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Old 8th July 2017, 04:14 PM   #1
Pmsc
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Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 8
Feeling depressed

I really don't know how to start this thread. As time goes by it feels obvious that I am depressed and the depression feeling gets stronger every time. I've been looking back at my childhood up til now. I have always had this feeling inside me except for the periods of high school where I felt fine and happy go lucky until I moved to London when I was 18.

When I was a few months old, my father committed suicide and left me.i never knew how he died until I was much older. But because of how i reacted I was only told bit by bit over the years. Since he died I have been kidnapped by my father's parents because they wanted me to replace the loss of their son. I have been sexually abused by a neighbor when I was 4 and again when I was 11 by a shop keeper who lured me to his apartment above the shop. I kept that quiet untill I was married and had my children. But the response that I got was that it happened years ago and that I'm a man now and to get over it.

I have always felt out casted and abondoned from activities. Like I wasn't really wanted. When I did find a life that I was happy and carefree with I was made to move to London and struggled to make a life. Even after getting married to my ex wife. Since as far back as I can remember, I had thought of suicide. Before I was 10 I wanted to drink a bottle of bleach. When I was 11 I was standing on top of an electrical house and wanted to jump. And it goes on.

When I met my ex wife I thought my world had changed for the better but throughout the 20 years together I felt like I was struggling to cope. Eventhough I was ambitious and doing everything possible to better my family lifestyle, I always felt I have let them down and it frustrated me and I would feel more depressed. Eventually my ex wife left me for an older guy and stopped me seeing my son, abondoned our daughter and granddaughter. This killed me inside and I attempted suicide twice in that period. I had counseling for a year and thought I had gotten over it.

4 years ago I met my current partner which is also a mess. I felt alive and actually thought I found what was missing in my life. Everyday has been a struggle and although she denies it, there is every evidence and action to show that she has cheated on me at the beginning. I learned to forgive but not forget. At this time i had attempted suicide 3 times. By this point I started to realise that there is something wrong with me. I always seem to feel down and alone. Even when things seem to be going good for me. But even now it feels like I'm fighting a losing battle with everything. Relationships, friends, work and my own health.

What's wrong with me? Why do I always feel like this? People say there is a silver lining. I just have to wait but to be honest I'm nearly 50 and it still hasn't happened. What's the point of feeling like crap. Everything's me something good happens to me, something bad ruins it. I always mess things up and always lose out. Never have a break. Even my last job, I was pushed out and bullied because I was good at my job and 2 individuals thought it was funny to wind me up to the point that I would quit. Now I'm doing a job that I hate and feel resentful and reluctant to do it.

What's wrong with me and why do I always feel like this? I really feel like giving up. What's point if I only ever get hurt?
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Old 12th July 2017, 09:58 AM   #2
Ralf Garnet
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 4
Re: Feeling depressed

I am so sorry you are feeling this way it is absolutely horrible feeling, have you seen your GP to talk about this ?, if not then it is a must, I wouldn't be where I am today without their help, you can also talk to the samaritans, and even if you have faith or not, then you can also speak to a priest, I have done all 3 and other resources too, keep posting, and also social media, if your on FB then you will find many support groups of people who are in the same situation, it does help, believe me I know, God bless you.
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Old 17th July 2017, 12:37 AM   #3
TJW
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 43
Re: Feeling depressed

tjw removed a duplicate post

Last edited by TJW; 17th July 2017 at 12:43 AM.
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Old 17th July 2017, 12:43 AM   #4
TJW
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 43
Re: Feeling depressed

I agree with seeing your GP about it.

Dr. Phil McGraw says that we all have a "personal truth" which gets lived out in our lives. It is quite easy for us to know our own personal truth. It is contained in what we say to ourselves when there is no "social mask" being worn.

The advice you received that your molestation "happened years ago" and "just get over it" was, sadly, very, very poor advice. You didn't say that anyone applied this advice to your being kidnapped and to your father's suicide, but it is also very, very poor advice regarding those things as well.

It is said that "time heals all wounds". This is absolute malarkey. The fact is, time does not heal anything. Only "the work" does.

There are also those who will say that "forgiving" is the key. That is also not true, as you have stated yourself, you can "forgive" but you cannot "forget". None of us can forget anything. We have to learn to deal with our memories and "channel" them into productive thought and reasoning.

It's quite easy for us to blame ourselves for a partner's adultery. However, this has no basis in fact or truth. The fact and the truth is, that it was our partner's choice to commit adultery and had absolutely nothing to do with us.


I think you should take the chance to seek professional talk therapy with these issues. Fixing the "personal truth" need not take a long period of sessions. A good, qualified, knowledgeable counselor will "zero in". Dr. McGraw calls these "defining moments" when our "personal truth" gets laid out by ourselves for ourselves.

If you live to be of average age, you have 34 more years to spend here before you pass into eternity. It is clearly "worth it" to fix your "personal truth".
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