Housekeeper/Mother/Prostitute to Husband

My husband and I have been married 10 years, most of which I HAVEN'T felt as if I were his wife, but rather his housekeeper, mother or prostitute. I can't remember the last time he said he loved me, our last kiss or hug.

Although my husband has never handed me a list of "rules/regulations", actions speak louder than words. His emotional detachment and anger have trained me in such a way that a list isn't needed.

Sure, I have voiced my anger and resentment towards the situation in the past, only to be told to "shut up", or worse yet, being abandoned in my room, left to cry alone.

And, yes, I have sought marital counseling. He went with me on two occasions, promising me a much more loving marriage, only to turn back to his ways within two months - that was almost 6 years ago. From that time on, he has refused counseling of any type.

I don't want a divorce, so, I've been trying very hard to accept the situation as is, thinking that maybe I'm not trying hard enough. I've made sure that the "rules/regulations" he has are handled each day, without fail, to the letter. My children (ages 9 and 5) and I go out each evening for a couple of hours so they don't "bother him or get in his way". I have hired people to fix things around the house so I don't have to bother him with it.

All of this, and he is still angry and noncommunicative.

Approximately a month ago, he came to me saying he thought he was going through a "midlife crisis". I was very sympathetic and suggested seeking antidepressant medication, but, he refused and told me to "leave me alone - don't do anything for me".

I really don't know what to do in this situation. No matter what I do, he's still angry, and, he won't seek help, in any form.

I don't know how much longer I can stand this. Is a marriage really supposed to be like this?

I know it is months since you posted your message and I really wish I had logged in long before now. I wonder if our husbands are related! I can see so many similarities between them. I cannot remember the last time my husband said he loved me, I have asked him and he says he does - but the way he says it doesn't make me believe him. He will give me a hug, he can be real charming, but it is usually when he is after you-know-what - and I can honestly say that I have been left feeling used and abused by the whole thing - can't help it when someone is only nice to you to get what they want.
I don't understand his anger, but there are times when I think he is going to crack up (or I am!), I suggest he needs help - but, no it is ME who needs help, according to him. We can talk about day-to-day things - well, we can have discussions, but sometimes when I tell him something about my day he just mocks me, and that hurts. There is no respect, that hurts like hell, but no amount of talking to him/with him makes any odds - he seems to think he is Mr Perfect and he has no problems, it is all down to me.
I have left him, taken the children and gone, but then gone back as he said everything would be different - but it didn't take that long for everything to go back to being horrid again. Like you, I don't want a divorce, I just want the man back that I knew 10 years ago, the one who won my heart and made me laugh and feel loved - where did he go? I can't offer you any advice, but I can let you know that you are not alone. Oh for a magic wand!

[Peach]

Hi there,

Your posting reminded me of an article I read in the Daily Mail a few years ago about a weekend called Marriage Encounter. The couples in it had lost their way a bit with their marriage and then went on a weekend and found their love restored and strengthened. I believe one even said it was like getting back the husband they had married. There's probably something on the site here about it somewhere.

[Liz]

Yes you can find out about Marriage Encounter on the site and there are dates and venues here.

I read with great interest what you are/have been going through and wonder if that is what my wife (nearly ex-wife) is saying about me.
There is a thin line between caring and control. Viewed from your point of view it is hard if not impossible to take and I totally sympathise. But I may be guilty of the same thing. The problem is that it is necessary to define where he is coming from. Often I would get very frustrated with my wife's way of doing things. Not because I do not love her but because on occasions I feel that she is trying too hard to please rather than be her real self. She is a perfectionist and as such sacrifices so much time to make me happy. However wonderful that is, I do not want or need that! Rather than spend 90 minutes cooking a midweek evening meal and putting so much effort into it, I would far prefer occasionally beans on toast or egg and chips or whatever. She has been totally devoted to my well being which although is lovely is almost overpowering. I would prefer for us to have quality time together. She believes it is more important to be meticulous over running the house than for us to talk together over a nice glass of wine at the end of a busy day.. I begin to criticise and yet I should be grateful. Do you understand where I am coming from? I am criticising her because she is doing what she thinks is making me happy. I am feeling guilty because she is doing too much.. I love her as an individual not as a housewife cook and hard worker. I get annoyed because she is doing too much to please. I suppose it boils down to the ability to communicate one with another - but of course it is easy to do that in hindsight. I'm not sure if it any consolation to you, but she is at the moment suing me for divorce because I have suggested how she peels the vegetables; how to make the beds and when to put the washing out! Perhaps you need to listen to your man to make things easier for yourself. Don't fall into the trap of trying to please him too much. the answer is to talk not work!
Rereading your writings perhaps it has gone too far for the above remedies to work. But again it is your viewpoint - have you talked to him and aired your grievances?. My wife didn't and she walked out after 20 months of marriage - she just boiled everything up and what could have been sorted out quite easily reached gigantic proportions. It wasn't her fault and it wasn't my fault it was our fault.

WOW LYNN you are sharing exactly the way that I feel are we married to the same person?? incredible I think the majority of men are looking for there mothers

No, the way you describe marriage is NOT the way it should be. I was married to a control freak, angry and critical. Now I am married to my soul mate and we are happy and at peace and spend almost all our free time together. Life is absolutely wonderful with my husband and the thing that makes us so close is that we are so much alike! David Clark-Warren (Author of "Finding the love of Your Life") says in his counselings he's found that 85% of ALL marriage problems are caused by people not being married to the right person.

It doesn't sound like you even have a marriage--you have a business arrangement. And even that isn't working very well. There is absolutely no reason why you should have to pussyfoot around your husband all the time afraid you or the children will upset him. What a prison you live in!

Please please please get help. For yourself! Don't bother with him right now. You need to find out how to deal with him. I'd very much recommend the book "The Dance of Anger" It is fantastic to see how we can get others to change by changing ourselves. Your 'arrangement' is harmful to your children and you have a responsibility to provide an atmosphere where they can grow unharmed. Please think about that when you think there's nothing you can do!

[Liz]

Just to say here is info about The Dance of Anger

i know how you feel , i just posted a thread in marrage help...
the way he is treating you is the way my husband treats me, the shut ups the expectations
and in my case the threat of physical abuse
i am just learing how much my self worth has diminished
we can do no more . and you shouldnt have to leave your house everynight to leave him alone. i am just now finding my fight again so...i will tell you what i'd do but its up to you
i stay be loud cranky and forget his expectations... last night i did mine and the kids laundry
but left his
it felt so good and for bed well i just slept in the kids room ... and today his descusting bathroom well will still be discusting . (i am not cleaning it everyday)

Read Women who love to much, helped me come to terms with the same kind of problem
God Bless you