Okay, here's what I did!

[Lindentree1]

Okay, I was terrified, but I did it. I couldn't sleep last night thinking about what everyone said here about me deserving better, how disrespectful he was being, and how I really don't have a marriage at this moment (true).

I wrote him a loving email--no accusations, absolutely no begging (promise)! just reminding him what we had and that I love him and don't want to fail in my marriage. I have loved him since 2000, and I still do. I asked him to carefully consider what I said. I told him I wanted us to keep our promises to each other and save our marriage.

I asked him NOT to respond to me yet. I wanted him to seriously consider what I've said. No knee-jerk reactions because this will affect the rest of our lives.

He responded and thanked me for the letter. He told me he would keep everything I said in mind. He has not made a decision regarding our marriage at this time. (It's better than him telling me he wants to set the divorce in motion again)! He wished me a good day and that was that for now.

I didn't give him an ultimatum because he responds horribly to them.

So what now? I'm letting him go. We are supposed to meet in four weeks to do our taxes (due in the U.S. April 15th). Anyway, I am completely letting him go. I have said and done everything I have to say. I had to try one more time. I had to say things I've never said. Now I am truly walking away. I did not want any regrets. I told my truth. I am tired, and I am done. He knows where to find me.

But no mistake, if we don't start taking soon, if we make no steps to come together, I will end this myself. It hurts, but I need to be with a man who loves me. If he doesn't, I need to know that and move on. I don't want to lose him, but if he's already gone I did not have him anyway.

So I'm done. No more games. No waiting forever. It's time to try, or let go. I've been in despair and confusion for 7-8 months. Enough. I had to know and I will know.

What do you all think? Did I do the right thing? I will be anxious to hear what everyone says. You all have been so helpful here. I feel like the courage to lay it all on the line was fed by your help!

Any opinions on this saga? Everyone is welcome to respond! I really need to know what you think...your opinions and honest feedback are important to me.

[ralfgarnett]

Sleep well LDT I hope you have one of the lovliest nights sleep you have ever had, god bless you and good luck I too did something similar today lets hope and pray that either one or both of us gets somewhere soon I cant take much more, I have been awake since early morning and my health is seriously suffering now, lost over 3 stones in weight and suffering constyant panic attacks, I have ven wish that my heart would just stop beating how bad is that ?, my heart has been beating since deemeber 1964 and now through no fault of my own I want it all to end, she gets the hose, the policies everything I hope she is ahppy with it all, I see no future for myself I don't want to carry on I just want to sleep

[notDoneYet]

I hope for your sake this brings the closure you so badly need. I couldn't write to my WW with the same thoughts. She's too caught up in the A to care about me or my feelings so for me at least this is the wrong strategy. If I tried this it would just push her further away. Good luck.

[Lindentree1]

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

Sleep well LDT I hope you have one of the lovliest nights sleep you have ever had, god bless you and good luck I too did something similar today lets hope and pray that either one or both of us gets somewhere soon I cant take much more, I have been awake since early morning and my health is seriously suffering now, lost over 3 stones in weight and suffering constyant panic attacks, I have ven wish that my heart would just stop beating how bad is that ?, my heart has been beating since deemeber 1964 and now through no fault of my own I want it all to end, she gets the hose, the policies everything I hope she is ahppy with it all, I see no future for myself I don't want to carry on I just want to sleep

Good luck, Ralf. I hope she responds and you feel better soon. Take care of yourself. Perhaps get a take -out curry? I heard those were popular in the U.K. When I visited London and Sheffield long ago (loved it)! I kept eating chicken because that's all my brother-in-law who lives in Sheffield wanted to eat! The beer was nice, though, and the country is lovely.

Also perhaps you should go back to your gp to get advice on your panic attacks? Are you still seeing your counselor? I need to make an appointment with mine. I am sorry you are going through this. I hope we both can get resolutions before we go mad.

[chosen]

Lindentree, well done you, I hope that you get some peace now.
Maybe when you see him in 4 weeks you can ask him what he has decided, and also maybe try and find out if he with anyone else, because that may make your decision easier. I hope that he isnt delaying and keeping you hanging on as his insurance policy.

[chosen]

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

Sleep well LDT I hope you have one of the lovliest nights sleep you have ever had, god bless you and good luck I too did something similar today lets hope and pray that either one or both of us gets somewhere soon I cant take much more, I have been awake since early morning and my health is seriously suffering now, lost over 3 stones in weight and suffering constyant panic attacks, I have ven wish that my heart would just stop beating how bad is that ?, my heart has been beating since deemeber 1964 and now through no fault of my own I want it all to end, she gets the hose, the policies everything I hope she is ahppy with it all, I see no future for myself I don't want to carry on I just want to sleep

Get back to your GP and tell him that you are bad. I think you need more help from the medical profession.

[Lindentree1]

Originally Posted by notDoneYet

I hope for your sake this brings the closure you so badly need. I couldn't write to my WW with the same thoughts. She's too caught up in the A to care about me or my feelings so for me at least this is the wrong strategy. If I tried this it would just push her further away. Good luck.

I understand the strategy may not be for everyone's situation. I thought long and hard about this. I just presented my case and asked him to think. I had to try. I can't keep going in limbo. It was affecting me too much.

Unfortunately, where I am, you don't have to wait five years for a divorce if you want. I thought I read that in the U.K. you can go up to five years? I could be wrong. Even if I contested a divorce here the judge can still give him one if he wants. It's really easy where I am to just throw it all away.

I can't keep going like this. I've done all I can. When we speak he can tell me what he wants then, I guess. I have done all I can do. I love him but if he really doesn't love me he has to let me know. Or tell me he wants to try. I can't keep waiting and get my heart broken all over again. Does he want me? If he doesn't, why not just say he wants a divorce? And if he wants to live his life how long must I wait to be a part of it? That's why I felt I had no choice. He was playing me for a fool. Is he still? Is he confused? I don't know. But I am not going to pine away for him forever. He needs to choose. Where is my self-respect if he walks all over me?

I know you are living your life, NDY. But do you still want your wife to come back to you and try again?

[notDoneYet]

Originally Posted by Lindentree1

I understand the strategy may not be for everyone's situation. I thought long and hard about this. I just presented my case and asked him to think. I had to try. I can't keep going in limbo. It was affecting me too much.

Unfortunately, where I am, you don't have to wait five years for a divorce if you want. I thought I read that in the U.K. you can go up to five years? I could be wrong. Even if I contested a divorce here the judge can still give him one if he wants. It's really easy where I am to just throw it all away.

I can't keep going like this. I've done all I can. When we speak he can tell me what he wants then, I guess. I have done all I can do. I love him but if he really doesn't love me he has to let me know. Or tell me he wants to try. I can't keep waiting and get my heart broken all over again. Does he want me? If he doesn't, why not just say he wants a divorce? And if he wants to live his life how long must I wait to be a part of it? That's why I felt I had no choice. He was playing me for a fool. Is he still? Is he confused? I don't know. But I am not going to pine away for him forever. He needs to choose. Where is my self-respect if he walks all over me?

I know you are living your life, NDY. But do you still want your wife to come back to you and try again?

i want nothing more than this. I've tried, oh trust me I've tried but she just won't entertain the thought. She's away and I can't stop it.

[Lindentree1]

Originally Posted by chosen

Lindentree, well done you, I hope that you get some peace now.
Maybe when you see him in 4 weeks you can ask him what he has decided, and also maybe try and find out if he with anyone else, because that may make your decision easier. I hope that he isnt delaying and keeping you hanging on as his insurance policy.

I hope he's not. Perhaps he is confused. But if he is seriously with anyone why not just let me go? Either he is confused and alone or simply confused or with someone (I can't bear the thought) and I'm a back-up plan. Which is sickening. I will not be a back-up plan.

Perhaps I will have enough courage to ask in four weeks. Or he'll tell me something. Whatever the case, I will need to make a decision at that time. I am hoping what we had will come to mind and he'll fight for us. Otherwise I need to let go because my dreams were truly in vain, then. If I'm making any sense...

[Lindentree1]

[QUOTE=notDoneYet;82317]i want nothing more than this. I've tried, oh trust me I've tried but she just won't entertain the thought. She's away and I can't stop it.[/QUOT

Are you doing the no-contact thing? Where you just kind of make yourself unavailable so she sees what she's missing? I know you have to see her because of your son but have you tried to reduce contact and act nonchalantly to see if it peaks her interest?

It did not work for me but I read about it all online. Perhaps it would help you. That's all I can think of at the moment.

[notDoneYet]

[QUOTE=Lindentree1;82319]

Originally Posted by notDoneYet

i want nothing more than this. I've tried, oh trust me I've tried but she just won't entertain the thought. She's away and I can't stop it.[/QUOT

Are you doing the no-contact thing? Where you just kind of make yourself unavailable so she sees what she's missing? I know you have to see her because of your son but have you tried to reduce contact and act nonchalantly to see if it peaks her interest?

It did not work for me but I read about it all online. Perhaps it would help you. That's all I can think of at the moment.

Yes, NC, going dark, you name it. Is it working? I don't think so. I think she's in the thick of the A.

[Lindentree1]

[QUOTE=notDoneYet;82321]

Originally Posted by Lindentree1

Yes, NC, going dark, you name it. Is it working? I don't think so. I think she's in the thick of the A.

Hopefully she will come to her senses soon and realizes what she stands to lose.

[notDoneYet]

[QUOTE=Lindentree1;82322]

Originally Posted by notDoneYet

Hopefully she will come to her senses soon and realizes what she stands to lose.

Well, that was the plan. From what I understand she needs to really feel a loss from her own decisions before the fog lifts. The main one being I'm done with her. But, if I'm honest I'm not really done.

[chosen]

Originally Posted by Lindentree1

I understand the strategy may not be for everyone's situation. I thought long and hard about this. I just presented my case and asked him to think. I had to try. I can't keep going in limbo. It was affecting me too much.

Unfortunately, where I am, you don't have to wait five years for a divorce if you want. I thought I read that in the U.K. you can go up to five years? I could be wrong. Even if I contested a divorce here the judge can still give him one if he wants. It's really easy where I am to just throw it all away.

I can't keep going like this. I've done all I can. When we speak he can tell me what he wants then, I guess. I have done all I can do. I love him but if he really doesn't love me he has to let me know. Or tell me he wants to try. I can't keep waiting and get my heart broken all over again. Does he want me? If he doesn't, why not just say he wants a divorce? And if he wants to live his life how long must I wait to be a part of it? That's why I felt I had no choice. He was playing me for a fool. Is he still? Is he confused? I don't know. But I am not going to pine away for him forever. He needs to choose. Where is my self-respect if he walks all over me?

I know you are living your life, NDY. But do you still want your wife to come back to you and try again?

is there anyone you can talk to who may know if hs is dating other women? I think its important that you find out what he is doing away from you. Its unlikely that he will tell you if he is cheating.

[Lindentree1]

Originally Posted by chosen

is there anyone you can talk to who may know if hs is dating other women? I think its important that you find out what he is doing away from you. Its unlikely that he will tell you if he is cheating.

I actually talked to him on the phone today for an hour. He said we still had emotions between us that's why he has not ended anything. But we needed to grow as people. He thinks I was too dependent on him? and he's happy to hear of me doing so well on my own. If we get back together, he wants us to come together as whole people so we can be happy. He said there was no one else. He talked, texted, and emailed and he seemed to be alone. But you're right. He could be lying. He said we would get together for the taxes and talk again. I said to call anytime. I'm trying to get the lines of communication open. He said he was in no hurry to end anything between us and said he told others the same thing. But he doesn't know that I am not going to wait forever--that things have come to a head. I don't want him to meet someone else, and I don't want to wait around. He asked me if I've made any "friends." I said no. He said no, as well. It's frustrating. But he doesn't know my patience is almost at an end. I simply cannot hang on forever.The limbo is too much. Also the strange feeling I'm being tested in some way? Either that or I am a back-up plan. Neither scenario is acceptable. I hope I'm making sense.