th September 2005, 10:35 AM   #6
Liz
Moderator
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Posts: 662
Re: My Husband commited adultery

Dear Bubalen

Funny thing then that scientific research shows that committed faithful married couples actually have the most satisfying sex. You must be missing out on a lot running after all your wild fantasies.

If your wife accepts your wanderings she must be a wonderful woman. So she's not hurt by the fact that she is not enough for you? So she doesn't mind your selfish self indulgence and satisfaction of your needs? So a woman's need for fidelity is less important that a man's need for sexual "experiences". How do you show her you love her so much if you demand your need for sexual experience is more important than her knowing that she is treasured, precious and the only one? Love isn't some cosy warm feeling - it's giving and pouring out yourself for your loved one.

God created sex to be the most wonderful expression of love between a man and a woman committed to each other and faithful. His idea, not mine, and actually those who do it His way actually find that joy that is possible. You are settling for a poor second best, but you'll never know unless you try it!?


Liz
Liz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th September 2005, 10:44 AM   #7
Liz
Moderator
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Posts: 662
Re: My Husband commited adultery

Dear Katyb

I know it is hard now, but you can come through this time. God will heal the pain of it. The devil hates marriage and will tempt married folk to infidelity if he can. This doesn't release us from our own responsibility for the wrong doing, but it reminds us that each of us can fail the other in some way. The battle you are both in is not against flesh and blood. Your husband is sorry for what he has done and is trying to restore what can be restored and God will heal the rest.

Everything in this world is tarnished and damaged, but one day it will be fully restored. Remember that you cannot have a prefect, problem free marriage, but you can have a victorious one where you are both growing closer to the Lord and he is healing and strengthening your marriage.

When we hurt each other (and we do), my husband and I try to remember just how much we have been forgiven, and that reminds us how we should forgive each other. It is a deep wound when unfaithfulness and sex are concerned. When you are ready, why not ask a trusted friend to pray for you. It is possible to pray and draw a line under what has happened so you can go on. The fact is still there but it no longer has any power over you.

Please post here again if we can be of any help to you.


Liz
Liz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th September 2005, 03:05 PM   #8
Valerie
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: My Husband commited adultery

Thanks Liz,
That's unreal what he states. It's biased. I mean women need sex. I need to feel an extra lift of appreciation sometimes. You can't possibly tell me that I think I am beautiful only because my spouse says so, yet he needs a recharge. What about us? Who said we don't need sex? It's not over reacting it's selfishness and infidelity. And maybe you won't realize it until the wonderful people that we are (including your spouse) leave you hanging. Be careful....
  Reply With Quote
Old 11th September 2005, 02:39 AM   #9
kristi
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: My Husband commited adultery

Liz, you hit it right on the nose! katyb, listen to this girl! She's right. Even through unfaithfulness in a marriage, God can heal you and your marriage and make it even stronger than before. It sounds like you really love your husband and don't want your marriage to end. I can only imagine the hurt your going through right now! It must be a devastating thing to have to face this situation! But trust in God and He WILL take care of you. Obviously, you have to make the decision to stay or leave. But if your husband is repentant to God and you of what he did and truly wants to work things out, then you have the opportunity to turn a bad situation into something good. Many marriages have lasted through unfaithfulness and become even stronger because of it. Find someone to talk to and gain sound Biblical advice from who has gone through the same situation and come out on the other side victorious. They will understand what your going through and what you need. And don't let anyone make you believe that unfaithfulness is ok and should be accepted as a part of life. God has created marriage as a sacred thing between man and woman. It is something that is to be shared between a husband and wife ONLY! Yes, we all have our human temptations at one time or another, but that doesn't mean we have a right to break those sacred vows for a little fling. We should remain faithful to the one we have chosen as our spouse. Anyone telling you other wise does not have Christ as the head of their life and their advice should be viewed as foolish and unprofitable. Forgive your husband and let God heal you. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
  Reply With Quote
Old 12th September 2005, 08:43 PM   #10
katyb
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 31
Re: My Husband commited adultery

thanx guys. I always said that i wouldnt tolerate an affair and my husband knew i didnt believe in second chances after affairs.2 of his brothers had affairs and he knows the pain it causes. When i first suspected something was going on i did my best to get him to talk to me but he was just horrible and took me apart for 6 months. I struggled on and when my suspicions were confirmed when i caught him with her i was horrified and have never felt such pain and shock. I threw him out instantly but as soon as he had gone i panicked and went after him. It was like he was the person causing me all this pain but he was also the person i needed comfort from. We have struggled along and i do feel he regrets what he has done. I asked him a lot of questions and he has told me pretty much everything that went on during the 6 months he was with her. He spent a lot of time with her when i thought he was at work. and was very close with her and even thought he was in love with her. she has pestered him a lot since he left her which has made the recovery slower but she is off to university next week (she is only 18) so i am hoping she will get herself a new life now. I so want it to work and i still want to grow old with him but the old him the one who only wanted me and only loved me and the one who everything was special and pure with. now it feeels like the past 12yrs has all been fake. it feels dirty and ruined and because of this girl everyone round where we live knows what went on. people pity me everywhere i go and nothing seems normal. i have 4 kids and for the 3 months since i found out i just feel like i have been on auto pilot and this is no life for me or them. i love him so much but the old him. i dont trust the new him. I cant live like this constantly seeing her and him together in my head but i cant imagine living without him
katyb is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th October 2005, 10:31 PM   #11
gsquash
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: My Husband commited adultery

I'm actually really shocked by the response's from other members to your posting.

In God's eyes adultery is not acceptable in marriage - marriage is a covenant and although it is often broken by men and women, this is not God's plan.

I can really identify with your situation because my husband was also unfaithful to me. What I'd like to say is that God can heal and reconcile your marriage, even though it may not feel that way now. I am now 4 years down the line and although the memories of what happened are still there, my marriage is stronger and we have a beautiful son. So I'd really encourage you to be srtong and persevere.

If your H is willing to go to some counselling with you then I would suggest it, it really does help to have a mediator to help work through some issues that may come up.

Please respond with how you are doing.
  Reply With Quote
Old 6th October 2005, 11:02 AM   #12
katyb
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 31
Re: My Husband commited adultery

thank you for your reply. i am still up and down and very confused. i do love him but to be honest even if he had left me for his girlfriend i would still love him as we have been together for so long and he has given me my 4 beautiful clever chidren. so is love enough. i cant imagine ever trusting him again and am totally paranoid he is still seeing her which could be irrational but then thats what i thought when he was seeing her and i was right then. everyday my fear is he is going to suddenly say 'i am leaving i am still with her' all the way through his affair i was suspicious but i couldnt work out when he could be seeing her but i really wish i had listened to my instincts. obviousley now i am very insecure so are my instincts just paranoid? i keep getting headaches and feel very worn down by it all and sometimes i just want him to go but would i regret it forever?
katyb is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th October 2005, 09:23 PM   #13
lucy rose
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: My Husband commited adultery

You obviously love you're husband very much, so, although what he did is almost unforgivable, if you think you can trust him not to do anything like this again and it was just a mistake then stay with him. Love is a very precious thing, but if it happens again it would probably best to save all the love you have to give for someone who really deserves it. If you cant trust him but stay with him, your life will be unbearable.
I hope it works out.
Just out of intrest, you said that you got married to you husband when you were 16. How did your family feel about that? I married my husband when I was 18. I havent told my family because they would think it was too young and be disappointed in me. I am so scared of how they will react. I am dreading the look on my mums face.
lulu
  Reply With Quote
Old 17th October 2005, 06:44 PM   #14
katyb
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 31
Re: My Husband commited adultery

hi lucy rose. my mum was not over the moon about me marrying but i was adamant. if she hadnt given permission we were going to go to gretna green and marry so she signed the permission thingy. she got over it quite quickly but now husband has proved her right really. we married too young etc. but i was 16 he was 19 and i havent screwed up so there you go. i think age is iirelevant. some older people make it some dont and some younger people make it and some dont. if you are already married then tell your parents the sooner you get it over with the sooner they can start getting over it. i am sure she will be more upset that she missed your wedding than that you are married. i would be heart broken if my daughter marries without me being there. my parents did come to my wedding although my dad didnt give me away my brother did but at least they came. thank you for your kind words on my situation and i am still hanging in there. we are going to start a christian run marriage course tonight. so hopefull that will help
katyb is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 11:38 AM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright ©1999-2024 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer