masturbation, porn and marriage

Thank you Helen,

I really respect your opinion and it means a lot that you agree with the way I handled things.

I suppose there's nothing left to say except...

Next week on Desperate Spanish Housewife ...

(Somehow my sense of humour has remained intact, and just mischievous as ever ... , should I be worried??)

BIG HUGS TO YOU (How do you do it?, Honestly)

B&B

I think your sense of humour is wonderful and I think it goes a long way in explaining how you are managing to cope with what is a pretty traumatic time, keep it up girl !

Hugs right back at ya !

Helen

It feels good to get it out, hmm? You should both be really proud of yourselves and each other because that first step to being honest with one another is difficult. The thing you want to do now is not forget about it and just act like things are fine. Please know that so many here understand what you're going through.

One thing to remember to do, B&B is to follow up very quickly with whatever it is you want to do from this day forth. Expect going celibate to be difficult for him. Please understand that while I'm sure he means well, it is possible that he could relapse. (The same any addict would.) I didn't think of this when I went through this with my hubby and was hurt all over again. I'm not trying to burst your bubble, love but please try to be encouraging and know that it's possible it could happen.

Lovey is right of course, addicts are devious and he now has to act on his words.

I think by staying calm but determined though you've made a good start, I meant what I said about him not liking you checking up, he may stand it to begin with, but eventually he'll start to feel rebellious and this is dangerous in as much as it's the time an addict starts to feel mutinous and tell themselves you have no right to check up, he may start whinging then about you needing to trust him more . Just remember that trust is earned through respect and honesty. If he has nothing to hide he shouldn't feel his privacy is being invaded , if he starts being secretive red flags should go up.

Be prepared for a long haul, look for the pitfalls, and keep that sense of humour, you're going to need it.

take care.

Helen

True, the sense of humour will help. You can read up on this website about addictions. They're very real and not easy to overcome.

All the best!

[perfectmarriage]

B&B, a sense of humour and a positive attitude are two of the most important things to bring to a marriage and you seem to have both in abundance. Your husband is a very lucky guy.

I'm so glad I found this forum. I found out a few hours ago that my husband of less than a year has been accessing horrible and vile porn (really SICK stuff) on our computer.

The posts on this forum have helped me see what's happening in my marriage. He has very little interest in sex with me, he rejects my advances and he seldom initiates sex. He simply prefers the sick and disgusting porn.

I made him leave the house tonight, and really don't know how I'll handle things tomorrow. I'm sick to my stomach over this and feel that I have no idea who he is. I could easily end this marriage. We haven't been married that long, no kids, I make a fine salary and have friends/family/coworkers to see me through this.

Any thoughts? Help? Advice? Any one there???

InRuins

Your husband sounds as though he does indeed have an addiction, and I have to say that staying with him, certainly for the forseeable future will mean a very long hard battle to fight.

You have to decide whether you want to fight the battle , or , leave . It really is that simple. 10 years from now, with maybe children involved, nothing will have changed, unless that battle is fought and won. Overcoming addiction is hard, for you and for him, he has to want to do it.

You are in effect still newly weds and he shouldn't be needing to frequently access porn of any kind but should still be enjoying a passionate relationship with you. From the tone of your post I would say you already know what your decision is going to be.....

Take care.

Helen

(long - sorry, but I SO needed to get this out!)

I’m glad I’ve found this forum also – getting it all out and talking about it may help save my marriage…or maybe not. Who knows?

Here’s the problem with the women “indulging” in their man’s fantasies of what sex should be, porn, etc. I have for 11 years done this, been very open and understanding and tried things I don’t care to admit – sometimes on more than one occasion. I LOVE sex, so he was fortunate that it wasn’t a big issue. After 11 years, it becomes like an addiction to anything else – at first, it’s wild and amazing but you soon become immune to it and need something more. Eventually, you run out of “mores”. Then, you learn to deal but still crave the “high” you once had and naturally feel you’ve lost your spark when you can’t seem to find it. Also, porn (movies or pics) have become “foreplay”. We don’t watch and jump right into it but it always seems to be the precursor lately.
Also, as a woman, I have needs too. Where men are more sight and physically stimulated, most women have emotional needs that must be met as well (I do anyway). With a busy life, sex has pretty much become our only means of “connecting” or intimacy and when that is gone, I no longer feel the bond between us. If sex becomes just sex every time and I begin to feel like a sex object, it fits right in with maid, mom, book keeper, etc. and suddenly, my sole purpose is to cater to his needs. How and why is it ok for women to meet their man’s needs by concealing our own? At some point, our needs will come to surface, as mine have now, and then it is SO difficult to reconnect and start over because the sex feels cliché’ without all the other involved and you quickly want to throw your hands up due to feeling overwhelmed.

It has also caused low self esteem in me, which is weird. I am not trying to be conceited, but I am a damn good looking woman, if I do say so myself (we have mirrors too)! I have gone as far as get implants and have the ‘porn’ body but STILL… it isn’t enough. Then, to top it off, I find out last night it is seeping outside the home and he has sent a lot of the pics from his computer to his cell phone to exchange with the guys at work! He doesn’t have time to call me EVER during the day unless he needs something because he is too busy and he rarely has time to invite me to lunch with him because he is so busy he never knows when he’s going to take lunch (unless he needs something from me, again) but he finds time to pick through these photos, email them to his phone and then the time to send them back and forth throughout the day to 5-10 guys he works with?!?!

I guess I’ve gotten to the point that I am tired of trying to keep this image that he feels I should be, when it still isn’t enough. It takes work to look good, you know! He never tells me that, but why else would he have this “need” to see and get off on other women, if I was enough? THAT’S the part I think I’m having the most trouble with. The guys he works with, I can understand. I’ve heard the stories of how their wives don’t help, don’t give them sex often, don’t take care of themselves anymore, or won’t even buy a sexy outfit but I have gone ABOVE AND BEYOND for him, only to find out years later that it leads to his needing more and my feeling inadequate. IT JUST ISN’T WORTH THE TROUBLE TO ME.

Hi FLwife,

Nothing you do could change this man's addiction. What's more, chances are that he doesn't care whether or not you look like the image of an adult star. Trust me. The sooner you realize that the better. I say stop trying so hard to be a fantasy for him and just be yourself. I worked in the adult industry for a time and we still had the porn and trust issues. My hubby still sought out his addiction, even though I'm beautiful and we had great sex daily.

It doesn't matter. None of it matters because when someone is addicted to something, it's very real. Getting implants isn't going to do any good. It's an addiction. I urge every woman who tries to look like the adult star to read up on addictions. If he were addicted to cigarettes, we wouldn't try to look like a cigarette!! Hehe

Seriously tough. You're right love. It's not worth the trouble, so be yourself and decide what you're willing to put up with and what you're not.

My husband quit porn a while ago because he wanted to. He went through times when he fell off the wagon and the times were pretty damned tough. We talked of splitting up because of the mistrust, but work at things steadily to maintain a good relationship. I consider this a lifetime piece of work!!!

Good luck!

[Raymond]

Glad you are appearing to get somewhere Lovey. Porn is a real problem in the days we live in. As a christian I look on it as mental or visual adultery. Jesus says that if we look at a woman to lust after her we commit adultery in our hearts. It might feel good to start with but after a while something else kicks in and we are on a downward slide. There is a spirit behind it that will seek to chain the man and break the marriage. We owe our prime love to our wives including sexually, the bible says we should cherish and understand her.

I don't think there is any place for masturbation or porn in marriage. With the masturbation it might be okay if it's a shared thing together I think, but not sole. I've recently read 'Sex....God's Truth by Jill Southern. She says that the spirit behind masturbation doesn't want intercourse. I think she is right. Some say it's alright if you are thinking of your wife but why do that when you can share sex with her?

Well that's my pennyworth anyway.

Raymond

Originally Posted by Lovey

Hi FLwife,

Nothing you do could change this man's addiction. What's more, chances are that he doesn't care whether or not you look like the image of an adult star. Trust me. The sooner you realize that the better. I say stop trying so hard to be a fantasy for him and just be yourself. I worked in the adult industry for a time and we still had the porn and trust issues. My hubby still sought out his addiction, even though I'm beautiful and we had great sex daily.

It doesn't matter. None of it matters because when someone is addicted to something, it's very real. Getting implants isn't going to do any good. It's an addiction. I urge every woman who tries to look like the adult star to read up on addictions. If he were addicted to cigarettes, we wouldn't try to look like a cigarette!! Hehe

Seriously tough. You're right love. It's not worth the trouble, so be yourself and decide what you're willing to put up with and what you're not.

My husband quit porn a while ago because he wanted to. He went through times when he fell off the wagon and the times were pretty damned tough. We talked of splitting up because of the mistrust, but work at things steadily to maintain a good relationship. I consider this a lifetime piece of work!!!

Good luck!

I understand what you mean - the implants weren't really for him though; these babies are mine! We have 3 kids and I've always been small framed - pregnancy, etc. tends to take the youth outta the breasts, so I got my doc to bring it back.

I'm not totally sure he's "addicted". I think he is sometimes but then sometimes I wonder. He doesn't really look at it unless he's with me - I think I was really more fed up with how that made me feel, ya know. He was trying REALLY hard yesterday and even apologized for being such an ass and said he'd try harder to be more considerate. The phone incident was a very big turning point for me and I pretty much had nothing to say to him that night and he slept on the couch. I know most would say if they are addicted, I would only have been pushing him that direction but you know how sometimes you just get SO fed up with the emotional roller coaster that you just don't care ... well, I was there and I think he realized it. He called me often yesterday just because and last night when he came home, I was about to get out of the tub. I asked that he please leave and let me get dressed but he walked toward me and swore he wouldn't try anything but just wanted me to know that he is very happy with me & my body and didn't want me to feel he had to have someone/thing else to get him interested - then he started massaging my shoulders and back - it was wonderful because there were no expectations.

Anyway, we had a LONG, long talk about the whole situation and I know he'd truly spent time thinking on it yesterday because he validated my thoughts about "where is the stopping point if this continues", only he said it on his own before I said anything to him about it (he didn't hear me say it first and then agree, I mean). We also had a long talk about sex (I LOVE to talk sex!) We've vowed to try to make more time for each other and see where things go, so for now, I'm great! I think after 11 years, you do need something more than plain sex but we've decided to try and come up with different things we can do on our own without using porn. Who knows, though, I may be on here again venting in another month or so!

Thanks!

Hi,I've been following this thread because the opinions fascinate me.

RAYMOND~ there should be more men like you!



Here is my opinion about porn:

Anything hardcore is just bad and really shouldnt be legal.
It is ok within limits if it is ok with both partners,and obviously many women on this forum think it is NOT ok at all!
If it is causing any sort of issues it needs to be stopped right away.
Whether that is a physical problem like not having an orgasam during REAL sex,or a relationship problem.

Maybe porn should be modified by the goverment....I can see it now. Porn with labels like "USE AT YOUR DISCRETION" or "USE RESPONSIBLY"

They shouldnt even be allowed to use the term "TEEN" and porn together either.
Because even though you obviously usually are not looking at teens (who they tryin to fool?) just putting those two things together leads men to believe it is ok to look at teens in that way. In real life that is called a pedafile.


Having said all that,I'am not a prude. My husband and I have been together 11 years,and we have watched it a handful of times. Those were usually nights we had all to ourselves (our kid was somewhere being babysat) that we did just to be different or to spice it up.(I'm talking two or three times a year)
My husband never looks at it by himself. He isnt much on computers,and would rather spend his time working on cars...
Yes,my husband is addicted to cars. I tease him by saying if his car had a vagina he'd be having sex with it.

Anyways,I totally think all you women have very valid reasons for feeling as you do. I have had other BF's in the past that watched it alot and it did make me feel bad.
I never felt like they were cheating on me with it...Because if you ask most men they will tell you they dont even care about the faces,They are only really looking at the body parts.
In general I just really think sex with your partner is best.Now,if the husbands are cut off from sex by their wives...maybe that's another story. Poor guy has to get it somewhere.
Just my two cents.

[Raymond]

Don't worry about being a prude marriedbrunette. These things are the enemy of good sex in marriage. I'm against porn because of the damage it does not only to marriage, but to one's mind. I love sex and commend sex, but in marriage. All these other mores are actual enemies to intimacy between a husband and wife. This is what is breaking down in our days. A fantasy is being offered instead of the real thing.

[hannibal-]

Originally Posted by risesun123

Find out why masturbation is harmful for your health and many aspects of your life and what you can do to stop it. Read the only step-by-step program available in the world today and you will succeed in ending the habit of masturbation and start enjoying your life to the fullest.

Hilarious. First you should just accept being forced sexless. Then you actually have people advising to not masturbate. Next up: the post-wedding eunuch stage, where you have all that pesky equipment removed. Order now, and we'll add in a useful collar and leash combo!