Jealousy/Anger

[Foreverever]

Hi all,

There is a man who is in close contact with my wife and I have been feeling uneasy about it. Matter of fact, I have been depressed about it as my wife does not seem to understand my concerns and see where I am coming from. Despite her reassurance that they are only good friends, the jealousy and anger still lingers

They exchange texts almost on a daily basis. My wife and I went on a vacation recently, and the frequency was reduced but he still texted her several times in those two weeks while we were away.

It seems like he has to share whatever that is happening to him, as well. Be it something unfortunate or something to be happy about. My wife simply explained that he is like that and the reason he texts her is because he does not have many other friends. Bear in mind this is the same person who about a year ago mentioned to a friend of my wife that he thought he might have a shot with my wife, and he has also put an anonymous Valentine's message in the local paper saying he wish he could whisper 'I love you' in my wife's ears. Although I cannot ascertain it was him, but given the close proximity of the two incidents, I believe it was. My wife said she had told him off for what he did. But their friendship remains strong.

My wife has commented that he is more attentive than I am, that he understands her better than I do. She has also said that he is annoying and she tries to keep her distance from him. I don't think replying his texts on the daily is a good way of 'keeping her distance'.

Because of the conflicting signals, my wife have argued frequently. I am not accusing her of having cheated on me. However, it sure feels like an emotional affair, which she denies.

Can anyone offer any solutions to this predicament? Looking forward to your reply and thank you in advance.

[chosen]

What she is doing is wrong and dangerous, especially as she is comparing him to you. The fact that she knows that you are unhappy about it yet still carries on is also very concerning.
Is she aware of just how deeply unhappy you are and that this is risking the marriage? That this is opening the door to an affair?
I think that if she refuses to recognise how wrong this is, you may need to both go to marriage counselling as this is dangerous for the marriage.

[Raymond]

I agree. It is certainly an affair in his eyes and he has made inroads to that aim. Maybe your wife is flattered but you are the one committed to her and the one that married her and this fellow needs to be dealt with.

I think it is time you stepped in and dealt with it if you can make contact with him. Now is not the time to be meek and submissive. He is interfering with your marriage and I think it needs you to tell him. Somehow your wife has got into a mess, maybe thinking she has to please him and listen to him. Whatever it is it is affecting your marriage in a bad way. He will not find having to relate to you both easy as he will prefer to relate to your wife on her own, so put a stop to it now before it gets out of hand.

[Foreverever]

My wife and my in laws do not think it is her or the guy's fault, they all think it is me with the trust issue or uncalled for jealousy. While the constant texting could be annoying, they think it is healthy to have members of the opposite gender as friends. Everyone could sense that he is into her, but if the feelings are not reciprocated, then there is no harm, just annoying. The feelings may not be reciprocated, but the texts are. Her reassurance does not help at all when she still replies him.

She thinks I am negative, emotionally immature and beyond help. She says she cannot have a proper conversation with me without me mentioning about the other guy, that it is insulting to even think that she will fall for him or get physical with him. She even says that it is not her problem that I do not have any good female friend who texts me everyday. If I cannot deal with their friendship, then maybe I should just leave and put us both out of our misery. She even said if our marriage fails, then it is all on me. She even dares me and says if I do not trust her then I can make the call and after the divorce papers are signed, she will be happily divorced and not be attached to anyone, not even him.

Is this a lost cause? I have secretly obtained the guy's number. Contacting him will upset her. But what do I have to lose right?

While I feel like beating the living daylight out of him, at the same time, I also want to just walk away with some dignity. Yes, my wife and I have other issues, like most couples, if not all. But do I seriously have to deal with this? Am I at fault for feeling the way I am?

[trinity]

I agree that you should contact this man. Explain to him that he is intruding into your marriage, and you would like him to stop contacting your wife. Even if he ignores your request, at least you have told him how you feel.
Your wife should not be angry about this, and should appreciate your actions to protect your marriage. If she becomes angry, then you have serious problems, as she is not respecting her husband. Also it seems like your in laws have an influence over her too. The fact that they agree with her rings alarm bells for me.
Talk to your wife as soon as you have spoken to him, and have an open honest conversation. Tell her how you feel and suggest marriage counselling, or talk to an elder or a priest. If this fails, you have to ask yourself whether you want to stay in a marriage where one person is emotionally committed to somebody else.If it were me, I would live my own life with my friends, and develop my own interests. I would do that to heal and prepare myself, but would not do it for spite, or to try and meet somebody else. Sometimes in the midst of hurt and pain, you have to try and find time for yourself,doing what you enjoy, for some relief. In situations such as these, it is easy to sink into depression and despair. Try and prevent that from happening by praying, and keeping active.

[chosen]

Its her who is the immature one acting the way she is. She and her family are also very naive and quite honestly stupid if they think there is no danger to this sort of thing. I have seen so many families destroyed when one spouse got too close to someone of the opposite sex, especially as the man is clearly wanting to cheat with her.
No you are not at fault, there is no way that I would put up with my husband doing this. There is also no way that I would treat my husband like this. IF one of my children were acting that way I would give them stern warnings.
To be honest if she is so careless about the marriage and uncaring about the way you feel, I am not sure what future you have with her.
Do you have children?

[Foreverever]

Thank you all for your feedback. I will have to make a decision to call him soon.

Trinity, I hear you. If it continues like this, I will have no choice but to forego my marriage to keep my sanity. She says the same thing.

Chosen, yes, 2 children.

The reason my first girlfriend and I broke up was because of something similar. She left me for another man. The ironic thing is that, my wife's first cheated on her with her then best friend. I would expect that her to know better. She insists she knows exactly what she is doing and that this is all in my head.

Before we got hitched, something similar happened. She was in close contact with another guy, big arguments ensued. We nearly broke up because of that. But she stopped spending time with him, and we reconciled. After we got married, I thought things would change for the better. She probably thought so as well. But it didn't exactly happen that way. She is still using the same reasons she did back then for her current behaviour, and I am using the same set of arguments. History just repeated itself and probably will again.

Now I am not saying she has been unfaithful physically, but emotionally? I think yes. Her reassurances do not mean anything if she keeps replying his texts. I have been out with other women socially before, but as soon as she joked about it disapprovingly, I would stop.

I guess marriage counselling is the best option, if it doesn't change anything, I guess the next best option is to move on. Hopefully, the kids will grow up to be wiser than both my wife and I are.

Thank you all once again for your time. Please keep me in your prayers.

[Foreverever]

Just a quick update. I did not manage to call the other guy.

My wife says that if I do not trust her, or if I cannot deal with them being friends, then I can sign the divorce papers by all means. She and the kids do not need me. She said she felt that God had answered her and a huge weight had been lifted off of her shoulders. There is no third party and if I do not let her go, she would do anything to get me out of her life, including having sex with a random guy. This is the reason I did not make that call, I do not want to push her when she is so emotionally unstable.

So I guess this is it. It is distressing not knowing why she would rather keep this 'friendship' than save our marriage. All my life I have heard stories about adultery, I never thought it would happen to me. I have to reiterate that I am not accusing her of having a physical affair with that guy. However, the daily contact is eating me alive.

It is time to let go, recover, and seek God's guidance. Thank you all for your previous feedback. I will contribute more to this forum once I have regained my feet. God bless you all.

[Raymond]

I think it has become an emotional affair but she won't admit it. She is also being stubborn and rebellious in the way she is threatening and trying manupulate you. This is bad behaviour for any wife. There are certain boundaries that she seems oblivious of.

I feel like saying put it to the test "Him or me"? but you have to do what you think is right. I don't think cowering to a threat is the right response though.

[chosen]

Originally Posted by Foreverever

Just a quick update. I did not manage to call the other guy.

My wife says that if I do not trust her, or if I cannot deal with them being friends, then I can sign the divorce papers by all means. She and the kids do not need me. She said she felt that God had answered her and a huge weight had been lifted off of her shoulders. There is no third party and if I do not let her go, she would do anything to get me out of her life, including having sex with a random guy. This is the reason I did not make that call, I do not want to push her when she is so emotionally unstable.

So I guess this is it. It is distressing not knowing why she would rather keep this 'friendship' than save our marriage. All my life I have heard stories about adultery, I never thought it would happen to me. I have to reiterate that I am not accusing her of having a physical affair with that guy. However, the daily contact is eating me alive.

It is time to let go, recover, and seek God's guidance. Thank you all for your previous feedback. I will contribute more to this forum once I have regained my feet. God bless you all.

she is acting terribly, claiming that God has given her permission to end the marriage is a total lie, how dare she use God to manipulate you. What sort of Christian is she who says she will commit adultery to have a reason to end the marriage? Appalling.
Also making out that they are HER children and they dont need you? Children desperately need their father.

It sounds as if you need good legal advise. If she ends the marriage make sure that you fight for joint custody.

Can you get some godly advise from your pastor? Dont do anything or agree to anything. If she wants out then let her end the marriage not you.

[Foreverever]

Raymond, she already said that if I can't deal with their friendship, then I can take a hike. She insists the guy knows where he stands. Yes, I admit we have our own share of problems, some would probably never change, such as our spending habits. But asking me to accept the fact that the guy does not have many friends, and that he has to text her everyday, I believe to most husbands out there is over the boundary. So there is her answer.

Chosen, I have mentioned to her God does not sanction divorce, unless one has committed adultery. Perhaps, that is the reason she said what she did.

Joint custody is a must. But what is said behind my back is outside my control. My second child has already to refused to talk to me. So someone must have been saying things about me. I have already consulted a couple of Christian friends regarding my situation, only one knows all the details which I have not disclosed here. My wife said this is between she and I, and that I should not involve anyone else. She said I single-handedly destroyed our marriage because of my jealousy. If they only exchanged texts once or twice monthly, I can handle that. But come on, everyday? Sometimes before bedtime?

I am not handing her the divorce papers. I will be served though, I am certain of it.

I will just have to pull myself together and focus on my career and my kids.

[Raymond]

Chosen and I can both see that this is wrong. You smell a rat with this guy who keeps contacting your wife. I would be the same but fortunately my wife keeps very good boundaries. I would never counsel a woman on her own and she would never counsel a man on his own. If this man is needy you should both counsel him together or not at all. From what you have said of his stated aims the whole thing sounds a farce anyway. Maybe his need flatters her in some way. Wanting to be needed is a bad motivation for ministering to anyone so she has a problem somewhere which she is refusing to look at. For wanting to put this thing before her marriage is a sign that something is not right. I hope you can get to the bottom of it. Maybe there were problems in the marriage before this happened?

[chosen]

Originally Posted by Foreverever

Raymond, she already said that if I can't deal with their friendship, then I can take a hike. She insists the guy knows where he stands. Yes, I admit we have our own share of problems, some would probably never change, such as our spending habits. But asking me to accept the fact that the guy does not have many friends, and that he has to text her everyday, I believe to most husbands out there is over the boundary. So there is her answer.

Chosen, I have mentioned to her God does not sanction divorce, unless one has committed adultery. Perhaps, that is the reason she said what she did.

Joint custody is a must. But what is said behind my back is outside my control. My second child has already to refused to talk to me. So someone must have been saying things about me. I have already consulted a couple of Christian friends regarding my situation, only one knows all the details which I have not disclosed here. My wife said this is between she and I, and that I should not involve anyone else. She said I single-handedly destroyed our marriage because of my jealousy. If they only exchanged texts once or twice monthly, I can handle that. But come on, everyday? Sometimes before bedtime?

I am not handing her the divorce papers. I will be served though, I am certain of it.

I will just have to pull myself together and focus on my career and my kids.

There is NO way that I would put up with my husband texting a woman at any time unless it was an emergency or specifically to do with work. Anyone would be jealous, she is deluded to think that its ok for her to act that way.
Also its important that you have people to help and support you, she has clearly not kept it to herself so why should you? She wants to end the marriage so you dont have to do what she says any more. YOu need that help.

The word that Jesus uses with reference to divorce is 'pornea' which means sexual immorality.

You may be served but you dont have to sign the papers. She may be able to do it without you agreeing, you will need to look into that, but it will probably take her far longer. Delay it as long as you can and pray and get you friends to pray is my advise.

[Raymond]

I really wonder what sort of Christianity she is into judging from the things she says?

[chosen]

Originally Posted by Raymond

I really wonder what sort of Christianity she is into judging from the things she says?

yes I agree.