Re: unaffectionate spouse and other problems...
Rachel>
I'm not sure if you want a reply or not since you are just "venting", but I was moved by your post and also have felt this same frustration from time to time in my marriage of 10 1/2 years. You can take this advice or leave it.
I have discovered (through my own painful experience) that there must be mutual accountability and it seems your spouse isn't very accountable to you about his time during the day and weekends. Do you resent him not working and being accountable during the day and wondering what he is doing on weekends during the gigs with the band? I know it certainly would unsettle me and cause doubt and suspicion about where his affections lay. Also, there doesn't seem to be a lot of communication going on here and most likely when you air your grievances you are met with sarcasm and perhaps anger as well. I understand your plight, believe me.
All that being said, it sounds to me that this fellow has too much freedom and isn't being accountable for his actions... he almost sounds like a teenager living at home with Mom and living his fantasy of music superstardom on the weekends. Have you ever thought of making him responsible for paying a reasonable portion of the expenses of the household? If he is going to live like your roomate then he must pay his share. You are enabling him to be lazy and in effect not grow up. I would tell him you are no longer going to be his Mom but want to be his wife. His days should be filled with a job to pay his share and make him accountable. Also, it seems to me that after 14 years as a musician, if he hasn't achieved any significant financial success, chances are that is never going to happen. Music is a young man's game and he isn't getting any younger. It's time to "wake up and smell the coffee".
I know this sounds harsh but adults who live like some teens (lazy, resentful, and isolated) must be given a dose of discipline in a big way. You aren't doing him any favors by complaining but taking no action to force him to fulfill his role as husband. There's no reason he can't play with the band on the weekends, but if he isn't paying for 1/2 the rent ( or reasonable amount)...it's time to do something to force his hand and change his patterns during the day and night.
We all have needs in marriage that must be commincated to our partners but communication isn't always by words only.
I have something written in my Bible that helps me as a husband...it says simply "the pain of discipline doesn't compare to the pain of regret". I pray my posting does not offend you, I have been there before with a spouse and accountability changed our lives.
Last edited by JonPaul; 24th February 2006 at 05:13 PM.
|