Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  

Go Back   2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums > Advice > Marriage Help

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 2nd May 2011, 11:27 AM   #1
sammie38
Registered User
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 43
Unhappy How do I trust him again?

Four weeks ago I discovered that my 43 year old husband was having an 'affair' with his 29 year old boss. I use the term 'affair' loosely because he assures me that they never slept together and that they only kissed. I'm not sure whether I believe this or whether he's just saying it to make me feel better

He only started with the company in February and has his eye on a higher position so has been doing a lot of work out of hours as he seems to know more about the business than she does and he has been helping her.

Something didn't seem right, he was always emailing her or texting her, something which is very unusual for him. He rarely used to pick up a phone and then he began taking it out with him everywhere he went. I despised myself for doing this but I checked his emails one morning when he wasn't in and prepared myself for the worst...I found emails in his deleted items and this confirmed my suspicions.

I confronted him the same day and was very calm and controlled. I told him he needed to make a decision and I would respect whatever decision he made. He disappeared to a casino for many hours (something he does when he's stressed) and when he came home he said that he had made his decison and that he wanted me. The girl in question isn't from the UK and only comes over for a couple of days every fortnight. He apologised, said he was sorry and said that he had found himself in a situation he thought he could handle without hurting anyone. The next day he emailed her because she wasn't in the country and told her that I had found out and that he had made the decision to stay with me. Although I didn't see the email he sent, he phoned me at work and read it out to me over the phone.

Two days later he had to stay away for a meeting, at which she was going to be present. As you can imagine this was a very difficult time for me and the next morning he phoned me to tell me that she had been to his room to 'talk' but that she had only stayed a few minutes because he had been firm with her about his decision. Following this, she sent him a text message saying that she was hurt but that she could see he had been relieved by the decision he had made and that it was going to be difficult to work together now. He showed me this text when he got home. (I'm trying to tell myself that if he hadn't ended it he simply wouldn't have told me this).

He seems to have moved on very quickly and is annoyed that I can't do the same. If he never had to see her again I would have found all this a lot easier, but they email and talk most days and although he shows me all his emails I am still finding it hard to believe what he tells me.

What prompted me to write this this morning is because on Friday he went to meet her to work and I found a car parking ticket in his car for that date to which the times don't tally. I will ask him about this when he gets home, it might be something as simple as the clocks not having being put forward on the car parking machine but of course I have my doubts.

I need some advice on how to move forward with this. I want to trust him again but it's not going to be as easy for me as he seems to think it should be. The only thing that is keeping me sane at the moment is that he told me she has an interview for another job this week in her own country but I can't pin my hopes on her getting this can I?

Please help me recover my sanity because I feel I am going mad in all this and I'm sorry for the waffle I have written.
sammie38 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd May 2011, 11:49 AM   #2
Sillyman
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: How do I trust him again?

Sammie,

It's good that you want to trust him again. I had an emotional affair and have been separated for three months.

To ask you to get over it just like that is very naive. He needs to win your trust back.

He needs boundaries set - email, Facebook, mobile phone - whatever he uses to communicate with anyone. You need access to these.

He has to explain where he is at all times.

This is the minimum he had to do to get your trust back.

Then you have to give him time to prove he is trustworthy. It won't happen overnight - but he has to know that you need him to commit to that if he values your relationship.

These are the things I have done - hasn't worked yet but I'm trying to give my wife no reason to doubt me again.

SM
  Reply With Quote
Old 2nd May 2011, 12:48 PM   #3
sammie38
Registered User
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 43
Re: How do I trust him again?

Thank you for replying sillyman. I read your predicament too .

My question now is how do I know he's telling me the truth about things?

Part of me feels that if I don't at least give him the chance to prove himself to me I might as well walk away now. It's difficult because I am questioning everything he tells me. I have tried not to look at his emails, phone etc without him being around but since I found that car parking ticket this morning (and that was only because I was being kind and cleaning his car for him) I looked at his emails again. There are a few from her but nothing that isn't work related.

Grr, I hate feeling like this. I have considered sending her an email but that will only cause arguments because she's bound to tell him about it!

Thanks again and I hope everything works out for you.
sammie38 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd May 2011, 02:32 PM   #4
Hopelessly Devoted
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: How do I trust him again?

My husband did the same thing to me 4 years ago. We will be married 25 years this year. I have fought and fought to keep things going because he told me he was still in love with me and wanted to be with me. I think that some men go through an attention period where they want to see if they can still attract other women's attention. Sometimes they go as far as having sex and sometimes they really do just talk. I think that it is a great thing that your husband is willing to show you the emails and texts from her. I just hope that he is being honest with you about everything. Don't dwell on the past, but keep your guard up. You need to re-gain your trust in him and show him that you want to make the marriage work. This will take awhile, but if he is being honest about everything it will make things alot easier. If there are any signs that he is lying to you about just the smallest of things - then more than likely he's just telling or showing you what you want to hear and see. Be very careful. This is proof time!
  Reply With Quote
Old 2nd May 2011, 03:36 PM   #5
Sillyman
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: How do I trust him again?

Sammie,

The proof of the pudding is in the eating - and other such cliches.

If you are willing to trust him, tell him on what terms. No more BS, no more messing around - full disclosure.

Then you can start to believe him again. I've read somewhere that he has to prove you do not have to be the 'gatekeeper of his emotions'. He has to prove he's trustworthy and then you can begin to trust him.

I hope that my wife will see that I am trustworthy. We're separated but she has full access to all my mobile phone records, email, FB, Twitter (which I use for work), etc, etc. If I wanted to breach that trust, I am in the perfect position to do so - but really don't.

He is lucky you are giving him the chance. I wish I was in his position.

SM
  Reply With Quote
Old 2nd May 2011, 08:01 PM   #6
Chamomile
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 816
Re: How do I trust him again?

SM

I think you really need to talk to your w as to why she threw you out like she did?
Wasn't that a house (or a flat) yours as much as hers? Not sure if it's right to treat someone like a "throw-away" under any circumstances. (it's a bit different if you were violent or abusive.)
Throwing out someone for one-off secret which you have had, no matter how painful that could have been to her, it is a little odd..almost as if she couldn't have had a better chance to do that to you?
Maybe, she was unhappy prior to the event as we all get in our marriage sometimes? You have shown remorse, maybe she should give you a chance to discuss more openly.
That's not the way to treat a husband who showed sincerity and regret, leaving you in a limbo.
Did you ask her if she loves you?
If you wait too long, it would be much harder to get back.
Thought I'd say this. My tuppence..

Last edited by Chamomile; 2nd May 2011 at 08:02 PM. Reason: typo
Chamomile is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd May 2011, 08:22 AM   #7
Sillyman
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: How do I trust him again?

Chamomile,

We seem to have hijacked Sammie's thread!

The house is rented in joint names - so yes, it is still partly mine although my wife now pays the rent and I give her maintenance.

I do wonder why she is being so closed to me. She has decided in her mind that what happened was the deal breaker and I can't be trusted. It's all happened so fast - no real talks about it. My letter of apology and repentance was read but rejected.

She said she still loved me about a month after the split, and then she has been closed off since. It's been very short conversations about practical matters since.

We had our problems before the EA was revealed. Bickering, miscarriages, not enough time together. She seems to be putting all that together with the EA and seeing it as proof our relationship was doomed.

She just won't let me in, like it's a defence mechanism to stop me hurting her again. I totally understand why. But it's not the way I am - I'd rather face up to the challenges and deal with them - especially as we have a daughter who I know is missing being part of that family.

I also think her mother is having quite an influence on her. She's unhappily married and my wife can see that - doesn't want it for her or our daughter.

The thing is, being away from my family for three months has been a huge eye opener for me. How stupid I was has been brought home to me with such force - never again.

I know time might sort this out. I wish it would just go quicker.

SM
  Reply With Quote
Old 3rd May 2011, 10:17 AM   #8
sammie38
Registered User
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 43
Re: How do I trust him again?

Oy, yes, use your own thread! I need some advice of my own please lol!!!
sammie38 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd May 2011, 10:28 AM   #9
Sillyman
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: How do I trust him again?

Sammie,

Sorry for the hijacking!! How is it going?

SM
  Reply With Quote
Old 3rd May 2011, 11:31 AM   #10
sammie38
Registered User
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 43
Re: How do I trust him again?

Hi SM

It's ok this end. The car parking ticket was me jumping to conclusions and I didn't even have to talk to him about it. There was a telephone number printed on the ticket and I typed it into Google and it was for the car park where he said he was - I love the internet!

This morning he has asked me whether I sent an email to the head of the company he works for (which I haven't) because he has spoken to her this morning and she is under the impression they don't want her working there anymore so he wondered whether they had found out that they had both been unprofessional!

How are things with you? I was thinking about what you'd said about letting her have access to everything i.e. mobile, FB etc and wondered, does she still not believe you? Is that the issue?
sammie38 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd May 2011, 11:44 AM   #11
Sillyman
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: How do I trust him again?

Hi Sammie,

Glad it was a false alarm. Hope he'll keep that up.

I'm not sure if she believes I'm not in contact with the OW. There has been no contact with her since my wife found out and there won't be again.

I don't know if my wife is still checking my FB, email, mobile records etc - but I haven't changed the passwords, and won't, so it's there for her to see.

Will see her later. With my little angel this afternoon and putting her to bed. Will be there till 10pm when my wife gets home from work. Interested to see what reaction I get today - sometimes it's nice and friendly and other times it's cold.

I hate the distance between us - it's the most horrible feeling of loss I've ever felt. Just awful.

But trying to see it from her point of view. Must be really tough for her too. Hoping for a thaw so at least we can start to be friends again - I still think of her as my best friend. Miss her smile so much.

SM
  Reply With Quote
Old 3rd May 2011, 01:05 PM   #12
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: How do I trust him again?

Quote:
Originally Posted by sammie38 View Post
Hi SM

It's ok this end. The car parking ticket was me jumping to conclusions and I didn't even have to talk to him about it. There was a telephone number printed on the ticket and I typed it into Google and it was for the car park where he said he was - I love the internet!

This morning he has asked me whether I sent an email to the head of the company he works for (which I haven't) because he has spoken to her this morning and she is under the impression they don't want her working there anymore so he wondered whether they had found out that they had both been unprofessional!

How are things with you? I was thinking about what you'd said about letting her have access to everything i.e. mobile, FB etc and wondered, does she still not believe you? Is that the issue?
Maybe someone else saw or heard that they had acted badly?Why else would they want her out?Mind you it would be best for you if either he or she left there.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd May 2011, 01:11 PM   #13
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: How do I trust him again?

You can see here from Sammie SM how the other party feels when their partner has had an affair and how the trust is affected.

Sammie it appears there was some kind of emotional affair which has understandably affected your trust. I wouldn't expect you to feel any other way. In your case there are good signs, much better than a lot of the cases on here, where it is covered up and the other spouse becomes some kind of doormat. In your case your husband fully understands your predicament and the trust that he broke and has invited you to check on him to re-assure you. It sounds like repentance is there which is the main essential after something like this happens. It will take some time to rebuild the trust and I hope he is able to do that. If he is trying to do that it will beg the question of forgiveness from you. That is also essential for the marriage to be saved. These things have to be worked through in your own time but I would say the prognosis is hopeful in your situation, even though it will take time for the trust to be re-established. It is good that there is likely to be a clean cut off from her owing to the work situation, which will be extremely helpful here.

I hope I am not undermining what has taken place as it is a devastating thing to happen and cuts right to the centre of your marriage. Nevertheless in this case it need not lead to the break up of your marriage in my view provided that it is worked through in the right way as outlined above.


Last edited by Raymond; 3rd May 2011 at 01:16 PM.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd May 2011, 03:44 PM   #14
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: How do I trust him again?

Sammie
whether this was a full physical affair or not (and it it was, I really hope that your husband comes clean), it was still physical(kissing another women is serious stuff) and your husband should not be angry with you because he apparently had been able to move on and you havent. I mean, of course he has been able to move on, it wasnt him who was betrayed was it.
It is only FOUR WEEKS since you found out. That is nothing. If he thinks you can get over something so serious in a few weeks, then he will need to think again. Trust that has been shattered like this, will probably take years to rebuild again(yes years), so he will need to be patient and continue to be open and honest about all his future dealings with her and any other women at work or elsewhere.
I hope that she will stop working with him, because they really need to stop seeing each other completely in my opinion.It must be very hard for you that they still see each other at all.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd May 2011, 08:55 PM   #15
sammie38
Registered User
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 43
Re: How do I trust him again?

Hi everyone

Thank you for your responses today, reading what you all think and advise really helps. We've had quite a difficult day today, I think he realises that I haven't sent any accusatory emails to the company but he had said that he can't cope with all the stress he's going through at work as well as dealing with me stressing at home! This makes me slightly annoyed because he's not thinking about how I feel. He did worry me though because he said he wished it had never happened and now he wishes he could just go away somewhere on his own with no stress.

However, I might be wrong but I have agreed to back off with all the questions and begin again. I will still keep an eye on him and I will still check up on him when he's not around but I will try to begin to trust him again.

SM- have you thought that your wife might think you have other mobile phones and other email addresses? Just a thought because that's what I've been thinking about my husband. I hope tonight went ok for you and you had a good time with your daughter.
sammie38 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 08:41 PM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright ©1999-2024 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer