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Old 18th August 2005, 05:46 PM   #211
sevenseas
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

oops, (cont...)
she HAPPILY reported back to me that she LOVED it and didn't know why she waited so long to try it.
Anyway, hope this helps in some way.
Lisa
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Old 19th August 2005, 05:09 PM   #212
sevenseas
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Exclamation Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

I'm just bumping this because, even though I posted a new reply it was still showing that there were no new replies and I really want the poster to see my response...this has happened before, am I doing something wrong when I post that it doesn't show up as a new response????
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Old 19th August 2005, 05:34 PM   #213
London
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by sevenseas
I'm just bumping this because, even though I posted a new reply it was still showing that there were no new replies and I really want the poster to see my response...this has happened before, am I doing something wrong when I post that it doesn't show up as a new response????
YES you are. We all see it as a new message - you won't becuase YOU posted it.
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Old 23rd August 2005, 08:29 PM   #214
Chris55
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Unhappy Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

My husband's problem goes deeper into porn and masturbation than I ever imaginined. We had great sex until our wedding day five years ago. Last week I discovered that my husband was still using porn even though I told him a year ago I would leave him if he didn't stop. Why did I want him to stop? Because he has not made one sexual advance towards me since our marriage. Not only is he still viewing porn, but he's using it to masturbate every day (sometimes multiple times) while turning his back to me in bed. I've told him how undesirable and hurt I'm feeling and that my sexual desires are still going strong, however, he continues to ignore me while claiming to have discontinued his porn and masturbation habits. I've grown so cold towards him (I am a very affectionate woman) and now he's complaining that I'm not my usual loving person - DAH! He destroyed all of my desire to be loving towards him and I've finally decided to look elsewhere for a lover. My husband and I are great friends, however, we are not lovers. I told him prior to marriage I would never be in a sexless marriage. We had great sex and lots of it prior to marriage. I had no idea it would change. I was completely honest with him about my sex drive - he was not. I believe I have done everything possible to save the sexual part of our marriage.
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Old 23rd August 2005, 09:02 PM   #215
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

so why the empty threat of "if he doesn't stop, then you'd leave" - seems like you are still in the marriage and he knows that you are just bluffing......
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Old 23rd August 2005, 10:59 PM   #216
Chris55
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Wink Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

You are so very correct - apparently my "threat" did no good. He swore he'd quit again last Friday, however, I'm not holding my hand on my fanny waiting for him, so I've decided to take matters into my own hands, if you know what I mean. Plus, because of the military, we will soon be separated for close to two years and I'll be free to pursue my sexual needs elsewhere. Don't get me wrong, if he were abusive towards me or a poor provider, I would leave. We have no problem being best friends and fantastic roommates, however, since he's had five years to "have his cake and eat it too," I believe it is now my time to have the same.
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Old 24th August 2005, 10:14 AM   #217
Ashamed
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Dear Helen

I have been quietly reading your experiences with this new partner of yours. From where I stand, this man seems to be playing mindgames with you, and it could cause you a lot of damage over time. From where I stand, I see a sly and deceitful person who is trying to be "clever" to get away with his lack of caring and his disrespect for your feelings and your rights. I see no respect here. I don't think the issue is about porn at all. The issue is how your partner responds to your reasonable concerns.

It's easy for me to say, but dump him before it is too late and complicated to do. Clearly, the problem is not being resolved and it is only going to grow worse. This has been going on far too long to view it as a passing phase. He obviously won't control himself and now he is trying to control your reaction to his unreasonable behaviour. The mere fact that he refuses to take emotional responsibility in this relationship is a very-poor sign indeed.

I wish you well.
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Old 24th August 2005, 02:00 PM   #218
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Chris55 - I say go for it!
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Old 29th August 2005, 08:52 AM   #219
vanessa
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Hi

I have just joined this forum in order to talk about this issue. I did a web search hoping to find a group for partners of porn users, as this is an issue that I am increasingly having difficulty with and I feel I could use some support. Apart from this forum, all I found was anti-porn groups or religious groups. I am not religious, or wholly condemnative of porn and I don't think a moralistic or preachy tone would be helpful to me or my situation with my partner.

I have been with my partner for 2 years and I have always known that he is a porn user. He is not deceptive about it and I do not think that he would be any more or less likely to have an affair because of it. At the start, I accepted it, and at first it really didn't bother me. We lived close by one another and I knew that when he was at his place he was sometimes looking at porn -both of us had our own space because we did not live together then. Our sex life was and still is good -we are both adventurous and have quite high sex drives. Occasionally we have looked at porn together, but I get the feeling that it's something he prefers to do alone!
In Feb. we moved in together and now I find it much harder to deal with. Our sex life is still good, but I find the porn issue a lot more painful now that it is happening in the house where I live. He is not an excessive user, but once or twice a week he will stay up later than me to look at porn on his PC. Again, he does not make a secret of this, and it does alleviate the situation somewhat for me, that he is not deceptive or furtive. I find it difficult to tell him that my feelings about his behaviour have changed. I now do feel hurt by it. I feel second best and my self-esteem is definitely lower. I love my partner very much. I feel that I agreed and accepted an aspect of his character that he was always open and honest about, and that therefore I am not really in a position to complain about it now. I also don't want to suddenly start making him feel guilty about it, as I have not done so in the past, and to suddenly start doing so now, seems unfair. Additionally, I know that my feelings about it do not occur in total isolation from my own feelings about myself: I have recently gained some weight and that makes me feel more and more miserable about the porn. If I was happy with my own weight, I don't think I would get so upset about the porn, but I can't help feeling this way. I am worried about the way this will affect our future. I feel a little less trusting and less interested in our sex life than I previously was. I don't really know where to go from here, but I would like to be in touch with others who understand what I am going through.
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Old 2nd September 2005, 01:58 PM   #220
Everhopeful
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Cool Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

I have read a lot, but not all, of this thread and wanted to make a few points of my own. I seem to have a similar problem (if that's the word) with my wife.

First of all I confess that probably like a lot of men I find porn very arousing - can't really help it. That said I prefer not to watch it because I think it can bring about unrealistic expectations of real sex.

In my own case my wife of over 20 years had never had an orgasm so I bought her a vibrator which amazingly achieved the intended result. My wifehas always had less of a sex drive than me so often this means infrequent sex, about 3 times a month would be about it. This usually left me frustrated but if she doesn't feel like it what do you do?

Now I find she is using her vibrator instead of having sex with me and I find this desperately hurtful. It is now at the point that we are seriously talking (shouting) about splitting up. I would value anyone's opinion as to whether I'm being unreasonable. I'm happy for my wife to use the vibrator during sex with me, in fact I prefer it but she seems to prefer it without me.

Everhopeful
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Old 2nd September 2005, 02:42 PM   #221
Liz
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Dear Everhopeful

Well if your wife has waited 20 years I can in some ways understand her falling in love with her vibrator after she's had to accpet you getting the pleasure and her not for all this time. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying it's ok to ignore you, but just wondering why you had tor esort to a vibrator.

Seems like you may have lost perspective on what sex is all about. It isn't about a climax, it's about all the time when you are relating as man and woman. The cuddles, the massaging the other's neck after a long day, a lazy bath together, even the way we dress for each other and take care of personal hygene.

So why not try investing some time in just relaxing together in a sexy way without any agendas adn exploring giving each other pleasure.

How about talking more about what you both enjoy and don't enjoy in sex.

For example, what turnd each of you one and what doesn't? can you take this into consideration when making love.

What matters in sex for each of you, giving pleasure or getting it? Can each of you give pleasure to the other without getting hung up on your own needs. And getting onto slightly tougher ground: is it possible that sexual time become a battle to ensure you both get what is your right? Are either of you you using sexual favours as weapons between you? Try and be honest with yourselves.

Seems that some conversation and exloration together might be good.

Liz
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Old 2nd September 2005, 03:16 PM   #222
Everhopeful
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Thanks for replying.

The vibrator was a gift 2 years ago and at first she did use it rather a lot - fair enough.

Without going into detail I have to say my options in bed are limited (truly) so the vibrator was good news as it meant she could have pleasure with me. To be honest I'm unhappy about her having better sex with the vibrator than she does with me. I guess that a typical male response probably connected somewhere to a frail ego. But to have sex with someone who is not getting much out of it is, at least psychologically, very unsatisfying and it feels like she's doing it out of duty rather than because of any desire.

I don't think my wife actually cares much about having sex with me and I can't seem to do much about it. We're near splitting but I still love her and want to make it work. I'm just basically frozen out.

The trouble with a forum like this is you only hear my side of it and I'm still a bit hesitant about using a forum like this.

Thanks again

Everhopeful
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Old 2nd September 2005, 10:01 PM   #223
Valerie
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Cool Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Vanessa,
Your experiences are so similar to mine when I firts posted about porn and masturbation. I felt the same insecurities about by body and my sex drive went downhill. We are both quite into eachother, caressing and explorative, but he does view the porn sites and the masturbation is an issue. When I addressed the porn, he seems to understand how it made me feel since it's not something we shared together. However, I am still curious of how much masterbation is normal or not normal for a grown man. This bothers me. I feel like he obviously does not have enough to do, or has no motivation to learn new projects, or goals. This, I can say turns me off sexually. It seems to make me loose interest, although I love him, I just sometimes look at him and imagine this (in what my mind seems to be a childish act) and I don't want sex. It seems like it's a topic to joke of, but amazing that it could come between a marriage, or a strong relationship. I feel like I am a down to earth, and realistic person, but if this situation depressed me, or made me give up my sex drive, I don't know what I'd do. I hope it's a phase and that I won't picture my future and old age with the man I love masturbating in his wheelchair.
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Old 5th September 2005, 09:11 AM   #224
vanessa
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Hi Valerie

Thanks for replying! I am interested to hear about your situation and how you cope with these issues, since like me you obviously love your partner and are aware of his use of porn etc. although, like me, being open about it has not necessarily solved the problem, or the negative feelings that come along with it.

I have no idea how much masturbation would be considered "normal" for an adult -my guess it that it probably varies so much that there isn't a "normal". The actual act of masturbation is not something that worries me personally, unless it is going hand in hand (if you'll pardon the pun!!!) with porn use, or unless it were to become a substitute for sex with me. I don't feel that the latter has occurred, but the former has obviously. If my partner were to masturbate without the use of porn, I don't think I'd feel badly about that. I just feel lousy that he looks at other girls on porno sites. It makes me feel crappy about myself, and I have been surprised by how differently I feel about it now that we live together -maybe I was naive. I really wasnt' bothered before when he had his own place and did it there. Do you live with your current partner, and were you aware of his porn use before you moved in together?

Vanessa
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Old 5th September 2005, 09:22 AM   #225
vanessa
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

PS Another thing -has anyone found a group or community on the web which supports partners of porn users? I have really tried, but found virtually nothing. I don't want anything that is religious or moralistic in its nature -if anyone has found anything, please let me know. Thanks.
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