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Old 4th September 2004, 03:36 PM   #1
koolchick
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new marriage in trouble

Two years ago i met the man of my dreams. He was like no one I had ever dated before. He had such a love for God and even lead me to be saved, which I will forever be thankful. He is going into the ministry and i've always thought that he would make such a great preacher. We got married three months ago and dream has turned into a nightmare. Right after we got married I found out that he is addicted to porn. His addiction has lead him to going into chat rooms and meeting girls online. I have confronted him about this and he admits that it is a problem and that he wants out. I have told him that i will help him in any way I can but that i will not live with this for it is tearing our young marriage apart. He has put software on the computer that puts me as his accountability partner and recently has had me add a password so that he can not get online when I am not home. I thouht he was doing better but then I got on the computer and looked inot some of his personal files and one of the files is a history log of his IM conversations. What i found made me want to walk out. He has sexual conversations with the girls on his messenger list. And the part that upsets me the most is most of these girls he actually knows. We had a conversation once about cheating and he told me that he could never do that, he wouldn't have the guts to even try but what would stop him if he already knows these girls? He doesn't know that i looked in this file and i know that if I told him he would be outraged since i invaded his personal space. He takes his personal space very seriously, which everyone should be able to have some degree of personal space, but his space is leading him to live a second life. I don't know what to do, I am getting so desperate. Our sex life is great in all honesty we probably make love 4-5 times a week. Why is this not enough for him? Why is he doing this? What have i done wrong? I try so hard to be the perfect wife, i have sacraficed so much for him, and this is what i get. I am an emotional mess all the time and all the stess is starting to effect my health both physically and emotionally. I have at one time even thought about taking my life, because all this makes me feel so worthless and i have become so depressed. I don't know what to do and I need help fast. Please can someone help me?
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Old 4th September 2004, 08:25 PM   #2
Liz
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Join Date: Jul 2001
Posts: 662
Re: new marriage in trouble

Dear Koolchick

You have done nothing wrong and this is not your fault. Your husband has a problem and he needs help, but he has to admit his need first. Let me also say that sadly you are not alone. This addiction can affect even ordained ministers and their marriages.

Are there some trusted Christians, perhaps a pastor and his wife that you can go and talk to, and ask to pray for you? It is very important that you are not dragged down any further by this.

There is a ministry in USA which runs a web site called Pure Intimacy. There is a section there for those in the ministry both to help them in their pastoral work but also for pastors caught up in the problem themselves. They also run a counselling service. There are other resources on our site too here

Remember you can pray for the Lord to bring all that is hidden out into the open, and for protection for your husband and your marriage. Above all remember that God loves you and made you. When he sees you he sees someone who is beautiful and redeemed by His Son. Your value is in how God sees you, not the way others treat you even your husband. He too longs for your husband to be set free from this awful dishonesty and sin in his life. When your husband comes to face the truth, he will need someone to love him unconditionally. only the Lord can give you the strength to do this.

Do come back here when you need to, but you also need support near at hand.

Liz
Ephesians 3 v 20
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Old 28th October 2004, 03:34 PM   #3
baringstraits
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Re: new marriage in trouble

Your husband will not get over his addiction to porn by himself! Buy him the book: "Every Man's Battle" by Steve Artteburn (sp?) and get him to an Every Man's Battle workshop (look at Newlife.com for info). And yes, leave him if he won't get help! You MUST! Addiction cannot be broken easily and unless you want a life of porn, you had better nip this in the bud. He can be cured but he HAS to get professional help. You must tell him he can have his porn OR he can have you--not both. And then stand by it no matter what it takes. And I hope you're not planning to bring children into this sick relationship??

Pornography is addicting, it is progressive for most men. Go to the link:
http://www.protectkids.com/effects/...ofaddiction.htm
and understand the problem better.

Porn is dangerous and destructive and it WILL destroy your marriage IF YOU ALLOW IT! DON'T!!! Do whatever it takes--and I mean WHATEVER--to get your husband off porn. He doesn't need it--he's just addicted. But he won't get off it by himself and you are going to have to stand up for what is right when he cannot. Be willing to go to whatever lengths it takes to get him away from this addiction.

If your husband is not willing to get help, then you must leave. You will NEVER be happy with a man who commits adultery every week, perhaps every day. YES, he IS committing adultery because he is OBVIOUSLY lusting after these other women big time. Adultery is in the mind, so Christ told us clearly! What does it matter that he has not actually 'done' anything with any of these women? He HAS in his mind and that is as good as having done it! He may as well bring all these women into your home and bedroom each day, because he is in his mind!

Please do not put up with this one more day! Love demands that you be tough on this or you cannnot continue to love him and it is clear he cannot love you as long as he has any other woman in his thoughts.

Jane
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Old 8th November 2005, 09:17 PM   #4
ChristianWife
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Re: new marriage in trouble

Dear Koolchick,

I would suggest that you get a book for your husband. It is a booklet that costs $1 called "Pornography--Road to Hell." It can be found at this website: http://shop.nogreaterjoy.org/index.php/cPath/2_18

Perhaps when your husband realizes that his sin will destroy not only his marriage, but jeapordize his eternal future, he will take action. It IS possible to stop sinning. God is greater than this sin. But he must want to come back to God.

"Be not deceived, God is not mocked: for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life." Galatians 6:7-8

"Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness... of which I tell you beforehand, just as I also told you in time past, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God." Galatians 5:19-21
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