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Old 7th July 2016, 01:35 PM   #1
goten596
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Dealing with wife's infidelity - we have kids

I'm 33, my wife's 30, been married since August 2014. We have a 5-year-old daughter and an 18-month-old son. We live in Manchester, well, that area anyhow.

Anyway, last night my wife confessed to me that she'd been having an affair with an American businessman for 18 months, said she wants to move to Dallas with him, he has a wife and two daughters, aged 8 and 14, he said he's left his wife for her, now wants them to be a "proper couple, a "blended family". She said she met this guy when she was in a local M&S branch or in the local coffeeshops, said she found him hot for a slightly older guy (he's 42).

I don't think my wife really understands what it'd be like living with the other man, does she really want to deal with things like dirty underwear, paying bills, blended families, bad habits etc? Where does fantasy-vs-reality and affair fog come into it?

I feel sick, angry and betrayed. I could punch the other guy, but I'd be nicked.

What should I do? I really love my wife and never expected this,it's so out of character, just came out of the blue, our marriage had been good until now. I could divorce her, but she hasn't said anything more about why she had this affair other than "he was sexy, looked good in his undies."

Any help from you guys... appreciated.
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Old 7th July 2016, 04:34 PM   #2
Raymond
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Re: Dealing with wife's infidelity - we have kids

Difficult one. She obviously has no commitment to the marriage and has freely fallen into adultery it seems. It takes two so part of the blame is with her. The fact that it has gone on for eighteen months and so early in your marriage does not bode well. Of course she will regret it but it will be hard to tell her that, especially and she will expect you to say that as the hurt party. It appears she has let you know now it is a done deal. She is behaving despicably but I don't see how you can stop her as it seems to be what she wants.
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Old 7th July 2016, 08:12 PM   #3
chosen
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Re: Dealing with wife's infidelity - we have kids

wow I am so sorry, what a completely selfish couple of people destroying 6 peoples lives for their selfish lusts.
No dont divorce her, let her do that if she decides to, dont enable her bad behaviour, but DO get good legal advise about the children and what will happen if she wants to move there.

Well it hasnt been good until now has it, you have been married less than 2 years, and for 3/4's of that time she was cheating.

It will end terribly for her and him, there is no doubt about that, he will have a deeply hurting and betrayed wife at home and his hurt children who he will be supporting financially and presumably wanting to see regularly. She would have to deal with his ex for many years, who may well feel very angry and bitter, and a blended family with young children is always a massive challenge. Relationships that begin with one or both cheating rarely last. She may also hate it there.
They will also both also have to deal with 2 potentially long and costly and difficult divorces as well as each betrayed spouse seeks to make sure they get what is best for them and their children.

You cant stop her leaving you, she will do what she likes, but you MAY be able to appeal for full custody of the children if she plans to go abroad, thats why you need good legal advise. She may not get permission to take them away from you abroad, which means that he would then need to try and get a visa to come here, but would he leave his children? So it may just end their relationship anyway.
Also if she is married to you and he to his wife, she wont get permission to move there anyway, so would have to wait till both divorces are complete and then get married and that could take many months or even years. Again, will they last all that long?

Its important for you to fight to be with your children if she wants to go, get to a solicitor who specialises in divorce and child custody issues. Then you will be ready and prepared.

To be honest she sounds like a very immature and selfish and shallow person.

I would tell her that you will fight to keep the children near you in the uk, and that you are getting legal advise. She needs to know that you will not be a walkover. Does she realise that she cant just go and live there whenever she wants to? They are pretty strict there.

Last edited by chosen; 7th July 2016 at 10:30 PM.
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Old 7th July 2016, 08:19 PM   #4
TJW
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Re: Dealing with wife's infidelity - we have kids

Quote:
it's so out of character, just came out of the blue
No, sorry, I must respectfully disagree with this. From my perspective, her behaviour is utterly consistent with her character, over a long period. I present the following evidence:

Quote:
married since August 2014. We have a 5-year-old daughter
having an affair .... for 18 months... We have .... an 18-month-old son.
My beloved brother, ".....if they'll do it with you, they'll do it ON you....". Also, what kind of a mother has an affair while nursing a newborn? And what kind of a woman would have an affair after 5 months of marriage?

Quote:
she found him hot
"he was sexy, looked good in his undies."
These comments, told to you, are the hallmark of a lust-laden person who has a depraved disregard for the emotional well-being of neither her husband, nor her children. It also shows me that this depravity has been present with her for a long time.

Raymond is correct about her having no commitment to her marriage, and about her despicable behavior. Those statements to you, for reasons why she committed adultery are despicable in themselves.

Quote:
TO be honest she sounds like a very immature and selfish and shallow person.
Yes. Absolutely right. If you can get custody of your kids, they will be so far better off not growing up under this influence, and you can remarry a woman who has the necessary scruples and maturity to be a wife and mother.
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Old 8th July 2016, 08:31 AM   #5
Raymond
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Re: Dealing with wife's infidelity - we have kids

Very perceptive of you TJW. Welcome to the forum.
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Old 17th July 2016, 10:58 AM   #6
goten596
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Re: Dealing with wife's infidelity - we have kids

Bad news - my daughter now wants to move with my wife to live in Dallas, my wife told me.

She told me the guy has left his wife (but says they're living together but are separated) and he will ask her to move out within the next few days, he wants them to be a "blended family".

I don't know what to do, how can I prevent this, even though my daughter wants to? Has my wife been "brainwashing" her??

I don't know... is this some sort of midlife crisis she's got?

It doesn't help knowing we've got a bill through the post for £2,000 of unpaid credit card debts... and that worries me.
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Old 17th July 2016, 01:56 PM   #7
chosen
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Re: Dealing with wife's infidelity - we have kids

Quote:
Originally Posted by goten596 View Post
Bad news - my daughter now wants to move with my wife to live in Dallas, my wife told me.

She told me the guy has left his wife (but says they're living together but are separated) and he will ask her to move out within the next few days, he wants them to be a "blended family".

I don't know what to do, how can I prevent this, even though my daughter wants to? Has my wife been "brainwashing" her??

I don't know... is this some sort of midlife crisis she's got?

It doesn't help knowing we've got a bill through the post for £2,000 of unpaid credit card debts... and that worries me.
PLEASE go and get some legal advise asap. You need to know where you stand with reference to her taking your daughter away and also about child support/finances etc. Yes I expect she has promised her all sorts of amazing things to bribe her to go, little does she know that she will be coping with another man, an angry wife, and his children, who will be deeply hurt and resentful of the situation with them mum rejected and another woman moving in. I think you need to ask your daughter yourself, you cant believe a thing your wife says.

As for 'they are separated but living in the same house', nonsense, and how does he intend to force his poor wife to leave her home and her own children? How disgusting of him. In all likelihood he will have to leave, and quite right too, why should she? he has all these plans and is deceiving himself that it will all be amazing, it wont. She will probably be back in a few months.

Well we can all blame bad selfish behaviour on a mid life crisis if it happens anywhere between the ages of 40 to 60. Selfishness and immorality can happen at any age of course. Also at 30 she is very young yet, she is no where near mid life.
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Old 17th July 2016, 06:23 PM   #8
TJW
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Re: Dealing with wife's infidelity - we have kids

Quote:
they're living together but are separated
Your wife is headed for BIG trouble with this liar she is moving off to live with.

Get a good, aggressive, barracuda lawyer and keep your daughter as far away from this fiasco as possible.

Quote:
She will probably be back in a few months.
Agreed. This is all going to fall apart. Unfortunately for your wife, she will have left a good husband and broken her family to pieces and will have NOTHING to "come back" to.

Quote:
£2,000 of unpaid credit card debts
Make sure she gets most of this to take with her, and don't take her back into your life until they are all cleaned up.
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Old 17th July 2016, 06:24 PM   #9
Raymond
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Re: Dealing with wife's infidelity - we have kids

I can't imagine it will be that smooth. Kick his wife and two daughters 8 and 14 out just like that? What sort of man is he?

I don't see how your 5 year old daughter can make a logical decision about moving to Dallas. I am sure you can get legal advice about this as Chosen has said. Presumably your 18 month old stays with you?

It is all very sad how your wife has let you and the marriage down. Marriages only work with commitment and clearly she has none. I'd fight for your five year old quickly. There's not much you can do about your wife it seems. If that is what she is like maybe she is doing you a favour in the long run by getting out. The marriage vows do mean something but she seems to have trampled them as nothing.

Personally I think you should not have her back unless you feel she is really sorry otherwise you will just become a doormat.
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Old 9th August 2016, 07:13 PM   #10
trinity
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Re: Dealing with wife's infidelity - we have kids

Hi
Please seek legal advise to prevent your wife from taking your daughter out of the country. If this man can callously throw out his wife and children, what will happen when his relationship with your wife or daughter breaks down? There is no stability, no family support, not sure about finances either.
Your wife sounds impulsive and reckless, and as the mature parent, you need to deal with this asap!!
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